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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He lies over small things...

145 replies

Beebop1 · 26/02/2018 18:47

I know this might sound trivial but I'm noticing it has been happening more and more. My dp must think I'm thick but I 100% know the way the conversation went.

This morning on the train my dp and I were discussing what to have for dinner. As a side note, over the past week I have sorted housework and meals. I also have been the one who has bought food in. Anyway, we agreed that as he was out tonight we would just get an omelette and that he would go and do a 'big shop' tomorrow when he's free. I said we need eggs and something to go in an omelette and it was agreed he would pick something up today.

Fast forward to when I got in the door after work (he had left work an hour earlier than me as his boss was off today). He had done the dishes which I was pleased about although there were only a few of them. I went to the cupboard to get eggs out, there were none and he point blank denied that he had said he would sort it. When I pointed out he had left work early he said he was busy doing other things like 'doing the dishes' and that it had never been agreed he would go to the shop. IT HAD!! He makes me feel like I'm going mad.

In the end when I asked him who he thought was going to the shop he said, "fine, we'll both starve then". I stupidly started to feel bad and said to him that I didn't want to argue over some eggs to which he replied, "you're the one arguing about it". I said to him that I should be able to talk to him about something that had previously been agreed and he maintained that it hadn't. He then flounced out to the gym in a huff and didn't give me a kiss which he always does.

Now I feel really awful. Am I wrong to have a discussion over something so petty?

OP posts:
ravenmum · 26/02/2018 21:43

He’s basically telling you that he decides what happens and you get to fall in with it. And he will make a scene until you give in.
And you will always be made out to be the nasty, unreasonable, nagging, petty woman. Until you start to actually believe it.

Now I feel really awful. Like that.

ugghhreally · 26/02/2018 21:44

He sounds like a dick. My husband and I have very different tastes and tend to buy our own things during the week as we invariably eat at different times depending upon when we get home. That said, husband will always text or call to ask if I want him to pick anything up for me and vice versa. That is what people do. Your oh's behaviour is shitty, and that is before even factoring in his threats to leave. He sounds like a petulant child.

Anonagain2017 · 26/02/2018 21:51

Please wake up. My ex was exactly like this and it wore me down over the years as he got worse and worse. He used to lie about conversations and other silly little things. I used to wonder if it was a control thing. He never used to talk things over either - everything would be brushed under the carpet and unresolved.
We separated last year and its the best decision I ever made.
He will only get worse and sulking is the absolute worst thing in an adult. Tell him to go sulk in his own house.

Qvar · 26/02/2018 21:55

thecitybachelor.com/dread-game-101-keep-women-interested-long-term/

When you have read this link, you may feel very, very disconcerted, not least because it applies to the way your partner behaves.

In summary, it's about the use of dread to keep a woman in line. Sulking, manipulating, making her think he can leave her, threatening to leave her, making sure she knows that a 'drop' in her "behaviour" will result in punishment. Dread.

tigercub50 · 26/02/2018 22:17

I agree that it probably goes back to childhood. Also with DH, part of how he behaved was due to cripplingly low self - esteem. That wasn’t an excuse though.

Shoxfordian · 26/02/2018 22:44

Next time he threatens to leave then let him
Better still tell him to leave
He's a knob

Hidingtonothing · 26/02/2018 22:47

It absolutely isn't an excuse, in some cases it does offer some explanation but that has to be followed up by doing the hard work needed to change behaviour. I'll admit I led the way with my DH but he's had to put the effort in too otherwise we would just have kept butting heads until we'd both had enough.

We were probably 5 years in before this kind of behaviour became problematic and we had enough going for us that it was worth persevering for me. I'm not suggesting that's the case for you necessarily OP (and your last post makes me think maybe not) but that has to be your call.

One thing I will say is you will need a 'take no shit' attitude if you do want to stay with him, you need to make sure he achieves nothing by sulking (the less you react the better ime) and that you're strong enough to not take his shit on board and let it tie you in knots, make you change your behaviour or feel bad about yourself. If you don't think you can (or don't want to) do that then my advice is absolutely ltb.

Soon2bemum2017 · 26/02/2018 22:52

My Husband does the same OP except it is because he doesn't listen and then tries to fill in the gaps himself.

I would really rather he just ask me again 🙄

If you think he is gaslighting you then i wouldn't put up with that. Call his bluff if he says he is gonna leave etc he'll soon get the point.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 27/02/2018 08:01

Gaslighting a person is absolutely disgusting behaviour. Given that you know he is lying and does remember, why would you put up with that?

Mintylemons · 27/02/2018 08:08

Whether he’s lying, gas lighting, sulking whatever, none of it’s very nice is it? Or respectful. His need to be right is more important than being kind to you. I have a friend who’s husband is like this, and my blood boils when he argues over tiny pointless things that I see as perfectly reasonable requests/questions. I’d seriously rethink your long term intentions in regards to him.

ChickenMom · 27/02/2018 08:17

He’s out every night. He’s not doing things he promised to do. He’s not caring that you aren’t eating even though he’s home earlier than you. He’s told you he’s not staying with you anyway. What more hints do you want?
He’s checked out of this relationship and doesn’t really want to be in it. It sounds like a lot of hard work for you and not very nice way to live. My ex was like this guy. It was an exhausting 5 years. When he was in a good mood it was great but he had to have his own way all the time and it always went to shit if he was ever told he was wrong. Even silly little things. The sulks and moods were unbelievable. I walked away and didn’t look back. Best thing I ever did. I cringe when I think of him now. Don’t waste any more precious years to this undeserving man.

thiswas · 27/02/2018 08:23

Leave

whitecandles · 27/02/2018 08:25

Sulking is the worst, it's so petty and pathetic.

The not going to the shop...it's very likely I'd also forget something like that, but I'd more than likely just be like 'oh shit, I didn't go, let's go together/I'll go now' rather than making a big deal of it.

It's the making a big deal of it and sulking that would be a deal breaker for me.

PippinOrange · 27/02/2018 10:21

He’s out every night. He’s not doing things he promised to do. He’s not caring that you aren’t eating even though he’s home earlier than you. He’s told you he’s not staying with you anyway. What more hints do you want?

^ This.

hellsbellsmelons · 27/02/2018 13:36

Look up 'gaslighting abuse' and also 'stonewalling abuse'
That's 2 types right there.
Not to mention the manipulation and blackmailing you regarding leaving!
Pack him a bag for when he gets back from the gym.
Honestly, life is way too short for this.
Time to put you 1st for a change.
Stop tip-toeing around this fucking man-child.
You might find the Lundy Bancroft book - Why does he do that? an interesting read. I've a feeling you will find your 'D'P in there.

Bananacabana · 27/02/2018 15:08

Lying and gas lighting you to question your own sanity? Awful. Abusive.

I'm also wondering if he's purposely caused the argument? Maybe to A. Give you chance to go to the shop (don't by the way -control) or B. Has he got himself someone else and this gives him chance to disappear for longer? I only considered option B because of the ridiculousness of his reaction to being asked about eggs.

Whatever the answer may be, you're not being loved, respected or cherished. You deserve better Thanks

midnightmisssuki · 27/02/2018 16:26

Do you own the house together? I would call his bluff and say you want to leave - ask him to move out. He sounds like a man-shild, is this someone you envision spending the rest of your life with? How old is he - 12? Chuck him out.

Zaphodsotherhead · 27/02/2018 16:47

I'd just wait until the next time he threatens to leave, then just hold out your hand.

When he says 'what are you doing?' you just say 'key. Now.'

He will back pedal like a champion, but stick to your guns. He doesn't really want to leave, who would do all the housework then?

Original poster
Beebop1 · 27/02/2018 16:48

Well, unfortunately he came home and was still in a mood so we had another argument/discussion. I wouldn't back down this time and made him listen to my point of view. I noticed he tried a certain tactic on me during this. For example, we were talking about the extent of his training ie everyday and he asked, "do you want me to it all up then?". I just replied, "that's up to you". Later on in the conversation his training came up again and he said, "sure you told me to give it up anyway". Erm, no I didn't!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Beebop1 · 27/02/2018 16:53

I said about him threatening to leave anytime I try to discuss anything and said if he wanted to leave, he should just leave. I also said I wasn't putting up with the sulking anymore and shortly afterwards I went up to bed as it was late. This must have made him think as he said goodnight normally and was cuddling me during the night. Don't know what to do...

OP posts:
LuxuryWoman2017 · 27/02/2018 17:00

Oh god I so recognise the 'do you want me to give it all up' playground tactics.

Question is do you want to stay with him? If you do then you'll have to keep calling him out which is exhausting. I know the frustration, please don't waste the years I did.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 27/02/2018 17:10

My usually OK DH uses that "So I'll just give it up completely then" tactic on me occasionally. After almost 30 years married, knowing he is giving me a knee jerk, stupid, stressy response I now reply "Yes please, that would be lovely"

He usually stops and (sometime after a protracted silence) grins and apologises. That is what I would consider a normal response!

Original poster
Beebop1 · 27/02/2018 17:35

The problem is I do love him although I know that probably isn't enough. I can't work out if he cares about me or not. Sometimes he can be so sweet but at other times he is basically a bit of an asshole and very critical. If he doesn't love me, why doesn't he just leave like he said he would?

OP posts:
LuxuryWoman2017 · 27/02/2018 17:46

OK, you love him at the moment, but I promise you that will fade, with every lie, every twatty episode a little bit of love will die. Death by a thousand cuts.

There is little that is less attractive than a grow- ass man throwing a tantrum or sulking. It's almost laughable they think you would want them in any way with that behaviour, except it's not funny, it's tiring and tiresome. That's how I think of my ex now - a tiresome little man.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 27/02/2018 17:47

He'll stop threatening to leave you wjen you make it clear you aren't going to beg him to stay or change your behaviour out of fear that he will leave you.
Once he understands that you will be perfectly fine without him (probably happier tbh), he'll stop saying it because it isn't a successful tactic to put you back in your box.

The only answer to 'I'll leave you' is 'don't let the door hit you in the arse on the way out'!