having to meet someone my oh betrayed me with at a family wedding...

[andhardlyanywomenatall]

The person in question very cleverly befriended his then-very-unhappy-and-jealous-of-me sister as a way of staying close to my DH. It was a long time ago and said sister is now transformed and going to marry a lovely man and I am truly happy for her.

But it was a terrible betrayal, just at the point where I had allowed myself to let my guard down and love someone for the first (and only) time. It took us many many years for the scars to fade. The sister's profound unhappiness at the time meant I couldn't really stand up for myself - it would have been kicking someone when they're down.

My oh was only 23/24 at the time but he handled it very badly. He has a flaw in his otherwise lovely nature which is that he cannot bear to be the bad guy and would rather be polite than piss off someone in order to be loyal to me. like I say, the woman in question was very tactical in befriending the sister.

the person is from the place where we met and used that to the full so we "lost" those memories iyswim.

I kept this all inside after the initial awful period but it would come out in anger for years afterwards. Thankfully it faded after the children were born.

I don't know what I'm asking tbh. Does anyone understand?

my strategy will, I think, be to bury my head in the sand and hope to christ my sil does not put us on the same table as the person i would love never to have existed. It's only one day. but it's weird to feel the pain again.

my sil's view (we have only rarely discussed this) is that she is not responsible for my dh's actions and she is, of course, right. She was highly depressed at the time and so even I said that to her - she was too vulnerable iyswim. So my oh tied himself in knots...

I think you are within your rights to tell her you won’t sit at the same table, at least. Did she sleep with your OH? Because I’d be blaming him more than her.

The other woman isn't solely responsible for what happened. If you see her then just be civil and walk away.

I think you're directing your anger at the wrong person.

gide, thank you.
yes, she did, but we were sooooo young. As with many of these things, it was how DH handled the aftermath that was so awful. I was expected to tag along and smile.

shox - yes. I know people go through far worse every day of the week.

I don't want to punish sister-as-she-is-now for who-she-was-then. She was very depressed. Now she is truly happy. She may have little idea of what I went through.

I get that bum. partners have flaws. we were 23.... we're not that any more.

has he changed? no. has he been faithful? yes. so the problem hasn't arisen iyswim

I don't really understand your sister in laws illness relevance.

She is friends with this woman and has invited her to her wedding. Is this correct? She says she should not end the friend ship because your husband and her had a relationship as she is not responsible for his actions, is this correct? This is a long lasting friendship between this woman and your sister in law?

Did they have an affair ? How long ago was it?

I don’t see what your sil has to do with it, tho? Just tell her you aren’t sitting with the woman at her wedding. Simple.

I don’t think this is that complicated- your SIL doesn’t have to ditch the friend but she does have to avoid seating you at the same table! It’s down to your DH to ensure that doesn’t happen as it was his fuck up.

yes, all correct.

sil was acting very badly/unpleasantly throughout that period (her unhappiness was a major feature of everyone's life at the time)
sil and I don't discuss it apart from the odd cryptic remark and I would never tell her to end the friendship.
I don't even know if she will invite.

it was in the 1990s.

I don't know why this has such power over me. I'm not like this in relation to anyone else.

I love mumsnet.

I have devoted countless nights to thinking this over (not recently but you know what I mean)

The one thing I have never thought of it as being was uncomplicated!!

you've made me laugh.

So it was 20 years ago?? Let it go.

I'm still sort of laughing.

I didn't realise letting it go was something a person like me could actually do iyswim!

This was 20 years ago? Then you are very much overthinking it! Just let it go and have a nice time at the wedding.

you are not the first person to tell me I overthink....

I had a weird childhood!

I also feel that you're directing your emotions onto the SIL and it's misplaced. You've mentioned her so many more times than your husband.

From a practical standpoint, just ask her not to be seated together.

It was 20 years ago, I'm sure you've all changed, I hope your OH has because it's quite odd to sleep with someone just to be polite!

Ask your husband to ask his sister to seat you separately.

You seem a bit too focused on his sister in all of this. Other this woman being her friend, I don't see why her health has anything to do with it? I doubt she befriended her simply to get close to your husband, they have been friends for more than 20 years so it seems to be a genuine friendship.

I don’t see how the sisters unhappiness prevented you from standing up for yourself, or how that would have been kicking someone when they’re down? Surely you only needed to stand up to your DP and the other woman? I don’t understand how your DH tied himself in knots to the point of sleeping with another woman due to his sisters vulnerability.

I get that you don’t want to sit with his woman and therefore your SIL needs to know that, but other than that, I don’t see why you are so focussed on the SIL or her illness.

I'm going against the grain here. So what if it was 20 years ago? Your husband cheated on you with this woman. Then your SIL became friends with her?

Imo you deserve a bit more respect and consideration all around. You chose to forgive him but you still have feelings and should never have been put in a situation where the OW will always be in the backround because she just 'happened' to befriend your sil.

Your DH needs to realise where his priorities lie, start being grateful that you gave him an other chance and make sure this wound doesn't keep being opened up for you. He created the problem, you are his wife, so he needs to make it clear to his sister that family is more important than this 'friend' and you will not be attending the wedding if she is there. And he fact that the sister had depression in the past is irrelevant imo. Mental illness is no excuse to treat your family like shit

I'd be pissed off too - have a response in case she approaches you, tell DH your rules (ie no talking except to brush her off etc... )

Insist she's not on your table or anything that's likely to cause sparkes

Let it go...it was a long time ago. Enjoy your life and happiness
You waste your time and energy thinking about past actions that are well in the past, and she minds her own business without a care in the world. The only person you upset is yourself

He chose you, he's still with you. Will he speak to her, is he still in touch? If so I wouldn't go. If not I think she should be feeling embarrassed. Presume he has grovelled at the time and you trust him now.

I agree you're very focused on your SIL for some reason, your posts mention her a lot but not the actual woman (who I'm assuming your now DH shagged, although you haven't been specific.)

This is pretty simple.

Your DH calls or messages his sister and says "Will Betrayal Woman be coming to your wedding?"
The answer may well be no, in which case you can stop worrying!
If she says yes, then he just needs to say "OK, can you please make sure she is seated well away from us."

I'm really confused as to what the SIL has to do with the affair?

But I would definitely not be sitting at a table with a woman my husband slept with whilst in a relationship with me!

I would certainly ask your sil to not be at the same table than that person.
I wouod also have a very serious word with your OH and ask him, for your sake as much as his, to avoid that person and to not talk to her bar the very bare niceties he can’t avoid (by that I mean, ‘hello how are you doingk, small smile and ‘oh I’ve just seen xxx. If you can excuse me’)

The hurt that was caused by her actions and the ones form your OH were clearly profound if they still arrived years and years after. Don’t act as if it never existed.
And by the same token, don’t act as if this is end of the world and everything will get hard an difficult again.

Have you heard from her since then and how her life has turned out? Do you think she is likely to use her ‘tricks’ again or she has well moved in from that?

What first your DH have to say about this? What’s his solution? Surely you need to make this his problem, as he is responsible here.