He doesn't 'do love'! What does that mean?

[Welshcakesareyum]

Been seeing a guy for about 3.5 months and up until last night, never made me 2nd guess how he feels about me. Its like the effort is wearing off. It seems all about sex. Maybe thats normal to begin woth? We were chatting about families and he has mentioned meeting his 3 children. I feel like it's a bit soon but thought I'd mention him meeting mine also in time. He pulled a face, like turned his nose up and said taking 5 kids out though. I thought that was a little strange as if we are eventually going to meet each others kids, yes we have 5 between us. Then we were discussing his kids step dad (who he has never met and quite bitter about), saying I'd rather him not be in their lives. I said, wouldn't you rather them be loved by more people. He said...you can't love other people's kids. I was pretty shocked because, I had an awful experience with my step dad and have always thought (hoped) I'd meet someone that would love my kids too.
He also mentioned he doesn't do love.

So he has told you what you want to hear in order to keep you where he wants you to be.
And you are seemingly willing to put up with him showing no interest in your life, the mean comments and bad sex.
I'd be very surprised if he actually delivers anythibg he promises beyond a few token gestures to shut you up.

You can love a step child, DH and DD1 have the most amazing relationship 13 years on she considers him 'dad' 😀 and she'd tell him stuff before she'd tell me.
When we married he also said vows to her too, that he'd be there for her forever. He's stuck by those vows.

I'm not sure he's the right one for you.

My stepdad was the best thing that ever happened to me and my sister. He would have done anything for us. Anything. To him, we we were his daughters. We miss him terribly (cancer).

Don't stay with a man who could imagine treating your children like his own. Just don't.

*couldn't imagine

So what are you going to do about it being 'all about sex' then?

Don’t trust him.

I have not been in a relationship for 7 years. I wouldn't say my boundaries are low. I posted here as soon as I felt something wasn't right. Then addressed it. I'm posting his response.
No, I am not 'putting up' with it. I'm here to ask for advice. I appreciate all of your posts. I'm just trying to understand. Just because I am questioning his behaviour, doesn't mean my boundaries are low or I will put up with being treated anything less than I feel I deserve.
I have been hurt. Alot of people here probably have. You do put up barriers do t you? Yes, I see how this looks. He is now saying what he thinks I want to hear. What if...its true. How do you all know? Please, again just a question. I question also because, sometimes I am unsure as my marriage was loveless and I didn't have a great bond with my parents. Lots of neglect. I feel as a mum, I have so much love to give as I didn't have that. I'm also aware that I'm not sure what it feels like to be loved/cared for. So I'm trying to understand him too. I have dated lots and I know, nobody is perfect.

If you really want to give him the benefit of the doubt (I wouldn’t) then carry on seeing him casually and see how it goes but do not introduce your or his children as then it will get complicated.

Aww it's so lovely to read about lovely step dads.
All about sex. I told him I want to go out and do more.
I have not seen him or planned to since this post. He called me yesterday. He now knows how I feel. I still haven't said I want to see him. I don't have anyone to talk to so posting here is helping me.

The way you know for sure is to stop judging him by all the promises he makes and all the plans for the future that he says he wants and start judging him for how he behaves - the things that he actually does.
It took me a long time to realise that anyone can promise anything and it is only behaviour that counts.

I know you want to believe in him but nothing so far shows that he genuinely cares about you.
I would have left him over the lunch comment alone because that was so mean spirited and is very revealing as to the kind of person he is. There is no thought or care in his actions.

Your boundaries have improved a little because you have asked about this man but they are still too low and you remain vulnerable to such predatory men's approaches. They can spot vulnerability a mile off and they will exploit that no end.

No-one is perfect and you are right in that respect but that does not mean you were put on this earth for others to abuse you like they have done.

The last thing you need at the moment is him in your life at all. You need to address the past properly and love your own self for a change. No-one ever bothered to show you what a mutually loving and respectful relationship is like so you do not know even now.

Your parents being both neglectful and abusive (I would contact NAPAC if you have not already done so as they could help you re your abusive childhood) taught you a lot of damaging stuff about relationships. Those are lessons that you carry over to this day. Its small wonder that your first marriage was loveless because that is all you thought you deserved and to an extent still do with this man. Your first H was in all likelihood not too dissimilar to either one or both your parents.

Getting to present day this is also how this man wormed his way into your life in the first place, you have perhaps subconsciously picked a similar type. It is not your job here to try and understand him, you are in no way qualified to do that and besides which he does not want your help or support anyway. You are at real risk here of becoming further over invested and hurt by this person who you really do need to now block and delete.

As I said in my earlier post, I think being honest about being hurt by what he said was the best way, some men just communicate feelings poorly, crap at anything emotional. Personally if you really like him I would give him the benefit of the doubt and see how it goes for a few more months and see if he can indeed move properly forward

actions not words. That's it really.
I don't think there is any harm in giving someone 1 chance, but take notice of their actions. Don't do all the running.

My dh told me early on in our relationship that he wouldn't get married again. Obviously we did.
You've had your eyes opened now. He's realised he may lose you and this may have made him rethink things.
See how things develop but be wary and be prepared to walk away if he's spinning you a line.

So he's pretty selfish and not shy about telling you he is "I dont recall you taking me out for lunch", not texting after you say anything or ask anything he doesnt like ...until you pull away. As soon as you say "maybe we should forget the whole thing then", suddenly hes falling in love with you and wants you to meet your kids.

If you believe him and go along with his change of heart and things all go back to "normal", do you think he will continue to want to still be going out for days with your kids? Or will he go back to "I dont see how anyone can love someone elses kids, why dont you just meet mine"? Something to think about.

You want to believe the best of him and give him the benefit of the doubt. That's a good quality in you, but the thing is that it leaves you very open to manipulative people (I'm speaking from experience).

He will out-manoeuvre you in every conversation, because you'll be truthful and he will say what you want to hear.

Of course you don't have to LTB immediately based on anything anyone says here (although I wish you would!) but I'm concerned that you're placing so much faith in his version of events rather than in yours. Just for your own sake, will you keep some kind of record of what he actually does, so you can look at his pattern of behaviour and see whether he is making your life better or worse.

Ultimately only you know him. But he does seem to be adhering to one of the toxic man "scripts" that people here talk about, and he still seems to be saying that he is in need of being fixed - by his partner. If you want to spend your time and energy on that, it's your business. Personally I'd prefer a whole adult man who just wants to get on with enjoying life, and has an open positive attitude to meeting his partner's children.

How about you tell the guy to put himself in counselling and get back in contact with you once he's done enough work on himself to have a healthy relationship? Some people honestly aren't capable of wanting that, they enjoy doom and gloom and drama, or at least it's a pattern they grew up with and can't break. And it's a pattern he could end up playing out in front of your children, so just be very careful.

Thankyou all so so much for taking time to post and thankyou for all your advice and views. It's so hard when you have nobody to chat to and you question if it's you.
You have really helped.

Lip service. Talk is cheap...and very easy.

He is insulting your intelligence.

He is setting up a double standard regarding the children. His would be golden, yours would be invisible.

You may be able to rationalize, justify, minimize that stab in the heart feeling you get from his manipulations...but why on Earth would you want to have to train your dear dear children to do the same?

If you can not dump him for your own self esteem (and mental health), then dump him for the sake of your dc.