Should I disobey my parents

[Bexx89]

Hi, this is my first post so please bare with me, I was just hoping for some advice. I am a 28yo mother of a DD with severe, undiagnosed special needs. We live alone but I have been seeing someone for just over a year and minus the odd arguments we get on really well. My parents knew about him when we first started seeing eachother, so started to turn up unannounced at the hope of meeting him because they said he obviously has something to hide if he doesn't etc. My dad once turned up when I had builders in but me and the guy had gone out, when the builder told him I was out with my boyfriend and said we'd be gone about an hour my dad rang and demanded I came home at that minute and the builders needed me home, and I had no right having my boyfriend there if he had not met him as I was putting my daughter in imminent danger. From this point he then refused to meet my parents, so when me and him had a big argument and he walked out (we split up) I told my family and they were pleased. We made up a few days later but I didn't tell me family so for the past 10ish months I have been seeing him behind their back. This brings me to now... over the weekend I was working and he came to pick me up (he is insured on my car) and we went to pick my DD up from theirs on the way home. He stayed in the car and I hoped my parents would not see him, but my Dad came out to the car and demanded I introduced them so I introduced him as my friend (he was in the passenger seat at this point), my dad shook his hand and ran in to tell my mum who it was (he remembered his name from before). At this point the poo really hit the Fan, l am stupid, an idiot, more of a fool than they ever thought and he's clearly only back in my life to use me and because he knows I'm getting a new car next month. When I explained had never been out of my life they told me I'd really disappointed them and if they ever find him at my house or that I'm letting him stay over then all hell will let loose. They told me I am NOT allowed to have him on my car insurance and if they find out they will not be happy. I feel extremely guilty as I know how upset they'll be when they find out he is insured, and that he stays alot. Since they found out they have been turning up unannounced and think I am out because the car hasn't always been here, I am creeping around my house in the fear that they will see that I am in. When they called to tell me they'd been I lied and said I was out. I asked if they only came to check up on me and they hung up. I haven't heard from them since and now I feel lost because they are the only ones that understand my dds needs and can help me with her. Should I end my relationship to keep the peace and have the help? Sorry I know this is really long winded I'm just so Lost, they know I need them but I want my own life. They say it's because they have my Dds best interests at heart but so do I and im not sure what to do. It's not the first time they've interfered, my dad had a key for my old house and used to let himself in at 7am to make sure I had no one there. They say they don't want my neighbours to see me as a slut or anything. Ahhh I don't know what to do I literally feel like I'm in prison sometimes, I'm happy with my life and how it is but they want their way or no way. Please help and sorry its such a long post xxxx

Seriously? This is just bizarre. Both them doing it and you tolerating it. What sort of message are you giving your DD about healthy relationships, personal autonomy and boundaries? They are blackmailing you.

No-one is indispensable, not you and not them. If they fell ill tomorrow your life would go on and you sort out child care. Contact them right now, by text or letter or voicemail or whatever suits you. Remind them you are an adult and a parent and when they are prepared to treat you like that they will be welcome in your life again. Then take steps to find other carers who will learn to meet your daughters needs without bullying and abusing you.

Your mum and dad are bat shit crazy. Escape them ASAP.

You're post reads like a teenage girl living at home with her parents.
They don't get to set rules for you now, you're an adult so no need to disobey them.
They sound utterly toxic, I wouldn't want them in my childs life.

They don't have a key for this house because of before, but they're not pleased about it. When I asked them when they'll treat me like an adult and allow me to make decisions they said "when you act like one and make the right ones

Bloody hell they sound so strict and overbearing !! They need to kindly fuck off and let you be your own adult!

And the fact they seem SO keen on making sure you never have anyone round, it's almost as though they WANT themselves to be the only ones you can trust with helping with your daughter. Trust me, you could make friends who could help you.
To them, the boyfriend could even be a potential threat to there role as 'help' in your life. As though they are using that fact DD needs extra help as a way to control you and continue being horrendously overbearing in your life .

If my parents where like that with me at age 28 I would probably consider moving house and not telling them the adress lol !!

Seriously, you need to set clear, and initially harsh boundaries with them. My parents were similar, (though not nearly as horrendous) as yours, and one day when they turned up at a really inconvenient time of day, them and my partner had a big argument, ( he was standing up for me because I was too meek after years of living with them to do it myself ) that was SO upsetting at the time , but since it's all cooled down, they know my boundaries now, and u no longer have to creep around KY own house like you do afraid they will turn up lol.

I hope you soon get the freedom you deserve as a fully grown and responsible 28 year old who should live yet own life without parents overbearing involvement !!! And zero guilt! Bless you xx

@broom the sad part is when I'm around them I feel like I've reverted to being a teenager living at home

Bloody hell! They are toxic control freaks. You seriously need to separate yourself from them.

You haven't yet made that difficult leap from child to adult in your relationship with your parents, and rather than encouraging and helping you to do so, your parents have held on to their dominant role, to your disadvantage.

A good place to start might be to talk to your GP about possible counselling or therapy available, or at least about some reading that you could do to begin to see how damaging this is to you.

Can I ask what job you do? You don't have to answer, but some professional bodies have councillors available for members who are having problems.

Your father sounds like an abusive bully, and if you have dealt with this from childhood, it's no wonder that you are apprehensive about his reactions towards you.

My mum gives me this bullshit.
As a result I’ve limited my relationship with her, and she’s been the one to suffer not me.
I was told to end it with dp because they didn’t approve- we had a hard time early on, but have been back together for almost a year and stronger than ever- so like fuck am I going to end my relationship with an amazing man on the say so if someone else!
It’s not even like they (your parents or mine) know the man better than we do or know something we don’t. It’s pure control. And what goes against you is your reliance on them for childcare, so I’d get that fixed as a priority

my dad had a key for my old house and used to let himself in at 7am to make sure I had no one there

this really isn't okay OP you're 28 and that's really controlling bonkers behaviour. You're entitled to see whoever you want.

Also, threatening to not look after your DD so you can work because your partner should be looking after her is stupid. He's not her father. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time they sound really difficult

You are going to have the confrontation with them. You cannot go on like that forever. As an adult, you are bound to make decisions that your parents don't like.

You are coming at it from the wrong angle. You don't need their permission. It's not for them to say what you are and are not allowed to do. They can be as disappointed as they want.

If you really can't do without their help, now might not be the best time, but you need to take control of your own life at some point.

Thank you for all the advice, I'm hoping I can have the conversation with them but everytime I try they just say it's because they care and then I end up feeling guilty. I'm going to go to the gp tomorrow and speak to them. I even feel guilty doing that because they are out family doctors and I don't want them to think bad about my parents. Sometimes I seriously think it's in my own head honestly

OP I really sympathise, my DM was a bit this way (and my Dad did what he told her!). She was quite intrusive, and used to say I was always making a mess of things and wouldn't know what to do without their guidance. I had a really good career and had bought my own house (with no financial help from them, she said no one would give someone like ME a mortgage!).

It doesn't excuse it, but I don't think they do it to be mean, they get stuck in a habit of worrying about you and wanting to make sure everything is OK for you, and don't seem to be able to stop (perhaps your parents don't have many other things to worry about?).
That said, I agree with many other posters, that you need to set them boundaries somehow...could you get some counselling to work through some strategies for changing the way you deal with them? I would look into other arrangements for your DD while you work, as they will have that aspect to use as leverage with you as long as you're dependent on them.

It's not in your own head, It's similar to an abusive or controlling relationship with a partner, be abusive/controlling, when you call them out on it it's only because they love you or you're ungrateful or selfish. You're making a start with going to the GP, just stick at it and don't give in to them, eventually you'll look back on your life once you're happy and free from them being like this and you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner!

It's not in your head , your relationship with your parents sounds really wrong. Don't tell them treat you like an adult, this sort of discussions won't help as the answer will always be the same - they are the only one who care about you, etc. Instead discuss only practical things like : could they look after your DD next weekend? If not probably just half day ? Just to move discussion to practicalities rather than moral issues. Don't tell them that you don't want your BF to look after your DD - be positive and tell them that she loves spending time with them and really looking forward to it, sleeps better afterwards, etc whatever is appropriate for her situation.
Tell them less about yourself and in general keep your answers simple - try not to explain your behaviour. Never give them keys.
I don't know your DD's age and who is involved but it worth to phone to local council to investigate about short breaks scheme and other opportunities. Also google "local offer" for the place where you live.
I really feel for you, you need their help at least at the moment but they do sound too controlling. It will be difficult to change them but you can change your side and hopefully it will make things a little bit better. Ask every professional involved with your DD where you can find help and support for her and for you.

Sounds like a nightmare! Hope you get your life back soon

FFS, your parents have decided to punish you for the rest of your life for being in an abusive relationship.
I realise that most parents want to look after and protect their children, but your parents have taken this to extremes.
I could speculate about what sort of decisions would be the "right" ones for them, a vow of lifelong chastity? forswearing all adult relationships? returning home to live as a dependant? Whatever outcome they are hoping for appears to be toxic and abusive for you as an adult woman.

This is crazy. You need to look into another form of care for your DD so they stop this blackmail.

Do you have any siblings?

Do you have an Uncle or Aunt you could confide in and would talk to them?

So they want him to watch your DD while you are working, and want you to leave him.

How do they think that will work?

Oh, and as for not wanting the neighbors to think you are a slut, tell him “no problem Dad, I know I’m not a slut”

They sound batshit, this really isn’t normal behaviour. I strongly suggest investing in a copy of Toxic Parents.

Your parents are completely out of order and you need to learn to set boundaries or you will never have a healthy romantic life ever.

I have a feeling they'll hate Any guy you date, not just the one in question. If you dump him to make them happy then they'll be that much worse the next time you meet a guy you like.

I've spoken to my Auntie in hope that they'll be able to advise me.. in fact I've spoken to 2? One said that need to get over the fact that I'm independent and happy, nd the other said I'll never change them and should just let it go and not say anything. I've also found out that when I first moved in they asked my neighbour to keep an eye on me and tell them if I was or had any trouble. I get on really well with them (they have kids my age) and they said they thought I was going to be an absolute nightmare with what my dad said! It's really embarrassing. I think they do just want me completely dependent on them, and I think they're so disappointed that I'm a single parent that they need to keep me in check