having to meet someone my oh betrayed me with at a family wedding...

[andhardlyanywomenatall]

The person in question very cleverly befriended his then-very-unhappy-and-jealous-of-me sister as a way of staying close to my DH. It was a long time ago and said sister is now transformed and going to marry a lovely man and I am truly happy for her.

But it was a terrible betrayal, just at the point where I had allowed myself to let my guard down and love someone for the first (and only) time. It took us many many years for the scars to fade. The sister's profound unhappiness at the time meant I couldn't really stand up for myself - it would have been kicking someone when they're down.

My oh was only 23/24 at the time but he handled it very badly. He has a flaw in his otherwise lovely nature which is that he cannot bear to be the bad guy and would rather be polite than piss off someone in order to be loyal to me. like I say, the woman in question was very tactical in befriending the sister.

the person is from the place where we met and used that to the full so we "lost" those memories iyswim.

I kept this all inside after the initial awful period but it would come out in anger for years afterwards. Thankfully it faded after the children were born.

I don't know what I'm asking tbh. Does anyone understand?

my strategy will, I think, be to bury my head in the sand and hope to christ my sil does not put us on the same table as the person i would love never to have existed. It's only one day. but it's weird to feel the pain again.

my sil's view (we have only rarely discussed this) is that she is not responsible for my dh's actions and she is, of course, right. She was highly depressed at the time and so even I said that to her - she was too vulnerable iyswim. So my oh tied himself in knots...

Were you married at the time of the betrayal OP? It's relevant to me only in that if you weren't, your marriage vows would overtake what he did and you could take comfort from that perhaps?

Your dh didnt sleep with her because he was too polite. He slept with her brcause he wanted to.

This. Or two young.

I do hope he's been faithful ever since, because I'm still baffled as to why you stayed with him.

And your SIL is still friends with her?

Why was your SIL then jealous of you?

What a messy thread.

So DH shagged someone 20 years ago. The person may be coming to a family wedding.
What is your question? If you should go? If DH should go? If you can demand SIL doesn't invite the person? If you have to talk to the person?

I’m sorry but IMO you are way, way overreacting about this.

While I can see that you at the time felt threatened by this woman, this isn’t a case of your dh having cheated on you and you having moved on for the sake of the kids, the marriage or whatever. He slept with this woman while you weren’t living together, absolutely not a moment of glory on anyone’s part, but you worked through it, married him and had kids with him. These were all choices you made and I absolutely disagree that under those circumstances he owes it to you to pay for that indiscretion for the rest of his life.

IMO it’s also somewhat arrogant to think that someone who was after your husband twenty years ago is going to move in for the kill at his sister’s wedding.

None of you are the people you were twenty years ago. The more demands you make about this the more you are going to look like the one in the wrong. Let it go.

Why are people questioning the OPs decision to stay with her partner!

FFS. Just because you’re either OW yourselves or failed to make your marriage work like the OP has.

If it was me I would firstly find out if ow has been invited. I would then tell sil that 7nder no circumstances is she to put me and dh anywhere near her. If she wants you both to attend this is not negotiable.
Finally and most importantly I would be telling dh that I expect his utmost loyalty and if he puts someone else's feelings above yours again and betrays you by playing nice with this woman, you will never forgive him. Make it absolutely clear so there can be no misunderstanding as to how important this is to you.

The reason it feels so raw is because everybody else's feelings have bern considered bar yours. Your h has never been held to account for doing a shitty thing.

Why are people questioning the OPs decision to stay with her partner!
FFS. Just because you’re either OW yourselves or failed to make your marriage work like the OP has.

OW themselves?
"Failed" to make marriage work with cheating husband?

Where did you use your brain cells last? They're probably still there.

*Why are people questioning the OPs decision to stay with her partner!

FFS. Just because you’re either OW yourselves or failed to make your marriage work like the OP has.*

Maybe because their are plenty of people that wouldn't stay with a partner that cheated on them?

I don't think you need to be an OW or had a marriage break up to question it.

There not their!

Just because you’re either OW yourselves or failed to make your marriage work like the OP has.

The Op wasnt married to him at the time. She could have, easily, walked away. But 20 years later she is still casting the OW as the villian and her dh as the too polite, victim.

And she is still harbouring alot of pain and resentment. Its not healthy. For her.

And no I havent been a OW. I just dont think the OW is the only one to blame for all this.

It sounds like the OP would rather blame everyone else rather than her unfaithful husband.

OK - so he wasn't your DH at the time, but you'd started dating him, and then were living in different countries having a long distance relationship, he slept with someone else, then broke it off with the someone else, told you and tried to win you back, yes?

Then the OW becomes good friends with your SIL, and you believe it was entirely because she was trying to get your now DH back. Everyone keeps from SIL that her DB slept with OW, so she's confused that you (and possibly your now DH) are being cold to her friend, thinks it's because you don't like SIL.

You and your nowDH didn't tell SIL that he'd bumped uglies with OW because you didn't want SIL to think her friend was just using her.

20 years have passed, your DH has not gone back to OW or any other woman.

However, you and your DH do seem to be of the opinion that OW is only using SIL. That's unlikely.

You've both grown up and changed, OW probably has too.

From her point of view, it's probably not the most significant sexual relationship of her life. I can see why it feels important to you and your DH, as it has defined the start of your relationship, and 20 years on, you are still with each other.

Wear a fabulous dress, remember you are part of the key wedding party, being the Bride's family. Make a huge effort to spend your time with your DH's family, she's just one of the bride's old friends. Don't give her more importance than she needs. If she's happy in her life, I bet she doesn't give you/your DH a second thought.

Nah - it’s always the same on these threads.

The OP is after advice on this, not opinions on whether she made the right decision 20+ years ago.

Nowhere in that timeline does it say that your OH took responsibility for his actions and made up for it.
This is entirely his fault.
It's no wonder you sound like you couldn't trust him and why you're still so angry at this woman. It would be hard under normal circusmtances but you stayed with a guy who cheated on you and has, after all these years left you to get over it on your own... and done bugger all to help you through this.

You have to speak to your DP and figure out if you really want to be with him. Kids or not, without trust there isn't a good relationship there. Can he work on this with you? Can he show you that he's sorry? Is he going to talk to SIL and explain that he cannot be near this woman and therefore whilst he is doing his part in not speaking to the woman can she make sure he is not seated near her (along with you) and he will bear the brunt of any problem that arises from it?

Make sure there is a resolution to this or you will always be feeling this way about him.

Sorry, I'm still a bit confused. Were you in a relationship with your husband at the time when he slept with OW? Or married?

Frankly, if you think your husband slept with OW out of politeness then you are incredibly naive. He's done an absolute number in terms of spreading the blame everywhere except himself.

And why on earth did you make yourself look inexplicably hostile , rather than just telling the family that you were angry that your husband has sex with this woman? Your sister's depression surely wasn't caused by anything to do with your husband's sex life?

It sounds as if you've been sweet-talked into shutting TFU and taking the blame for your husband's shagging around.

I'd be brutally honest with SIL and PIL, and tell them that if OW is invited to the wedding she'd better be seated away from you and DH, because his infidelity still has repercussions now and you don't want it to have any impact on SIL's day.

What she is is worried about meeting an old OW, while still excusing her cheating husband.
"Too polite", FFS.

If the OP can face her OH, she can face the OW.

I think your H is responsible for making this wedding a tolerable experience for you, and he should do this by asking his sister to ensure you and your H are seated together and well away from the OW. He should then demonstrate throughout the entire day how special he thinks you are, and you need to put on your confident face, smile, be gracious, be the best you can be and 100% secure in your self and your long term marriage.

It isn't clear to me whether your H has gone through the necessary dawning realisation of just how much damage he did when he betrayed you. Has he over the years demonstrated deep regret (through words and deeds) and showed compassion and genuine understanding of the damage he did? Has he listened to you properly express your hurt? If not, then maybe now is the time.

Were you married when this betrayal took place? If not, maybe you don't need to re-hash things as part of the healing process - after all he did choose you to marry and spend his life with.

If you were married then I don't think in 20 years (or ever, actually) you can be expected to have arrived at a point where you can just 'let it go' as some posters have suggested, not without doing the necessary work - which is hard but vital to put it completely behind you.

You never know, you might enjoy the wedding. It might be the final healing moment where you get the chance to publicly demonstrate how happy your life is and how irrelevant she and what she did is to you and your family. Good luck.

Ths is nuts,

It was 20 years ago and you don't even know if This woman is invited to the wedding or not?

The issue is your husband wasn't unfaithful to you at the beginning of the relationship. It was sod all to do with your sister in law. It's not her fault he shagged this woman. It's not her fault you didn't address it with him. Stop blaming her. If you still have issues, which you very clearly do. Take them up with your husband. Your sister in law has every right to invite her friend to her wedding.

And again, you don't even know if she's invited and you're this stressed about it? And it was twenty years ago?.

Let it go. You managed to forgive him, so why not her too? Let go of the hurt, go to the wedding, rejoice in your SIL's happiness.

You need to have a proper conversation with your DH about this.

He needs to tell his sister not to seat the two of you anywhere near the OW and not to engineer any situations in which either of you needs to speak to her.

You then agree that, should she approach you or should he engage in conversation with her over and above politely making his excuses and moving away from her, you will leave the wedding together immediately without any further discussion.

You then attend the wedding, both ignore the OW and have a pleasant time.

Your DH needs to take responsibility for his actions and this is the way he should do it.

Your husband was unfaithful! Not wasn't.

Out of curiousity when you say you met your husband abroad and then you left then he got with this then girl, how long had you and him been together before you left?

If you feel so strongly about it after all this time is it really wise to go to the wedding. I'd say ask for this person not to be invited or if she is say that you are sorry but you are unable to attend. I wouldn't attend under the circumstances if I felt as strongly about it all as you do.

Nope sorry I don’t get this idea that he owes her anything more than she does. At the time he cheated she could have walked away and she didn’t.

We’re not talking someone who broke their marriage vows here, we’re talking a couple in a long distance relationship who were newly dating by all accounts. It’s certainly not his finest hour, but the OP married him and had children with him of her own free will.

And I have been there. My now eXH had an affair with some woman just after we moved in together. When I found out we had multiple rows about it. It was someone he’d met while away for work and it only ended because she met someone else (who was married and had a child) but as it was they lived so far apart and it was prior to regular access to email etc that it IMO would never have lasted. but as things were we moved on, got engaged, married and had children.

we’re divorced now for different reasons but having moved on from the affair to the point of having got married and had children together you don’t get to beat someone with that stick for the rest of their life. You either forgive or you don’t. If you’re already married and there are already children then there is some argument that you might have stayed for the kids and that turned out to be the wrong decision, but unless one is claiming that a woman has no control over her life to the point she felt forced into marriage and children with a man then one has to assume that the OP is married to this man of her own free will.

And to assume that this woman has stayed friends with the SIL purely because of her unrequited love/infatuation with OP’s dh is ridiculous in the extreme.

No one is questioning why OP stayed with her husband. But why has he been absolved of blame because he was "so young and too polite"?