been together 3 years not proposed

[user1486305061]

Hi, I posted on here just over a year ago. We had a child who's (14 months soon) I posted a few months after he was born saying my partner won't marry me he doesn't see the point waste of money etc, whilst i'm traditional and do want to marry. I was born in the 80s so I'm entitled to still feel like marriage is important to me it was a big part of my time growing up as a child, Family security and honesty is important to me. I realise things are different now times have changed but as I wasn't born or growing up in today's times surely i'm entitled to keep my beliefs? what is so wrong with wanting what you've always wanted? he's a bit older than me, I've returned to work and make good money. But i'm still feeling a loss that the marriage thing will never happen. All I understand is that after saying "well marry if you want to" a year has passed and it's still never happened, it's never come in in conversation it did yesterday by me but again it hasn't been able to be discussed without an argument. Am I being silly thinking things will change or should I realise after making my feelings clear that another year has gone by and he's no further towards it? any help would be appreciated. My previous post from a year ago is copied below:

previous post:
i this is the first time i've posted on here and not really sure how to get my feelings across but hope someone may have some advice.

i was with my partner of over a year when we found out i was pregnant. I was completely over joyed and although my partner thought it was too soon we were already living together and said we loved each other and talked about everything so I thought although it's soon it's not like it would have happened eventually. He said he would be there and we'd move forward together as a family ect. However he had a hard time coming to terms with it and whilst i was pregnant every time something exciting happened - i got heartburn, he kicked for the first time or we went for a 3D scan i felt like i just couldn't share that as he (my partner) was still on a downer. so all these excited and wonderful emoutions i had i quickly learned to shut down and turn them off quickly. Fast forward to after the birth and i now feel the same even though my partner is a fantastic dad i feel quick to stop the emoution and feel unable to plan ahead e.g. christening and family holidays because he never wanted it. which he's said many times throughout pregnancy. Another thing which came up is marriage - whilst i'm from a traditional family and have always loved the romantic idea of meeting someone falling in love and getting married - he sees all the negatives:
the money and societal pressures ect. we don't need a to get married to show we're committed ect. But i now feel a little bit lost like i'm in a relationship with a child but it's not going anywhere and why because of money? i don't think money is a good enough excuse for me. and all this relationship worry it's getting on my nerves when i should just be focusing on our gorgeous baby not getting upset but i feel a bit like we have this family built on absououtely no foundation, i should mention here i live in his house and although i do have a well paid job i'm currently on maternity so i'm feeling very beholdednt to him and his wishes for the future. I just can't seem to accept the fact that i'm never going to have an engagement story to tell or wear a ring or even a wedding ring i'll never be able to run home to my mum and tell her all the amazing details of the proposal. it just feels a bit like i've settled and given up on a dream. i do love him and shouldn't that be enough? but then if he loved me he'd do anything to keep me? it's so confusing - i've been lied to in relationships in the past and i just don't want to hang around for something that's never gunna happen. I am independent and can drive and everything else and whilst i realise you don't need a man to be complete it's more about common goals for me like i thought we would be moving forwards towards someday getting married anyway but we just happened to get pregnant first. after a lot of arguing he said "well i've conceded to you if you wanna do it and the time is right and we're still together i'll do it." But again i don't want someone to do something just because i want it, i want to work towards a future that we both want together. i didn't exactly have a straight forward birth and this is my first so i know my emoutions will be all over the place now but any advice would be appreciated. many thanks

Forget the big proposal thing. Why dont you ask him?

Getting married mattered to me and not to my then DBf. So I asked him. We have now been married over 25 years. Marriage has grown on him. Beforehand he wasnt fussed but his thinking changed over time.

If he says no then you know where you stand.

Doesn’t sound like he wants to get married. But you do. Breaking up because you want different things in your life is perfectly legitimate.

Answer this... do you think you would still be with this man if the you hadn’t have gotten pregnant?

Answer that ONLY after you have thought about what he was like when you were pregnant, how he is when you are ill? How he is with his child and how he communicates.

I maybe wrong and missed it, but do you want to marry THIS man. Or do you feel you should marry because you have a child? Would you have chosen someone else if circumstances allowed?

I suspect you're going to get the same advice you got last time.

He doesn't want to marry you. There's no point saying he should want to marry you: he doesn't want to. That's the sum of it.

So what are you going to do if he doesn't want to marry you? Are you going to hang around another year not accepting he doesn't want to marry you, feeling hurt and devastated and rejected. Or you can accept he doesn't want to marry you and go from there.

The traditional order is engagement, marriage, sex, living together and then babies. I don't understand people who muddle up the order then want to get married 'for tradition'. He has everything he wants he doesn't need to get married.

He doesn't want to get married. If you do, then find a man who does.

He has told you that he doesnt want to get married. You need to decide if its a deal breaker.

I dont really get, what being born in the 80s has to do with it, to be honest.

It’s fine for you to want to get married but he doesn’t have to want to marry you. It’s up to you to decide whether you want to stay.

You say you’re traditional but had a baby before marriage?

All you can do is talk to him, ask him if he wants marriage and if he says yes you can arrange it, if no you can decide if that’s a deal breaker for you. I doubt you’ll change his mind.

You had a baby before marriage. I'm afraid you cannot call yourself traditional.

Bit like kanial where is the incentive to marry for him? Traditionally marriage comes before kids and that order has already been reversed, if the former happens at all.

He is well within his rights not to get married if he doesn't want to. You need to figure out if it's a dealbreaker or not for you.

my friend wouldn't live with a man until he had proposed - that's traditional. Having a baby before you are married isn't. Didn't you think this through?

Does he not want to marry or does he not want a wedding?

My friends dh really didn’t want a wedding (she thought he didn’t want to marry), so they buggered off to Gretna Green, got married and left it there. No big party or celebration. The end result is the same.

I also ask you the same question. Is it the wedding/engagement/ring/dress/celebration you want? Or the marriage? I think you are getting the two mixed up. You don’t have to do both

It seems you're running faster In this relationship than he is and doing all the pushing. He was clear he didn't want a child, whilst you were overjoyed, so pushed ahead . Now you want marriage, you know he doesn't, and you're pushing him again.

This really isn't how relationships should work. You shouldn't find someone then decide that's it it's them and you will drag them along with you whether they like it or not. Things should happen at a joint pace with joint decisions.

He doesn't want to get married, leave it there. If he changes his mind he will let you know, but you need to stop pushing and dragging this man into things he doesn't want because it's what you want.

I am afraid that like other posters, I don't understand why people come on here wanting a 'traditional ' proposal, wedding etc when they haven't done things traditionally up to that point. Or why proposals have to come from the male partner.
TBH, it sounds as though your partner never really wanted marriage and children - his reactions during your pregnancy are quite clear to me.
Being married isn't about the proposal or the engagement ring - I (and many others) had neither. What I did and do have, is a partnership when we share common ideals and goals and work together to achieve them. When things don't go according to our plans, we work together and support each other. We decided together to get married, we didn't 'get engaged with all the usual fripperies. Our marriage is our marriage - in some ways, fairly traditional but in others definitely not, especially in a marriage nearing its 40th anniversary.
If you are so desperate for marriage (and I do understand that, especially with a child), then you need to be clear a out that. But you also need to be clear about what happens if he refuses - do you leave and get on with your life, hoping that you'll meet someone else? Or will you stay and show him he is in control? And you have to be sure you have the strength to see it through.

You need to consider if its the marriage you want or the wedding

Because after the wedding that's that back to the way things are normally

I'd ask him tbh if you really want to - it's not about wanting to be proposed to its about wanting that special bond and security in a more formal way forever

Ps. I don't think having a baby before you are married is in any way making a difference and congratulations on your little one

i'm never going to have an engagement story to tell or wear a ring or even a wedding ring i'll never be able to run home to my mum and tell her all the amazing details of the proposal

I have been married - happily for the most part - for 17 years and had none of these things.

Sorry Op but you sound a bit immature. You were already living together after less than a year together. You then had an unplanned baby, that you partner didn't want. You can hardly play the "tradition" card. Having a Facebook worthy engagement is not a reason for getting married.

That all said, reading your original post I think your DP thought the domestic thing happened too soon and he is not fully committed to your relationship. He is still deciding if your relationship is for keeps, hence no wedding.

I'd like to get married, my DP doesn't want to. I never used to but have changed my mind, he hasn't. Been together 13.5 years and very happy. Just a stale mate between us

Was baby really unplanned OP or were you hurrying things along? A new baby is a strain on most relationships. I'm not surprised your DP is feeling caught in a whirlwind with various demands from you. It all seems to be what you want with no consideration for him.

Me and my now husband were together 19 years before he proposed in our kitchen. I wanted it more than he did but now he loves calling me Mrs Jones! Sometimes you have to wait for things to be right.

What has getting married in the 80s got to do with anything?
You’re entitled to think marriage is important he is entitled to think it isn’t.
You’re not traditional though you got pregnant pretty soon into a relationship a year is nothing really (I also had a baby out of wedlock) I’m aware accidents happen but it’s not traditional.

You need to decide if you need/want to be married and not just proposed to, you only seem arsed about the proposal which is so childish.

I mean what has being born in the 80s got to do with anything? Don’t know how i messed that up so bad

"Surely i'm entitled to keep my beliefs? what is so wrong with wanting what you've always wanted?"

Nothing. But he is entitled not to want to get married, too. If he said he wanted to get engaged then put it off, I would have more sympathy but he has basically had it written in giant letters across his forehead all this time. He does not want to marry you. I am willing to bet he didn't necessarily see this as forever before you got pregnant.

I think you need to pick, this man or a marriage. You can't have both. Do you really want to walk up the aisle knowing he doesn't want to be there and doesn't mean his vows?

Also not getting the 80s thing. People born in the late 80s are still in their 20s!

thanks everyone some helpful stuff and some rude I guess. But I did ask for advice and everone has they're own opinion. I think when someone is saying i love you and want a future with you then you believe it. I said I didn't want to move in together before engaged but i did because he wanted to, I agreed to save money up for a house before getting engaged because he wanted to. But yeh it's not the traditional way i wanted to do things but because i loved him I compromised I just don't think I can compromise again

being born in the 80s is a response to him saying people nowadays don't get married. but like I say i'm not exactly been born or brought up to adulthood in nowadays so I feel the way I did then.

in my previous post you'll see I said i'm happy for a small wedding. I make a lot of money and don't need his financial security that way but yes it would be nice to have a joint account, Have the same name as my child. legal security, joint savings for our child, discuss schools ahead of time. The normal reasons.
I don't think Mumsnet is the place for me when feeling hurt then having everything thrown at you at once is a bit overwhelming