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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

having to meet someone my oh betrayed me with at a family wedding...

179 replies

andhardlyanywomenatall · 26/02/2018 15:07

The person in question very cleverly befriended his then-very-unhappy-and-jealous-of-me sister as a way of staying close to my DH. It was a long time ago and said sister is now transformed and going to marry a lovely man and I am truly happy for her.

But it was a terrible betrayal, just at the point where I had allowed myself to let my guard down and love someone for the first (and only) time. It took us many many years for the scars to fade. The sister's profound unhappiness at the time meant I couldn't really stand up for myself - it would have been kicking someone when they're down.

My oh was only 23/24 at the time but he handled it very badly. He has a flaw in his otherwise lovely nature which is that he cannot bear to be the bad guy and would rather be polite than piss off someone in order to be loyal to me. like I say, the woman in question was very tactical in befriending the sister.

the person is from the place where we met and used that to the full so we "lost" those memories iyswim.

I kept this all inside after the initial awful period but it would come out in anger for years afterwards. Thankfully it faded after the children were born.

I don't know what I'm asking tbh. Does anyone understand?

my strategy will, I think, be to bury my head in the sand and hope to christ my sil does not put us on the same table as the person i would love never to have existed. It's only one day. but it's weird to feel the pain again.

my sil's view (we have only rarely discussed this) is that she is not responsible for my dh's actions and she is, of course, right. She was highly depressed at the time and so even I said that to her - she was too vulnerable iyswim. So my oh tied himself in knots...

OP posts:
Alienspaceship · 26/02/2018 16:07

Does not first

Antigonads · 26/02/2018 16:09

Well I thought he had been unfaithful at a wedding.

You really need to let it go.

Olicity17 · 26/02/2018 16:11

He has a flaw in his otherwise lovely nature which is that he cannot bear to be the bad guy and would rather be polite than piss off someone in order to be loyal to me

Are you saying your dh slept with a woman to be polite. Rather than be faithful to you?

Tbh, i do think you amger is misplaced. If this woman befriended your sil just to gey to your husband....why has the friendship lasted 20 years?

I think you are twisting what happened into it all being the OW fault to take the focus off dh. You have cast the OW into some maneating beast that manipulated everyone. And your poor dh was just too polite to shut her down.

You should not have to sit with her at the wedding. But maybe you could move past this if you realised the person you are angry at is dh and then finally deal with that.

Thebluedog · 26/02/2018 16:12

It was a long long time ago, as others have said just let it go.

If you need to simply ask your dh to ask his sister to ensure you’re not sat at the next table.

If you bump into the woman simply keep your head high, exchange pleasantries and move on

Thebluedog · 26/02/2018 16:12

Same not next

BadTasteFlump · 26/02/2018 16:13

And btw, if the sister is now 'transformed' then surely she'll understand that you would find being at a wedding with a woman your husband cheated on you with, really quite shit?

Original poster
andhardlyanywomenatall · 26/02/2018 16:14

sorry for confusion

timeline!

me and dh meet abroad
I leave
sil decides to go to same place
dh tells sil he will intro her to nice local family
dh sleeps with girl from nice local family (henceforth ow)
sil stays there and only friend is ow who is now writing to dh about why she is really doing it
dh tells me ow is coming to stay with sil in his home country all summer
I find out about sleeping with her
hellish summer. sil is furious with me for not being nice to her friend. I can't bring myself to tell her why. the whole family hate me (this took years and years to get over...)

anger/indecision do I stay or do I not stay with him etc. tears all round. can't get to the point where I feel he really undertands what he's done.

gradual fading

happier

happy

finally start going back to visit the place where we met together

kids

sil now happy and much nicer. Yeah!

sil wedding brings it all back.

OP posts:
SleepFreeZone · 26/02/2018 16:14

Let’s just hope she’s aged really badly 🤭

BadTasteFlump · 26/02/2018 16:15

Are you saying your dh slept with a woman to be polite. Rather than be faithful to you?

I took it to mean that the DH doesn't want to speak to his sister about it now and potentially piss her off.

SleepFreeZone · 26/02/2018 16:16

Btw does SIL actually know she slept with your DH when he was DP? I can’t see that in your timeline

Original poster
andhardlyanywomenatall · 26/02/2018 16:17

"And btw, if the sister is now 'transformed' then surely she'll understand that you would find being at a wedding with a woman your husband cheated on you with, really quite shit?"

that's a good point. she had never had a relationship and resented people who did. (sorry, sounds awful but depression can do that to people I think)

but now she is on solid ground and very happy and might understand.

OP posts:
BadTasteFlump · 26/02/2018 16:19

So Op when you say you left, do you mean you just left the country for a while but were in a relationship with him by that point? Just trying to work out if he did actually cheat or not!

But either way, you shouldn't be expected to be happy to be around this woman. And if DH can't understand and support you on that, it's a problem imo.

Original poster
andhardlyanywomenatall · 26/02/2018 16:19

blast - have to take ds somewhere - back to cliarify more in 1 hr!

this is really helping, btw.

I had to tell sil the bare bones of it at the end of the summer of hell because ow attempted to hug me and I stepped back..... it was all a bit obvious. poor sil was very upset and her self-esteem was at rock bottom so I ended up just comforing her, reassuring her that ow was a good friend to her, etc,etc.

there was no room to be angry at dh. everything was about trying to help unhappy sil. so the anger was suppressed and would then burst out.

OP posts:
SomeKnobend · 26/02/2018 16:21

There's no fucking way dh or I would go to the wedding and I'd tell SIL why. She's perfectly within her rights to have this woman there, but she'd have to accept that you and dh have the right to decline the invitation.

Olicity17 · 26/02/2018 16:23

there was no room to be angry at dh. everything was about trying to help unhappy sil. so the anger was suppressed and would then burst out

But there has been room to be angry at OW for 20 years. Ever since it started.

Your dh didnt sleep with her because he was too polite. He slept with her brcause he wanted to.

I am sorry to be harsh. But aiming anfer at the OW has noy helped you move past it in 20 years. You need to really work out why. I suspect its you are misdirecting your anger.

G5000 · 26/02/2018 16:26

Your DH was the one betraying you. Considering you could forgive him, you should also be able to get past the fact a weddin guest has slept with your now DH 20 years ago. Let it go.

Helpimfalling · 26/02/2018 16:26

Really sorry but I may be being rather thick but this reads to me like a cryptic riddle it's really hard to understand how you wrote it out unless your dancing around the facts because it's still to painful for you to put into words?

OhCalamity · 26/02/2018 16:27

This is like a soap where nobody communicates and a big drama ensues over misconceptions.

Sil is friends with someone her brother shagged behind your back but you never told her that her friend was an OW so when she invited her home you were awful to the woman but still nobody says anything and the whole family falls out with you rather than your DP admitting his cheating and why you might have a problem with OW coming to visit you all... sheesh!

Does SIL know now that her brother shagged her friend behind your back?

Two approaches: "Sil, at your wedding can you make sure OW is seated as far away as possible from us - your DB shagged her that summer in 1998, thanks"
or
"Sil, at your wedding can you make sure OW is seated as far away as possible from us - remember your DB shagged her that summer in 1998, thanks"

Helpimfalling · 26/02/2018 16:27

Oh okay I saw the update and understand a little more now

BadTasteFlump · 26/02/2018 16:28

I think actually it's as simple as this - decide what's acceptable for you - you all being at the wedding but not engaging with her at all; you not being at the same wedding as you under any circumstances, or whatever. They are your boundaries and your choice, nobody else's.

Then tell DH you expect him to get on board with you to make it work the way you have decided you feel comfortable with. Hopefully he'll realise it's for him to step up and sort out with his sister. You shouldn't really have to talk to her about it, he should I think. Remember you didn't create the problem.

BadTasteFlump · 26/02/2018 16:29

Being at the same wedding as her obvs.... Hmm

blackberryfairy · 26/02/2018 16:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 26/02/2018 16:31

I have no idea at all what you are talking about

SandyY2K · 26/02/2018 16:31

I personally wouldn't go if the OW was going to be there. I wouldn't be able to relax and enjoy it.

Dozer · 26/02/2018 16:32

SIL’s MH issue 20 years ago and OW are by the by: OW was single, your then bf was not. He is the one who cheated. It was not to be polite!

You say you trust that he’s been faithful ever since. As a PP says, your H can just ask his sister if former OW is invited and if she is then to seat you both far away from her, lest his past cheating upset you. He can easily avoid OW at the event.

Being 23 is no excuse at all for cheating on someone. Or had you broken up?