Should I disobey my parents

[Bexx89]

Hi, this is my first post so please bare with me, I was just hoping for some advice. I am a 28yo mother of a DD with severe, undiagnosed special needs. We live alone but I have been seeing someone for just over a year and minus the odd arguments we get on really well. My parents knew about him when we first started seeing eachother, so started to turn up unannounced at the hope of meeting him because they said he obviously has something to hide if he doesn't etc. My dad once turned up when I had builders in but me and the guy had gone out, when the builder told him I was out with my boyfriend and said we'd be gone about an hour my dad rang and demanded I came home at that minute and the builders needed me home, and I had no right having my boyfriend there if he had not met him as I was putting my daughter in imminent danger. From this point he then refused to meet my parents, so when me and him had a big argument and he walked out (we split up) I told my family and they were pleased. We made up a few days later but I didn't tell me family so for the past 10ish months I have been seeing him behind their back. This brings me to now... over the weekend I was working and he came to pick me up (he is insured on my car) and we went to pick my DD up from theirs on the way home. He stayed in the car and I hoped my parents would not see him, but my Dad came out to the car and demanded I introduced them so I introduced him as my friend (he was in the passenger seat at this point), my dad shook his hand and ran in to tell my mum who it was (he remembered his name from before). At this point the poo really hit the Fan, l am stupid, an idiot, more of a fool than they ever thought and he's clearly only back in my life to use me and because he knows I'm getting a new car next month. When I explained had never been out of my life they told me I'd really disappointed them and if they ever find him at my house or that I'm letting him stay over then all hell will let loose. They told me I am NOT allowed to have him on my car insurance and if they find out they will not be happy. I feel extremely guilty as I know how upset they'll be when they find out he is insured, and that he stays alot. Since they found out they have been turning up unannounced and think I am out because the car hasn't always been here, I am creeping around my house in the fear that they will see that I am in. When they called to tell me they'd been I lied and said I was out. I asked if they only came to check up on me and they hung up. I haven't heard from them since and now I feel lost because they are the only ones that understand my dds needs and can help me with her. Should I end my relationship to keep the peace and have the help? Sorry I know this is really long winded I'm just so Lost, they know I need them but I want my own life. They say it's because they have my Dds best interests at heart but so do I and im not sure what to do. It's not the first time they've interfered, my dad had a key for my old house and used to let himself in at 7am to make sure I had no one there. They say they don't want my neighbours to see me as a slut or anything. Ahhh I don't know what to do I literally feel like I'm in prison sometimes, I'm happy with my life and how it is but they want their way or no way. Please help and sorry its such a long post xxxx

whiter, let it go. Whether you ‘approve’ of when the op lets her partner stay over or introduces him to her daughter is not the issue here and not what she needs support and advice about.

@Lizzie I agree and have said so several times but I’m not going to have what I’ve said be twisted. Problems don’t exist in a vacuum. Believe it or not I am completely supportive of the OP and think that she must be doing a great job under really difficult circumstances. But just saying that her parents are completely wrong about everything, totally batshit and have had no reason to ever doubt her judgement won’t be helpful long term.

As I’ve stated I had an overbearing parent. Distancing myself from her and learning to live my own life has been hugely beneficial to my growth but so has realising that not everything my DM has ever said has no basis in facts and that that fucked up dynamic I learned as a child also led me to make not the best decisions in the past.

Don't worry about being disowned, OP. It sounds like your life would be greatly improved by your parents being kept very firmly at a distance.

I found changing the locks was psychologically very helpful when I was struggling to move on. Maybe consider doing this. It's a great way to literally reestablish boundaries.

Yes he had been at mine when the builders were there. I never said that he had slept over that night, and as I had builders there anyway one would ASSUME it was a school day so my daughter was in fact AT SCHOOL. I also stated that when he was there on the few occasions he did come late at night I made sure that she didn't see him. I did not ask for advice about whether I'd done the right thing there because even though you have a dim view on it I actually know that I did all in my power to make sure she wasn't confused or upset.

I am the first to admit I haven't always made the best decisions, but the advice I wanted was so I could help my parents see that they are MY decisions to fuck up on. Not theirs

Please don’t worry about the your doctor’s feelings about your parents behaviour, he is there to help you, not to judge. Your parents are control freaks and I am sorry you are having to deal with this. Don’t let your parents steal your happiness.
I have had this crap from my mother, and she once said to me “ I wouldn’t have let you marry him, if I had known he would take you away from me”! Fuck that! this was because we moved to another country due dh’s work.
Stand your ground OP, it is very difficult, I know, but you owe it to yourself and to your child to put your lives and happiness first, your parents have had their lives, now it’s your turn. Would they seriously prefer you to have no life of your own? Be strong, go NC with them if you have to, it will feel like a weight off your shoulders, let them stew.

As I said before - they won't see. They can't. You are their possession to do with as they like and you will never get them to admit they are wrong.

You have to take yourself as far away as possible, either physically or metaphorically, so they can't interfere.

You're 28 not 10 tell them to back off ! My dm tryed this when i moved out of the family home at 19 and i used her own words against her MY HOUSE MY RULES.

None of us make the right decisions all the time, @Bexx89 but you've hit the nail on the head, they're still your decisions to make, no one else's. And I don't get the impression that your parents' interference was out of concern for your welfare or that of your DGD, but because of their need to control your lives.

You need to get to a place where you're no longer looking for the approval of your parents so you won't feel such a need to justify your decisions.

Ignore whiter - she has no solutions to your main problem, which is your parents, not your dd or dp.

And I assume the posters suggesting you change the locks have not RTFT either, as it clearly states that your father doesn't have keys any more.

Strong boundaries are all very well (and necessary) but putting them there - is hard. I don't know what to suggest other than going full ape-shit at them (I'd do this).
This would have the effect of either them going NC with you, (unlikely if you have their Gc - but a result!) or you going NC or LC with them.

It's hard, and would mean you take back control - don't answer the door/phone if they are unexpected. Keep contact to a minimum. Any suggestion of them questioning or pushing you, would result in instant distance. No explanations. No discussion. Your decision stands.

Read the Stately Homes thread. Lots of advice and support on there.

Look, I'm, sorry if I've upset you and it's completely pointless going over old ground.

I think it's best that I bow out but I really wasn't just trying to stick the boot in. My experience is that you won't ever be able to help your parents see that. I haven't gone NC but massively backed off. What I've found helpful is just really limiting contact and trying not to ask for anything, no matter how small as I find that it is held over you as a reason for why you're helpless and need them to dominate your life. I also think it gives them a sense of ownership like they've done something for you and therefore you owe them access "after all that I've done for you".

Gradually building my own life away from my DM has been the best thing I've ever done and when she over crosses the line, I just leave (I don't have her at mine really), no argument or drama, just "I think it's time for me to go home now".

I really do wish you all the best. Breaking free has been incredibly hard and took years to get to the position I'm in now. it makes me sad that I can't have the parental relationships I'd want but I've had to mourn for that and realise that I can't ever make my DM what I'd like her to be or our relationship as trying to improve it is like being in a canoe, if it's just me working we go round in circles. What I do instead is get out and swim. It means she's left behind but at least one of us is making progress.

(Sorry for the dodgy analogy).

I've gone LC with my DM. I haven't had any lengthy discussion with her about it, I just don't contact her much and am careful what I tell her about issues I'm facing. Otherwise she would try to solve things for us and keep on with her 'suggestions'.

I don’t think you need to leave whiter, just stop crapping on about the other stuff and stick to your above helpful advice!

OP, would writing a letter to your parents be helpful? Less confrontational and stressful than face to face? Explaining that obviously they need to back off and let you lead your own life, give you more space, but that you appreciate the support they give you with your daughter? At least then you’ve spelt it out clearly and if they don’t respect your wishes you can start to withdraw contact, although I see that is difficult with the childcare they help you with.

Do not JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain) with such people like your parents Bexx, its no point. Such toxic people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. All your parents want to do is to control you and in turn your DD. You will never ever get them to see your point of view, its their way or no way as far as they are concerned. Controlling behaviours like they have shown you are abusive behaviours.

You cannot and must not apply "normal" rules of familial relations to such disordered of thinking people.

Writing a letter to them won't help either no matter how nicely worded I am sorry to say. This is because they will take your words and twist them to use them against you. It will be further held up as a laundry list of your own supposed shortcomings and apparent inability to be responsible in their eyes.

At the very least Bexx you do need to find alternative childcare because your parents are not fit to be around either you as their daughter or your own DD.

Your DM sounds very much like mine, @whitershadeofpale it's sad but my life is easier when she's away. (She goes to Africa for her Christian charity work.) As long as I keep control over the contact with her, only call her and have her here for meals occasionally, it's a lot easier.

It's been so important really as it's become very stressful for DH and me when she sticks her oar in too much.

It's also a case of accepting that she won't change now she's in her late 70s.

PM me if you would like to.

It sounds to me like your parents will never be happy unless you are with someone who also sees you as "unable to manage" and will take charge over all of your life in co-operation with your parents. You absolutely dont need someone to be your responsible adult, it sounds like you are doing a fine job of being an adult!

Being someones parents often gives them some influence and access to their childrens lives, but only because their children have decided to GIVE them and allow them that, they dont get to just take it. They do not automatically get a say over your relationships, access to your home, rights to pre-emptively spoil your new adult relationships with neighbours and school parents by rushing over to shout that you cant cope and need watching and reporting on, simply because they are your parents.

Next time they say "you must do this", "you cant do that", "this is unacceptable", tell them that you have taken their SUGGESTIONS on board.

do you have DLA for your daughter? You may not have a diagnosis as such, but if she cannot walk or talk and you have to do alot for her and I am assuming the school also have to, there is enough evidence there - you dont actually need a diagnosis as such, its about what you do over and above than you would for an average child of her age. That would give you some extra money from the DLa, and also tax credits, and you could apply for carers allowance too, especially as if you only work weekends you are unlikely to be getting over the amount thats the cut off amount.
This extra money could go towards professional childcare for when you need to work, which, if you can get tax credits, you can claim a certain amount of anyway if they are ofsted registered which, if they are specialist, they are likely to be.
With Carer's allowance it will also help pay your NI contributions towards your pension, as its a caring duty. You can also access stuff like councelling through carers UK.
But you need to fill in DLA. You can do it online. Given what you have said there is no way that your daughter would not qualify.

I receive everything thats available I think but thank you xx it's just horrifically embarrassing, they think they're helping by offering to call medical professionals etc or speaking for me at appointments, but it's not helpful it's undermining and they think I'm just being awful when I get arsey about it

SPeaking for you at appointments? How do they do that - please tell me they don't accompany you to her appointments?

Totally away from what you were asking Bexx but is your daughter part of the Million Genome Project.
They are helping many SWANS get a diagnosis.

Stop telling them when you have appts. If they ask say oh i got a letter but i dont remember exactly. Or Ill let you know. Then dont. I would also recommend alerting your gp surgery and any other departments that they might try and get info on appts or treatment so they are on extra alert.

Some of them I've taken my mum to just for the support, not all of them but a few of the long ones or when she's being put under, my fault really but the doctor will ask questions and my mum will answer over me. Or if there's something she thinks I should be doing she wants to ring herself (like my mum hates her wheelchair but it's the one the physio thinks is best.. my mum wants to let her nap in her wheel chair but they've told me she's not supposed to do that so don't want to encourage it by giving her a reclining chair). I get super embarrassed because it makes it look like she knows her better than I do, but my mum gets embarrassed if I pull her up on it. And no I've not heard of that project? Is it nationwide? All I know is that there are 2 other children in the country with similar problems as her but they're investigating if they have the same syndrome x

Bexx - if you don't want your parents to get so involved/interfering, you need to stop involving them!

Yes your mum should just be there to support you, but you know that is not going to happen; she will stick her tuppence in - because she 'knows' that you can;t do it by yourself. Stop giving them the opportunity to undermine you!

It will be lonely and hard to do it yourself, but the alternative is that they take control. This is your daughter and you need to be the one making decisions for her.