been together 3 years not proposed

[user1486305061]

Hi, I posted on here just over a year ago. We had a child who's (14 months soon) I posted a few months after he was born saying my partner won't marry me he doesn't see the point waste of money etc, whilst i'm traditional and do want to marry. I was born in the 80s so I'm entitled to still feel like marriage is important to me it was a big part of my time growing up as a child, Family security and honesty is important to me. I realise things are different now times have changed but as I wasn't born or growing up in today's times surely i'm entitled to keep my beliefs? what is so wrong with wanting what you've always wanted? he's a bit older than me, I've returned to work and make good money. But i'm still feeling a loss that the marriage thing will never happen. All I understand is that after saying "well marry if you want to" a year has passed and it's still never happened, it's never come in in conversation it did yesterday by me but again it hasn't been able to be discussed without an argument. Am I being silly thinking things will change or should I realise after making my feelings clear that another year has gone by and he's no further towards it? any help would be appreciated. My previous post from a year ago is copied below:

previous post:
i this is the first time i've posted on here and not really sure how to get my feelings across but hope someone may have some advice.

i was with my partner of over a year when we found out i was pregnant. I was completely over joyed and although my partner thought it was too soon we were already living together and said we loved each other and talked about everything so I thought although it's soon it's not like it would have happened eventually. He said he would be there and we'd move forward together as a family ect. However he had a hard time coming to terms with it and whilst i was pregnant every time something exciting happened - i got heartburn, he kicked for the first time or we went for a 3D scan i felt like i just couldn't share that as he (my partner) was still on a downer. so all these excited and wonderful emoutions i had i quickly learned to shut down and turn them off quickly. Fast forward to after the birth and i now feel the same even though my partner is a fantastic dad i feel quick to stop the emoution and feel unable to plan ahead e.g. christening and family holidays because he never wanted it. which he's said many times throughout pregnancy. Another thing which came up is marriage - whilst i'm from a traditional family and have always loved the romantic idea of meeting someone falling in love and getting married - he sees all the negatives:
the money and societal pressures ect. we don't need a to get married to show we're committed ect. But i now feel a little bit lost like i'm in a relationship with a child but it's not going anywhere and why because of money? i don't think money is a good enough excuse for me. and all this relationship worry it's getting on my nerves when i should just be focusing on our gorgeous baby not getting upset but i feel a bit like we have this family built on absououtely no foundation, i should mention here i live in his house and although i do have a well paid job i'm currently on maternity so i'm feeling very beholdednt to him and his wishes for the future. I just can't seem to accept the fact that i'm never going to have an engagement story to tell or wear a ring or even a wedding ring i'll never be able to run home to my mum and tell her all the amazing details of the proposal. it just feels a bit like i've settled and given up on a dream. i do love him and shouldn't that be enough? but then if he loved me he'd do anything to keep me? it's so confusing - i've been lied to in relationships in the past and i just don't want to hang around for something that's never gunna happen. I am independent and can drive and everything else and whilst i realise you don't need a man to be complete it's more about common goals for me like i thought we would be moving forwards towards someday getting married anyway but we just happened to get pregnant first. after a lot of arguing he said "well i've conceded to you if you wanna do it and the time is right and we're still together i'll do it." But again i don't want someone to do something just because i want it, i want to work towards a future that we both want together. i didn't exactly have a straight forward birth and this is my first so i know my emoutions will be all over the place now but any advice would be appreciated. many thanks

I agree with what other posters have said your partner doesn't want to get married. I was with my partner for 12 years and it never happened for us either. To be honest it seemed to bother other people in our lives more than us that he never asked me. We split recently ( not because of the marriage thing) It never bothered me ( i'd been married before and had children in that marriage). No children with my 12 year partner. Seems to me your partner wasn't keen on having a child either. You need to decide if the marriage thing is a deal breaker for you because honestly i don't think it's going to happen with the father of your child as he's already said he's not interested in marrying you. Sorry to be harsh but deal with it and accept it or move on in life without him and find someone who marriage would be an option.

My ex didn’t want to get married. We were engaged for 5 years and limped along. When we split up, he was married like a flash to somebody else and quickly had kids. He doesn’t want to marry you. I’m sorry to be blunt but he doesn’t want it. He didn’t want kids either. You’ve bullied him into these things. Don’t be me and waste 5 years of your life on somebody who would marry somebody else but not you. Find somebody who wants the same things in life as you.

thanks to harriett smith. He's amazing.

in response to others I don't use facebook.

thanks chickenmom I guess hats what my concern has been but because i'm "trusting what he's saying" it will happen one day. I don't want to be naive and wait for the one day that will never come. you're right though I don't wanna wait 5 years like that/ Can i ask you what he said when you said you wanted to get married?

I was born at the very end of the 50s and grew up in an era when Womens Liberation and the counter-culture meant there were a lot of questions about the extent to which traditional marriage benefited women.

It seems me that there has been more and more of a trend towards marriage in recent decades. The marriage may not be especially traditional in some ways, but there is a huge investment in certain trappings on a scale that few people in earlier generations could afford. Hen and stag parties, hiring expensive venues etc.

When my partner and I got married it was a few years after the birth of our child. He got me to propose to him by means of heavy hints - it was Feb 29. He was keen to get any arrangements about property etc sorted in the event of one of us being run over by a bus. Marriage is perhaps one of the easiest ways in which to deal with these practicalities. '

you say i bullied him but he put pressure on me to move in and commit to a house without real commitment we love our child

OP, saying Mumsnet is not the place for you because the majority of people have given the same sensible reply is very disingenuous.

You sound obsessed about weddings. Your partner (who clearly doesn’t want to get married) has an equally valid opinion as you do.

Why don’t you take a step back & enjoy the here & now and what you have rather than trying to rush him into your vision of the future. 3 years is really no time at all.

exactly harriet. but it seems whenever a girl nowadays asks about marriage she gets slammed with oh you just want a big white wedding. which is completely judgemental and wrong. My father died a long time ago so running home to my mum to be able to tell her about my engagement is like something special between our family not really explainable on here. But there will be no one to give me away anyway- so it won't be that sort of wedding

Sorry OP. It's been 3 years. If he was going to propose he'd have done it by now.
He is future faking and wasting your years which you have the best chance of meeting a real partner who can give you what you want.
He has no need to marry you now. He has you where he wants you. Living together with a child. There is no need to marry.
He obviously doesn't respect your desire for your child to have two parents who are committed to each other, and a decision which protects you in the case of lost earnings and future security for you and your child.
You aren't immature at all. All the bah humbug posters about saying you don't need a proposal. No you don't. But it would be bloody nice to have that show of love. I totally get it. There are some real miseries on here.
He won't marry you. You should have waited until he said if he would one way or not before moving in and having a child. But that is done now. You need to either settle for the fact you will never marry this man, or move on on your own and find someone else. And you will, even if you don't believe it now. Find someone who cares enough about your needs to do what's important to you xx

I'm sorry. If you wanted a romantic story you should have picked a different guy.

Just propose to him. Then at least you will know if he wants to get married!

And talk is empty, without action. Look at what he does, instead of listening to what he says.

Op people are saying you only seem interested in the wedding, because of what you wrote. Not because you want to be married.

God on MN women aren't allowed to want someone to want them to celebrate. You are stupid on here for wanting a birthday or a white wedding. Why?
If the reason is feminism, then those posters in relationships which are not lesbian are picking and choosing which bits they agree with, as it could be argued that none of them are feminist if they are sleeping with and having a relationship with a man. Sex is the very basic form of control which men have over women. So if you're doing that, but don't want marriage or to be loved through action, then don't bloody criticise the OP for being honest enough to want that.
Romanticism is fed to women through films, shops-see valentines day spending: women expected to wear uncomfortable underwear in exchange for men buying them teddies.
It isn't unreasonable that OP has bought into that at all. So look at your own situations before criticising others. As it could be argued that the women whose husbands/partners didn't want to have big celebrations, have convinced themselves that they didn't want it either, because they knew they wouldn't.
Don't fall into that trap. Either stay or leave but you will not be getting a proposal from this guy.

''He likes you enough to live with you, probably that's convenient for him his own convenience, he likes you enough to sleep with you, but he doesn't respect you enough to step away from you when he can't offer you what you deserve.

You don't need to do anything to win his approval. You just need to get turned off.

when a guy wants all of the convenience of relationship but isn't willing to take on any responsibility, GET TURNED OFF

It's perfectly OK to have your own plan. You do not have to fit in around somebody else's. Living with this man and being in that perpetual state of trying to earn his approval has no doubt damaged your self-worth

I would like to BE married. Bit not GET married iyswim. What a palava!

Been with dp 25 years and we have been through he'll and high water together. I would have liked to get married but he really didn't want to. Scared it would change things also I'm Catholic and he is atheist. For me it's church wedding or nothing as I could not stand there and marry someone who a- didn't believe in religion OR marriage. So it never happened.

25 years later and honestly? For the best - we are soul mates and nothing would change that. We've been through a lot and if that didn't break us well I guess we're stuck with each other now

*Today 09:02 starlightafar

Sorry OP. It's been 3 years. If he was going to propose he'd have done it by now*

Not always the case though is it...

it would be nice to have a joint account, Have the same name as my child

Whaaaaat??! You gave your child his surname? Why??! You really have made it very easy for him to have to everything he wants and ignore the bit he doesn't

There’s nothing wrong in wanting a big white wedding and a big proposal. You are entitled to want what you want. Don’t apologise for that. Don’t compromise that either if doing so makes you unhappy. Be true to yourself. My ex did the same as your partner. Encouraged us living together and buying a house. He couldn’t have afforded the house we had on his own. My wages were high so I ended up getting “trapped” into a house/mortgage that I didn’t really want not truly but he wanted the house so I agreed, without the benefit of marriage and no joint accounts. Lots of rhetoric about marriage being pointless and means nothing these days...I have a feeling that your partner enjoys the benefit of a high standard of living due to your high wage. Would he be able to afford your house without you? My ex was married and expecting kids within a year of us splitting so it wasn’t that he didn’t want to get married, he didn’t want to marry me. It’s best to not waste more of your life on somebody who isn’t being true to you or himself. It’s obvioysky making you unhappy as you are on here posting. Take charge of your life and go for what you want. That probably doesn’t match what he wants. Not with you anyway x

People do get married nowadays and for good reason - simplest way of achieving legal and financial protections between you as well as the romance aspects . If you make more money than he does, and have protected your financial investment in your home together, then he'd actually be making a wise decision to marry you. (I hope you have protected your investment).

You have to decide if marriage is a dealbreaker for you. You can wait and see if he ever changes his mind, and accept the strong possibility he never will. Or if it's a dealbreaker, tell him so and make plans to split.

Of course you are entitled to keep your beliefs, but he is also entitled to his. One persons want, doesn't trump another's. Especially on the big things.

My DF loves the idea of marriage, despite already being married once. But I'm not fussed. We're doing it because he wants it, and I want to e with him. A bit of paper is neither here nor there to me.

If it's a compatibility issue that's causing yearly strain I'd consider getting out.

thanks starlightafar. I think that's partly what's bothering me. We need to bring assets together and think about our baby's future as much as ours.

To be honest plenty of couples don't stay together after a baby so he could have left at any point as could I. But we're good parents together and separately. we love each other and our child so i'm left thinking it's silly not to get married.

but i appreciate you cant force anyone or change anyone's mind it's a catch 22. He says if you loved me you'd not have to get married and i say if you loved me you would so it dosnt really go anywhere. I guess one person has to compromise to make it work

The house is in joint names right..?

Jesus wept! What do you make a lot of money doing?

You're not 'traditional' and being born in the 80s doesn't give you entitlement to much besides perhaps a good working knowledge of pop culture.

He doesn't want to marry you. You can either carry on as you are or split.

OK, very harsh statement ahead, so stop reading here if feeling sensitive:
I would very much assume that it's not that he doesn't want to marry. He just doesn't want to marry you.

You will find another man who wants you as much as you want him. Look elsewhere.

He doesn't want to get married because he has calculated the benefits of not being married. If he wanted it he would have done it already. How is your in-laws OP? How do they treat you?