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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He doesn't 'do love'! What does that mean?

170 replies

Welshcakesareyum · 23/02/2018 15:37

Been seeing a guy for about 3.5 months and up until last night, never made me 2nd guess how he feels about me. Its like the effort is wearing off. It seems all about sex. Maybe thats normal to begin woth? We were chatting about families and he has mentioned meeting his 3 children. I feel like it's a bit soon but thought I'd mention him meeting mine also in time. He pulled a face, like turned his nose up and said taking 5 kids out though. I thought that was a little strange as if we are eventually going to meet each others kids, yes we have 5 between us. Then we were discussing his kids step dad (who he has never met and quite bitter about), saying I'd rather him not be in their lives. I said, wouldn't you rather them be loved by more people. He said...you can't love other people's kids. I was pretty shocked because, I had an awful experience with my step dad and have always thought (hoped) I'd meet someone that would love my kids too.
He also mentioned he doesn't do love.

OP posts:
Ryder63 · 26/02/2018 18:16

He's wheeling out the "poor, broken me" malarkey in order to justify his dickish behaviour towards you. I feel you are eager to accept his BS to keep up the pretence that he is the perfect man for you.

'Listen' to his actions, not his words.

MistressDeeCee · 26/02/2018 18:41

Get rid. Its enough that he's been disparaging about your DCs..and he "doesn't do love". It would be a "I do - but not with you" from me. At the very least, he has no manners. & what a conversation to be having in your 'honeymoon stage'. The dickhead tendencies have come to the fore early on, thats one good thing. Sorry you feel disappointed but there are worse ways to feel, as you will find out if you stay with this (non) charmer.

Ryder63 · 26/02/2018 18:46

Sorry you feel disappointed but there are worse ways to feel, as you will find out if you stay with this (non) charmer

Very well put! and unfortunately very true.

Trailedanderror · 26/02/2018 18:54

Please don't give him a chance to wheedle his way back in he's shown his true colours. But seriously a couple of dates in several months dating. Don't be a mug!

Queenoftheblitz · 26/02/2018 19:00

He put it on fb to make his ex jealous.
He's a bitter man and you should let him go.

Original poster
Welshcakesareyum · 26/02/2018 19:04

He may be still hurting?
His ex is not on his fb.

OP posts:
Ruddygreattiger2016 · 26/02/2018 19:05

My god, he is a fucking hypocrite and not a particularly good dad either then, saying he didnt want to meet your kids because his kids were hurt last time he was in a relationship, but is pushing for his kids to meet you!!!
Please see this poor scared man routine for the utter bullshit it very clearly is, rolling out bollocks excuses to make you feel guilty.
Just bin, hes looking for easy sex and someone dumb enough to he free childcare for him.

Queenoftheblitz · 26/02/2018 19:14

His ex doesn't have to be friends on his fb for word to get back to her that he's seeing someone. Fb is full of such passive aggressiveness.
My ex does it to me despite me blocking him on FB.

DeadButDelicious · 26/02/2018 20:20

He's not still hurting. He's wheeling out a sob story so when he's a dick to you (which he's started in earnest by the looks of things) he can abdicate all responsibility because he 'warned' you. He's a dick, he's telling you he's a dick. Listen to him.

BlessYourCottonSocks · 26/02/2018 20:31

Oh please, please stop looking for feeble reasons to stay with him!

Just dump him. I know you are sad, and he's not who you thought he was. But he's not. It was a fantasy.

Move on fast.

Missingstreetlife · 26/02/2018 20:43

When people tell you about themselves, listen

Accountant222 · 26/02/2018 20:46

Is he Prince Charles?

Original poster
Welshcakesareyum · 26/02/2018 20:47

Not making excuses...

OP posts:
goose1964 · 26/02/2018 20:53

Is this my xbf? We had a good relationship and he said that he really liked me, fancied me but that he didn't believe in love. Then promptly moved in with his new gf within 6 months of meeting her,as far as I can tell he's still with her 30 odd years later, but not married.

I'd say back out as fast as you can

Aussiebean · 26/02/2018 21:05

If he is too scared to be in a relationship, then he is not for you.

It is not for you to fix him, teach him that women are not horrible and ‘save him’.

Tell him that you wish him luck working on his issues, and suggest counselling. Then move on to someone who isn’t ‘scared’ to be in a relationship

BrendasUmbrella · 26/02/2018 22:04

In other words, if you try really, really hard, you might be the woman to fix him. Nothing new under the sun... And I expect his ex wife has some stories to tell.

Have all the not-that-great sex you like with him, but I can tell you just from your posts that this guy is only out for himself. He'll get progressively more shit and selfish, then give you the "woe is me, I'm so broken" bit when you get tired of it. An endless shitty circle that only he will benefit from.

Hermonie2016 · 26/02/2018 22:24

Be very cautious. "I am scarred" is likely to make an empathic person want to help/rescue.Its likely to have worked for him before.

I truly feel statements such as this are manipulative...Why would anyone say this? At best he is unable to have a relationship and at worst he will make you do all the hard work to "heal" him. I suspect you will not listen as you feel you can be the one to make him love again.It might happen in Disney films but not real life.

Ask him why his wife left? What responsibility does he take? Ask him about the detail of moving in with a woman, what, when, how soon etc.Be tough and cynical.

Original poster
Welshcakesareyum · 27/02/2018 07:43

He has never said why. Just that he gave up his job so she could work as she earnt more money. She then left him. He said he lost everything overnight. Also alot of debt. He is very very bitter, 6 years later. He is great with his dc's.
I am listening. I just wanted to take my time in making a decision. You are right, I though possibly he could love me. I could be the one he falls in love with. Why is that so impossible? It's just a question....

OP posts:
HairyBallTheorem · 27/02/2018 07:53

"Why is it impossible?"

The old adage " it's not you, it's him." Because he's a selfish fucker and one of life's users.

But you need to get your head right too - whether through girly nights with a mate and a bottle of wine bemoaning the type of man who's a selfish loser, or by reading self help books like Women who Love too much (not a favourite of mine but friends have sworn by it ). Somehow you need to change some attitudes you have, namely your belief that it is possible to make someone love you by your actions (it's not); that love (which in this case means your "love" of him) conquers all (it doesn't); and that "broken people" (aka selfish bastards) deserve to be fixed by you, and that this act of fixing them demonstrates what a lovely and hence lovable person you are (it doesn't - seen from the outside it looks like throwing good emotional money after bad).

RubberJohnny · 27/02/2018 07:59

YOU think you might be the one he loves. YOU. You can't make him do that though. It's not impossible for you to think it but he's told you it won't happen and his behaviour is absolutely reinforcing that isn't it?

He's behaved for a few months, but now is selfish in bed, doesn't listen to you so isn't interested basically. Reducing affection, not many cuddles.
And then you get on to the woe is me stuff with ex wife. Sounds like she's had a lucky escape...maybe she'd had enough too?
Won't meet the third biggest influence in his kids lives...after six years? ....he isn't a good father.

I get the feeling you'll still be with him in a few years and your kids will suffer. I had a horrendous stepfather and wish my mum had dumped him when they were dating....he was showing his true colours in the beginning too. I'm about to start counselling for what he was like.

Totally fucked up my life. Please, please bin him. A life alone is better that putting up with his hit.

KochabRising · 27/02/2018 08:06

Debt too...

Look this is what they do. Start off charming - anyone can be charming for a few months. But the mask slips eventually. All talk of future and happiness.
But then things slip a bit - he’s selfish in bed (after a couple of months! When you should be in the honeymoon phase!) and you start tobquestion things so now he has to feel you back in.
So then the sob stories. He’s damaged. Poor lamb. But i bet if YOU just try hard enough (by not being demanding in bed, or life generally) maybe you can fix him! His ex was evil, not like you, you can fix him... blah blah.

Run a mile.

Original poster
Welshcakesareyum · 27/02/2018 08:11

I also had an awful step father (need counselling too). I would never ever put anyone before my dc's.
I am asking questions. Trying to understand. I question my judgement sometimes as I have not had a great dating experience.
I wanted to make sure it wasn't me. Sometimes I think I jave been alone so long that I'm expecting perfect. There is no perfect. We all have a past and most been hurt to a point of putting up barriers. It scares me too.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 27/02/2018 08:12

Please, please, please take a break from dating, do the Freedom Programme and work on your self-esteem. Until you do this, you'll continue to waste your time with arseholes like this. He doesn't love you, he doesn't even respect you. Get a clue!

Joysmum · 27/02/2018 08:13

In a nutshell, it’s not about finding someone to love you, but finding someone worthy of your love.

If you’re intent on finding someone to love you you’ll keep getting burnt. If you go into something with an attitude of what are they worth then you’ll do better.

KochabRising · 27/02/2018 08:21

It’s not you. He’s a twat.

However how you deal with it is you.

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