been together 3 years not proposed

[user1486305061]

Hi, I posted on here just over a year ago. We had a child who's (14 months soon) I posted a few months after he was born saying my partner won't marry me he doesn't see the point waste of money etc, whilst i'm traditional and do want to marry. I was born in the 80s so I'm entitled to still feel like marriage is important to me it was a big part of my time growing up as a child, Family security and honesty is important to me. I realise things are different now times have changed but as I wasn't born or growing up in today's times surely i'm entitled to keep my beliefs? what is so wrong with wanting what you've always wanted? he's a bit older than me, I've returned to work and make good money. But i'm still feeling a loss that the marriage thing will never happen. All I understand is that after saying "well marry if you want to" a year has passed and it's still never happened, it's never come in in conversation it did yesterday by me but again it hasn't been able to be discussed without an argument. Am I being silly thinking things will change or should I realise after making my feelings clear that another year has gone by and he's no further towards it? any help would be appreciated. My previous post from a year ago is copied below:

previous post:
i this is the first time i've posted on here and not really sure how to get my feelings across but hope someone may have some advice.

i was with my partner of over a year when we found out i was pregnant. I was completely over joyed and although my partner thought it was too soon we were already living together and said we loved each other and talked about everything so I thought although it's soon it's not like it would have happened eventually. He said he would be there and we'd move forward together as a family ect. However he had a hard time coming to terms with it and whilst i was pregnant every time something exciting happened - i got heartburn, he kicked for the first time or we went for a 3D scan i felt like i just couldn't share that as he (my partner) was still on a downer. so all these excited and wonderful emoutions i had i quickly learned to shut down and turn them off quickly. Fast forward to after the birth and i now feel the same even though my partner is a fantastic dad i feel quick to stop the emoution and feel unable to plan ahead e.g. christening and family holidays because he never wanted it. which he's said many times throughout pregnancy. Another thing which came up is marriage - whilst i'm from a traditional family and have always loved the romantic idea of meeting someone falling in love and getting married - he sees all the negatives:
the money and societal pressures ect. we don't need a to get married to show we're committed ect. But i now feel a little bit lost like i'm in a relationship with a child but it's not going anywhere and why because of money? i don't think money is a good enough excuse for me. and all this relationship worry it's getting on my nerves when i should just be focusing on our gorgeous baby not getting upset but i feel a bit like we have this family built on absououtely no foundation, i should mention here i live in his house and although i do have a well paid job i'm currently on maternity so i'm feeling very beholdednt to him and his wishes for the future. I just can't seem to accept the fact that i'm never going to have an engagement story to tell or wear a ring or even a wedding ring i'll never be able to run home to my mum and tell her all the amazing details of the proposal. it just feels a bit like i've settled and given up on a dream. i do love him and shouldn't that be enough? but then if he loved me he'd do anything to keep me? it's so confusing - i've been lied to in relationships in the past and i just don't want to hang around for something that's never gunna happen. I am independent and can drive and everything else and whilst i realise you don't need a man to be complete it's more about common goals for me like i thought we would be moving forwards towards someday getting married anyway but we just happened to get pregnant first. after a lot of arguing he said "well i've conceded to you if you wanna do it and the time is right and we're still together i'll do it." But again i don't want someone to do something just because i want it, i want to work towards a future that we both want together. i didn't exactly have a straight forward birth and this is my first so i know my emoutions will be all over the place now but any advice would be appreciated. many thanks

OP - why did you let him give your dc his name when he won't give it to you?

When a man has his own house and then has a partner and a child there is no incentive financially for him to marry and there are disadvantages. Best thing is to marry before you have children. Personally I think it's even worse when men agree to get engaged with no intention of marrying any time in the future. That's quite deceitful IMHO. You need to decide if marriage is important enough to leave him if he refuses.

'Personally I think it's even worse when men agree to get engaged with no intention of marrying any time in the future.'

Oh, yeah, the nebulous engagement. I know several couples who were engaged for years, one over a decade, before they split up.

again he wanted our child to have his name and went on about it and i wanted to do the right thing for our son i felt like i'd put my feelings aside about marriage and do what's best for the family eg him having his dads name - mostly again though that was me compromising. As he lead me to believe that if our baby had my name when we get married we'll have to change the baby's name too. So again I believed it was on the horizon. I'm simply questioning it all again now because like indy another year has passed.

for people asking. he earns a good wage and can take care of us all if he had to.

As do I - I just earn more which i only mention because people are always asking if you want to married to "get half" which is a ridiculous statement so I simply wanted to mention that I don't need half.

It's bollocks that people 'don't get married nowadays'.
Also 'If you loved me you wouldn't need to get married' WTF!
I don't think so!
I'm sorry for you OP. You deserve everything you want and it sounds like you have been doing all the compromising and he has been getting everything he wants.
Believe in yourself OP.
You may have to rethink your relationship as you can't force him to marry you and you deserve to be with someone who wants to marry you. Yes it can be expensive but it doesn't sound like you would struggle financially.

'for people asking. he earns a good wage and can take care of us all if he had to.'

But why would he? Or have to? You said you earn lots of money. So is your thinking you should marry and then jack in work and stay at home? You're really parking up the wrong tree with this guy.

I make money as a financial adviser. Additionally I have my own business and I am studying a masters degre so all this attack on me being silly or immature is misplaced. I have emotions and feel confused.

we are saving for a bigger house but i now feel a bit reluctant signing another big legal mortgage document if he isn't willing to sign a legal marriage document.

Dont move house until this is resolved either way

I’m sorry OP but you are giving him far too much. What is his incentive to marry you?

I do think you have a sentimental view of The Proposal and marriage. If you want it to be romantic could you book a lovely surprise weekend away somewhere and propose yourself? You run the risk of course of him saying no, but feeling as you do this is just going to fester. Better rip off the Bandaid, as they say.

Good luck

Sorry Op. I'm also in the same situation and posted here under a different username to ask for advice about a year ago. It's difficult when your partner is saying all the right things and that he really wants a future, but then never actually wants to move forward.

I proposed to my dp myself in the end (he said he thought I was joking). Then he did actually propose about 9 months ago but still no ring and any mention of wedding seems to have gone cold now. It's already been a few years and I'm starting to think its time to cut my losses and walk away unfortunately. Being with my dp means living in a town I don't really want to live in and having a long and expensive commute to work.

My own situation makes me feel so unsettled as I don't know whether to invest energy in building a life in this town. I also feel exhausted by the emotional rollercoaster of promises and broken promises (marriage, baby, buying a house etc).

I too would have jumped at the chance to have a baby but should probably be grateful that it's now easier to walk away without one. I'm really sorry you're in this situation Op. Remember you're still young though, so there's still lots of time to meet someone who wants everything that you do.

'I make money as a financial adviser. Additionally I have my own business and I am studying a masters degre so all this attack on me being silly or immature is misplaced. I have emotions and feel confused. '

No one is. Just trying to understand what you actually want because it seems you want not just to be married, but a proposal, a wedding, to be a stay at home mum, a bigger house, etc.

no again that's another judgemental mis conception.
I don't want to just stay at home. As already said I don't just stay at home. But for mothers that do want too I completely support that.

Also, there's a very real risk that if he DID propose it will probably be because he felt pushed into it and not because he wants to. How would you feel then?

If it's massively important to you to be married then leave and find someone who will. Or accept he doesn't want to and probably never will.

What are you doing with your salary op? Hopefully you are investing in a property of your own and not just facilitating him being able to pay his own mortgage. There will be nothing for you in a few years time when he decides to move on to someone else. You should move out and be self-sufficient. If the relationship is meant to be it can still continue and he can pay child support etc, I think it's too easy for him at the moment and not costing him anything. He doesn't want to share assets or spend money on your dream wedding. You can still plan christenings, schooling and stuff, you don't have to live in the same house or even be in a relationship with him to do that. You sound insecure and he's doing that to you. Leave and clear your head, concentrate on your self-esteem and your child. And in the future, give your children your own name, you know it makes sense.

I don't think you are silly or hoping to live off his earnings or anything like that. You want a committed relationship in which you both give and take (financially, emotionally, etc) and you are secure in your marriage.

It's just that he does not want that with you.

He could stay in that frustrating holding pattern with you until he finds somewhere else he really wants to land.

I interpreted OPs 80s remark as meaning that when she grew up, the majority of couples did still get married, so that's what she saw around her. And she takes her desired norms from that era rather than this decade when 40% plus of children are born to parents who are unmarried at least initially.

With that said OP, he appears not to want to marry you and you can't force that. Marriage is a legal contract and a significant thing to enter into, and so the person who doesn't want to do it 'wins'. Has to. It's ok for you to feel like you're 'owed' compromise from him after what you've compromised on, but it means fuck all. And having had a child already and allowed that child to have his name, you've effectively ceded the negotiating power you have.

Realistically I think you have to decide whether it's more important to you to stay with him or to be married- it's probably either/or.

And people have been a bit harsh, but they were right about the traditionalist thing. You're not a traditionalist if you had a child outside marriage. If you do decide to move on and look for someone who wants marriage, rather than stay in this relationship, I think you'd be well advised to ensure you don't conceive outside marriage again.

You've walked into a feminist argument here op. A lot of the flack you're getting is bcs some posters are blinded by the feminist slant on your situ, ignoring - wilfully in some cases - your very real distress. I always think those who accuse others of immaturity are that way themselves.

I think this guy is taking the piss actually. He's managed to rig it that he has ALL the benefits of marriage - without actually making that commitment to you, knowing how important it is to you. If he doesn't want to marry you then fine, but don't take, manipulate, wheedle, all the benefits.

Maybe it's time for you to set some boundaries. You have given in and given in - unwisely it turns out - so choose what you want. If you don't want you and ds to live with someone without being married then move out.

You have to mean it op. You can't be waiting around for ever when he has no intention of marrying you, just taking what he wants. Don't give it to him of it's not what you want.

So he has no compunction in persuading/nagging you into decisions that benefit him (baby's surname, buying a house)? And you're just passively waiting for him to marry you?

Fgs why? Even in the 80s women had feminism.

I'd be safeguarding my share of EVERYTHING

He's got all he wants he doesn't want to get married

I commented on your previous thread. I'm still not married either.

Cohabitation agreement in place here.

I'm so sorry ,OP. You have been conned. He got you to agree to moving in without a commitment, using your salary to get a better home than he could do alone ( I assume), and your child doesn't share your surname. Why would he marry you? He has got all the male benefits of marriage with non of the commitment. He has told you he doesn't want to marry you with means he doesn't want to promise to be with you forever. You need to decide what to do now: accept this or look for someone who wants what you do.

It's good that you earn more though, and that you've not compromised your income. Keep it that way! Is the house 50/50?

He wants the bigger house and perhaps another child but as you can imagine without what I want being considered as seriously because it's "just marriage" and people don't get married nowadays I obviously feel reluctant to compromise yet again.

All my point was i'm not form nowadays I grew up in 80/90s so what i wanted eg marriage was formed then -not now)

i just find it odd that if a girl says she wants to get married it's scrutinised and questioned by everyone on here but if someone says they don't want to get married then ya just have to be ok with it?

my money we obviously use for savings / bills he always pays these so it's equal.
and i was saving for another deposit but now wondering whether i should use this for my own separate property.

runnignoutofjuice. I actually did decide to leave 6 months ago he asked me to stay saying things would change and he did have a pot where he puts spare change to save for "my ring" which was a great gesture so I stayed. But there's just been no talk of it and no forward thinking or planning.

Certainly don't have another dc with him

Nothing wrong with saying 'I'd rather be married before having another dc"

No way I would have a second Dc already in this position

it would be nice to have a joint account, Have the same name as my child. legal security, joint savings for our child, discuss schools ahead of time.

Only one of those things is reliant on marriage. There’s nothing stopping you from having the same name as your child, discussing schools or having a joint account or savings for your child as you are now. You can even call yourself Mrs if you absolutely must.

You’re sounding pretty deluded to me.

We’ve been married 14 years having decided to get married (nobody proposed so no story to be told). Our daughter (7) has both of our surnames. I don’t use Mrs. We don’t have a joint account. The world hasn’t ended.