been together 3 years not proposed

[user1486305061]

Hi, I posted on here just over a year ago. We had a child who's (14 months soon) I posted a few months after he was born saying my partner won't marry me he doesn't see the point waste of money etc, whilst i'm traditional and do want to marry. I was born in the 80s so I'm entitled to still feel like marriage is important to me it was a big part of my time growing up as a child, Family security and honesty is important to me. I realise things are different now times have changed but as I wasn't born or growing up in today's times surely i'm entitled to keep my beliefs? what is so wrong with wanting what you've always wanted? he's a bit older than me, I've returned to work and make good money. But i'm still feeling a loss that the marriage thing will never happen. All I understand is that after saying "well marry if you want to" a year has passed and it's still never happened, it's never come in in conversation it did yesterday by me but again it hasn't been able to be discussed without an argument. Am I being silly thinking things will change or should I realise after making my feelings clear that another year has gone by and he's no further towards it? any help would be appreciated. My previous post from a year ago is copied below:

previous post:
i this is the first time i've posted on here and not really sure how to get my feelings across but hope someone may have some advice.

i was with my partner of over a year when we found out i was pregnant. I was completely over joyed and although my partner thought it was too soon we were already living together and said we loved each other and talked about everything so I thought although it's soon it's not like it would have happened eventually. He said he would be there and we'd move forward together as a family ect. However he had a hard time coming to terms with it and whilst i was pregnant every time something exciting happened - i got heartburn, he kicked for the first time or we went for a 3D scan i felt like i just couldn't share that as he (my partner) was still on a downer. so all these excited and wonderful emoutions i had i quickly learned to shut down and turn them off quickly. Fast forward to after the birth and i now feel the same even though my partner is a fantastic dad i feel quick to stop the emoution and feel unable to plan ahead e.g. christening and family holidays because he never wanted it. which he's said many times throughout pregnancy. Another thing which came up is marriage - whilst i'm from a traditional family and have always loved the romantic idea of meeting someone falling in love and getting married - he sees all the negatives:
the money and societal pressures ect. we don't need a to get married to show we're committed ect. But i now feel a little bit lost like i'm in a relationship with a child but it's not going anywhere and why because of money? i don't think money is a good enough excuse for me. and all this relationship worry it's getting on my nerves when i should just be focusing on our gorgeous baby not getting upset but i feel a bit like we have this family built on absououtely no foundation, i should mention here i live in his house and although i do have a well paid job i'm currently on maternity so i'm feeling very beholdednt to him and his wishes for the future. I just can't seem to accept the fact that i'm never going to have an engagement story to tell or wear a ring or even a wedding ring i'll never be able to run home to my mum and tell her all the amazing details of the proposal. it just feels a bit like i've settled and given up on a dream. i do love him and shouldn't that be enough? but then if he loved me he'd do anything to keep me? it's so confusing - i've been lied to in relationships in the past and i just don't want to hang around for something that's never gunna happen. I am independent and can drive and everything else and whilst i realise you don't need a man to be complete it's more about common goals for me like i thought we would be moving forwards towards someday getting married anyway but we just happened to get pregnant first. after a lot of arguing he said "well i've conceded to you if you wanna do it and the time is right and we're still together i'll do it." But again i don't want someone to do something just because i want it, i want to work towards a future that we both want together. i didn't exactly have a straight forward birth and this is my first so i know my emoutions will be all over the place now but any advice would be appreciated. many thanks

Sorry op can you just clarify something he asked me for another child has he already got one with someone else?

No, traditional isn't being confused with religious. If a person is traditional about marriage etc, they don't choose to have a child and cohabit outside marriage. This could be for any reason- a person might be an atheist and still think tradition is best.

This doesn't mean you can't want that setup later. But that's still non-traditional because of the order.

The salient point, though, is that whatever you want to call your ultimate goal, you feel you've got to the point you're at now based on false promises.

As I said I moved out a while back and he asked me back and because people i asked at the time for advice we're backing him saying it's just a piece of paper and "what so you can't stay together if you don't have a big wedding and a ring on your finger, that's selfish" that eventually i just backed down because I am living that way now but no i'm not entirely happy with it.

and i guess that's some people's option on here who clearly don't understand the situation. Presuming I'm in a rush to get married ect. i've been proposed to before and it wasn't right and we broke up after 7 years together because it wasn't right so yes I can be on my own.

i think the point is he says one thing "i love you" and casually does make some steps towards what i want ( saving a bit of money)

but you're right if it was his priority or he was taking on board how much it really meant to me it would become the most important thing to us.

to some extent i have to agree with others- maybe my self worth has been questioned ( by me) and i've over compromised but again i was told not everything can be my way and marriage doesn't mean anything i almost feel i been sold someone else's view point and accepted it to keep the peace.

whoever said "i will decide" is absolutely right. I've never been like this in other relationships i think having a child changes your viewpoint slightly and i don't want to "jump ship" for not getting my own way which is how people have made me feel. And it's just not the case, i've waited i've tried talking, ive compromised. I honk regardless of how i feel about him i do need to set jess dates / boundaries and start putting myself (and child) first.

no he has no other children.

yes maybe i am waiting for his approval but maybe didn't realise it at first. As everyone has said he's pretty much getting his cake and eating it too. Hence why i thought about moving out to perhaps take my life back a little, but appreciate others view on here that that would too put me in a vulnerable position for any clarity on the marriage argument and could make things worse for me. I see that if I choose to buy my own property it would perhaps suggest i've already decided and I should probably just move in to it and stop the relationship.

Oh he wants another one off you??? That's your biggest bargaining tool in this. If you get preggo again kiss goodbye to a wedding for a few years. Use it as a wedding needs to come first to complete the family unit.

I hate when people say the man "didn't want a child". As if he was forced into unprotected sex🙄

9 times out of 10 these men dangle marriage as a promise at the outset to get what they want. & pretend they've changed their mind much later on. Futurefakers.

OP 1 year later you're still torturing your mind on this and you need to stop. Make a decision for yourself. Stay or go. You aren't the woman this man wants to marry. In your shoes I'd make a life for myself and child separate from him rather than seem as if I'm begging 1 man to marry me. You'll survive.

Better than bitter wasted years with a man who doesn't even want what you want. He's made a decision and is sticking to it so now, you make one for yourself.

If you do meet a man in future who wants marriage don't have a child for him until you are married, will you?

No I won't, thanks I don't think I would ever go through this again.

If it went that way and i met someone else out there I'd still want marriage first

and with my current partner I couldn't have any more children without some part of what i want. so the topic of marriage came up and then he just said he'll ask but don't want to be put under pressure which i understand to some extent but we should be able to discuss it in a bit more in-depth than that. However he dismisses it

I would like to be engaged for a couple of years which he knows so without even proposing there's still a two year wait. So yes i feel like he's dragging his feet.

"yes maybe i am waiting for his approval but maybe didn't realise it at first".

Oh but he did realise and future faked you into the bargain to boot. You did not realise. You gave away all your power and control to him at great cost to your own self and any little leverage you had has now truly gone. He has all the power here in this relationship and he knows it too. He will never marry you and why would you want him to do so?.

You were too easily swayed by him and others who gave his point of view and you pooh poohed your own underlying principles here re the importance to your own self of marriage. You should have held firm but you did not for your own reasons. You have to take some responsibility here for your own choices.

Make a decision for your own self and stick to it rather than simply be blown along or otherwise swayed by words. Actions here more than words count.

@user1486305061 why do you need a 2 year wait? That already sounds a nightmare if he asks you to marry you ever please just say yes shall we do it tomorrow?

thanks dcmistress

i also appreciate previous comments that having another child would grant me even less independence - especially financially make this harder for me and that again there would be no need to get married for him.

i don't want to barter and bargain and "convince" anyone why i'm a "good catch"

i think i do still want to change babies name and save a future for myself whatever it looks like.

sorry that's just what i used to think because i guess i wasn't wanting to just "rush in to a marriage" so a year or two engagement felt right as it was a commitment shown but not rushed.

but he hasn't proposed anyway and we've been together 3 years so i guess the two year wait is irrelevant now

Do let us know how the name-changing goes.

The thing I am picking up the most from your posts, is the way that you seem to set more store by other people's opinions than your own. You say you went back to him because friends said you were being selfish, and now you're looking for answers from strangers on the Internet.

You don't need our permission to leave him, if that's what you want.

Yeah, I mean whatever happens now, if you do end up getting married it's not something you have rushed into. Not after 3 years together.

What are you going to do then? Are you going to have a discussion about it?

OP
Most posters are saying Value Yourself More.

to be honest the reason i am here is because i have tried talking to him. I tried a year ago and. it still causes a row.

i read somewhere that men "generally" and i mean generally not every man i'm sure but appently they know after 1.5 years whether they wish to marry you.

so i will need to work on myself, focus on myself and save my money for my future

i'm just so sad i've compromised myself and my self worth in this way without even realising it

yeh i do that, the washing, tidying, cleaning, food shopping - paying for and shopping for it putting it away. all breakfast, all cooking like it was said he has a "wife" with benefits but not legally. Plus I work tues to fri (37 hours) per week, I have no time for myself. I drop off and pick up every childcare day.

so yeh i'm someone wife but not legally.

User it is great that you have realised where you are. You can now look forward and plan a happier future.
I was at Surestart on Friday and signed into a group. Of 10 of us, only 2 babies had the same surname as their mothers. It really isn't that unusual so please don't feel bad. Could you make it double barrelled so yours and his are both surnames?
I would wonder if he starts a new relationship if you split up, if he would still be anti marriage.
You know you cannot talk to him rationally, as his words are lies.
Please don't waste 2 more years.
And you are allowed to have it all. If you want white weddings and a lovely proposal it will happen when you are with someone who knows you want and deserve that. Yes blackberry I agree that not all women do. Some do and don't admit it so as not to look rejected. OP does.

Unfortunately I think you’re going to be in for a tough time, especially over the name change.

Could you offer to double barrel it instead of a straight swap? You could double barrel but drop his name for “everyday” use - it might make him more amenable to altering it

X post

So you’re doing all the “wife work” too?

Fucking hell, does he actually contribute anything to the relationship?

thank's yeah. I don't want to give mixed messages maybe double barrel with my name first is a good idea like you say.

he is a fanstastic father

but thinking about it I can't really say what he's been contributing to the "relationship"

it's not like we have a difference of opinion and we can talk about it like adults - we can't he shuts it down and i get upset.

he pays bills. but i do too.

i think as i'm realising it may never happen i absolutely don't want to go in to buying more property together

he previously said no to a double barrel surname as he said it was too pretensious

but i really like the idea

this could be a good option