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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He lies over small things...

145 replies

Beebop1 · 26/02/2018 18:47

I know this might sound trivial but I'm noticing it has been happening more and more. My dp must think I'm thick but I 100% know the way the conversation went.

This morning on the train my dp and I were discussing what to have for dinner. As a side note, over the past week I have sorted housework and meals. I also have been the one who has bought food in. Anyway, we agreed that as he was out tonight we would just get an omelette and that he would go and do a 'big shop' tomorrow when he's free. I said we need eggs and something to go in an omelette and it was agreed he would pick something up today.

Fast forward to when I got in the door after work (he had left work an hour earlier than me as his boss was off today). He had done the dishes which I was pleased about although there were only a few of them. I went to the cupboard to get eggs out, there were none and he point blank denied that he had said he would sort it. When I pointed out he had left work early he said he was busy doing other things like 'doing the dishes' and that it had never been agreed he would go to the shop. IT HAD!! He makes me feel like I'm going mad.

In the end when I asked him who he thought was going to the shop he said, "fine, we'll both starve then". I stupidly started to feel bad and said to him that I didn't want to argue over some eggs to which he replied, "you're the one arguing about it". I said to him that I should be able to talk to him about something that had previously been agreed and he maintained that it hadn't. He then flounced out to the gym in a huff and didn't give me a kiss which he always does.

Now I feel really awful. Am I wrong to have a discussion over something so petty?

OP posts:
Original poster
Beebop1 · 26/02/2018 19:42

Thank you @LuxuryWoman2017 That is exactly it. I couldn't care about eggs but I do care about selfishness.

OP posts:
Elledouble · 26/02/2018 19:42

I’ve known various men like this. Just stupid small lies, like they’ve spoken to their mum about something or that they didn’t leave the tap running. And the knee jerk reaction is always “Yes I did!” or “you do that all the time!”. If they just said “oh yeh, sorry about that” it wouldn’t turn into an issue, but it’s just so wearing.

LuxuryWoman2017 · 26/02/2018 19:48

So, it's your life - can you live with the mantrums? Or cut loose and find a grown up man?

I will tell you I lost 18 years of my life to a sulker, don't be me.

tigercub50 · 26/02/2018 19:49

I reached the point where I really wanted to record him so that I could prove that he had definitely said something that he was flatly denying! It was like it would have killed him to be in the wrong

wetpebbles · 26/02/2018 19:51

I can't stand liars, especially when they lie to your face.

Ilovecrumpets · 26/02/2018 20:06

My ex was like this.

Exhausting and then really began to mess with my self confidence. Plus it then drags the relationship into standoffs. I think your instinct is also right it’s about selfishness and always seeking the easy way out rather than facing any confrontation?

He then of course had an affair - the lying about that seemed to come very easily to him too!

Hidingtonothing · 26/02/2018 20:10

This sounds horribly familiar OP, especially the sulking and the effect that has on you. My DH has got considerably better but it's literally taken years and a lot of hard work to get there.

My approach has been to call him out, every single time. I refuse to back down and say he's right or even accept that he thinks he is, I call bullshit and won't be swayed. Then I ignore the sulking completely, just get on with doing my thing and don't let it make me a 'clingy mess'.

It took time for me to get to that stage, I used to do the 'fix the atmosphere at any cost' thing but it gets you nowhere and gnaws away at your self respect into the bargain. With DH I've managed to (mostly!) work out where it comes from and some of the credit for the improvement has to go to him, he's definitely more self aware these days although I doubt he would be if I hadn't forced his hand.

We have DC and have been together a long time though, which I guess is why I've persevered. That and his good points (which are many), there does have to be enough there to make you want to put the effort in and only you can say whether that's true in your case.

My advice (if you're staying anyway) is to stand up to him, let him try to gaslight, let him swear that black is white, let him sulk but don't buy into it or pander to it. Make sure he knows you won't be swayed by his bullshit and that you won't give in to sulking, it'll either make him change his ways or it will cause so much conflict you decide to walk away. Either way at least you won't be in limbo and spending ridiculous amounts of time trying to figure out how to 'handle him'.

ScreamingLevitation · 26/02/2018 20:13

I think you'd be happier without this inconvenience bloke. I wouldn't waste time trying to change him. I don't believe that there is such a thing as a fixer-upper man. They're either worth your time or they're not.

BewareOfDragons · 26/02/2018 20:15

The argument last week was more serious and he said he didn't care what I did anymore. When I confronted him on behaviour he said it didn't matter as he wouldn't be staying with me anyway.

Right there is when you should have told him to leave. Right there.

Find some dignity. Value yourself. He is gaslighting you regularly, and when that doesn't work, he tells you he doesn't care about you and is leaving. Get him out of your life and be thankful you don't have children with him.

trackrBird · 26/02/2018 20:16

I think this is more serious than it looks. You are being gaslighted. He’s acting like a drama queen. He doesn’t take responsibility for anything (blaming you is part of this).

In fact he’d rather lie, and huff, and get in a state than either a) do what you’ve agreed, or b) admit he forgot, and make other arrangements like an adult.

He’s basically telling you that he decides what happens and you get to fall in with it. And he will make a scene until you give in. This is controlling.

In my experience the ‘moving on’ part you describe usually boils down to you having to swallow unacceptable behaviour because ‘it’s all in the past, why dredge it up.’ Very convenient. Nothing is ever resolved or apologised for, and you have, on some level, set yourself up for next time.

C0untDucku1a · 26/02/2018 20:18

THIS is an abusive man. He is gas-lighting you and training you not to dare question him. This will get worse. You will never be able to trust a word he says and you will become afraid to question him because you know what the outcome will be. Ive read it rakes two years for people to show their true colours. Be grateful he has really shown himself as a nob after a year.

Move out. Or move him out.
Have fun with your friends.
Dont settle for a wanker.

Minxmumma · 26/02/2018 20:20

I spent 10 long years married to a man who did exactly this all the blooming time. It started with small stuff, escalating into him taking to his bed with a pint of wine and a headache, reaching its epic peak of him accusing me of having an affair with his work colleague who I had only just met and chucking me out of our hotel room!

It is such hard work - it is your life please do not let him control it. Years and years of sulking man child tantrums are just not worth it.

As pp said find your dignity and walk away before he drags you down ((hugs))

Original poster
Beebop1 · 26/02/2018 20:21

@Hidingtonothing Thanks so much for your advice and it's interesting you've been through similar and managed to turn it around. I'm wondering how you deal with the sulking as it's not something I've come across before. Do you completely ignore it, confront him or be extra nice to make him realise how bad his behaviour is? Unfortunately, my normal reaction to this type of behaviour is that it makes me feel bad about myself so I quickly try to make it up, hug him etc which normally results in him turning away from me and me feeling even worse. Either that or I get really angry and rant which obviously isn't helpful.Sad

OP posts:
DarthNigel · 26/02/2018 20:22

What are his good points? Do they balance this stuff out?

Runlovingmummy81 · 26/02/2018 20:27

He will only get worse. He's finding out how far he can push you. You deserve better. X

Original poster
Beebop1 · 26/02/2018 20:29

I'm not sure @DarthNigel I'm beginning to think he isn't that kind to me and is a bit of a dick. Everything is fine and he loves me to bits as long as I tow the line. As soon as I question him on anything, even minor things, I get the silent treatment and the threat of him leaving.

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 26/02/2018 20:31

Clearly training you beebop. You will immensely happier without him. And if not have some counselling before dating again.

LuxuryWoman2017 · 26/02/2018 20:40

Ok, so imagine putting babies into this scenario, does it look good?

DarthNigel · 26/02/2018 20:40

In that case then op-you know the answer don't you?
You owe yourself more than settling for someone who is a 'dick' and who only treats you well if you are acting in ways he deems acceptable (which basically amounts to doing all the housework, shopping and cooking-the wife work basically).
There is more to life than that-you deserve better...

Hidingtonothing · 26/02/2018 20:41

It took me a long time to figure out what worked and I used to react exactly the same as you. I couldn't bear the atmosphere so would turn myself inside out trying to 'fix' it. Now (and occasions are very rare these days) I mostly ignore it, I probably do speak to/involve him less in whatever I'm doing, I just get on with it without him. I speak to him normally when the need arises, its the sulking I'm ignoring rather than him if that makes sense so I just act as though I haven't noticed it. I think he's figured out now that it doesn't achieve whatever it is he's aiming for, it seems to have finally clicked that it doesn't wash with me.

I can fully understand where other posters are coming from when they say it's not worth the effort of trying to change him though, there really does need to be a lot worth sticking around for to put that much work in.

Hidingtonothing · 26/02/2018 20:46

Having seen your last post you may have answered that question for yourself, my DH is generally not a dick and is kind and loving towards me. I'm not sure it was ever about control or me 'towing the line' with him and I can track the actual causes of his behaviour right back to his childhood.

PussGirl · 26/02/2018 20:51

He sounds like an arse.

No-one ought to "toe the line" in a relationship!

Iflyaway · 26/02/2018 21:08

Sounds exhausting. Also sounds like gaslighting.

Why are you with him exactly?

As MN would say "Does he have a golden cock?"

Get the fuck out of there, he is dragging you down till you don't know the fuck which way is up!

Iflyaway · 26/02/2018 21:12

As soon as I question him on anything, even minor things, I get the silent treatment and the threat of him leaving.

Personally, I'd be happy to have a shit like him out of my life. Why aren't you? You have to question yourself on this, not question him on his crap to you.

KickAssAngel · 26/02/2018 21:18

" I'm beginning to wonder if I would be happier without this stress in my life."

you would be happier without this stress in your life.