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Relationships

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Original poster

He doesn't 'do love'! What does that mean?

170 replies

Welshcakesareyum · 23/02/2018 15:37

Been seeing a guy for about 3.5 months and up until last night, never made me 2nd guess how he feels about me. Its like the effort is wearing off. It seems all about sex. Maybe thats normal to begin woth? We were chatting about families and he has mentioned meeting his 3 children. I feel like it's a bit soon but thought I'd mention him meeting mine also in time. He pulled a face, like turned his nose up and said taking 5 kids out though. I thought that was a little strange as if we are eventually going to meet each others kids, yes we have 5 between us. Then we were discussing his kids step dad (who he has never met and quite bitter about), saying I'd rather him not be in their lives. I said, wouldn't you rather them be loved by more people. He said...you can't love other people's kids. I was pretty shocked because, I had an awful experience with my step dad and have always thought (hoped) I'd meet someone that would love my kids too.
He also mentioned he doesn't do love.

OP posts:

0ccamsRazor · 27/02/2018 08:22

Op you hardly know him, a lot of your expectations are not as you have found out, based in reality, sadly he is a wanker.

You have now realised the truth of him, continue at your peril.

blackeyes72 · 27/02/2018 08:25

I think the selfishness in bed and not doing love but scare me more than the other stuff.

3 months into a new relationship is a bit soon to.start talking about blending families, I would be really scared, especially if I still wasn't too sure about my feelings.

I would focus more on the other things for now, if you feel he isn't attentive or interested enough than bin him.

Branleuse · 27/02/2018 08:25

It means he will never be able to make you happy. He will only ever make you feel insecure and fuck with your head

lightoflaluna · 27/02/2018 08:36

I get that it's hard to let go when you thought it was going to be something good.

But think of it this way; while youre trying to fix him and see past his wierd hang ups and attitude, you'll be missing opportunties to meet up with more suitable men who could be right for you.

WellThisIsShit · 27/02/2018 08:57

This:

“while youre trying to fix him and see past his wierd hang ups and attitude, you'll be missing opportunties to meet up with more suitable men who could be right for you.”

Original poster

Welshcakesareyum · 27/02/2018 09:07

Yes too early to start thinking about blended families. We were just discussing it as we were discussing my past. He also thinks it's too early but keen for me to meet his. He knows I could not possibly be a 'babysitter' as my life is too busy. So I'm sure that's not his intention. I have told him it's too soon and he has respected my decision.
I suppose I thought he could possibly love one day. I'm not saying I want to fix him. I was just trying to question/understand. I have been hurt too and truly hope I can love one day.
I guess, yes I'm disappointed as it was all going so lovely. I have never felt so comfortable with anyone. When I think about it. It has all been just words. He is working at home and I am off work all week (I never get much time as I am a student nurse and also working) and he has said see you Friday. Not that I expected to see him every day and I guess he is working but considering he tells me every day he misses me, there is no rush to see me. I mentioned to him about lunch. His answer was...i was off last week and I don't recall you taking me out for lunch. Last week I worked a 40 hours placement then 2 12 hour night shifts paid that's 64 hours. He knows I don't get help from my ex. Sunday night he was praising me and telling me I needed looking after.
Anyway as it stands.....this was last night and apparently I'm being mean

OP posts:

AdalindSchade · 27/02/2018 09:12

The 'I've been too hurt in the past to love again' line is so clichéd. Don't fall for it.

lightoflaluna · 27/02/2018 09:30

You've got a rare week off, giving lots of opportunities to do nice things, and he's keeping score because you didn't take him for lunch during your 64 hour week last week?

You sound lovely and deserve better. You work really hard and don't need this manchild taking up your headspace.

Aussiebean · 27/02/2018 09:53

Every relationship starts of nice... well it should. Everyone is on their best behaviour, they are making an effort and people are happy. It’s called the honeymoon period.

Then you get comfortable, start to relax, real life starts to get in the way. Things that you have neglected to spend time with the new person need to be dealt with.

THAT is when you start to actually see the real person you are going out with. That is when you start to decide if this person is right for you.

This is not unique to you. Every relationship goes through it. The lasting ones transition well from honeymoon to every day life. The ones that aren’t meant to be stall and everyone moves on.

There is no failure on your part. You met someone. It was nice in the beginning, but now you realise you aren’t compatible and he is not the one. Everyone on this board has gone through it.

The mistake is where you don’t recognise it for what it is. And start to compromise to make it work. Start to change who you are to make it work. Give up yourself to make it work.

Don’t bother. Move on from a relationship that shouldn’t go anywhere and find one that will.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 27/02/2018 09:58

I'm sorry OP but there really is no chance of him loving you. He is doing that really mean thing of 'keeping score' - you didn't take him out to lunch so why should he take you? That's plain nasty. And as you say, he isn't interested enough in you or your life to remember (or care) that you work long hours. He doesn't listen to you enough to remember that you have a peanut allergy. Horrible to say it but you are convenient for sex.
A man who wanted a real relationship would be interested in you, he would want to see you as much as he possibly could, he would go out of his way to make your life nicer.

I honestly don't know how much clearer he could make his lack of interest. Don't inflict him on your kids, thinking this is a poor broken man who needs rescuing. His wife may well have hurt him/behaved badly but that doesn't change the fact that he is selfish and mean.

elisenbrunnen · 27/02/2018 10:09

OP - any man who wants sex all the time, saying it's because you are so sexy, is dismissing your feelings about it!

You don't get a say in whether you have sex, or how, or whether you just cuddle or not because he can't control himself around you because you are SOOOO sexy! Grim.

He sounds absolutely awful and I don't know why you think he'd make a good partner or male role modle for your kids.

Zaphodsotherhead · 27/02/2018 10:18

If he gave up work to facilitate her career, how come he didn't get the children full time and the house? How and why did he just get 'debts'?
I think there may be more to his marriage breakdown than the 'I was hurt - I must never live again' and I think its name is 'cocklodger'.

Babdoc · 27/02/2018 10:20

If you dump him, you will be sad for a while. Not for losing him - but for losing the man you thought he was, the man you wanted him to be. Which he isn’t. He’s a selfish unloving shit, looking for sex and a domestic help.
Instead, if you stay with him, you will spend the whole rest of your life feeling sad about all the potentially loving and decent men you will now never meet, while explaining to your kids that their step dad doesn’t love them or you either.
Think about it. Please.

Original poster

Welshcakesareyum · 27/02/2018 10:36

Thankyou all so much.
I know deep down you are all right. He hasn't actually contacted me yet (he usually texts me every morning) as last night apparently I was mean. All I said was, if he missed me he would be arranging to meet, have lunch. It all got a bit heated.
I know there is more to their marriage break up. More he doesn't actually want to mention but I obviously didn't want to push it.
I can't actually believe how quick it has gone from feeling so happy to so disappointed. He will think it's all because he wouldn't take me to lunch. I don't know what to say without sounding mean?
Oh god...I have told everyone how happy I am. Feel stupid!

OP posts:

DeadButDelicious · 27/02/2018 10:52

It was always going to be your fault when things went sour. Always. Just as it was his wife's. Pay it no mind and move on. It really, really, is not you. It's him. If people ask you just tell them that things ran there course no need for embarrassment.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 27/02/2018 10:53

You can't stay with someone just because you put it on fb!
Stop thinking of yourself as sounding mean. You are not - you are merely extricating yourself from a situation that isn't good for you. You don't owe it to someone to keep having bad sex with them! Besides he doesn't seem overly concerned about being mean to you. In fact, calling you mean because you asked perfectly reasonable things is manipulative behaviour. He is doing that sulky, withdrawal of affection thing which is specifically designed to make you behave how he wants you to behave. It's open manipulation.

Ryder63 · 27/02/2018 13:14

The more you post about him, the worse he sounds. Please don't hand your happiness over to this selfish git. You are worth so much more.

He doesn't 'love' you - and he never will.

0ccamsRazor · 27/02/2018 13:16

Finish it, block and delete Op.

Or continue and have your head messed with.

Your choice.

You don't even have to talk to him. You owe him nothing.

yetmorecrap · 27/02/2018 13:34

I don't think this guy is at the same stage of having 'moved on' as you have OP. he may well be hurt and defensive still and hence says stuff like 'I don't do love'. It may be because he is scared to love again and it go wrong. However to be honest it does sound somewhat like at the moment for him its all about sex, which is fine, if you are fine about that--but clearly that's not only what you are looking for, so i would just cut your losses as its early days, otherwise I think you are just heading for more disappointment for a very long while.

lightoflaluna · 27/02/2018 13:42

Don't feel stupid! Who hasn't been led up the garden path by at lease one potential partner? Everyone you choose to tell will understand.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 27/02/2018 13:55

He is seriously not a keeper. You know this.
Don’t take on board the verbal spanking he will dish out when you end the relationship. That has nothing to do with you and is 100% his operating standard for treating you like crap. So what if he calls you a bitch? Stop caring what he thinks and stop listening to him. You do not owe him any courtesies.

Your future and your dc futures are at stake here. That is the core of your perspective, your truth, and this bloke is poison to that future. Break up however you can- mature, immature, ghost, taper off, sloppy, argumentative...the break up show down isn’t what matters. The fact that you break up is what matters. “Just do it”
and some for your dc. Good luck.

Hermonie2016 · 27/02/2018 13:57

You stated a need or want which was totally reasonable and his answer was to be defensive...red, red flag.

I wish I had MN back when I met ex.

A very, very bitter man is not someone to get mixed up with.That bitterness will always seep out.

BrendasUmbrella · 27/02/2018 19:23

He pulled a face at the thought of meeting your children, and said it's impossible to love children who aren't his. That should be enough of a red flag.

I agree with the person who said that if he was the primary care giver for the children in his marriage the majority of family courts would have kept that in place, they are all about continuity for the kids. He's spinning you whatever yarn will garner most sympathy.

Original poster

Welshcakesareyum · 28/02/2018 07:54

Update!
I told him I feel that I can't be with someone who doesn't do love. Also, someone who feels they can't love anothers child.
He has said I have taken it completely the wrong way. He is cautious of falling in love. He wants to love and be loved. He also said that he said he questions how his ex's new husband can love his kids. I explained how awful it would be if the step dad was like mine. He did say Yes, that is true. He has said he wants to take me and my dc's out for the day to meet them. He also said he does do love because he is falling in love with me. It all is just very scary but that is natural.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/02/2018 08:01

What was your response to his comments?.

More BS from him. Do not let him meet your children after only 3.5 months. Utter madness. Do not put yourself in his firing line of manipulation any longer but block and delete him. Your children will also thank you.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. Your boundaries seem very low so ideal for someone like this to have wormed his way in.

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