NC Dignity Club part 7: always wear your invisible crown

[Belonger]

A thread for anyone wanting support with going or staying in No Contact. No judgement, just lots of support. Warning: this thread can seriously increase your willpower and self esteem!

Recommend also visiting website from Natalie Lue, Baggage Reclaim, or reading her book The No Contact Rule.

Def block and defriend if that's what you want oldbrook. Who cares what he thinks? If he decides to assume it's because you care, that's his business. The only thing that actually matters is whether or not it helps you! I don't give a stuff about looking cool or indifferent, why should we put up with something that feels uncomfortable just because we think we should look cool? That stuff is for teenagers!

Thanks so much everyone. I can't discuss this in real life so here is my life line and you're all so wonderful. You're all going through your own distress and yet can reach out and support others.

I've woken up calm this morning. I've deleted every single message from him and I've turned myself offline on sm so I can't see if he is online anymore and I won't be checking either going forward. I just came to the realisation it's all just surface chat. He doesn't tell me anything about his feelings or if he's had a bad day and clearly doesn't want to hear mine. He has responded in the past if I've explicitly said I'm upset but my goodness I've really had to be blunt. Last night he said he was horny and I said you should really move your gf in and then he said he said oh I better stop texting now, clearly annoyed that I reminded him he had a gf. I didn't even dignify him with a response.

Belonger you speak so much sense!

I sure can and will do it Oldbrook. Yes his poor gf. Mutual friends have mentioned she is lovely. Imagine being with someone for 3 yrs and when they are asked if they love you they say 'It's a work in progress'. She deserves so much better than him. Thank goodness I never engaged in any of that 'I'm horny' talk. I always deflected it back to the fact he had a gf.

So the 1st March Belonger. Big handhold from me. He is blocked on all but one sm site isn't that right?

So many of these men want the flattery and the " you make me feel wanted " . Isn't that what your GF or WIFE is for ?? Wankers .

I agree that it now being March is a bit - not sure of the word - upsetting/uplifting/better/worse - as it takes my NC further from me . I can now say it is 2 months more or less since I was with him . That gives me alternate hope but sadness too .

You totally rock nk, you really do. I'm sorry he's been a let down, and maybe things will be different some time in the future, but you're really right to leave him to his horniness and his gf until you've dealt with your own challenges. He's not a source of support unfortunately.

And I hope this isn't a horrid thing to say but you describing him is reminding me why I want to steer clear of my guy too - I can really relate to that 'let me talk about how horny I am, but nothing else actually' thing. Yes, 1st March, I've managed to resist unblocking him and will try not to check the sm where he has the choice to unblock me. I need to set myself a new goal, maybe I'll start gently and say the end of the weekend.

Well done to all of us who have made it through another day!

The block and delete decision is so hard, I know it’s one of the reasons my NC stated for why we’re not compatible (I had 101 reasons! His one and only seemed to be...) that I could drop him like a hot stone the minute I wanted out. I did it once before, after an awful incident when the police were involved. They advised me to block him. He was horrified that I was able to shut him out so callously after all our time together.

When my counsellor said this time that I had to block him for my own sanity I said “but he’ll think I’m cold and mean” and she said it doesn’t matter what he thinks, you know you’re not. It’s for you own protection. So don’t worry if you think it sends the wrong message or that you said you wouldn’t, just do it and free yourself from the tyranny of checking!

It is honestly liberating. He did try on my home phone a couple of times (not because he wanted to speak to me, just needed something “very important” that couldn’t be done over email!) so if he tries that again I’ll block him on there too.

I don’t know how to block email but tbh it’s ok to me having one avenue of communication open, even though I still read email notifications with squinted eyes just to see if it’s him and compose myself before I open them. Need to stop that! But he knows my business names so could easily go through work emails if he ever wanted to bypass my blocks. It’s just the main ones on my mobile that I needed to delete so that I can get on with my day without anxiety.

Inspiration for us all

They sound quite similar Belonger. I actually feel grand. I think he is quite tragic to be sleazing around an old ex when he has a gf. She is welcome to him.

I don't mean this in a big headed way but in every aspect of life I am better than him. I have so much more integrity, have aged better, am kinder and have a better career. In the future I need someone on a par with me, not under par.

Myrelationship sounds like you've been through an awful lot but your counsellor sounds great

the catalyst but not the cause for leaving unhappy marriages and then going on to great things including meeting other men that are worthy Oldbrook this is a good way to see things. Sometimes you are not ready to see that there are other ways until someone shows you how things could be. I hope you both see that while these men are not the right ones they have shown you that your H isn't either!

Thanks NK, tbh it always felt like a happy relationship, 90% absolute bliss, 5% heartache, 5% total pain! It's only looking back that I see how stifled I was and how much his wishes overruled mine even during the 90%. I have mainly happy memories of him, which is why its so hard.

I have just contacted the POF guy and wished him well but said I'm not ready for POF yet, as I joined as a rebound from my ex and need to sort myself out before inflicting myself on someone else! Feels like a relief, which says something!

Oldbrook yes I think you could be 100% correct. I guess I'll always be grateful to him for making me realise I can't stay with H. But he isn't the answer either. I can't even say I'm heartbroken over this. I feel ready to move on already which is strange.

Myrelationship I'm so glad you heeded the advice from Anxious re: POF guy. That was a brave and positive step

I feel so much stronger already Oldbrook and so ready to leave him and his weird relationship behind

And mine served an important purpose in reminding me of how damn sexy I am! He def reawakened that aspect of me.

Oh yes Belonger that too. Mine definitely has the hots for me. His poor gf

nk that realisation when they don’t actually care about your feelings or needs at all is quite tough. Yes they like you, but more how you make them feel and what you do for them. Once you notice it, it is very hard not to unnotice is and you see it all the time. Whether it’s them being horny over you or using you to talk about themselves, it becomes tiresome and starts to make you feel pretty rubbish. I don’t think they do it on purpose either, but that doesn’t make it any better though.
But they also served a purpose for us in some way otherwise we wouldn’t have allowed it to happen.

Hi rhubarb how are you doing?