NC Dignity Club part 7: always wear your invisible crown

[Belonger]

A thread for anyone wanting support with going or staying in No Contact. No judgement, just lots of support. Warning: this thread can seriously increase your willpower and self esteem!

Recommend also visiting website from Natalie Lue, Baggage Reclaim, or reading her book The No Contact Rule.

Everyone seems to be looking for the positives today - well done. That TEDtalk on how to fix a broken heart is brilliant. Thanks so much.

1. Don’t search for an explanation, accept the one they gave/make your own one up but move on
2. Let them go, hope will only hold back recovery
3. Don’t idealise them, focus on how they and the relationship were wrong for you
4. Don’t indulge in thoughts and behaviours which give them a starring role in the next chapter of your life when they shouldn’t even be an extra! It’s feeding an addiction which only deepens emotional pain and complicates recovery.

I’m doing ok thanks belonger. Not feeling as intense about my nc. He said he is unable to see me because of how he feels. But is ok with messaging. I’m just losing interest really. I would have liked him as a friend, but his ‘terms’ are not so appealing. I don’t want the pressure of nc, but I won’t initiate and the whole thing seems tedious. A bit pathetic really. I’m hoping it will just fade away now.

Thanks Rhubarb. I was furious last night but I'm actually okay today. He is the pathetic one stuck in a relationship with a woman he clearly doesn't love and is sleazing onto an ex to feed his ego. I'm so above him and that behaviour.

We're on fire today ladies!

Yes Belonger if they have taught us anything it’s that we are fanciable and loveable, but it needs to be for someone who deserves it.

Well, unexpected snow has hit us again here in central France (February has been brilliant this year after no snow for six years). Unfortunately we've had no running water for a few hours. At times like these I feel very isolated as a single parent.

I've taken the time to read up on all your latest news. Yes, Belonger, you're right; everybody is on fire!

NK March 1st spells the absolute new beginning to a happy life you clearly deserve; without a wanker in the wings! Sorry, I'm feeling very direct and honest today.

Speaking of honesty, I sent a very liberating message to my NC (my communication has become more and more frank after months of fearful frustration). I told him that I had been aware for a while that he would lie about all sorts of things and that I did not understand what purpose it served him to send a message asking 'so are you free an evening this week for a drink?' several times if, yet again, nothing would ever come of it? It feels SO good. Obviously it won't change a thing in his way of being; he's 47 so too entrenched in his ways, but I'm delighted I have had the luxury of expressing those feelings to him.

Ha ha ha Getting I love wanker in the wings. Lol

No running water sounds horrible. I'm afraid our water and electricity might go as well so I'm having nice cup of tea. Weather is very bad and the whole country has been instructed to stay indoors from 4pm today.

Getting I'm so glad you are able to be frank with your NC that must be very liberating indeed.

Ladies you all seem so kick ass today and I seem to be regressing despite my head telling me to move on... Do you think its because I am poorly... I want to catch up with you lot... You are all sounding so strong

But seshi you’re on day 17? NC so you are strong! you’re doing amazingly. And being sad and up and down is normal. We will all ride out the peaks and troughs together, and then find it’s a bit smoother one day

seshi day 17 is bloody brilliant, I'll be very impressed with myself if/when I get there. Ravens right, we all have ups and downs. I know I'll be a bit flat tonight when I've not heard from my fella, despite all my words of wisdom. But I'll feel better tomorrow, and I'm sure you will too.

With it being the start of a new month, I'm thinking of goals to set myself which have nothing to do with NC. Not sure what yet. Maybe something in the house or to do with work or something. Or planning a treat for myself when I get to the end of march and am still feeling kick ass!

Good plan Belonger. New month new me. It all kicked off at the end of Jan, so Feb was my practice month. March can be for getting it right!

Following my honest message to NC today we've had the most beautiful communication. Honesty, kindness and empathy. I'm very touched and grateful. There are definitely feelings still on both sides and respect. One amazing thing is how much he has taught me not to be afraid of expressing myself; he's always present (from afar) despite/because of that.

I hasten to add this hasn't changed anything about my expectations of what could be but I'm thrilled to have him on my team, so to speak. He said, clearly, that he had been floundering under the pain of his last break up, that he had dearly wanted to see me, support me but anything more was beyond his abilities at the time. That now he felt better he could see that I had been 'a nugget of gold in three years of sadness'. That I had held onto him like a life raft after my dad had died and that he was too raw to be completely there for me. I apologised, he apologised...all good stuff.

All really good stuff Getting. It's lovely that he's come back and really expressed himself and you could too

Thank you NK. Turns out he's not a complete wanker which is good because my instinct always told me that. Well, mostly told me that

Good! Mine isn't either. He's just acting like one at the moment. Not my issue to deal with though

Absolutely NK. I told him in a message that I'd felt deeply sorry for his suffering but had felt powerless to do anything (which is what he said about me, pretty much) and that the sad reality of life is that it was up to the two of us to pick ourselves up separately. Which is what I've been doing.

I am reading your posts about a person being the catalyst but not the cause for leaving a bad marriage - but not the answer either - more of a gateway as it were.

I am feeling SO DOWN about DOM. When we last met (4th Feb?) i said that i found his lack of ordinary response to texts upsetting. So he texted me a few times on the journey home (just about the journey but kind / concerned about the drive etc). Then, after i sent the package, nothing (so I am beating self up that is why).

I had a hard Math Qu which I texted, knowing he'd not be able to resist. No reply. THAT feels like a real kick. So I am trying to think of my experience with him as the thing that made me see i have to be with someone who values my brain (exH didnt but DOM did, funnily) but it cant be him. I am SO LONELY but the thought of going looking for someone new is terrifying. Ooof.

Took my stitches out myself today. Snow is very bad here and all roads / hospitals closed. Mountain rescue are accompanying district nurses etc but there is no way I was going to call anyone out. Hot shower, sterilised nail scissors and tweezers and I did it (only 4 so not major daftness on my part!) but I thought how come I can calmly extract stitches before they over tighten and cause trouble yet I have so much issue with DOM? Life is odd.

Blimey basseting well done removing stitches!

Really sorry you're feeling down. It's like that 'no way out but through' thing, we all seem to have those moments when we face the crapness of the bloke and/or the loss of the hope that the relationship will be what we want. It stings but you can get through it.

What is it that fills you with dread about trying to meet someone new?

Well I have well and truly stamped on my Crown today... Literally let rip to him on what's app. He's been so cold and cruel.. I have been so needy, then threatening to expose him, to declaring my love. I have well and truly made a twat of myself. No going back from this... I have lost him forever. Deleted all his messages... Too ill to even get pissed

Good Lord Basseting you are fierce removing your own stitches!

Oh no Seshi. Well on a positive note he has been deleted from your life and you can finally move on

Remember ladies it is the full moon tonight so that's probably why we are all emotional

I feel like I have removed my own stitches lol 😂

Never mind seshi, at least you've had your say and got it all off your chest. Don't give yourself a hard time about it. Pop yourself a new crown on, tomorrow is another day