Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He lies over small things...

145 replies

Beebop1 · 26/02/2018 18:47

I know this might sound trivial but I'm noticing it has been happening more and more. My dp must think I'm thick but I 100% know the way the conversation went.

This morning on the train my dp and I were discussing what to have for dinner. As a side note, over the past week I have sorted housework and meals. I also have been the one who has bought food in. Anyway, we agreed that as he was out tonight we would just get an omelette and that he would go and do a 'big shop' tomorrow when he's free. I said we need eggs and something to go in an omelette and it was agreed he would pick something up today.

Fast forward to when I got in the door after work (he had left work an hour earlier than me as his boss was off today). He had done the dishes which I was pleased about although there were only a few of them. I went to the cupboard to get eggs out, there were none and he point blank denied that he had said he would sort it. When I pointed out he had left work early he said he was busy doing other things like 'doing the dishes' and that it had never been agreed he would go to the shop. IT HAD!! He makes me feel like I'm going mad.

In the end when I asked him who he thought was going to the shop he said, "fine, we'll both starve then". I stupidly started to feel bad and said to him that I didn't want to argue over some eggs to which he replied, "you're the one arguing about it". I said to him that I should be able to talk to him about something that had previously been agreed and he maintained that it hadn't. He then flounced out to the gym in a huff and didn't give me a kiss which he always does.

Now I feel really awful. Am I wrong to have a discussion over something so petty?

OP posts:
Original poster
Beebop1 · 26/02/2018 18:53

He is like this about any discussion or argument. He huffs, presumably believes I'm the one in the wrong and decides to move on from it after a couple of days. This way nothing is ever talked about and there are so many unresolved issues eg I think he is still harbouring resentment over an argument we had last week but if I bring it up, it will result in another sulk.

OP posts:
LuxuryWoman2017 · 26/02/2018 19:21

Sounds exhausting. You live together but not married? Kids?

I think you need to come down on him like a ton of bricks over this or it will just go on.
Ultimately if you can't communicate with each other then your relationship will be miserable.

Is this behaviour a deal breaker? It would be for me these days.

Original poster
Beebop1 · 26/02/2018 19:24

I am totally exhausted by it. Not so much the lying over going to the shop, but more the ever being able to have a discussion about anything big or small. I don't even know how to approach it when he comes back later. Leave it for today, have it out with him? I honestly don't know. I hate arguing and the sulking makes me feel like shit as I can't deal with it. It makes me a clingy mess.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beebop1 · 26/02/2018 19:25

We don't have any DC and aren't married. I'm beginning to wonder if I would be happier without this stress in my life.

OP posts:
AthenasOwl · 26/02/2018 19:27

This would drive me utterly mad. It's like he has a problem being wrong and would rather lie than just put his hands up and say 'I forget the eggs! It's so silly but I think behaviour like this is so deep rooted.
How long have you both been together?

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 26/02/2018 19:27

Ah, he is training you. Training you to do the cooking/shopping etc and when its his turn (he cannot be bothered returning the favour) accuses you of all sorts to shut you down.
He will now expect you to feel guilty and to stop future arguements you will make sure food etc is sorted.

1Strawberry · 26/02/2018 19:28

This type of scenario would sometimes happen with my husband and I've come to realise that rather than him lying, it's more a case of him not paying attention at all during the original conversation.. I find it more of a minor irritation than anything serious but so much depends on the context of the rest relationship, I don't think you're wrong to bring it up op - no point in silently fuming..!

PattiStanger · 26/02/2018 19:29

Beware, if he's lying about the small stuff and trying to gaslight you he will lie about the bigger stuff too.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 26/02/2018 19:29

This is not about lying about small things. You are being gaslighted.

ThisLittleKitty · 26/02/2018 19:29

Surely it's just miscommunication rather than a lie?

AthenasOwl · 26/02/2018 19:29

I just think it's power plays. He's totally gaslighting you and then you end up apologising for him being in the wrong and doubting your own reality.

tigercub50 · 26/02/2018 19:31

My DH used to behave like this & it was awful - even now I feel sick when I remember how it used to be. Please don’t let it go on as long as I did. In our case, it took reaching a very low point for things to improve.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 26/02/2018 19:31

He is busy mastering being a useless twat so you have to do everything. Can you imagine bringing a dc into that life? Walk away and find your self a PARTNER.

Original poster
Beebop1 · 26/02/2018 19:31

We've been together about a year and a half. It really makes me doubt myself and even now I am beginning to wonder if the conversation went how I remember...even though I know it did!!

The argument last week was more serious and he said he didn't care what I did anymore. When I confronted him on behaviour he said it didn't matter as he wouldn't be staying with me anyway. I'm not at all happy that this has been swept under the carpet as his reaction to me saying he had done something wrong was just to threaten to leave me.

OP posts:
Ruddygreattiger2016 · 26/02/2018 19:31

Oh and he is also a sulker!? Yup he is training you to put up and shut up.
If my daughter ends up with a wanker like this my heart would break for her.
Be your own best friend op, bin and don't waste time arguing, he thinks he is in the right and nothing you do or say will make him suddenly see the light.Flowers

MaderiaCycle · 26/02/2018 19:32

My husband forgets things all the time. I'd text him something about eggs to double check, or he'd go and get some, or I'd go and get some if he hadn't but we live 3 mins from a shop. You have to let it go.

Either that or he's gaslighting you. Mine is just a forgetful prat.

Lollypop701 · 26/02/2018 19:34

YANBU...and he might genuinely forget. But... Is this how you see the rest of your life panning out????? Because if you don’t resolve his behaviour patterns he will only get worse. Good luck

tigercub50 · 26/02/2018 19:36

I got the threats to leave too......really messed with my head! So sorry OP

Original poster
Beebop1 · 26/02/2018 19:36

I think I knew from his reaction that he was lying about not remembering- he's not as good at lying as he thinks he is. There was at least a 10 minute gap between this conversation and him leaving the house so he could have called round to the shop if he'd wanted to as it's 2 minutes away. I thought his comment about us both starving was ridiculous.

OP posts:
ClareB83 · 26/02/2018 19:36

If I was going out with him the first sulk would have got him dumped. Cannot bear adults who sulk. Grow the fuck up and have a conversation.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 26/02/2018 19:36

This won't get better. You are better off out of it - imagine how exhausting it would be 5 or 10 years down the line, when you can't rely on him to pick the kids up from school or make them food, even though he agreed to do it. You will never be able to rely on him to do anything.

Also men who lie as easily as they breathe will not hesitate to tell big lies when it suits them. They can't be trusted and it is massively disrespectful behaviour. The moodiness and blaming you is manipulative as well.

LuxuryWoman2017 · 26/02/2018 19:37

The sulking would kill it for me.
If you can't talk to him then you have no future. I'd cut my losses now. It shouldn't be like this.

Original poster
Beebop1 · 26/02/2018 19:37

I know I could have gone myself as I'm free but that's not really the point imo. He is out every night of the week and his time is not more valuable than mine as I've reminded him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beebop1 · 26/02/2018 19:39

I'm determined not to go to the shop btw. He can eat beans on toast if he can't be bothered going himself. It annoys me it has got to this though.Sad

OP posts:
LuxuryWoman2017 · 26/02/2018 19:40

It's nothing to do with eggs though is it?
It's him being a sulky manchild.

Swipe left for the next trending thread