Should I disobey my parents

[Bexx89]

Hi, this is my first post so please bare with me, I was just hoping for some advice. I am a 28yo mother of a DD with severe, undiagnosed special needs. We live alone but I have been seeing someone for just over a year and minus the odd arguments we get on really well. My parents knew about him when we first started seeing eachother, so started to turn up unannounced at the hope of meeting him because they said he obviously has something to hide if he doesn't etc. My dad once turned up when I had builders in but me and the guy had gone out, when the builder told him I was out with my boyfriend and said we'd be gone about an hour my dad rang and demanded I came home at that minute and the builders needed me home, and I had no right having my boyfriend there if he had not met him as I was putting my daughter in imminent danger. From this point he then refused to meet my parents, so when me and him had a big argument and he walked out (we split up) I told my family and they were pleased. We made up a few days later but I didn't tell me family so for the past 10ish months I have been seeing him behind their back. This brings me to now... over the weekend I was working and he came to pick me up (he is insured on my car) and we went to pick my DD up from theirs on the way home. He stayed in the car and I hoped my parents would not see him, but my Dad came out to the car and demanded I introduced them so I introduced him as my friend (he was in the passenger seat at this point), my dad shook his hand and ran in to tell my mum who it was (he remembered his name from before). At this point the poo really hit the Fan, l am stupid, an idiot, more of a fool than they ever thought and he's clearly only back in my life to use me and because he knows I'm getting a new car next month. When I explained had never been out of my life they told me I'd really disappointed them and if they ever find him at my house or that I'm letting him stay over then all hell will let loose. They told me I am NOT allowed to have him on my car insurance and if they find out they will not be happy. I feel extremely guilty as I know how upset they'll be when they find out he is insured, and that he stays alot. Since they found out they have been turning up unannounced and think I am out because the car hasn't always been here, I am creeping around my house in the fear that they will see that I am in. When they called to tell me they'd been I lied and said I was out. I asked if they only came to check up on me and they hung up. I haven't heard from them since and now I feel lost because they are the only ones that understand my dds needs and can help me with her. Should I end my relationship to keep the peace and have the help? Sorry I know this is really long winded I'm just so Lost, they know I need them but I want my own life. They say it's because they have my Dds best interests at heart but so do I and im not sure what to do. It's not the first time they've interfered, my dad had a key for my old house and used to let himself in at 7am to make sure I had no one there. They say they don't want my neighbours to see me as a slut or anything. Ahhh I don't know what to do I literally feel like I'm in prison sometimes, I'm happy with my life and how it is but they want their way or no way. Please help and sorry its such a long post xxxx

The doctors wont be thinking that your dm knows your dd better that you at all op they are most likely thinking that she needs to butt out a bit and let the childs mother speak but obviously they cant say that as it would be unprofessional.

Hey guys so a little update.. I took your advice and distanced myself as much as possible. I thought things were ok but now I've found out that they've been fishing for information with other people and "condemning" my behaviour to other family members etc. I'm honestly just so lost now. Was hoping it'd be a happy update but I guess Not!

Fishing for information from others and condemning you = Google flying monkeys.
I would continue the low contact as far as you can. They sound horrendous and are treating you appallingly. You're an adult and a parent and can make your own decisions and should be treated accordingly, which they are unable to do.

It is a better update than I anticipated Bex89. You have changed your behaviour and distanced yourself. Your parents continuing to pry and pass judgement doesn't have to be your issue. Let them chunter away in the background while you get on living your life the way you choose and bringing up your DD the way you think is best.

Eventually they will probably adjust to the fact that you are not prepared to give them so much power over your family and will get over themselves but even if they don't it needn't matter. You just carry on doing things your way and leave them their own devices. If you need extra support with this (because changing family dynamics can be very tough) some counselling might be helpful.

Well done on your progress so far.

I've tried, then I am ungrateful and selfish and never put my daughter first

Are you?

Really?

Or are you taking the nonsense they spout to heart?

You know you're a competent adult so tell the to fuck off. You're a grown woman. Get a deadlock fitted on your door so they can't just wander in to check your vagina for use.

Be prepared that ALL the help with your daughter will stop the second they realise their control is slipping. Make sure you can cope (I#m sure you actually can) and then tell them to do one.

You're twenty eight for God's sake, they're treating you like you're 12!

Let them 'condemn' all they like, I guarantee most people will nod and smile and agree nicely with them, and then go home and say to each other "That poor girl, she's twenty eight years old, when are they ever going to realise?"

agree with colditz

@colditz I know that's exactly what my Uncle has said to them because he's told me, and my Mum threw in my face "you're 28.. Do whatever. Your life your problems" last time we did speak.. What's really bad is id be happy to be open with them if they didn't judge my every move. Makes me so sad and mad.

@Loonoon I'm going to look into the councilling, just not sure what age the hunting for information will stop. They even asked my neighbours to keep a close eye on me and report back to them when I first moved in! Neighbours told me they thought a party animal/drug addict/gang member was moving in! Nightmare

I know this is going to be really hard for you because I was about your age that it truly struck me that my parents were NOT going to let go and I was going to have to push them off like broody hens.

tell your neighbours, and everyone else they've asked to stalk you on their behalf, that you're really sorry they've been dragged into it and that you're actually considering getting the police involved if the contact doesn't remain appropriate.

Because, just to put it in perspective, you could. You could get the police involved and they would take you seriously, because that's how fucked up your parent's behaviour is.

Hi OP.
Other people just blithely say "they're a nightmare, cut them off, install boundaries."
But if you're in it, it's much harder - there are people on here who understand that. You are doing the right thing by putting you first, then your DD (some people say the other way around but I disagree, keep your MH sound) then your OH.
Keep them at arm's length, Google grey rock and keep out of their way.
It does sound like they're lining you up for old age care...

They have trained you over many years to be easily manipulated by them and it takes time to learn to respond differently. It sounds like you've made an excellent start. Of course they are badmouthing you and fishing for information - classic response from toxic parents who are starting to lose control over you. You just need to keep on liberating yourself from them. They sound absolutely awful and the complete opposite of supportive parents.

How often do you ask them to look after your daughter? If you're capable of caring for her full time with no support at all from your parents then you should just crack on.

Sorry to say this but your parents are bat-shit crazy.

You REALLY need to find an amazing counsellor!

FUCK ME @CuboidalSlipshoddy since you mentioned Gransnet I went over for a nosey....Absolutely hideous!

They only have her when I'm working, I don't ask to be able to have a social life really x

Honey, you're a nearly 30 year old woman. Your parents have no right to tell you who to see, who can be on your car insurance and they certainly don't have the right to make you walk on eggshells in your own home. The relationship you are describing with them is incredibly unhealthy.

You need to stop letting them bully you into submission. If they want to worry what your neighbors think, let them. If they want to call you ungrateful, let them. But you need to start setting boundaries NOW. You are an independent adult with your own life. If they actually care about your DD as much as they claim, they won't rescind the help you need to take care of her.

When my dd was young I shared a house with another single mother. Something like that could help with your babysitting requirements.

I actually think that your boyfriend needs to acknowledge his part in this. Why is he refusing to meet them? Why are you or did you hide your relationship at the start? I don’t think you went about this in the right way at the beginning which has lead to some of the problems.
That said your parents sound very difficult. Could you and your boyfriend go round together and sit down and discuss with them that you are in a serious relationship that you want to work and give your parents some reassurance that this is for the best for you and your DD. Also could your boyfriend spend some time with your parents so they get to know the person who is in their granddaughter’s life now.

^ because they are abusive.

Your parents are abusive OP.
Probably narcissists too.

When I read the title of your post I thought perhaps you were 15 or 16 years old. At 28 you have every right to live your life the way you want without interference from your parents. As others have said their behaviour is abusive and bullying. You should tell them very clearly to leave you along and tell the rest of your friends and family what you have done and why. Move on with your life and enjoy it.