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Original poster

He doesn't 'do love'! What does that mean?

170 replies

Welshcakesareyum · 23/02/2018 15:37

Been seeing a guy for about 3.5 months and up until last night, never made me 2nd guess how he feels about me. Its like the effort is wearing off. It seems all about sex. Maybe thats normal to begin woth? We were chatting about families and he has mentioned meeting his 3 children. I feel like it's a bit soon but thought I'd mention him meeting mine also in time. He pulled a face, like turned his nose up and said taking 5 kids out though. I thought that was a little strange as if we are eventually going to meet each others kids, yes we have 5 between us. Then we were discussing his kids step dad (who he has never met and quite bitter about), saying I'd rather him not be in their lives. I said, wouldn't you rather them be loved by more people. He said...you can't love other people's kids. I was pretty shocked because, I had an awful experience with my step dad and have always thought (hoped) I'd meet someone that would love my kids too.
He also mentioned he doesn't do love.

OP posts:
Blackteadrinker77 · 23/02/2018 16:16

What a load of rubbish, I love my step son with all my heart.

Dump him, he is clearly not that in to you.

Notasunnybunny · 23/02/2018 16:17

I don’t love my step children like I love my own but I do love them, it different but they are a part of dh and we are a family. He sounds bad news, move on before you invest any more in this.

Lovemusic33 · 23/02/2018 16:20

There are loads of men that take on step children and love them as their own (or close too), I had 3 step children when I was with my ex, though we have now split I am still in contact with them and love them.

AdalindSchade · 23/02/2018 16:22

What a let down :( it's such a shame when you think a man is great then they just aren't.

zzzzz · 23/02/2018 16:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Notasunnybunny · 23/02/2018 16:25

For what it is worth dh said something similar when we first got together. We were talking about cuddles in bed and he said he wouldn’t allow my ds (2) in bed with us for cuddles and he couldn’t do that sort of thing with someone else’s kid. I told him straight that if affection for my child was going to be dictated by our relationship there would only be one winner. He got over it and now he and ds are thicker than thieves, both adore each other. Ds is now a teen.
But then dh also said he wouldn’t tolerate my mum being with me during labour, that only he should be there with me. Years later my mum, dh and ds all supported me giving birth. Things do change sometimes, men say dumb stuff they don’t always mean.

NurseButtercup · 23/02/2018 16:26

You sound lovely and you deserve somebody that will love you and your kids. Let him go....try not to be too disappointed, he's done you a favour by letting those words slip.

TheNaze73 · 23/02/2018 16:28

He’s not interested in you.

Rach5l · 23/02/2018 16:31

I get how disappointed you are but that'll be ten fold if you stick with him

Adora10 · 23/02/2018 16:31

He sees you as only good enough for a shag, when a person insults you in this way, take heed, he's made it pretty clear he neither sees a future with you and definitely has zero interest in your children.

Don't waste any more time.

StatelessPrincess · 23/02/2018 16:32

He's a weirdo who will make you unhappy.

Qvar · 23/02/2018 16:37

He thinks you can't love othe rpeople's kids because he has decided not to bother trying, and thinks everyone is like him.

He's wrong.

And a knob

Original poster
Welshcakesareyum · 23/02/2018 16:38

It's strange as he is the one telling people about us. Super eager to change his fb status. He wants me to meet his friends. Hmm I can't ignore the red flags I suppose. He thinks everything is perfect. How do I approach this? Do I mention that I have concerns or just completely break it off, with what reason?

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 23/02/2018 16:40

Some people have some odd ideas. Lots of women say they couldn’t love a second child of their own as much as they love their first born, but it’s all very different when they have a second one. Maybe it’s a bit of a defence mechanism in regard to his children’s step dad.

It’s a huge risk to carry on seeing him, getting more attached, knowing that you might have to end it all if he doesn’t actually
bond with your children.

BoomBoomsCousin · 23/02/2018 16:40

It sounds to me like he's still hurt by his past relationship(s) and at the moment can't see himself trying for something that committed. Which is a problem if your aim in this is to find a life partner, but not so much if you're happy with something that's going to stay more casual indefinitely.

Adora10 · 23/02/2018 16:41

Does he take you out OP, does he wine and dine you, surprise you?

You say it seems all about sex but what is he actually doing to impress you, most folk are on best behaviour at this stage and are doing upmost to show you a good side, this is not looking good if he is just having sex with you and that's as far as his energy expands.

Original poster
Welshcakesareyum · 23/02/2018 16:46

We have been out a couple of times. He has cooked and so have I. He says about going away, he says he wants to do lots of things. He is the one always trying to plan a meet but recently it seems he is desperate to meet as he wants sex. I have questioned this and he says he fancies me and that's a good thing. It's just the cuddles after are less and he is very distant sometimes, like he's not taking in what I am saying.

OP posts:
StormTreader · 23/02/2018 16:46

It sounds to me like hes keen to fill the space in his family for "partner/mum" but hasnt thought about the fact that you actually already have your own kids. Hes not thinking about "mixing families into one", only about bringing you into HIS.

PieAndPumpkins · 23/02/2018 16:47

It's sad how intimate you can be with a person and not actually know them very well. I think you should be honest with him - you had a bad step parent experience, and you want better for your children. Openly telling you he can't love anyone else's kids (I'm not saying I could love someone else's children as my own, i'm not sure i could either. But no love at all is pretty brutal) - or envision seeing all 5 kids even spending time together - is not what you want for your children. Move on. Better to know now than later.

Original poster
Welshcakesareyum · 23/02/2018 16:48

Also... I'm not sure if this is a problem as I haven't been with anyone in a very long time but he is a little selfish in the bedroom. It's like he gets what he needs and then cuddles and kisses. Although that's getting less...

OP posts:
creaturefeatures · 23/02/2018 16:50

What it means is that he's an emotionally stunted fuckwit who you'd be one million times better off without thus saving yourself months or years of his twattishness.

Adora10 · 23/02/2018 16:50

Oh come on OP, you have spelt it out yourself, he sees you as nothing more than an easy shag. Raise your bar woman!

SoleBizzz · 23/02/2018 16:51

Tell him his words have put you off him. Dump him. Take control. He has dumped you already really as he has hurt you and let you down about a future with him. He is using you now.

PieAndPumpkins · 23/02/2018 16:51

Can I just copy and paste this for effect.

What it means is that he's an emotionally stunted fuckwit who you'd be one million times better off without thus saving yourself months or years of his twattishness.

RUN.

FeedtheTree · 23/02/2018 16:51

He doesn't 'do' love? Really? Makes you wonder if he also doesn't 'do' behaving like a grown up, emotional maturity, responsibility. That would absolutely turn me off a man. How can you respect someone who doesn't 'do' love?

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