I'm 35 today I've realised my marriage is over

[mammymammyIRL]

Dh emotionally abuses me.
He shouted at me & shoved me in front of our four year old ds for the last time on Sunday morning.
I don't want my 7 year old dd growing up seeing her parents not getting along
I don't want them to think Daddy's getting cross with Mammy is normal or ok

I can't do the rest of my life living like this.

Today H furthered showed me that I've made the right choice.

I've had a health issue for over 4 years and after a 16 month waiting list I'd an appointment a few weeks ago. They told me I would have another appointment in 2/3 months. However today I got a call with a cancellation for this evening, I was thrilled. It makes the evening a small bit awkward because H will have to look after one or both dc while I attend. His reaction to the news was to sigh, hold his head in his hands and to begrudgingly say that to go alone and leave both dc at home.

Yup this!!! I'm sure if the shoe was on the other foot he'd be looking for constant sympathy and reassurance about the condition and treatment...(maybe that's just mine )

Isn't it great when your choose has been reaffirmed though? I'm sure if you were still in the middle of the relationship you would probably brush this interaction aside, maybe even make excuses for him...BUT NOW YOU SEE EVERYTHING FOR WHAT IT IS!!

I hope the appointment goes well for you and that you're closer to getting your medical needs sorted...

Thanks iwillgetout he text to wish me good luck tonight but the harm was done then.
Wasn't sure what to expect today but there's nothing sinister anyhow just probably needs monitoring.

Last H asked if I was going to attend wedding with him in six weeks? I told him no, should that not have been obvious.

I've been looking at houses, I'm planning my future without him. He doesn't seem to get this. DD's birthday next weekend after that, I'm going to have a frank discussion with him.

You’ve not forgotten the whole divorce thingy then? 😂

Bloody hell - he's really not getting it is he? I know you wanted to be in a more informed position before telling the kids but do you think that maybe them knowing without all the details wouldn't be the worst thing? I'm sure having both of you around to explain what is going on for a bit rather than a break up and moving all in one go might be easier for them? (Your children, you know how they would be)

But maybe even if you don't think now is a good time perhaps you should start discussing with H about how you are both going to approach it? Maybe the nitty gritty of breaking up will make it seem more real to him and hit a bit harder? In his mind he probably thinks you'll change your mind after a bit and because you aren't communicating much it makes it easier for him to brush it aside...I could be taking out my arse so feel free to disregard my ramblings

It's on my mind at least twenty times a Day fluffy**
*
Iwillgetout* that will be the case anyhow because it will take time to sort the financial side of things anyhow, it won't be an overnight thing. I would love if they started the new school year off though in the new routine though, that would be my dream goal.
I will get dds birthday out of the way & find out when mediation is likely to start and then start discussions.
Myself & dc away this weekend & party next weekend so not long to sit tight

Most awful dream last night.

I had the conversation with H about separating in my dream and I don't remember the details of that but he woke the children up and told them what was happening and how it was all down to Mammy. Most awful nights sleep after that. Also my health problem escalated in it too and I was in a bad way with that too.

Anyhow they were only nightmares and today is a new day

Oh dear that dream sums up the stress of it all doesn't it? Hope you can have a peaceful day.

Hey mammy just caught up with your thread. It's like you are wading through treacle with him. Keep strong, keep going!

He will have to get on board with the seperation soon enough. Do you think he's going to accept it, or will it have to be "heres some papers, the house is on the market too btw"?

I didn't tell my ex about the house until I had accepted an offer on it, only partly because I was banned from contacting him in case his gf answered mostly as he thought he had conditioned me to the point where I wouldn't, or couldn't do something like sell the house.

Hi lonely it really is, we're just coasting along really, I'm much calmer now because I don't pretend to be interested in what he's saying anymore. I've been second guessing what he's saying for years because he's really prone to exaggeration but before I cared about what was true but now I don't.

Also I don't ask can I go someplace or do something anymore I saw I'm doing such and such will I take dc or are you able to have them. I had myself in knots trying to second guess if he'd have them or not before now if he's not I'll make alternative arrangements.

Meeting my family again this weekend
It's great not having to pretend or cover up to them anymore

Stopped to peek in Windows of another house that's for sale en route to viewing of a house & there was someone home think I got away with it though.

I'm early for appt

My mother thinks I should rent for a while before deciding what to do. My dc go to school locally and I've got a good job and don't want to take them away from their father either.

My theory is buy now, it's paid for before ds finishes college/university. I can do what I like then. Renting is dead money & especially after paying a mortgage for past 11 years I don't want to go back to not owning my own home.

Today I'm going to call court office and pause safety order application, I want to see what will happen with mediation first.

Do you think that might help? How are things at home?

He's not aware I applied for one, and is being so calm at the moment, it would be a shame to have that change just prior to mediation.

Also the court clerk said it's a domestic violence act in ireland not domestic abuse so the threat of it doesn't count and he hasn't abused me physically in last three months and that's part of getting safety order passed.

At the moment, at home, it's like sharing a house with someone you've nothing in common with. We're polite to each other, and communicate regarding the children but nothing else. He speaks to me about things but I don't speak to him about my life.

Mammy are you in Dublin?
If you get your safety order make sure you give a copy to the guards. I wouldn't hand him his copy until they have theirs.

Get all your paperwork together and I mean everything as you will need it down the line.

If you're not a high earner you can claim FIS, lone parents doesn't exist anymore.

In my experience the garda and the courts don't really give a shit about DV. Have you been given another court date since you received your safety order? I think that is only valid for 12 weeks also.

Ah I just read your going to pause safety order. I really wouldn't advise doing this and to be honest it doesn't really help other women to be taken seriously when they apply.

The order is not just for you but you're protection also and if he outs a foot wrong, the guards can remove him from the house.

Not just for you but for your children that should say.

Op you are doing great, I wish you strength and a happy life away from this man.

myheartbelongsto no I'm in Dublin but I'm in Irish Republic alright.

He has to get a summons for court and we both go to court for that to happen so he'd know about it prior to it being granted.

Most of my paperwork is scanned into my google drive anyhow but I'll check that I've got everything and will put birth certs etc into a folder in safe at work instead of safe at home I think.

It's application for safety order, I haven't got one yet. To be fair, they kind of put me off at court office too as he hasn't been physically violent to me recently, all of the times in the past don't matter apparently.

I will not be entitled to working family payment as my earnings are too high

He wouldn't know you got the safety order until you hand him a copy or he gets it in the post the next day. It's unbelievable that the court give you a copy to give to him, talk about putting you in danger!

Then you get a court date for two months after where he gets his say. At that time the judge will give you a protection order for a year. I can well believe the court clerk put you off. The whole system is a crock of shit to be honest.

I went to the guards with broken ribs and a facial injury from a headbutt and they wouldn't even take a statement!

Look after yourself x

I was told you've to give them 7 days clear notice so I would get letter today, he would receive summons tomorrow and on Thurs 26th we would both be in attendance in court, the reason she told me all this as if I applied on date I was with her I would have had almost 4 weeks of living in the same house and him knowing I'd done it. This was by the district court office. She said if I came in covered with bruises etc she could present me and it would be a stronger case, but that she wasn't saying that I wouldn't get it.

I'm sorry to hear you were injured like that.

Mediation is running according to plan so we'll be offered appointments for next month

H is after suggesting we sort this out between us without mediation and that he'll be reasonable and he's sorry and although he doesn't agree us splitting up is the right thing to do, he understands why.