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Original poster

Should I disobey my parents

146 replies

Bexx89 · 27/02/2018 20:18

Hi, this is my first post so please bare with me, I was just hoping for some advice. I am a 28yo mother of a DD with severe, undiagnosed special needs. We live alone but I have been seeing someone for just over a year and minus the odd arguments we get on really well. My parents knew about him when we first started seeing eachother, so started to turn up unannounced at the hope of meeting him because they said he obviously has something to hide if he doesn't etc. My dad once turned up when I had builders in but me and the guy had gone out, when the builder told him I was out with my boyfriend and said we'd be gone about an hour my dad rang and demanded I came home at that minute and the builders needed me home, and I had no right having my boyfriend there if he had not met him as I was putting my daughter in imminent danger. From this point he then refused to meet my parents, so when me and him had a big argument and he walked out (we split up) I told my family and they were pleased. We made up a few days later but I didn't tell me family so for the past 10ish months I have been seeing him behind their back. This brings me to now... over the weekend I was working and he came to pick me up (he is insured on my car) and we went to pick my DD up from theirs on the way home. He stayed in the car and I hoped my parents would not see him, but my Dad came out to the car and demanded I introduced them so I introduced him as my friend (he was in the passenger seat at this point), my dad shook his hand and ran in to tell my mum who it was (he remembered his name from before). At this point the poo really hit the Fan, l am stupid, an idiot, more of a fool than they ever thought and he's clearly only back in my life to use me and because he knows I'm getting a new car next month. When I explained had never been out of my life they told me I'd really disappointed them and if they ever find him at my house or that I'm letting him stay over then all hell will let loose. They told me I am NOT allowed to have him on my car insurance and if they find out they will not be happy. I feel extremely guilty as I know how upset they'll be when they find out he is insured, and that he stays alot. Since they found out they have been turning up unannounced and think I am out because the car hasn't always been here, I am creeping around my house in the fear that they will see that I am in. When they called to tell me they'd been I lied and said I was out. I asked if they only came to check up on me and they hung up. I haven't heard from them since and now I feel lost because they are the only ones that understand my dds needs and can help me with her. Should I end my relationship to keep the peace and have the help? Sorry I know this is really long winded I'm just so Lost, they know I need them but I want my own life. They say it's because they have my Dds best interests at heart but so do I Sad and im not sure what to do. It's not the first time they've interfered, my dad had a key for my old house and used to let himself in at 7am to make sure I had no one there. They say they don't want my neighbours to see me as a slut or anything. Ahhh I don't know what to do I literally feel like I'm in prison sometimes, I'm happy with my life and how it is but they want their way or no way. Please help and sorry its such a long post xxxx

OP posts:
Original poster
Bexx89 · 01/03/2018 07:11

Syndrome without a name sorry

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 01/03/2018 07:29

I wondered if your parents had forbidden you from seeking a diagnosis in order to increase your dependence on them.

Has the SENCO in school been involved? Does she have an IEP? (Does she attend school?)

Are your parents concerned about genetic issues that may affect future children?

whitershadeofpale · 01/03/2018 07:33

Your parents sound way to over involved and suffocating. My DM can be like that and I don’t think that the feeling of obligation you have can be truly understood by those who haven’t been through it.

However, I think you need to work on your boundaries more generally. Introducing somone to your DD within 2 months is innapropriate, especially when your bf clearly wasn’t committed enough to you and your future. I can understand why your parents would be worried about your judgement towards men based on this and your abusive relationship.

Original poster
Bexx89 · 01/03/2018 09:56

@whitershadeofpale I had not introduced them within 2 months, I would see him either while she was at school, on a weekend after work or he would come round late when she was already in bed and she would go to school before he got up (She gets transport around 8am). So thank you very much for that piece of input but like them you have just assumed that I would be careless around and about my daughter and im actually quite offended by that. It took a very long time for me to introduce them and to this day I have not introduced him as "mummys boyfriend" because until I am 100000000% sure of the future I do not want her getting attached to him because it's not fair on HER. Plus she wouldn't understand, she is extremely delayed and also can't talk to ask questions.

OP posts:
snewsname · 01/03/2018 10:03

You have to do your own thing and then they can do whatever they feel they have to. Don't let them brow beat you down. Stay strong and stand up to them.

Zaphodsotherhead · 01/03/2018 10:05

Sounds to me as though your parents already have a 'suitable' man lined up, in mind for you. He maybe perfectly nice, but he's likely to be the son of a friend of theirs, who's never married (and when you meet him it will become obvious why!)

It's so hard, we are brought up to think our upbringing is perfectly normal and how everyone grows up. That's why it's so hard to break away, when we find out that we have been, in essence, living a lie, some cognitive dissonance cuts in to prevent us from seeing how bad it really was.

We can see, @Bexx89.Your parents are horrifically abusive and don't want you to grow up and be independent. They have no right to you, your life or your child's. Telling them won't help, they will just tut and say you've always been difficult. You need to SHOW them by gradually pulling away.

user1499333856 · 01/03/2018 10:12

I don't think this has anything to do with your relationship with your partner. I think you should just remove that from your thinking.

You need to deal with your parents. Change the locks on your house straight away. You are 28 and pay your own bills - you are in charge of your life. You are not a child.

Tell your parents where to go. Until you do, your life isn't your own.

If you need help your with DD then you are going to have to be the one to manage it. Can you push ahead and get a diagnosis for her? Why haven't you got one already? You need to look in to to every other avenue of support before relying on your parents in any way. It is time to redraw boundaries in your favour.

Original poster
Bexx89 · 01/03/2018 10:24

There's no diagnosis because every test comes back normal, she's completely baffled all medical professionals and at the minute they've pretty much run out of tests (There's 1 more she's having in a few weeks then it's back to waiting until science moves forward again and more become available)

OP posts:
whitershadeofpale · 01/03/2018 10:35

@Bexx89. I apologise for making incorrect assumptions but I think that based on your OP it wasn't entirely unreasonable. You did say that your DP kept coming round trying to catch him there, which implies he was there a lot. Even in your follow up you've clarified that is he was staying the night and in the house when you're daughter was there.

Obviously I don't know the nature of her disabilities but personally I do think that that's irresponsible and potentially confusing as there's a chance that she would have just woke up to find him there.

whitershadeofpale · 01/03/2018 10:38

I think this is a derail from the main focus of the thread which should be about your parents who are totally in the wrong. However, I brought it up not to have a dig but to raise the question of whether having parents like this has meant your boundaries are slightly blurred (I know mine were for some time)

elisenbrunnen · 01/03/2018 11:15

OP - what if you take your dd out of the equation? if she didn't have SEN, or wasn't born yet - what would you do, knowing what you know now?

Move? (It's what I'd do)
Argue? (ditto - I don't take to being told what to do)

Or something else?

Original poster
Bexx89 · 01/03/2018 11:31

Again @whitershadeofpale I think you've completely disregarded everything I said in my last post. My boundaries are not blurred, and like I said I fully have my daughter's best interests at heart. On the rare occasion She wakes up during the night I go into her, she cannot get up and walk into my room. If she could then I wouldn't be that "irresponsible"

OP posts:
whitershadeofpale · 01/03/2018 11:39

I haven't disregarded what you've said, I just disagree with you. I think having someone stay over after that length of time when your daughter is there isn't great.

whitershadeofpale · 01/03/2018 11:39

But again, I don't think that that excuses your parents behaviour.

Original poster
Bexx89 · 01/03/2018 11:45

I'm not actually sure where you got the 2 months from. I never actually said he was there when they were turning up. They assumed.. as you have done.

OP posts:
Heatherjayne1972 · 01/03/2018 11:51

Agree with pp. you’re an adult Change the locks. They don’t need a key

Tell them as little about your life as possible. Personally I’d withdraw from contacting them just slowly - take longer and longer to text back don’t always answer the phone/ return voice mails etc
You are an adult You get to choose your friends/ boyfriend and if they don’t like it. Tough
They will say alsorts of horrid things - that’s who they are. Ignore ignore ignore

Might be worth investigating other types of childcare at the weekends too.

elisenbrunnen · 01/03/2018 11:51

whiter OP says she's been with DP for over a year. Presumably things are progressing so that she is happy to have him in the house when her dd is there. There is no set rule for the timing of this.

OP - as i said, I would seriously think about moving away. Get other support for you and your dd, that is not DM and DDad. I don't think they have either of your best interests at heart.

elisenbrunnen · 01/03/2018 11:54

And NO you shouldn't be sitting in the dark in your own house just in case they pop round to check you out. How dare they?

As I said, I don't do well being told what to do. I'd be more likely to have all the lights on but not answer the door!

Trying to appease these people, and excuse and explain - doesn't work. Never will. The only thing you can do is move, or confront like a bull.

Personwithhorse · 01/03/2018 11:56

Why do they have so much control over you - do they pay your bills?

Original poster
Bexx89 · 01/03/2018 12:00

elisen thank you for defending me there, I am very happy and I can't stand when people assume. No they don't pay my bills, I don't owe them any money or anything.

OP posts:
Shen0102 · 01/03/2018 12:02

Please show some tough love and ignore them, literally no contact for a while! Sounds like they're trying to re-live their life through you.

there's no reasoning which behaviour.

GnotherGnu · 01/03/2018 12:10

they've already said they're reluctant to have her now as he should watch her.. but I don't really want him to, not because I don't trust him because I wholeheartedly do, but because I don't know if he'd be confident enough with her special needs on his own.

So work with him on this so that he can learn. If you carry on depending on your parents, they will carry on controlling you; plus it's dangerous only to have them to help as you would be stuck if either or both became ill.

You really need to get a full care assessment from social services and talk to them about respite care. Ask them to do an assessment under section 17 Children Act 1989.

whitershadeofpale · 01/03/2018 12:13

Because you said it's been just over a year you've been together (i.e 12 months) and in the last 10 months since you got back together you've been keeping him from from your parents. Prior to that (i.e in the first 2 months of your relationship) your dad had had issues with him being at yours and the builder had told him that the two have you had gone out (how would the builder have know that if he wasn't there?). It was then you in your post of 9.56 who said that he'd been staying over in those first 2 months. So no assumptions, just following what you have actually said on this thread.

Lizzie48 · 01/03/2018 12:15

I think you need to leave this now, @whitershadeofpale this poster is really struggling and criticising her decisions about her relationship and her DD isn't fair. It's just derailing the thread.

elisenbrunnen · 01/03/2018 12:18

Whiter what's your point? This is not a thread asking whether her Dp should be staying over, and the fact that he does, or doesn't, has no bearing on how the parents treat OP. It just gives them a further stick to beat her with, but it is totally up to her whether he does. Not them
. Not you.

They have picked this, amongst other points, to berate the OP. She doesn't need to explain to them, or us, or you. She has bigger problems than whether they know shit about her DP!

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