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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm 35 today I've realised my marriage is over

809 replies

mammymammyIRL · 27/02/2018 14:30

Dh emotionally abuses me.
He shouted at me & shoved me in front of our four year old ds for the last time on Sunday morning.
I don't want my 7 year old dd growing up seeing her parents not getting along
I don't want them to think Daddy's getting cross with Mammy is normal or ok

I can't do the rest of my life living like this.

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Original poster
mammymammyIRL · 29/03/2018 05:25

Second house turned to sale agreed last night Sad

Told my cousin also so now have emotional and practical support from her.

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Fluffycloudland77 · 29/03/2018 18:59

There will be other houses. Buying a house is down the line.

The hardest bit is telling your kids.

Original poster
mammymammyIRL · 29/03/2018 22:31

Fluffy that's the hardest bit emotionally but the hardest part at the moment now is getting it through to him that this is happening, we are separating, there is no going back.

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Original poster
mammymammyIRL · 30/03/2018 17:56

So it's 4 weeks today since I told him. We're in separate rooms, polite and courteous to each other and the children and outside world are oblivious.

So I need to step this up a gear. I already know plans for sat so I asked in regard children what are his plans for sun & mon and was he taking them to see family next weekend. His reply yes he would take them if that was ok with me. I said it was then next text do you want to go to local fun day on Sunday, I didn't reply and next text was to confirm we had purchased Easter eggs for dc.

After this I replied and said I wasn't too bothered about local fun day but if he wanted to take dc he could and it's time we divided our freetime properly with the dc going forward.

His reply after a pause OK

So again it's up to me to draw down the discussion but at least he's aware that I'm not changing my mind about separation.

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iwillgetout · 30/03/2018 22:32

Christ he really is chancing it isn't it??? Do you think he's in denial or trying to play this out some way? What a giant headfuck.....what do you think you need to say to him?

Well done on not getting sucked into arranging stuff together on text by blanking it rather than responding, I think that's the right approach but unfortunately may take time to truly get the message across

Original poster
mammymammyIRL · 30/03/2018 22:43

Yep see iwillgetout if you ignore the situation it will go away or isn't really happening or I will soften - I don't even know which of these it is! But it's been a month and no progress so I have to dig in deeper.

My words were both times we discussed argued about this is I AM DONE with our marriage, I am not interested in going for relationship counselling, our marriage is over. I couldn't have been any clearer.

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Original poster
mammymammyIRL · 01/04/2018 13:35

My update

I'm 35 today I've realised my marriage is over
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Fluffycloudland77 · 01/04/2018 17:49

I don’t think he’s going to react until you serve papers, I would guess he’s not told his side of the family.

Original poster
mammymammyIRL · 01/04/2018 18:13

Fluffy I'm afraid you could be right, I'm in quandary at the moment if I apply for safety order, Mediation doesn't stand any chance. Going to find out about position on waiting list next week before I decide on what to do there.

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Laska5772 · 01/04/2018 18:18

mammy do you think you will need a safety order? if he is ignoring you,.. will there be an dangerous anger explosion if you serve him with divorce papers do you think? or will he just go?

thinking of you.. holiday weekends are always much worse i think.

Original poster
mammymammyIRL · 01/04/2018 19:31

It's not divorce papers yet, you've to be separated first. It's an official separation I'm looking for.

ATM I'm going the cheapest route, Mediation followed by going to solicitors to draw up separation agreements approx €200/€300 each.

If it doesn't work which it probably won't it will get messy and more expensive

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Original poster
mammymammyIRL · 02/04/2018 21:36

He mentioned needing to change his van to something with three seats today, possibly accepting the new reality?

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Laska5772 · 02/04/2018 21:47

Yes of course , I was separated from my exH for 14 years before we divorced..(he left me when DS was a few weeks old and we never lived together again ) Obviously this was a mistake as I bought my own house during that time and didn't realise he could have claimed . ( but luckily neither did he so he didn't) , but at the time I thought it was best because of DS.

Why do you need a paid-for separation agreement , Is it a requirement in IRL? . Is it enforceable? and If he doesnt agree, do you have to wait longer for a divorce under Irish law?

Maybe he is accepting..I hope so .

Original poster
mammymammyIRL · 03/04/2018 07:18

I need a paid for separation agreement so it's legally binding and if he renages on it I've got a leg to stand on. If it's just one we agree ourselves there's nothing to stop him changing his mind really.

You must be separated for five years in order to divorce.

I would hope in mediation when he sees that I have a claim on the house he inherited that he might see that selling our own house & dividing proceeds equally is best way forward.

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Original poster
mammymammyIRL · 04/04/2018 14:59

Told another friend today one who had actively encouraged me to leave a few years ago, she's proud of me and we spoke about different scenarios regarding housing access etc

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iwillgetout · 04/04/2018 22:23

That's fab - it's nice for you have someone who gives you a bit of practical advice along with just being your friend....the more people you tell the more 'real' it gets

Original poster
mammymammyIRL · 04/04/2018 22:48

IWillGetOut for sure, if he would just start by telling his family it's get properly real Smile

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notapizzaeater · 04/04/2018 23:51

Can you tell his family ? Are you close to any of them ? You're doing fab

Original poster
mammymammyIRL · 05/04/2018 06:45

@notapizzaeater I am but he needs to take ownership of this & it's going to happen whether he tells his family or not. Plus until we go to mediation and sort out what's happening with house and children we've to continue living in same house. I don't want the children to know until then and if I told his family he could tell our dc and that's not something I'm going to risk right now.

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Original poster
mammymammyIRL · 06/04/2018 05:49

My dm came to stay, she could easily have slept in with me or in my bed & I stay with dc but no the martyr changed his bedclothes and slept on the couch Hmm

She wanted to know who I've told and was concerned that my cousin might have told dm's side of the family, she won't have but I couldn't give a flying fuck if she hasHmmAngry

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MyOtherProfile · 06/04/2018 06:24

Just rtft. Well done OP. You're handling this really well and I hope you get a smooth exit.

Original poster
mammymammyIRL · 07/04/2018 04:45

Thanks myotherprofile

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Original poster
mammymammyIRL · 07/04/2018 15:19

Had a brief reasonable & rational discussion with H this morning and he has agreed we will apply for dc passports & all travel to holiday which is already paid for. Smile

I quizzed dm and she said she was not concerned about relations knowing only of how much they knew so she wouldn't break my confidence. Smile

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Fluffycloudland77 · 07/04/2018 19:46

Is it twin beds?.

Original poster
mammymammyIRL · 07/04/2018 23:30

It's an apartment fluffy with two double rooms so one of us can sleep in each with one of the dc.

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