having to meet someone my oh betrayed me with at a family wedding...

[andhardlyanywomenatall]

The person in question very cleverly befriended his then-very-unhappy-and-jealous-of-me sister as a way of staying close to my DH. It was a long time ago and said sister is now transformed and going to marry a lovely man and I am truly happy for her.

But it was a terrible betrayal, just at the point where I had allowed myself to let my guard down and love someone for the first (and only) time. It took us many many years for the scars to fade. The sister's profound unhappiness at the time meant I couldn't really stand up for myself - it would have been kicking someone when they're down.

My oh was only 23/24 at the time but he handled it very badly. He has a flaw in his otherwise lovely nature which is that he cannot bear to be the bad guy and would rather be polite than piss off someone in order to be loyal to me. like I say, the woman in question was very tactical in befriending the sister.

the person is from the place where we met and used that to the full so we "lost" those memories iyswim.

I kept this all inside after the initial awful period but it would come out in anger for years afterwards. Thankfully it faded after the children were born.

I don't know what I'm asking tbh. Does anyone understand?

my strategy will, I think, be to bury my head in the sand and hope to christ my sil does not put us on the same table as the person i would love never to have existed. It's only one day. but it's weird to feel the pain again.

my sil's view (we have only rarely discussed this) is that she is not responsible for my dh's actions and she is, of course, right. She was highly depressed at the time and so even I said that to her - she was too vulnerable iyswim. So my oh tied himself in knots...

ChaosNeverRains - my thoughts exactly.

Princess syndrome, nothing to do with him being her Prince.

Er ok, I may have changed my position on this, seeing as it now seems you were bonking away with somebody else too for the first 18 months of your relationship...

So my advice would be to realise your H is clearly committed to you and loves you (otherwise why would he put up with the first 18 months' shenannegans) so go to the wedding and ignore this woman - she does not matter.

I don't usually think about her boop.

yes, I am, in a way, still angry with us both. that's why I was saying how young we were. I was very immature, experimenting, thinking I could be a different person abroad.

again, really sorry about the drip feed. The only person who knew what was going on at all times was dh.

Your sil's fragility was unconnected with your dp's infidelity.
There is no reason why you couldn't have worked through your issues in trusting your dp whilst being supportive of sil's mental health difficulties.
Did your dp use his sister as an excuse to avoid the situation? Or did you avoid it and use her mental health difficulties as an excuse?

what is princess syndrome?

Given all you've said you would just be reminding everyone what a brat you were at the time if you were to make demands about the ow presence at the wedding

Did your dp use his sister as an excuse to avoid the situation?

Hi Feisty, yes.

Gosh, I am making us both sound awful.... we are, surprisingly, pretty normal nowadays.

So how come it was ok for you to shag two men for eighteen months but not for him to shag someone else while you were on a break?

I'll take brat Anti.

We are all very different now. except dh I think.

I know chaos.

so I was experiencing a lot of pain and simultaneously telling myself I wasn't entitled to experience it. or was I? And trying to figure it out and failing miserably.

There wasn’t any infidelity on the part of the dh though was there? The only one shagging around was the OP, and then she expected the world to celebrate when she chose her dh? What’s that they call it - the pick me dance? .

Then don't make a fuss and bear in mind that the ow will be different too. You don't actually know what her version of events is - your DHs version was undoubtedly spun to make him look better.

Don't blank her, don't try and outdo her. Just grow up and be an adult about the whole thing.

roger that anti.

I'm going to head off now but thanks to each and every one. sorry for the drip-feed.

I guess we all thought we were clever but actually we were all just brats as Anti says....

I'm not someone who thinks the OW is blameless in most situations but I'm struggling to see what she did wrong in this situation? She just met a guy she liked who had no girlfriend around and got on well with his sister and family.

Sounds like you had spent the previous 18 months messing two men about and cheating on them both, but have cleverly managed to twist yourself into the victim of an unfaithful partner, manipulative OW and spiteful ILs.

I agree with TheAntiBoop.
This isn't about ow being at the wedding (Although of course I can understand that might be awkward) It sounds like you are still not facing the reality of what happened 20 years ago. The only 2 people you should be thinking about are you and your dh.
Not sure if you have become reconciled with your own behaviour but pretty sure you aren't reconciled to dh's.

Just to check once more - so your now husband knew for that 18 month period you were seeing another bloke as well as him? Or did you tell him at the point where you said 'it's all over now and I just want to be with you'?

no stitch, not right.

I think (ahem) we thought we were too young and clever for things like fidelity at the early stages.

We were - as had been said - brats.

but we aren't brats now and I will take anti's advice.

Feisty, - yes, accepted.

Buttery - correct. yes he knew.

it sort of beggars belief looking back. I guess we were pretty childish

Nope sorry OP. You were no victim. You lied, cheated, shagged around and expected the world to fall at your feet when you were ready because you had chosen.

Given your h chose to put it all behind you both and to move on with you it’s all water under the bridge now IMO but you have no right to feel agrieved at this other woman given you’d been merrily shagging about with all and sundry for eighteen months and expecting everyone to be oh so happy when you chose your h.

The only one in the wrong here was you that is all.

If you make any kind of a deal of this at the wedding you are going to make yourself look even worse than you have on this thread. The “summer from hell” as you put it was of your making. I doubt your SIL’s friend gives two hoots about your h now, and I’m sure the other bloke you were shagging has some choice words about you.....

And the fact his family couldn’t stand you was of your own making not anyone else’s. If I found out a family member’s partner had been cheating on them for the duration of their relationship I’d be praying to God that the family member walked away rather than marry someone like that.

All you got back then was no more than you deserved.

You’re married now with children and as I said it’s water under the bridge, but you have absolutely no right to claim victim status over any of this. If anyone was a victim here it was your now h. And if anyone has a right to kick off over who gets invited to the wedding it’s your SIL’ s friend who you have unfairly branded all sorts in order to justify your own awful behaviour at the time.

the one thing I didn't do was cheat chaos. I do appreciate you posting but I think you've misread.

however, you're making me think it was maybe wise to hold my tongue at the time.

So what did the OW do wrong then?

stitch- nothing.

the one thing I was entitled to be, was not to pretend to be her friend.

Sounds to me like you have build this whole thing up massively in your head, whereas to the outside observer it look like common or garden not quite committing to and exclusive (you) and not quite knowing where you stand (him) or possibly a bit of reckless disregard.

You really need to get some counselling and talk through this to a neutral third party or else it is going to quietly poison everything. I wonder if people (inc me) are struggling to understand as you are putting huge amounts of emotional emphasis on this. Way out of proportion.

in all seriousness Jeden I was, when younger, very prejudiced against/unaware of things like counselling. I'd been brought up in a house full of secrets/shame. It never occurred to me that I could just talk about it with a stranger/paid stranger.