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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He lies over small things...

145 replies

Beebop1 · 26/02/2018 18:47

I know this might sound trivial but I'm noticing it has been happening more and more. My dp must think I'm thick but I 100% know the way the conversation went.

This morning on the train my dp and I were discussing what to have for dinner. As a side note, over the past week I have sorted housework and meals. I also have been the one who has bought food in. Anyway, we agreed that as he was out tonight we would just get an omelette and that he would go and do a 'big shop' tomorrow when he's free. I said we need eggs and something to go in an omelette and it was agreed he would pick something up today.

Fast forward to when I got in the door after work (he had left work an hour earlier than me as his boss was off today). He had done the dishes which I was pleased about although there were only a few of them. I went to the cupboard to get eggs out, there were none and he point blank denied that he had said he would sort it. When I pointed out he had left work early he said he was busy doing other things like 'doing the dishes' and that it had never been agreed he would go to the shop. IT HAD!! He makes me feel like I'm going mad.

In the end when I asked him who he thought was going to the shop he said, "fine, we'll both starve then". I stupidly started to feel bad and said to him that I didn't want to argue over some eggs to which he replied, "you're the one arguing about it". I said to him that I should be able to talk to him about something that had previously been agreed and he maintained that it hadn't. He then flounced out to the gym in a huff and didn't give me a kiss which he always does.

Now I feel really awful. Am I wrong to have a discussion over something so petty?

OP posts:

RachelTeeth · 28/02/2018 18:22

Sounds like you’re going to stay with your abusive boyfriend, so please don’t choose to bring kids into that shitshow, trust me, they will grow up incredibly damaged by seeing their mother abused and feeling like they have to protect you, walking on eggshells, pandering to their scumbag father and will grow up to despise you both for forcing them into it all.
No point in navel gazing and arguing with your boyfriend, he knows what he’s doing, he doesn’t care, he enjoys it so no he won’t change, this is who he is. Arguing means there is some doubt over who is right, that’s irrelevent here, so no need for arguments.

Original poster

Beebop1 · 28/02/2018 18:40

@RachelTeeth Thanks for your comment. I know should leave him but I'm so emotionally exhausted. I can't muster the energy to do anything let alone tell him to leave today. How would I face going to work tomorrow? I wish I was a strong person but I back down so easily and am quick to believe I am in the wrong. Saying that, I'm not sure I can ever move on from what he said about my appearance.

OP posts:

ClareB83 · 28/02/2018 18:43

Can you plan a weekend away without him with friends/your family doing something nice? It might let you get energised and make a plan for leaving him/kicking him out.

Lovelyusername · 28/02/2018 19:03

Perhaps you haven’t seen as much of your friends recently, maybe he doesn’t like them much.

You could give up the tenancy and get a different place. Would you event need to tell him? Hmmmmmmm

Does he pay rent? He’s never going to leave with you to do all the work and to abuse!

It is hard to be strong but to us it sounds like he is 90% the cause of your mental health issues.

Lemonyknickers · 28/02/2018 19:13

It may feel hard now but how much of your exhaustion would go without him round? The initial upset will be like pulling a plaster off but not having to second guess and tiptoe around will make you feel great. I've been there like PP, it really does get better and once you're out you look back and think how the F did I put up with that shit

YearOfYouRemember · 28/02/2018 19:27

When you finally kick him out of your life you'll wish you did it sooner, I guarantee. I'm also sure your mental health will improve immeasurably.

trackrBird · 28/02/2018 19:36

Beebop1, give yourself time. If you feel tired and have any depression, it will be like trying to change your life while fighting flu.

So be kind to yourself, and maybe think about what small things you can do, given how you are feeling. Especially, where you can get some support. Are you close to your sister, for example? Maybe she could act as a listening ear, or help you with some plans. How about the GP? If you aren’t getting treatment for depression it might be worth asking about that. If you can access a counsellor, a few sessions might help?

These are only thoughts, but I think if you feel a bit better in yourself, and more supported, it will be easier to see a way forward.

Cherryberrypie · 28/02/2018 21:50

Beebop1, next time he threatens to leave, just tell him "OK, off you trot" tell him you will help him pack and DON'T BACK DOWN. When he starts to back track and say he didn't mean it, just stick to your guns. Say, it was his idea to go, and you agree it would be the best thing.

Once he's gone, you can settle back on your sofa, in your PJ's, watch telly and enjoy your evening in peace, without his snide comments about makeup and all the other rubbish he spouts in order to make you feel bad.

You don't know it yet but the relief you will feel will surprise you.

Good luck

Original poster

Beebop1 · 01/03/2018 20:39

For what it's worth, he apologised over his comments and I think THINK!! he was sincere.

Last night he threatened to leave again (I know!!) and started to pack his bags. I said that he could do whatever he wanted after his comments the previous evening. I said that if he didn't value me or think I was attractive, I didn't want him anyway as that was just his opinion and I know myself that I look OK. I told him he is under the illusion that he is somehow better looking than me but I know that this is false. I said that I don't believe he knows what love is and that in my opinion it is that you grow old and grey with somebody, and accept them the way they are, warts and all. I told him that I would wear what I wanted around the house and that I should be able to feel comfortable in my own home...if he wanted somebody that would be dressed up all the time and ready and waiting for him to come home he could look elsewhere.

He was very upset (as was I) and said several times that he was really sorry. He said he didn't mean it like that but that due to my depression, he comes home to me sleeping and that when I'm like that I'm not looking after myself.

OP posts:

CherryMaDeary · 01/03/2018 20:43

First of all, well done for saying all that to him.

But he's now backtracking, it's not about your appearance, he's ^worried' about you

Why did he threaten to leave last night?

Original poster

Beebop1 · 01/03/2018 20:47

Thanks @CherryMaDeary He said he was leaving for a few days and had had enough. We had a few words when we got home from work essentially because I was still annoyed and upset about the night before. I can't even remember what it was about but he said something and I snapped.

OP posts:

CherryMaDeary · 01/03/2018 20:54

OP, you have said you would get out of there if you weren't on the tenancy.

Can you not find the strength to tell him to leave?

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 01/03/2018 20:55

Backtrack, backtrack, backtrack then blame him being a twat on your depression. Sigh.
His version of love is abusive bollocks.
I pray one day you actually feel confident enough to kick him out of YOUR HOME. Guys like him make me sick.

acupofcocoainbed · 01/03/2018 20:58

He didn't intent to leave last night. He wanted you to beg him to stay and when that didn't work he backtracked.
It's not about who is better looking.
Also your ideas about love 'warts and all' are not right, it shouldn't be this hard so early in your relationship. You don't need to stick with this arse just because you've made a commitment.

Hispterwannabe · 01/03/2018 21:08

I’m never really a fan of attributing personality disorder labels on people as most of us aren’t psychiatrists but it does sound a little like gaslighting (by the google definition). It would seem that these small lies are making you question your own sanity which is not good. I read that some people gaslight in order to gain more control in the relationship. I’ve been in a similar situation and one day I looked in the mirror and really disliked my reflection. I had become angry and embittered, constantly wanting to prove I wasn’t insane, that he was the one who was lying and in the end I just looked crazy. These relationships become like addictions and can be seriously dangerous to your mental health.

LuxuryWoman2017 · 01/03/2018 21:12

Absolutely he had no intention to leave but you didn't follow the script he thought you would. He however did follow a tired old script, it's so familiar that backtracking.

You're supposed to cry and beg him to stay and say you'll change, then he gets to be big man and forgive you until next time.

Fuck that noise.

ClareB83 · 01/03/2018 21:23

So you're not looking after yourself and his reaction is to shirk all domestic responsibilities and fuck off to the gym.

No.

If he loved you he'd want to help and support you. Grocery shopping and making dinner are the basics of a good housemate never mind someone you're supposed to be in a relationship with.

Original poster

Beebop1 · 01/03/2018 21:58

Thank you everyone. I know I'm weak but I really tried my best last night. All your comments really helped me with what to say.

OP posts:

LuxuryWoman2017 · 01/03/2018 22:10

One more thought from me.
Do you think this man is tying himself in knots over this? Starting threads for advice? Is his mind full of doubts? Is he consumed over your relationship issues?
Wondering how to make things right?

The answer would be no.

He likes this power. Because he is horrible.

trackrBird · 01/03/2018 23:32

Good points from LuxuryWoman2017.

Beebop, you are not weak at all, you are strong. I’m full of admiration for the way you called him out. Everything you said was fair and direct. Good on you!

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