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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm 35 today I've realised my marriage is over

809 replies

mammymammyIRL · 27/02/2018 14:30

Dh emotionally abuses me.
He shouted at me & shoved me in front of our four year old ds for the last time on Sunday morning.
I don't want my 7 year old dd growing up seeing her parents not getting along
I don't want them to think Daddy's getting cross with Mammy is normal or ok

I can't do the rest of my life living like this.

OP posts:
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9
Fluffycloudland77 · 20/04/2018 19:01

Try & get him to sign something. As long as it’s clear what your agreeing to you can use it in court.

Dh did that with his ex and she was astonished it was taken seriously by the judge.

mammynowanauntyIRL · 20/04/2018 21:28

I think it needs to be mediation as there's so many things to figure out & they're experienced at it.

Won't be agreeing to anything until it's been checked over

mammynowanauntyIRL · 21/04/2018 07:38

Bad nights sleep pondering everything through my subconscious

iwillgetout · 21/04/2018 22:33

Pondering at night can wreak havoc on your sleep - I hope you have a better night tonight

mammynowanauntyIRL · 22/04/2018 06:43

I didn't get to bed until late my parents are visiting for dds birthday party

Slept 6.5 hours straight so that's pretty good

H decided to sleep in granny flat, we've no spare room atm so my parents slept in his. Dc didn't ask where he was at all and he'll be back this morning so they probably won't even notice.

His ds visited yesterday I don't think he told him either but if he did he probably wouldn't have treated me any differently anyhow so who knows.

mammynowanauntyIRL · 23/04/2018 11:34

Party went off well and he was polite and pleasant and stayed out of my way for the most part. It amazes me how oblivious everyone is though!

mammynowanauntyIRL · 27/04/2018 12:19

Both of these really resonate with me

I'm 35 today I've realised my marriage is over
I'm 35 today I've realised my marriage is over
Fluffycloudland77 · 27/04/2018 13:46

I don't think marrieds are expected to be close to each other at parties, dh and I get criticised for sticking close to each other so it probably didn't register on the guests.

mammynowanauntyIRL · 27/04/2018 14:38

fluffy that's true definitely, I just see other couples and there would be a loving touch to elbow or a secret chat etc

Fluffycloudland77 · 27/04/2018 14:46

you can put it on the list of requirements for the next one Wink

mammynowanauntyIRL · 28/04/2018 07:31

Fluffy at the moment I can't imagine even wanting another man ever but I'm sure I won't always feel like this Smile

Up to now when men hit on me I used my wedding ring as a defence, now I'll have to verbalise I'm actually not interested in you Grin

mammynowanauntyIRL · 29/04/2018 08:46

So today dc will be going to H's friends for a few hours, I wonder if he's arranged this so we can talk? He hasn't said.
I've got a stinking headcold so not really in form for talking but it has to happen sometime

mammynowanauntyIRL · 29/04/2018 10:53

Well I was right in thinking H couldn't stay acting rational for long.
He shouted at ds over breakfast this morning causing both dc to cry. Then roared at me and told me to pack my bags and get the fuck out, that I was the one wanting separation so I could fuck off and I needn't think I was going to get the house so handy. I replied saying it's not appropriate to talk about this in front of children and all stuff will be sorted out during mediation.

Ds told me he slapped him for telling the truth, because it wasn't the same as his version.

Fluffycloudland77 · 29/04/2018 11:21

Lovely. He’s bonkers if he thinks he’s keeping that house to himself 🙄.

Are you ok?.

mammynowanauntyIRL · 29/04/2018 13:34

I'm ok ya, just another confirmation(as if I needed oneHmm) that I've made the right decision for me and our dc.

mammynowanauntyIRL · 29/04/2018 13:35

He can have the house if he finds money to buy me out! Don't think he'd be able to take over mortgage alone though

Southamber · 29/04/2018 13:36

Hold your nerve and stand your ground. ThanksStarThanks

mammynowanauntyIRL · 29/04/2018 14:28

Will do southamber I just want to be fair to each of us and have the best outcome for our dc.

mammynowanauntyIRL · 06/05/2018 10:38

So this weekend a few firsts happened H went to a show Friday with tickets bought for us for Christmas, I didn't ask & he didn't say who went with him and other than being nosey about it I don't care in the slightest.
Yesterday then I was at work for 7am and it was left up in the air whether H would drop dc on his way out for the day or not, he did at 10am and then after work I took them out for day and arrived home around 5.30 and then I went out for dinner at a friends except I followed it up with a night out too Grin I didn't tell him this but he didn't ask either. And it felt good!

This morning he's taken them to church and unless he has plans with them I'll suggest a divide & conquer scenario. Groceries need doing and dd needs sandals for a communion we're attending & runners for general wear so I might do this and H can get ds passport photos done and figure out what ds will wear for said communion.

For now though I'm going to enjoy the peace and quiet!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/05/2018 10:50

"I just want to be fair to each of us and have the best outcome for our dc".

You may want that and I believe you sincerely but he is very unlikely to play at all fair here; he will want to mess with you further as "punishment" in his eyes for having the gall to leave him. He will further use the children to get back at you and will remain obstructive post separation.

I would also not attend mediation with him either next month (get your Solicitor to deal with him) because its never recommended in cases of abuse and you have and continue to be controlled and otherwise abused by him. He will simply manipulate the mediator and you are not safe to do mediation with him. You will co-operate in a mediation process, abusers never co-operate.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/05/2018 10:55

To use mediation is to subscribe to the mistaken idea that abuse is related to "misunderstandings" or lack of communication. If discussion and compromise, the mainstay of mediation, could help in any way most domestic violence situations would be long ago resolved because victims of abuse "discuss and compromise" constantly. Mediation assumes both parties will cooperate to make agreements work; the victim has always 'cooperated' with the abuser; the abuser never cooperates.

Mediation can be and is ordered by judges/courts, as can counselling and mental health evaluations. They are tools in the abuser's arsenal to be used against the victim as often as he chooses. In order for mediation to work and to not make situations worse the parties involved must have equal power and must share some common vision of resolution. This is clearly not present when domestic violence has taken place in a relationship.

Mediation practitioners must be alert to the need to interview partners separately with specially designed questions in order to determine if abuse is or has been present. Many domestic violence professionals can train others to screen safely for domestic violence. To not do so risks unsuccessful mediations, at best, and increasing the victim's danger by colluding with the abuser, at worst.

A person who has been terrorized by an abuser is not free to participate in a mediation process with him, even if the mediator(s) assume or believe that they "understand". Being truthful about any of her needs or experiences in the abuser's presence or proximity practically ensures that she is in more danger later.

The mediator is left with a no win: either the victim's danger is increased, or she is not fully or truthfully participating, or both. The well meaning mediator may actually encourage the victim to feel safe enough to share information that could seriously compromise her safety. In any case the whole intent of mediation is lost.

To engage an abuser and a victim in a process that implies equal responsibility is damaging to both. The victim is once again made to feel responsible for the abuser's behavior, and the abuser is allowed to continue to not accept full responsibility for his behaviour choices.

mammynowanauntyIRL · 06/05/2018 13:48

@AttilaTheMeerkat I hope that you are not correct about me and I am emotionally strong enough to get the best outcome from mediation for my children and I.
Currently I haven't sorted a solicitor out because I'm not sure if I need one just to draw up separation agreement at end of mediation or if I'll need one to organise a legal separation with a battle yet.

mammynowanauntyIRL · 11/05/2018 07:33

I'm baffled.

H was asleep when I came home on Wed eve, he's on nights so that's when he should sleep but usually doesn't, he had told ds to wake him for dinner/when I came home. Ds attempted to but couldn't wake him and we left him asleep, suited me lovely!

Yesterday when I came home he was cooking dinner, happens probably three times a year and apologised for not seeing me the previous evening. WTAF I couldn't care less if I never saw him!

iwillgetout · 12/05/2018 20:51

His recent behaviour sends red flags to me....I think you need to start making it clear that you could care less what he does on his own time...I know you are thinking it but I think you need to verbalise it to.

mammynowanauntyIRL · 13/05/2018 15:00

Iwillgetout I really am going to have to aren't I?

This week I'm going to ask who he's told of his family and if it's no one I'm going to ask when he will tell them when for sale sign goes on the house?

Today I took dc out to a family fun day on my own, nothing unusual in that but today is first time H has been left at home knowing he's not welcome. In the past he's been busy or couldn't be bothered or working.
Dd said before we left she wished daddy could come too I'm not sure if this was prompted by him or not.

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