I'm 35 today I've realised my marriage is over

[mammymammyIRL]

Dh emotionally abuses me.
He shouted at me & shoved me in front of our four year old ds for the last time on Sunday morning.
I don't want my 7 year old dd growing up seeing her parents not getting along
I don't want them to think Daddy's getting cross with Mammy is normal or ok

I can't do the rest of my life living like this.

I'll wait to see if more concrete plans are made lifelong I might just enjoy the peace & quiet or I may invite my friend down for the night or I might go out without needing a babysitter, won't plan anything just yet.

Oh Mammy, I'm so glad i stumbled upon this thread. I'm Irish in the uk and suffering pretty much the same as you have but we are not married.

I have a plan to leave but it's going to take some time as we need to relocate to a house I'm buying first in a completely new area and get a little settled. My 'd'p is very shrewd, informed and manipulative so I need to tread carefully but I love that I don't really give a shit when he berated and belittles me anymore as I am a whisper of my former self. The main thing is letting everyone who matters in your life know what's going on...at the moment they are all keeping me strong.

Someone mentioned upthread how is it that us feisty girls get so downtrodden....I wish I knew!!

I meant to say 'but' I'm a whisper of my former self

@iwillgetout obviously I'm not glad that you're in same situation but it's encouraging to hear of someone going through same thing.

My 'd'h is being so placid and supportive at the moment that you would never think he was capable of the outbursts he has. He doesn't belittle me he's more devious than that, he just engineers situations to make things horrible for me. It helps me to remember just one of those occasions every day to know I've made the right decision.

Today I recalled a wedding we attended last October. Things had been on edge for weeks after a row, but we attended and attempted to be civil to each other, we were in the company of his friends for most of the day but not for the meal. After the meal we had a conversation with a friend of his about weight loss, all three of us being heavier than we should be, I have previously worked in weight loss field and was making some suggestions as to what changes he could make, in the spirit of the conversation. I hadn't had a drink the entire day which he wasn't pleased about, and had two after the meal as I planned. His friend left and he snarled at me rubbishing my attempts to lose weight and being incredibly vicious towards me. We ended up leaving the wedding early & went to the room, I took my car keys and went to sit in the car (if I hadn't had those two drinks I'd have driven home and left him there, which would have added further fuel to the fire but I was so angry after spending a lot of money on hair and makeup and hotel to finish up with tears rolling down my face at 11pm) he phoned me repeatedly and came and stood at car window, full of empty apologies. I sent him away and said I would come to bed later, there were two beds in room luckily. I left it long enough that I thought he'd be asleep and went to bed, he wasn't he was waiting for more arguing, I wouldn't participate and I eventually went to sleep.

Have you got dc? A joint mortgage?
These are the reasons I've not moved out yet. I'm mentally preparing for it. A month ago I was against our house being sold, now I'm hoping that's the outcome of mediation.

Do you feel that fiesty you is still there?
I think I can get her back but for now I wish to lick my wounds, nourish my body and soul and live a nice simple stress free life with my dc.

My weight has already started to decrease a little since I officially told him I want to separate, I guess stress levels are going down somewhat.
In the earlier years I would've comfort binged when there was a row, I no longer do that because it's another win for him and doesn't help me at all.

I've had an ongoing health issue since having ds 4 years ago & have a long awaited for appointment for that this week too

Feels like things are starting to click into place - 2018 will be a year to survive & thrive I think for me

Just checking in mammy to admire your strength and calmness.
Are you waiting for him to agree to mediation?

No ferrier both parties must apply, and there's a two month waiting list.

He misunderstood and thought he was applying for couples counselling.

There will be an issue with attending though I can foresee already, meetings are during business hours which will involve taking time off work. Work is priority #1 for him and he would have to take half days as in his work it isn't possible just to take a couple of hours off

Misunderstood?
I guess you could give him a deadline to apply by before moving on to the next stage - solicitor?
I know you'd rather do it cheaply and amicably but if he won't engage is there any point hanging around?

Yep Ferrier that part may be genuine, he didn't know the terminology. I checked, he has put his name on the waiting list so if nothing has happened by beginning of May I will call them again to find out where we are on the waiting list.

It's good to remember the shitty times so we can't be 'talked' back. I've come across some stuff I've written down and it just reaffirms my decision to get the hell out. Yup feisty girl is still in there covered in a layer of lard (my youngest is 18 months) but I've joined the gym and need to work on my food intake to reclaim that part of me!! I know within weeks of getting rid I'll feel light and chipper....I felt the same after breaking up with an ex fiancé (I have horrible taste in men!!)

I actually will write down any insults/situations that happen from now on as a sort of journal of reasons why....it might be worth jotting down any specifics you remember somewhere in case you might need it for extra strength or just for the sheer release.

So this evening I peeked in the windows of three more houses for sale.
One could be a home with a bit of upgrading but is habitable now. Location is closer to work but still manageable for school for dc.
First house I looked at last week ticks every box though
Other two were hovels

Tomorrow I'll apply for safety order.
My dm asked about how things are and questioned cost of going legal route too

I just have images of you getting your steps in peeping in Windows. Ducking up and down to not be seen. Just me being silly.
Are there people in the houses?

Don't let you dm out you off the legal stuff. You need to do this in a way to protect yourself and the DC. Costly or no.

Life they're all unoccupied!!! I am ducking because don't want anyone to ask me why I'm looking at houses!
No she wasn't trying to put me off at all, quite the opposite I think.
I'd say she was just putting a figure on it to see if she could help me out financially.
She has been at me for years to borrow a few thousand interest free to do our driveway and I've always refused because that's a luxury that we should foot the bill for ourselves.

Sorry for the wrong end of the stick.

Just tell them your nosey.

In that case, are your going to let her help you? Your mam that is?

She didn't offer yet but I'm meeting her on Sat, I will give Mediation a go first but when if it doesn't work then I definitely would take my parents help.

Checked distances on that other house 3 miles closer to work and 1 mile further from kids schools than our own. It's two thirds of the price of other house, and a bit bigger, but I didn't fall in love with it at first sight.

First house is walking distance to school and same distance to work, poa but previously advertised price was one third more than other house.

You've got to like where you'll move to (if you can!!) as the costs of moving again in the future and the hassle would be a pain. House hunting is fun though isn't it? I'm selling my house in Ireland at the moment and buying in Kent by the sea

IWillGetOut What province if it's not identifying? I'm in ROI.

The second house is in next parish, so not incredibly different. But it's an older house than the first.

My mother cried at way he treated me about 4 years ago, and what she saw wasn't the worst of it. If she was upset previously why did she try and convince you to stay

Myboys&I this is rural Ireland, there's a put up and shut up mentality & she also feels for the dc with their parents splitting up I guess. She is a very emotional person & blames his behaviour on his long hours at work, that's not a good reason to treat your spouse badly. I work long hours too I don't take it out on my spouse on my children

Attended court office next family law day is almost a month away, he must get 7 days notice of it happening. He would have a month if we processed today so i will go in again to collect my summons on in three weeks time.

Family law lady bolstered my confidence too, said most likely he'll be going to house he inherited & I either stay where we are or move. Only time dc are taken from mother is if the mother is abusing them.

I do sympathise. My mum is very much a "what the neighbours think" type person. For example not allowing me to go to a local counsellor when l was younger incase "someone saw me go in" and would instead drive me 45mins away to one

My house is in Wexford, near courtown. Rural Ireland is where I grew up too but having an openly gay brother whom everyone loves who just got married had helps smash a few of the old ways

IWillGetOut other side of the country to me,

Myboys they have funny ideas