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Original poster

He doesn't 'do love'! What does that mean?

170 replies

Welshcakesareyum · 23/02/2018 15:37

Been seeing a guy for about 3.5 months and up until last night, never made me 2nd guess how he feels about me. Its like the effort is wearing off. It seems all about sex. Maybe thats normal to begin woth? We were chatting about families and he has mentioned meeting his 3 children. I feel like it's a bit soon but thought I'd mention him meeting mine also in time. He pulled a face, like turned his nose up and said taking 5 kids out though. I thought that was a little strange as if we are eventually going to meet each others kids, yes we have 5 between us. Then we were discussing his kids step dad (who he has never met and quite bitter about), saying I'd rather him not be in their lives. I said, wouldn't you rather them be loved by more people. He said...you can't love other people's kids. I was pretty shocked because, I had an awful experience with my step dad and have always thought (hoped) I'd meet someone that would love my kids too.
He also mentioned he doesn't do love.

OP posts:
thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 23/02/2018 17:48

Don’t feel bad, it’s all him and not you, gits like him have to put on a false charming persona to reel you in. Onwards and upwards, thankfully they’re not all like that Thanks

ReanimatedSGB · 23/02/2018 17:53

There isn't, actually, anything wrong with having no interest in a committed relationship. Plenty of people stick to having FWB set ups, because they have other priorities.

However, I still think this man sounds like a dick, because I get the impression he did all the 'romantic' stuff without asking you if that's what you wanted so you'd drop your knickers. Now he's managed to get his dick wet a few times, he's decided he doesn't really need to make an effort any more. Because he thinks women are all silly princesses that you have to make promises to or they won't put out, but a Real Man manages to get what he wants without giving anything away.

You can do better than him.

Jellyheadbang · 23/02/2018 17:54

It means he can do whatever the fuck he wants to you and you can’t complain because he warned you that he doesn’t do love ergo you have no right to have expectations.
The aim is to turn you into a desperate mess, doing everything you possibly can in order to get him to soften his hard, hard heart in order to make him see a reason to ‘do love’.
Women waste years on these guys trying to make them fall in love. Don’t be one of them.

DrunkUnicorn · 23/02/2018 18:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoomBoomsCousin · 23/02/2018 19:03

The more you say about him, the less worthwhile he sounds. If he's mainly after sex now and he's selfish in the bedroom, it really doesn't sound like a winning proposition even if the lack of long-term prospects suited you well.

SandyY2K · 23/02/2018 19:10

You can't even usr him for sex...as it's all about him in the bedroom. Get rid on that point alone.

Shoxfordian · 23/02/2018 19:33

He sounds like a knob

BertieBotts · 23/02/2018 19:55

Start reading and listening to this lady! You deserve so much better than this creep and it's making me sad seeing you so upset by him having thought he was lovely :( You can stand to raise your base standards a lot, you know, and then you'll have much more of a chance of finding somebody who will make you happy. :)

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/

Blog, podcast, topics, whatever takes your fancy!

Graphista · 23/02/2018 20:11

He's a prize twat! He wants sex and someone to look after his kids when he's supposed to be - dump!

How - a simple "this isn't working for me" should do. Can't imagine he'll press the point too far but if he does be honest. "We have different views on how families and relationships should work".

"He says about going away, he says he wants to do lots of things." Heard of "future faking" ?

"Also... I'm not sure if this is a problem as I haven't been with anyone in a very long time but he is a little selfish in the bedroom. It's like he gets what he needs and then cuddles and kisses. Although that's getting less..." Geez I'd dump for that alone. I really hope you don't mean he gets his pleasure and you don't...quite?

Op you need to address why you're willing to put up with such poor treatment/low standards.

Original poster
Welshcakesareyum · 23/02/2018 21:19

I'm in work now feeling a bit poop. Thankyou all. I have dated lots and never found anyone. I knew it was all too good to be true. I honestly don't or won't settle for less than what I feel every woman deserves. I guess it's all been happening very recently. It's only now that I'm noticing something doesn't feel right.
Hmm I thought he liked me. I thought I'd finally found someone. Never mind 😔

OP posts:
Consideringbeingamom · 23/02/2018 21:22

He sounds "delightful". I would suspect he will be rather lonely eventually with that attitude. It baffles me that people this standoffish think they can be attractive to anyone.

Addy2 · 24/02/2018 06:32

Sorry you're having to go through this disappointment OP. Flowers There is a nice man out there for you, but while you find them, enjoy the things you do have rather than fixating on what you don't. You sound like a lovely person and you deserve to be truly happy. Many single people are happier than those in unhappy couples. You're doing the right thing by ending it here. All the best x

CuriousMama · 24/02/2018 06:41

I hope you don't get manipulated by him when you break it off?

I know it's a shock, I've been there. An ex was a total knob. Luckily I met dh who's lovely. I was 40 and that was 10 years ago. So don't think there aren't good men out there.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 24/02/2018 12:11

You've seen this man for who he is which means that your twat radar is working well. It's only been a few months so it's much easier to break up with him now than in another few months. Tell him that the relationship doesn't work for you and you want to meet someone who is right for you. Don't make this about him in case he promises to change (which he won't!)

BackInTheRoom · 24/02/2018 13:51

I am now questioning why he has no interest in meeting his kids step dad, 6 years down the line.

Because he's running away from reality. Doesn't want to face up to being an adult and having to communicate with the stepdad.

You binned him yet?

Original poster
Welshcakesareyum · 24/02/2018 15:44

I haven't! This has really upset me as a week ago I felt so happy, thinking finally, after many many years of dating, I had found someone. It's been like a rollercoaster, being out there on the dating scene. I have been working so have not had chance. I feel so stupid as I have told everyone. He put it all over fb, not that that matters but everyone has been so happy for me. I know I'm prolonging but I'm so sad.

OP posts:
Hermonie2016 · 24/02/2018 16:05

It is very disappointing when we realise someone isn't who we hope they could be.
I think we have to have these life lessons so that we prove we know we deserve more.

You could have ignored these flags but you have grown emotionally so know how to protect yourself.

"I don't do love" equals, I am too self centred to meet anyone else's needs.

Once you get over the disappointment I think you will feel stronger .
Don't give up, the right person could appear soon.Just continue to be happily single knowing you value yourself.See it as a positive that you judged it well.

C0untDucku1a · 24/02/2018 17:09

Fb: CHANGE your relationship status to single and add a comment like, I’m so glad i found out who he really was sooner, rather than later. I’m so grateful for all of your support right now. All break ups, even when you know 100% it is the right thing to do, are difficult. Thank you all for your kindness x

That way you assume people will be supportive of you, rather than judgemental! People largly behave in the way of the crowd —evidences by most threads on here— so set the tone yourself!

C0untDucku1a · 24/02/2018 17:10

strike through fail

DatingLife · 24/02/2018 18:59

I think we have to have these life lessons so that we prove we know we deserve more.

^ Yes. The penny starts to drop. Disappointment can lead to liberation.

Mookatron · 26/02/2018 12:18

It IS disappointing but can you imagine what your reaction would be if a friend told you she'd dumped someone because he didn't 'do' love? You'd say, urgh, well done, what a twat. So I wouldn't worry about that.

AdalindSchade · 26/02/2018 12:42

Oh god never put things on social media. It's childish and asking for embarrassment.

DeadButDelicious · 26/02/2018 13:11

'I don't do love' is dickhead code for 'I'm a massive dickhead'. Dump and run. You won't regret it.

Original poster
Welshcakesareyum · 26/02/2018 16:07

I have not seen him but I asked him what he means by his comment. He said he feels that he has been scarred by his divorce. She left him. I asked him about the comment regarding meeting my children and he said his concern is....he moved in with someone with a child and his oldest dc did not take it well and it was very stressful. He said it scares him.

OP posts:
Thistlebelle · 26/02/2018 16:20

Welsh it’s not your job to “fix” him.

Don’t fall into the trap of thinking you will be able to either.

This is who he is.

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