been together 3 years not proposed

[user1486305061]

Hi, I posted on here just over a year ago. We had a child who's (14 months soon) I posted a few months after he was born saying my partner won't marry me he doesn't see the point waste of money etc, whilst i'm traditional and do want to marry. I was born in the 80s so I'm entitled to still feel like marriage is important to me it was a big part of my time growing up as a child, Family security and honesty is important to me. I realise things are different now times have changed but as I wasn't born or growing up in today's times surely i'm entitled to keep my beliefs? what is so wrong with wanting what you've always wanted? he's a bit older than me, I've returned to work and make good money. But i'm still feeling a loss that the marriage thing will never happen. All I understand is that after saying "well marry if you want to" a year has passed and it's still never happened, it's never come in in conversation it did yesterday by me but again it hasn't been able to be discussed without an argument. Am I being silly thinking things will change or should I realise after making my feelings clear that another year has gone by and he's no further towards it? any help would be appreciated. My previous post from a year ago is copied below:

previous post:
i this is the first time i've posted on here and not really sure how to get my feelings across but hope someone may have some advice.

i was with my partner of over a year when we found out i was pregnant. I was completely over joyed and although my partner thought it was too soon we were already living together and said we loved each other and talked about everything so I thought although it's soon it's not like it would have happened eventually. He said he would be there and we'd move forward together as a family ect. However he had a hard time coming to terms with it and whilst i was pregnant every time something exciting happened - i got heartburn, he kicked for the first time or we went for a 3D scan i felt like i just couldn't share that as he (my partner) was still on a downer. so all these excited and wonderful emoutions i had i quickly learned to shut down and turn them off quickly. Fast forward to after the birth and i now feel the same even though my partner is a fantastic dad i feel quick to stop the emoution and feel unable to plan ahead e.g. christening and family holidays because he never wanted it. which he's said many times throughout pregnancy. Another thing which came up is marriage - whilst i'm from a traditional family and have always loved the romantic idea of meeting someone falling in love and getting married - he sees all the negatives:
the money and societal pressures ect. we don't need a to get married to show we're committed ect. But i now feel a little bit lost like i'm in a relationship with a child but it's not going anywhere and why because of money? i don't think money is a good enough excuse for me. and all this relationship worry it's getting on my nerves when i should just be focusing on our gorgeous baby not getting upset but i feel a bit like we have this family built on absououtely no foundation, i should mention here i live in his house and although i do have a well paid job i'm currently on maternity so i'm feeling very beholdednt to him and his wishes for the future. I just can't seem to accept the fact that i'm never going to have an engagement story to tell or wear a ring or even a wedding ring i'll never be able to run home to my mum and tell her all the amazing details of the proposal. it just feels a bit like i've settled and given up on a dream. i do love him and shouldn't that be enough? but then if he loved me he'd do anything to keep me? it's so confusing - i've been lied to in relationships in the past and i just don't want to hang around for something that's never gunna happen. I am independent and can drive and everything else and whilst i realise you don't need a man to be complete it's more about common goals for me like i thought we would be moving forwards towards someday getting married anyway but we just happened to get pregnant first. after a lot of arguing he said "well i've conceded to you if you wanna do it and the time is right and we're still together i'll do it." But again i don't want someone to do something just because i want it, i want to work towards a future that we both want together. i didn't exactly have a straight forward birth and this is my first so i know my emoutions will be all over the place now but any advice would be appreciated. many thanks

I can’t get past the ‘people don’t get married now days’ I’m a ‘90s’ kid and all my mates are married or getting married within the next 12 months.

Added what decade I was born just because apparently it’s relevant in this thread

the clarity is what i need

why does he have your name if i don't?

why are we buying a house if we're not decided on marriage?

it is very unclear

So I'm just putting it out there.... was the baby planned by you or both of you? Because I have a hunch that maybe you moved in thinking this would progress things.... it didn't.... had a baby thinking that would get the ring..... it didn't and now a year on your stuck not knowing if he even wants to marry you and show the long term commitment.
It's a shame for you but I don't think he will marry you.
It's a shame but those compromises you made probably waved goodbye to the traditional route.

How's this? Let's go to Las Vegas for a week and get married there. The lure of Vegas may be too good to resist but he has to go to a chapel before he can hit the slots.

My dp has also been "saving" for a £1,000 ring for almost a year. He earns £70,000 a year. Im getting the message now.

Ultimately being married enough matters to you and he isn't showing you that you matter enough to him to give you something you want get you compromised on baby's surname etc.

I never got the proposal or wedding I would have liked but I knew DH issue was with a wedding not the being married but!

I would make your peace with not being excited about marrying you and just get the job done. I didn't want a proposal, which was lucky because I didn't get one. But I do have a happy marriage.

If he's said he'll marry you, then start organising the wedding and he'll have to come up with a reason for it not happening 'yet'.

The above applies if you're sure your relationship is worth it.

as long as i can get my mind clear i'm sure will be fine

change name back
save money for my property
no further jumping over the marriage conversation and still feeling unclear
setting a date ahead of time in my own mind
i already know i won't be back on here in 1 year writing this again

thanks

i would actually love a vegas marriage
simple quick i'm sure very fun

I doubt very much he'll let you change the name back.

I think the name change (or adding yours) will be the trigger conversation that will decide things either way tbh

Vegas actually would be perfect - you both save face, it can be quick and solid and done, and both have a story to tell people.

Having read your last post, I believe he has no intention of ever marrying you. I also believe he knows just what to say to keep you dangling for as long as it suits him. What will he say if you tell him that you will not have another child or buy a bigger property until you are married? It doesn't have to be the big 'do'or have the proposal you seem to want. It's an important legal Co tract that bestows various safeguards and rights that you will otherwise need to pay a solicitor to set in place. So yes, it is a 'piece of paper's, but one which gives you legal rights which otherwise require a whole set of 'pieces of paper '.
I feel for you, but I do think you really need to decide what you want and if it doesn't come with what he so clearly wants, make plans to move on.

He is saving up for a ring, he's been clear and told you that. Give him a chance to do that rather than question why it hasn't happened. I honestly think he's saving as he said

user149. I know like i say i don't want to be hasty and end things when he thinks he's saving but i also don't want to be "a mug" as someone put it

You aren't being. He probably just wants it to be right. I know how you feel and I have been there & am now planning our wedding, but I did feel like you

I did a thread like this on here 9 years ago.

I got slated just like the op is.

I think it’s an area where MN doesn’t represent irl.

In my experience people expect a couple with a dc to get married within 3ish years.

In my situation I didn’t want to take the advice on here and propose myself. The way I saw it I only wanted to get married to someone who wanted it enough to propose. If I had done it I feel like I’d never have known if they had felt pushed into it and would doubt if their feelings were genuine.

Now almost a decade has passed. We are still together. Lots of the ones who did get married are now divorced, some remarried. I consider our relationship stronger than most, whether married or not. I am financially independent so don’t need marriage for that reason.

When I meet new people they assume I am married.

I’m 90% glad we didn’t get married.

I think the legal cost and hassle of untangling a marriage might dissuade me from leaving even if it was the best thing to do. At least now I feel like I have the security of knowing that if I want out quick eg infidelity/ domestic abuse/ etc I can.

My home is my own and no one can take that from me.

If I was married I’d have that hanging over me.

I can’t say I wouldn’t have liked the whole proposal, ring, big wedding thing but that would have been a distant memory now!

Not being married does make me doubt DP’s depth of feeling for me but then I see what he does every day to show he cares and I look around married couples and hardly any have that...

The best advice I can give is stay financially independent, have secure housing of your own and give dcs your surname.

Posters on here overemphasise the benefits of marriage.

thanks

i'll set the date in mit one mind and i'd hope he's have saved or asked by then but if not i guess i can't keep waiting

everyone's saying oh stop rushing him but from where i stand

he asked me out
he asked me to be exclusive
he asked me to move in
he asked me for another child
he asked me ect ect so I'm asking for one thing

not saying i didn't want to go out with him i obviously did but it's frustrating when people are putting across i'm forcing it

He is saving up for a ring, he's been clear and told you that. Give him a chance to do that rather than question why it hasn't happened. I honestly think he's saving as he said

He has had a chance. If a ring is particularly important to OP, you can get a perfectly decent diamond in white gold for what, £250? And the stuff about not being willing to be put on a timeframe is, I'm afraid, the usual line trotted out by someone who doesn't want to get married but also doesn't want to say so.

It might be no bad thing to concentrate his mind a little OP. As long as you don't mind the potential consequences. I note that you feel lied to and manipulated, and tbh I do think that's what's happened here- so I can see why that would make you reassess the relationship. It would be different if he'd been clear from the off that he didn't want to marry.

Lastly, people emphatically do still get married these days. There were over 250,000 in England and Wales in 2014, the most recent stats I could find.

These threads are unfortunately common on here. A good lesson for anyone in a relationship and considering trying for a baby with their partner (Sorry OP).

Maybe I've missed it, but how old are you OP?

I'm guessing that you want him to want to marry you? Sorry to be blunt, but I don't think that's ever going to happen. Even if he does agree to marry you (from you issuing ultimatums and deadlines) do you actually want to marry someone who you know , at heart, doesn't actually want to marry you?

Marriage is important if you take reduced hours/become a stay at home parent and don't have your financial interests protected on the home you share. Also for inheritance purposes should the worst happen.

I think I said earlier it's probably more in the dp's interests to marry the OP if she's a higher earner than in hers. But she wants what she wants.

He doesn’t want to marry you

What would you do if he just said he didnt want to get married ever and that was the end of it. That would be certain and at least then you could make plans assuming you were never going to be married. So you could either ltb or make sure you were financially independent, your home was in your name, your child has your name etc. Maybe you could just say you need a decision on that. If he changed his mind later, then great but up until then, you can put your security and that of your child first on that basis.

I think the legal cost and hassle of untangling a marriage might dissuade me from leaving even if it was the best thing to do. At least now I feel like I have the security of knowing that if I want out quick eg infidelity/ domestic abuse/ etc I can.

Unmarried couples who've been together a long time tend to have joint assets and children though. If your house is purely in your own name that's different, but these days people are less likely to be able to buy a property by themselves, so the reality is that people cohabiting outside marriage are usually still pretty enmeshed.

I do agree with your advice for people who aren't going to marry, but the bit about having secure housing of your own is an increasingly implausible dream for many.

annabelle - that's how i've now been feeling and starting to asses the relationship
eg i don't really want to marry someone who doesn't want to marry me

he then says he can't win then as if he asks me it's because i've mentioned it so he can't win

he says he's. it crazy about marriage which could be true so i take this all on board but again i could just be completely naive and believing everything like so many people on here have warned could happen

i said to him if i move out we can still date and then see if we get married later down the line and he said that would be taking a massive step back