Should I disobey my parents

[Bexx89]

Hi, this is my first post so please bare with me, I was just hoping for some advice. I am a 28yo mother of a DD with severe, undiagnosed special needs. We live alone but I have been seeing someone for just over a year and minus the odd arguments we get on really well. My parents knew about him when we first started seeing eachother, so started to turn up unannounced at the hope of meeting him because they said he obviously has something to hide if he doesn't etc. My dad once turned up when I had builders in but me and the guy had gone out, when the builder told him I was out with my boyfriend and said we'd be gone about an hour my dad rang and demanded I came home at that minute and the builders needed me home, and I had no right having my boyfriend there if he had not met him as I was putting my daughter in imminent danger. From this point he then refused to meet my parents, so when me and him had a big argument and he walked out (we split up) I told my family and they were pleased. We made up a few days later but I didn't tell me family so for the past 10ish months I have been seeing him behind their back. This brings me to now... over the weekend I was working and he came to pick me up (he is insured on my car) and we went to pick my DD up from theirs on the way home. He stayed in the car and I hoped my parents would not see him, but my Dad came out to the car and demanded I introduced them so I introduced him as my friend (he was in the passenger seat at this point), my dad shook his hand and ran in to tell my mum who it was (he remembered his name from before). At this point the poo really hit the Fan, l am stupid, an idiot, more of a fool than they ever thought and he's clearly only back in my life to use me and because he knows I'm getting a new car next month. When I explained had never been out of my life they told me I'd really disappointed them and if they ever find him at my house or that I'm letting him stay over then all hell will let loose. They told me I am NOT allowed to have him on my car insurance and if they find out they will not be happy. I feel extremely guilty as I know how upset they'll be when they find out he is insured, and that he stays alot. Since they found out they have been turning up unannounced and think I am out because the car hasn't always been here, I am creeping around my house in the fear that they will see that I am in. When they called to tell me they'd been I lied and said I was out. I asked if they only came to check up on me and they hung up. I haven't heard from them since and now I feel lost because they are the only ones that understand my dds needs and can help me with her. Should I end my relationship to keep the peace and have the help? Sorry I know this is really long winded I'm just so Lost, they know I need them but I want my own life. They say it's because they have my Dds best interests at heart but so do I and im not sure what to do. It's not the first time they've interfered, my dad had a key for my old house and used to let himself in at 7am to make sure I had no one there. They say they don't want my neighbours to see me as a slut or anything. Ahhh I don't know what to do I literally feel like I'm in prison sometimes, I'm happy with my life and how it is but they want their way or no way. Please help and sorry its such a long post xxxx

And you're right it is any guy I date, they scared one off before a few years ago (when my dad used to just come in) and I hated them for it but they said I was better without him anyway! I can't talk to my chap now about it all because I don't want him to run, I don't think he would but I don't want to risk it.. like I said it's so embarrassing. He knows how I get when they're "advising" me on looking after her.. she's 6 btw.. but by advising they call to ask if I've fed and bathed her. But I don't want to tell him they're against him and have no reason for it. My mum thought he might have been at mine a few months ago (he was.. he'd have come downstairs but had just got out of the shower) and she stood at the front door saying quite loudly "I hope that's not that fucking idiot from before!!!" I just shut the door. Luckily we had music on and he didn't hear

@Bexx89 I'll pm you tomorrow. Your parents sound exactly like mine, it's horrendous and at 34 they can still make me feel like a teenager. They caused so much hassle around my wedding, my father even tried to turn my husband against me. My DH is amazing and told him where to go. I've moved on massively from it now but it is so difficult. They control and the games they play. You have my sympathy

@lorelairoryemily Thank you I look forward to hearing from you! Hearing that other people go through it too makes me feel alot less alone. I just feel like I'll always be fighting a losing battle.

Have you ever asked yourself why your first significant relationship was with an abusive and controlling man? Could it be because that was a familiar dynamic, the one you grew up with?

My DC are grown up now. When they were younger they had curfews and I insisted on vetting their boyfriends and girlfriends but the thought of turning up at their houses now to check out who they are sleeping with is stalker territory. I may be curious or even mildly concerned but ultimately it is none of my business unless they ask me for an opinion.
Don't put up with this. You risk driving a very nice sounding man far, far away.

I feel for you too OP and I can understand it because my parents were like this too. When I look back on it and how I allowed them to control me/get in my head/make me feel like a bad person it still upsets me. It upsets me because at the time I thought that there was no other way and that I had to toe the line. Now I realise that I was an adult and I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I’m upset that I wasted all that time in anguish and I try to let it go now because things are good but it’s still difficult to do!

I think other people are incredulous because it DOES sound ridiculous on the outside but you are on the inside of it and you can’t see straight.

I think the best thing to do is get rid of anything that they have a ‘hold’ over you on. So the childcare.

It’s good that you’re not financially dependent on them. That’s what it took for me to be free from the control!

It feels like I'm being ridiculous too though! It's an awful feeling. I would love for them to spend time with him and see how we are together, but I'm terrified that they'll bombard him with questions and I don't want that for him. I'm scared they won't be as nice as they should be because the intend to get rid of him. I need to look into childcare options tomorrow first thing and go to the gp. It's killing me more everyday. I literally sit in the dark when the OH is out in the car in case they find out. I shouldn't have to live like this but I don't see a way out

I think counselling would be an excellent idea but I think you need a counsellor that is experienced in dealing with this dynamic and who isn't averse to supporting Nc.

You don't have to answer but based on my own personal experience and similarities in some of what you've said... I'm concerned it may be that your father is jealous.

This is so deeply unhealthy I wouldn't want them near a child of mine certainly not in sole charge.

Definitely organise alternative childcare for dd, for her sake as well as yours. Because at the very least I can see them using her as a piggy in the middle.

If you want to discuss more privately feel free to pm - as I said there are some similarities I recognise here.

You need alternative childcare; your abusive parents are also using this as a stick to bash you over the head with as well. Controlling and overbearing parents are abusive; their actions are about power and control and wanting absolute over you. This is not done from a need to care for you at all.

They were not good parents to you when you were growing up and are frankly unfit to be around your DD in any way shape or form now. Such people do not change and they have never apologised nor have accepted any responsibility for their actions.

Re the GP go there by all means but I would say that their counselling waiting lists can be very long and the sessions limited both in number and scope. Six sessions for instance will not cut it at all. I would look at BACP and find a counsellor who like Graphista has written has no familial bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment. Interview such people carefully, you will need to find someone who fits in with your own approach here.

Do read and post on the well we took you to Stately Homes thread on these pages and read the Dr Dan Neuharth publication "If you had controlling parents".

You will need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

My abusive father behaved like this. I can only see it now in hindsight, he used EA, financial abuse and SA towards my DSis and me. It was all in the guise of being a caring father and my DM used to enable it by saying what a wonderful father he was to us (from things she's said he was abusive to her as well, but he was always seen as being totally devoid to her).

Thankfully he died 20 years ago. I remember feeling very guilty for literally wanting him to die when he was ill in hospital at the end. I hated myself for this and didn't understand why I felt that way.

The messed up thing is that I still loved him and grieved for him. It was a form of brainwashing, I'd buried all the memories of the abusive stuff he'd done. The memories came back once DSis and I had children and that was when the scales came off our eyes.

My DSis and I are survivors though with our own MH issues, complex PTSD in my case, but my DB has been completely destroyed and can't cope with life at all. But he's in such denial about the past that we can't be around him. He also played a part in the abuse when we were growing up so we need to protect ourselves and our DCs.

You need to free yourself, OP. Your parents are as toxic as my father was, don't allow your DD to be messed up by them. They won't change, so your responsibility will be to free yourself and her. You have a wonderful opportunity with a lovely partner, so grab it with both hands.

I know a lady like you, OP, only she's much older...

She broke away once and lived with her partner, but her parents persuaded her to leave him and move home to be with them (so they could keep an eye on her!). She did. She's now in her late sixties, both her parents are dead and she never had another relationship (because they wouldn't 'let' her).

She's lonely but has no idea how to start again. They groomed her into being dependent and ineffectual and to view men as the enemy.

Don't be like her, OP, please.

Your parents need serious help with their issues surrounding a lot of things but especially boundaries

They have made you feel like you can’t actually look after your own dd and need them

You dont

Get this book op.

You must do it, mind. Because this problem isn't going to go away on its own.

@zaphodsotherhead that it was terrifies me.. thinking I'm always going to be alone. They want me to find a nice guy and get married but it has to be someone that they want me to settle down with. Because my daughter doesn't walk and she's getting heavier I'd really like to have more kids sooner rather than later, purely because it would be dangerous to lift her and I already suffered badly from preeclampsia the first time round.. but they've said until I get married that's not even an option and as much as I want them to back off I also worry I'll be disowned.

You really would be better off if they did disown you, OP. It won't be easy for you to imagine this, but you would in time be so much better without their toxic influence in your life.

I honestly believe you and your dd would be better off WITHOUT them in your lives.

You're almost 30 they don't get to dictate your family planning choices, relationship choices... In fact ANY decision you make.

You could run off to a kibbutz with dd - still not their business

If you drop over to Gransnet, you get all the batshit crazy parents who can't understand why their children are unreasonably cutting them out of their lives. There's a clique of clearly unhinged grandparents who hun each other about it.

iSendai's "missing missing reasons" article points out what's missing from their accounts, and you wonder how many of them are batshit crazy stalker nutters like in this story, or the allergen-foisting nightmares of /r/JustNoMil. Most of them, I suspect.

OP, change your locks and find new child care. Your parents are insane, and their happiness is not your problem.

Bexx

Did you visit the GP today?.

Its typical of such toxic people to threaten their adult child being disowned for non compliance; it is all part of their overall control methods. You are deep in your own FOG here re them (fear, obligation and guilt) and they have trained you to be like this around them.

You need to break free of their malign influences and control and they being cut off from you would be a good thing. They need you to control far more than you need them.

bloody hell shoddy, bit of a rant there!

Oh this sounds so hard, plus you have a child with special needs which is tough.

I think one of the things you need most is perspective. Do you have any friends or cousins or co-workers you could talk to about "Guess what my crazy parents did today"? One of the things that is so hard about your situation is constantly questioning yourself and wondering if you're being ridiculous or oversensitive or in the wrong. You are none of those things, but your parents have tried to make you believe it. You need the outside voice of sanity to help you develop your own healthier sense of perspective on your parents.

I think others recommended the Stately Homes thread on here, you might also try to find counselling or a support group where you live, if you don't have real-life friends you could turn to?

Your Auntie is right that your parents are unlikely to ever change. Arguing with them is unlikely to change their minds--you will probably just have to draw boundaries, stand on your own feet, and protect yourself from them as much as you can. Which is heartbreaking, a child (grown or not) should never have to protect themselves from their own parents, but unfortunately it does happen.

You sound like a very loving mum to your DD, be sure to take care of yourself too. You both deserve better than this.

There is a lot of great advice being given in this thread. Take it on board and tell your parents where they stand. If they don't like being told, and do the other thing then that is OK. What you don't need is anybody but yourself making decisions about your life, who you have relationships with, and how you raise your daughter. Stand up to them; they are emotional bullies and will ruin your life.

@Attilathemeerkat I haven't been able to because it's a bloody snow day, sods law that the weather has got so bad now. And I'm going to have a look at gransnet now. I'm just stuck at the minute. They're my parents and I love them but I can't go on like this.

Op, I was in a situation not really like yours but where I stood up to a family member and they cut me out of their life. I was absolutely devastated. But I survived despite having no idea how I would. In fact after a few months I felt completely relaxed and started to realise just how difficult it had been tiptoeing round them. Years on my life is so much better without this person in it that when they tried to come back into my life I had no hesitation in refusing any contact. No way would I go back to that drama again. And your situation sounds a whole lot worse than mine was. It sounds to me like NC is the only way youll ever be free here. I also think there is an element of them not wanting you to have anyone in your life so that when theyre old theyll have "exclusive" rights to your time and help. Theyll have a problem with anyone in your life to achieve this.

Do they financially contribute to you, a part from providing childcare on the weekends for you to work? Is that what they seek to believe that you need supervising, or is it because of the previous relationship 8 yrs ago? Do you rely on the them a lot? They need to step back- and trust that you have become stronger. You need to be stronger and remind them that whilst you appreciate all the help- and could t have done certain tho ha without them, that you also need to, and can be, responsible for your own decisions and if they can’t accept that, then you can’t accept the current situation.

Not to the point here, but how can your DD have severe SN that are undiagnosed?

Why no diagnosis if the SN are obvious - you have to carry her for instance?

Would you have access to better respite or weekend care if she had a diagnosis?

@mathanxiety because there are syndromes that have no name, there are times when doctors can not find reason for what is going on. Tests come back normal etc. Funnily enough people with undiagnosed disorders are called SWANs (syndrome with no name). Yes life would be a million times easier with a diagnosis. But she doesn't have one.