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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He lies over small things...

145 replies

Beebop1 · 26/02/2018 18:47

I know this might sound trivial but I'm noticing it has been happening more and more. My dp must think I'm thick but I 100% know the way the conversation went.

This morning on the train my dp and I were discussing what to have for dinner. As a side note, over the past week I have sorted housework and meals. I also have been the one who has bought food in. Anyway, we agreed that as he was out tonight we would just get an omelette and that he would go and do a 'big shop' tomorrow when he's free. I said we need eggs and something to go in an omelette and it was agreed he would pick something up today.

Fast forward to when I got in the door after work (he had left work an hour earlier than me as his boss was off today). He had done the dishes which I was pleased about although there were only a few of them. I went to the cupboard to get eggs out, there were none and he point blank denied that he had said he would sort it. When I pointed out he had left work early he said he was busy doing other things like 'doing the dishes' and that it had never been agreed he would go to the shop. IT HAD!! He makes me feel like I'm going mad.

In the end when I asked him who he thought was going to the shop he said, "fine, we'll both starve then". I stupidly started to feel bad and said to him that I didn't want to argue over some eggs to which he replied, "you're the one arguing about it". I said to him that I should be able to talk to him about something that had previously been agreed and he maintained that it hadn't. He then flounced out to the gym in a huff and didn't give me a kiss which he always does.

Now I feel really awful. Am I wrong to have a discussion over something so petty?

OP posts:

LuxuryWoman2017 · 27/02/2018 17:49

Oh and toddlers can be 'so sweet' they can also be 'assholes' - they're still learning though and tend to grow out of it - imagine you having a small toddler and a big one too - nice thought?

Original poster

Beebop1 · 27/02/2018 20:46

I'm so upset right now and lying here crying my eyes out. We had ANOTHER argument as we went to do the 'big shop' together (more fool me) and when we got home it was expected I would be cooking dinner while he went for a run. I finally got him to explain why he has become increasingly less kind to me over the past few months and he said it was because he wasn't happy. He was going to just literally run off and not explain further but I pressed him for an answer. At this stage I should say that I suffer from depression/low self-esteem. He is out every night and as I have no hobbies (I know this is my problem) I tend to just watch TV/box sets.

Anyway, one of the main reasons he isn't happy is because he thinks I'm lazy and just spend my evenings doing nothing. He also said I don't take pride in my appearance when I'm in the house, slob around in an old hoodie and don't brush my hair. I pointed out that when he is just in the house he wears his old tracksuit bottoms and that it is usual not to get dressed up when at home. I mean I do wear makeup before I leave the house! I am also a size 8-10 so not overweight.

This has really got to me as it is about my appearance which I already don't like very much. I would still fancy him if he put on a few stone and his hair was all over the place. Am I wrong to expect the same courtesy? I wonder what he would be like of I put on weight or had children? I am so upset? Why can I not just be myself in my own home? I would be grateful for any opinions please.

OP posts:

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 27/02/2018 20:59

He is nasty. The sooner you get rid, the better. There is nothing wrong in anything you are doing - totally normal to be comfy at home and entirely up to you what you do of an evening. Who the fuck is he to criticise?
Honestly, he is a total arse. Please leave him

PhuntSox · 27/02/2018 21:01

Maybe you would have more confidence and be happier without the stress of this relationship?

LuxuryWoman2017 · 27/02/2018 21:05

I'm sorry my love but this relationship is over. I think your self worth will grow away from him. He doesn't love you and has basically told you that but it does not mean you are unlovable.

He's not the one for you, please don't demean yourself with him any longer.

C0untDucku1a · 27/02/2018 21:18

He very clearly doesn't care about you. He probably forsnt leave because he grts a kick out of the way he treats you.

Original poster

Beebop1 · 27/02/2018 21:20

Thank you so much everyone. Just feeling so shit about myself. I do already but this hasn't helped. I admit that due to my depression I have a tendency to not do very much in the evenings. Hopefully this will improve. However, I do still shave my legs etc so I'm not that bad!!

OP posts:

ClareB83 · 27/02/2018 21:48

Please dump him. He doesn't like you and you shouldn't like him.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 27/02/2018 22:33

You don't have to do anything on the evenings if you don't want to. You don't need improving - you are fine as you are. Stop thinking that he is right - he isn't. He is just a hypocritical, nasty man and you deserve better.

ScreamingLevitation · 27/02/2018 22:38

Can I ask how long you have had depression for? Can't help but wonder if your symptoms would at least improve if you get rid of this tosser.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 27/02/2018 23:01

So you were expected to do the wifework (which you also did last week. This week was supposed to be HIS turn, remember??) And when you question his behaviour its all blamed on your appearance!?!?! Wtaf gives him the right to criticise you, he is the lazy twat leaving you to do the grunt work!!!!
Seriously hope you wake the fuck up, op, and get rid of this man child bully.
He is playing you like a fiddle!!

FrozenMargarita17 · 27/02/2018 23:12

He sounds like a complete twat. I had my baby 7 months ago and I look like absolute SHIT all of the time but my husband doesn't love me any less. That's what a partnership is!! He has no right to blame your appearance AT HOME for his unhappiness. Idiot man.

TwentySmackeroos · 27/02/2018 23:25

So what's the housing situation? Renting joint tenancy? Or does one/both of you own the house?

What it boils down to is he is not very nice to you and in what should be a loving relationship, people are at a minimum nice to each other. That's at a minimum. Low bar, there.

GottadoitGottadoit · 27/02/2018 23:35

I was married to a sulker, it’s like they can’t control it. I had to leave in the end.

Gingersstuff · 27/02/2018 23:45

He's a weapons-grade arsehole. 18 months in and he's treating you like shit. This is not about you not being a perfectly made up Stepford wife, this is about him being a nasty wee shite.
Please, tell him to leave. This POS is doing nothing for you or your self esteem and you're playing his game. Get him out before you get sucked in completely and have kids to him and you wake up in 10 years time a shadow of your glorious self.

Zaphodsotherhead · 28/02/2018 08:53

I don't know many people who 'make an effort' when they are in the house with their OH. Why should they need to? If you can't relax with your partner, who can you relax with?

Your self esteem isn't going to get any better with this tosspot in your life. There's nothing wrong with being at home watching the TV of an evening - it's what most people do! He is trying to nibble away at whatever is left of your self esteem until you are rock bottom and let him get away with murder just so you won't lose him. He'll start the 'no one else would put up with you' shit soon, I predict...

hellsbellsmelons · 28/02/2018 09:08

Wow - I've been with my current OH for about 6 weeks.
And he's seen me in PJ's and Ugg boots and big old dressing gown and he loves it.
I hardly ever wear make up.
Please don't put up with this.
You are worth more.
I would predict your depression improves a bit once he's out of your life.

This sums it up nicely for me (and I'll be stealing it for future)
He's a weapons-grade arsehole

RandomMess · 28/02/2018 09:15

Seems like he wants you available for all the wifework whilst he does as he pleases and he gets the pleasure of criticising you for not being different?

Ditch him op

Risen · 28/02/2018 09:49

I had this with an ex, years ago. I resorted to recording him (not great, I know!) a couple of times and he still denied saying it

People like this, I believe, eventually believe their own lies. It's scary.

gingergenius · 28/02/2018 10:02

He sounds awful. I'd stop now. It's not easy but it is simple.

So sorry you feel like shit. Don't let him do that to you any more.

Original poster

Beebop1 · 28/02/2018 10:13

Thank you for all the kind comments. I cried on and off during the night and today in work is going to be a long day. I feel so drained!!

He must know he overstepped the mark as he got up early (which he rarely does) to make me tea/breakfast etc. He also tried to be really chatty with me instead of being quiet as he normally is in the morning. He asked me why I was so grumpy and why I had sat downstairs for an hour in the middle of the night, although I'm sure he knows. I just said I was fine as don't have the strength to argue anymore.

OP posts:

LuxuryWoman2017 · 28/02/2018 10:17

Of course he knows - can you really live with this blowing hot and cold?

I'm sorry you are going through this but the truth is when you love someone the default setting is to want to be nice to them

S0ph1a · 28/02/2018 10:22

This won't get better. You are better off out of it - imagine how exhausting it would be 5 or 10 years down the line, when you can't rely on him to pick the kids up from school or make them food, even though he agreed to do it. You will never be able to rely on him to do anything

Also men who lie as easily as they breathe will not hesitate to tell big lies when it suits them. They can't be trusted and it is massively disrespectful behaviour. The moodiness and blaming you is manipulative as well

This. I married a man like this and it was a disaster. I couldn’t trust him to do anything with the kids because he “ forgot “ or was late. So I had to do everything myself. Ditto the housework .

If I called him out on anything I got

Denial - “ I never said I’d pick up eggs “ ( even if I showed him the text)

Deflection - it’s unreasonable of you to expect me to buy eggs because [ reason I never mentioned at the time ]

Fake apology “ I’m just the worst husband in the world, I can’t do anything right, I’m a total failure as a human being “ [ please comfort me and tell me I’m wrong ]

Anger “ well in that case it’s over and I’m leaving, it’s clear you are not happy in this relationship “ .

So I stopped raising issues to avoid the three days sulks over eggs,

But the anger and resentment( at my doing everything and his doing nothing ) destroyed all my feelings for him. And of course I was exhausted by the 24/7 responsibility for three small children, 365 days a year.

Get out now while you still can OP.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/02/2018 10:30

"If he doesn't love me, why doesn't he just leave like he said he would?"

Because he likes having you around to abuse, he gets what he wants out of this relationship. He enjoys having the power and control.

Now he is doing the "nice" part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is also a continuous one. He is truly a weapons grade arsehole who will make any underling depression problems you have far worse. I think he honed in on you anyway because you are vulnerable and such men can sense vulnerability a mile off.

You have stated you love him but are you really confusing love here with codependency?

BewareOfDragons · 28/02/2018 11:20

I would tell him to go.

And he's only 'being nice' this morning because he knows you're starting to see what he truly thinks of you versus him.

Get rid.

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