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Original poster

He lies over small things...

145 replies

Beebop1 · 26/02/2018 18:47

I know this might sound trivial but I'm noticing it has been happening more and more. My dp must think I'm thick but I 100% know the way the conversation went.

This morning on the train my dp and I were discussing what to have for dinner. As a side note, over the past week I have sorted housework and meals. I also have been the one who has bought food in. Anyway, we agreed that as he was out tonight we would just get an omelette and that he would go and do a 'big shop' tomorrow when he's free. I said we need eggs and something to go in an omelette and it was agreed he would pick something up today.

Fast forward to when I got in the door after work (he had left work an hour earlier than me as his boss was off today). He had done the dishes which I was pleased about although there were only a few of them. I went to the cupboard to get eggs out, there were none and he point blank denied that he had said he would sort it. When I pointed out he had left work early he said he was busy doing other things like 'doing the dishes' and that it had never been agreed he would go to the shop. IT HAD!! He makes me feel like I'm going mad.

In the end when I asked him who he thought was going to the shop he said, "fine, we'll both starve then". I stupidly started to feel bad and said to him that I didn't want to argue over some eggs to which he replied, "you're the one arguing about it". I said to him that I should be able to talk to him about something that had previously been agreed and he maintained that it hadn't. He then flounced out to the gym in a huff and didn't give me a kiss which he always does.

Now I feel really awful. Am I wrong to have a discussion over something so petty?

OP posts:
Qvar · 28/02/2018 11:36

Look, h e might love you as muc as he's ever going to love anyone, but it doesn't matter because his love is abusive.

To him, love is possession and control

Why do you WANT love like that?

He's never going to go back to the way he was at first, because it was a short term illusion designed to lock you down. He's going to use dread and gaslighting along with 'tactical affection' in order to keep you around, obediently waiting for him to love you like he used to. He's not going to. he is doing his best to organise his life the way he wants it, and that is with you doing everything and saying nothing. If he didn't want his life like that, he wouldn't be trying to make it so.

The question is, do YOU want that for yourself? Do you want to be nothing more than a domesticated vagina to someone who is supposed to be an equal partner to you?

It's not like me to insist "not all men" but honestly, so very many more men are better than this. Being alone would be an upgrade.

Zaphodsotherhead · 28/02/2018 12:15

He hasn't understood what he's done. He's not making you tea as an apology. He's doing it because he needs you to think he's nice 'underneath it all'. And because he doesn't really want to leave - he'd have to find someone else willing to put up with him otherwise. He's just got you nice and trained up to take his shit.

Honestly. You need to tell him it's over, and to leave. All this 'going out every evening 'running'... I'd strongly suspect someone else anyway.

CherryMaDeary · 28/02/2018 13:38

So you call him out on his behaviour (expecting you to cook every night while he does his hobby and for being bad to you) and he immediately turns it around on you (your appearance and lack of hobbies).

It sounds like you will always be at fault.

ravenmum · 28/02/2018 14:04

So you're being painted as a nagging, unreasonable woman who tells him to stop doing things he likes and makes him unhappy because of the way you dress and what you do. It's all your fault and he is a poor blameless lamb.

Blameless lambs don't leave people, obviously. They are far too nice for that. (I'm guessing that he's the goodie in this scenario?)

ravenmum · 28/02/2018 14:07

One problem with low self-esteem is that you tend to assume that other people are nicer, better, cleverer, have more friends etc. And some people love you making that assumption, as they love being the better person in the relationship.

Original poster
Beebop1 · 28/02/2018 15:02

I think I might be mistaking love with co-dependency but I'm scared of him leaving me for various reasons. I know that things aren't right and I'm so hurt by his comments last night that I cried to my sister about it when I met her at lunchtime. I'm an emotional wreck and can't deal with the thought of going home tonight to more arguments and discussions- I'm not strong enough.

I know that I am attractive enough and that he is certainly not more attractive than me, but I think in his head he thinks he is better. eg he is always weighing himself and asking me if I think he looks thinner/more ripped because of his training. I think he is shallow and vain and possibly belives he could do better

OP posts:
Original poster
Beebop1 · 28/02/2018 15:05

He thinks he could do better than me, I mean.

OP posts:
windchimesabotage · 28/02/2018 15:06

Id seriously leave this man! He sounds like an arse. That is no way to live. Everyone argues, but if you are consistently painted as being in the wrong regardless of any context and you are never allowed to express any type of anger or displeasure towards him that is really not healthy. Its borderline emotional abuse imo. You are having your concerns and feelings constantly negated and turned on you.

You could and do deserve to be so much happier.
There are plenty of men out there who are not like this!!

windchimesabotage · 28/02/2018 15:11

this also really reminds me of this reductress article

reductress.com/post/im-sorry-i-was-being-so-crazy-while-you-were-treating-me-like-shit/

ravenmum · 28/02/2018 15:14

Wel, there's one really easy way to make sure that he doesn't leave you, frankly.

ravenmum · 28/02/2018 15:22

Would you see him leaving you as confirming that you are worthless? Or why are you scared?

ClareB83 · 28/02/2018 15:23

Yes I don't understand why you're scared of him leaving.

Screaminginsideme · 28/02/2018 15:30

My husband used to sulk about things, ignore the issues because he didn’t want to argue. He’d presume it was over and in the past when he decided it was. I’d allow him to get away with items in part it set a pattern of behaviour that led to him cheating. Don’t allow this behaviour it is controlling and you will resent him for it

Emmageddon · 28/02/2018 15:40

LTB. Seriously. You deserve so much better.

Original poster
Beebop1 · 28/02/2018 16:05

I suppose I'm scared to be on my own and also I'm worried that it will tip me over the edge as far as my mental health is concerned. Stupid as it sounds I would miss the company. We work fairly close to each other and I would see him and it would make things awkward. I was also thinking that if I saw him with somebody else it would be hard to cope.

He text me there as we hadn't been in touch all day- normally either one of us would have messaged by now to see how our day is going. I don't know if it was deliberate but he left off the xxx that he normally would add at the end. I constantly feel like I'm being manipulated.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 28/02/2018 16:16

So you're gong to stick with him forever (or until he does actually leave) for that reason? Whatever happens? Doesn't sound like much of a plan to me.

When did you last live alone?

You're catastrophising the situation; imagining the end of the relationship in the worst possible light, with you having a breakdown. That is not a good pattern of thought. Another way of imagining it might be that you leave, it's horrible at first but after a while, with distance, you see the relationship in a new light, and without him to "support" you, you muddle through somehow and are then proud of your new-found independence. And discover that no, you are not the horrible person he is making you out to be. And in fact your next boyfriend loves sitting in on the sofa watching TV with you, and sees nothing wrong with it!

Or maybe it will work out differently altogether. Who knows!

CherryMaDeary · 28/02/2018 16:23

Well you're not toeing the line so he is punishing you by withholding affection.

You may not realise it but he is contributing to your lack of self confidence and mental health issues.

Let him lie to some other woman. I promise it won't hurt as much as you fear and you will live through it just fine.

LuxuryWoman2017 · 28/02/2018 16:33

It's worth saying the more you put up with the less he'll respect you and the cycle spirals downwards for any self esteem you still hold.

lolaflores · 28/02/2018 16:41

You were alive before him and you will be after him. He is someone you met and it hasn't worked out due to his behaviour and no reflection on you.
If he hooks up with someone else, then it isn't because she is better than you, or more worthy its because there is a vacancy for an availble woman for him to play his games with.
Don't be scared. Be grateful that you can make this decision for yourself.
Flick him two very big V's as you sail past or his bag sails past his head. Which ever is handiest.
Then you must care for yourself properly. Deal with the anxiety and depression before doing another thing.
You can do this. You have to. Do not give him another moments satisfaction at your distress, it is feeding his monumental arsehole ways.

Graphista · 28/02/2018 16:46

Sulker - my ex sulked I WISH mn had existed when I first started dating him - one time he didn't speak to me at all for 2 weeks! (I quite enjoyed the peace)
Gaslighting
Won't admit he's wrong
Lying
Threatening to leave

Nah I wouldn't be putting up with that.

Low level emotional abuse, you're only 18 months in he should still be in trying to impress you mode.

"As soon as I question him on anything, even minor things, I get the silent treatment and the threat of him leaving." No. Dump and run.

"If he doesn't love me why doesn't he just leave?" Wants it to be your fault. You've already said he never admits he's wrong.

I was with ex almost 11 years - not once in all that time did he admit he was wrong or apologise.

Please also be aware of "cycle of abuse" just when you're not accepting his bad behaviour he turns the good behaviour on - why couldn't he do that before?

The more you post the more I think "dump!"

I too am fairly certain your depression would vastly improve as a result

BobbinThreadbare123 · 28/02/2018 16:52

Ugh dump him. My XH was like this. Sulking over stupid trivia. Gaslighting, complaining that I didn't do all the stupid hobbies etc. My hair wasn't straight enough, or mid brown enough, or I wasn't well enough. It was soul destroying. I rather suspect he ramped the shit up towards the end to try and force me to leave or chuck him out so I would look like the bad guy, but in the end, he left. Thank chuff.

Original poster
Beebop1 · 28/02/2018 17:20

Just to clarify as several people have asked. We live together but the tenancy is in my name. In some ways I wish it was in his as would be easier for me to just get out of there.

OP posts:
Thebluedog · 28/02/2018 17:34

You may find that your mental health improves as a result of you leaving him

CherryMaDeary · 28/02/2018 17:41

Well if the tendency is in your name then he has no rights surely?

Just tell him to leave. If he won't, put his stuff in black bin liners and dump it outside for him.

PrizeOik · 28/02/2018 17:47

Come on love. Are you saying you're just going to live with him forever because it will be awkward/lonely if you split? You're going to make yourself so fucking miserable....! He's awful and sounds like he had such contempt for you!