having to meet someone my oh betrayed me with at a family wedding...

[andhardlyanywomenatall]

The person in question very cleverly befriended his then-very-unhappy-and-jealous-of-me sister as a way of staying close to my DH. It was a long time ago and said sister is now transformed and going to marry a lovely man and I am truly happy for her.

But it was a terrible betrayal, just at the point where I had allowed myself to let my guard down and love someone for the first (and only) time. It took us many many years for the scars to fade. The sister's profound unhappiness at the time meant I couldn't really stand up for myself - it would have been kicking someone when they're down.

My oh was only 23/24 at the time but he handled it very badly. He has a flaw in his otherwise lovely nature which is that he cannot bear to be the bad guy and would rather be polite than piss off someone in order to be loyal to me. like I say, the woman in question was very tactical in befriending the sister.

the person is from the place where we met and used that to the full so we "lost" those memories iyswim.

I kept this all inside after the initial awful period but it would come out in anger for years afterwards. Thankfully it faded after the children were born.

I don't know what I'm asking tbh. Does anyone understand?

my strategy will, I think, be to bury my head in the sand and hope to christ my sil does not put us on the same table as the person i would love never to have existed. It's only one day. but it's weird to feel the pain again.

my sil's view (we have only rarely discussed this) is that she is not responsible for my dh's actions and she is, of course, right. She was highly depressed at the time and so even I said that to her - she was too vulnerable iyswim. So my oh tied himself in knots...

So what's with all the stuff about her befriending SIL deliberately etc? She must be pretty dedicated to keep up the charade for 20 years.

So had you and now husband agreed to be exclusive when you went home from town where you'd met? Or was it all up in the air when he slept with local woman?

sorry stitched.

it was her initial motivation. obviously I don't enquire about the friendship nowadays and of course I appreciate that it will long ago have moved on.

I'm embarrased - I usually behave like a grownup nowadays.

buttery, exclusive.

but I still thought I was too clever for jealousy and that if it was only the bringing his family into it that I minded.

Of course I was jealous as hell but I couldn't see that then.

I understand op. Something a little similar happened to me last summer. I came unexpectedly face to face with the ow whilst at a family day out. Much as I wanted to vent my anger at her, I concentrated on having a fabulous day with my dc and did my damnedest to pretend she didn't exist.

It wasn't comfortable, but I felt more dignified than if I'd acted like a fishwife and told her how I felt.

It's hard to let things go, but seeing her might actually be good for you. She may stop holding all that power in your head.

It worked for me

Op....i mean this nicely. Move on!!!!

The fact that your dh manipulated you into keeping quiet during the 'summer of hell' (dramatic much??). He could have told his parents. He could have been honest.

You have built this up into how evil the OW. How you and dh were so helpless because of the sils depression etc. Everyone disliked you because no one knew the truth.

The fact is your boyfriend shagged someone else. He then used his sisters illness as an excuse to not tell his family, why you werent happy with her friend/ow. He then let everyone take a dislike to you, rather than be honest. He didnt (and appears to still not) take any flack or responsibility. You didnt really deal with him, again blaminh sils illness.

YOU chose to stay with him. YOU chose to not deal with the issues. YOU are choosing to believe that OW has only had a 20 year friendship to get to your dh. YOU are choosing to blame everyone else and everything else...apart from the man you later chose to marry.

You need to let this part of your life go. Its only damaging herself.

It's not unusual to behave like a dick when you're young and learning how to conduct yourself in a relationship. Most people subsequently mull over the heartache / argue out the conflicts / cringe over the embarrassing parts but ultimately move on from those people and places or put them behind you and start acting like an adult.

It doesn't sound like you, your dh, your sil or her friend were in any way unusual in this respect, with the exception of the fact that you've never done the moving on part.

There was nothing special about the situation - you were a bunch of young adults, pre-commitments to each other, pre children, doing what young people do. It's not the tangled web you make it out to be at all. I think you're painting it that way to mask your own discomfort at the less than exemplary role you played in the whole thing and to account fir your failure to process it properly since.

Acknowledge that you were all idiots and that various parties did hurtful things. None of you is blameless. However, twenty years or more have passed, you must be approaching middle age now and quite frankly this is beneath you. It's time to put to past behind you and stop letting it 'have a hold' on your life. You said you have dc now, I can scarcely understand how, with all the very real things to occupy ones thoughts that come with parenthood, how you have allowed these overblown teenage antics so much headspace all these years.

Damaging yourself

I'm really glad for you ginger. that's great.

Can I just offer a genuine apology again to anyone who posted kindly thinking that I was married/innocent wife etc the time.

"It's not unusual to behave like a dick when you're young and learning how to conduct yourself in a relationship". thank you!

"idiots"

you are right. somehow it got "stuck".

I stopped thinking about it when the kids came along, really I did.

with hindsight, I wish I'd gone to a counsellor many many years ago.

I could have enjoyed the pre-kids period more.

but at the time I didn't know such people existed.

right, I must get back to adult life and there are no new posts to acknowledge.

This has been incredibly helpful. probably more than any of you know though I think Mike has nailed it.

I'm truly grateful. I'll have to name change now dammit, as this is the most embarrassing thread ever.

Well good luck and try not to drink too much at the wedding!

Glad it's been helpful. Good luck

thanks boop, appreciated.

thanks Feisty! again, appreciated.

OK. I agree with the posters who think your husband's the one getting off lightly here. He did actually cheat then (since he knew he wasn't the only bloke you were seeing, that isn't quite the same) and politeness is no excuse for that. What bothers me is that you've said he is probably the same, while the rest of you have probably changed. Would he / does he still put being 'polite' to someone ahead of your feelings?

hi buttery, yes, that's the fly in our ointment. he didn't address it.

but I think we've all agreed that I've got my own stuff to let go of first iyswim

v. glad I started this thread.

Fwiw I don't think you need to see a counsellor now. Perhaps you're right that back then it could have helped. I'm not sure reopening all the old wounds will help at this stage. Reassure yourself that really none of you was so very different to young people everywhere, acknowledge your collective youthful idiocy and reflect on all the things (years of committed relationships, better management of emotions and mental health, prioritising of careers and children) that mark out your lives now as distinct from how they were then. You are no longer twenty year old dickheads. Enjoy the wedding, and cherish the fact that you share relationships with these people who've known you so long, have seen you behave your worst, and still love you and accept you for who you are. I'm glad this thread has helped.

I hate the “i was young” excuse when the incredibly young age is early twenties! I met my husband when he was younger, and it wouldn’t be excused by “oh you’re under 25 shag who you want love” 🙄

OK, so your updates put rather a different complexion on things. Your weren't betrayed by your husband, or by someone that you were in a committed long-term relationship with - you were with multiple partners, and one of them ( who later became your husband) played by the same rules.

I expect his family didn't like you because you were seeing other men at the same time as seeing him.

Calling it a betrayal is something of a stretch, given the circumstances. It's more that she's a former sexual partner of your husband who didn't just disappear into obscurity like most of them do.

So really he didn't cheat, there was no exclusive relationship. She was not the other woman, He simply shagged someone else, as you yourself had been doing and you were very jealous of her and still are. Twenty years later, you are still jealous and you don't even know if this woman is invited to the wedding.

Right. So what's the truth here. You thought she was much more attractive than you? You felt he liked her and would have taken it further if he could have? She said no and so he stuck with you? He was on the point of committing and met her? She meant something to him?

No way some random shag of a family friend in this context is causing this angst twenty years later. No way it caused all this "summer of hell"hurt. So there is something else that's caused you to be supremely jealous of this woman.

Is she the one who got away for him?

None of this is the OP’s fault, nor was she cheating/betraying her now DH.

She was open about dating both of them. He chose to accept that. No betrayal.

She dumped the other bloke & despite having a terrible childhood & bad experiences, she gambled and TRUSTED her now DH, they made a commitment to each other.

Then the utter fuckwit shagged Little Miss Summer. Then as a very convenient bloody excuse this could not be dealt with properly as ‘his sister was too fragile’. The OP feels the OW used her friendship with SIL to wiggle her way into his family life & to get with her now DH.

Her now DH acted like a complete arse expecting her to play nice with LMS & allowed her to be thought of badly when she wasn’t best mates with LMS.

LMS was quite possibly quite the little madam engineering her way into his life via the SIL, but that’s not unusual, at that age.

I think there are things & people that can take us straight back to a time in our lives that was awful and bring up all those horrible feelings. Especially when they’ve just been shoved under the rug & not dealt with.

Despite knowing LMS was young & whatever she did or didn’t do, it was still her now husbands decision to have sex with her, I still wouldn’t want to socialise with LMS who ALSO spent the summer of hell rubbing it in the OP’s face.

I’d call SIL tomorrow & see if she has invited LMS or not. If she hasn’t you can tell her how pleased you are and leave it at that. If she has, then simply say you & DH will have to have a discussion about whether you’ll be attending or not & that you’ll let her know ASAP.

Then you’ll have to have a think about how important it is to go to the wedding & how you’ll handle it if you do go.

Can't see what the issue is with the OW or the sister. This is entirely between you and your DH, and even then it's pretty marginal stuff. Especially after 20 years.