NC Dignity Club part 7: always wear your invisible crown

[Belonger]

A thread for anyone wanting support with going or staying in No Contact. No judgement, just lots of support. Warning: this thread can seriously increase your willpower and self esteem!

Recommend also visiting website from Natalie Lue, Baggage Reclaim, or reading her book The No Contact Rule.

@belonger thank you event went well although I was burning up with a temperature and it took us ages to get back home...

Love seeing kids play in the snow... There is something innocent about it... Going to collect my DS soon too

NK I was meant to travelling with kids to meet for day. I then had surgery and train tickets £££ for all of us so I sent him a letter, the £ for a ticket for him, and asked if he could come up. I sent it signed for (as cash inside) and he did but I've not had a reply. He will be embarrassed at me sending £ and feel manipulated I expect. He would prefer it if i turned up, perfumed and unencumbered, listened to him, shagged him and then floated off again, twice a week-ish. Of course as we are both church mice and live 400m apart it is not so easy. The fact I told him in the letter i felt he had 'a moral duty' to me wont have gone down well. One of my more pompous moments.

Also, being slightly more holy than the Pope he may have given me up for Lent!

OldBrook I read your post about how people reacted or reached out after your loss. I was very surprised after my dad died to see colleagues who I hardly knew being very kind and supportive whilst certain friends who I believed would be there in the background with the odd message who remained silent. My grief was such that I just closed in on myself, and my family, so I didn't mind too much. Some weeks later admitted not to have known what to say as it touched a raw nerve in them.

My NC man was amazingly supportive with regular messages. One of the reasons I hung around so much hoping for more with him.

People are very surprising.

Sorry, OldBrook, I meant to write I read your post with interest.

I also meant to say I hope you are ok through it all. Grief makes us react in surprising ways at times. It has been a rollercoaster for me.

Feel better soon seshi My NC is also in the same big city but our worlds will never collide, so like you there’s no chance we’ll meet. It makes me sad to know I won’t hear from him again. I’m going to try to do the 30 days NC but then may contact. Do you want him back? Or just to be over him?

Sorry to hear of your bereavement oldbrook

Yes I've only told a few people about impending separation and I'm surprised at some people and their lack of checking in with me. I expect when it all comes out in the wash I'll be even more surprised.

Basseting sorry I did know that story of yours. I thought you had sent something today calling him up on not checking to see if you were safe

oldbrook "Echoing what belonger says I think the thing I learn from nc is what a small part of my life he is. In many ways he’s a big part but while nc makes you sad and wobbly, the world still turns. They are an addiction but they are not oxygen"

This is exactly it ! His physical appearance in my life was relatively small in the scale of things but his mental presence by messages and my brain mush was all encompassing 24 hours a day . Now there is no physical presence and no messages . My brain just needs to catch up
.

I know brains are lazy and take the easy way out and I am trying to not listen to the "chatter " that it produces. I am only now realising how much my brain was skewed while I was " with him" . At the time I thought it was wonderful whereas now I see the negative side of it .

My snow has disappeared so am getting out to keep busy . Hope everyone has a good day x

@ravens I am ashamed to say that I still want him back

Don't be ashamed seshi, it is what it is. We're all just human after all.

You might feel differently after your time NC, you might not. But you will have a clearer view of things, that's for sure.

Dont be ashamed Seshi
I'd give anything to go back to last summer with DOM too.
(or indeed 25 yrs ago).

I just had a msg from MF.
'I hope i didnt upset you with my last msg. i felt it was getting a bit intense msging every day. i hadnt thought how my wife might feel. it's complicated: things you dont want me to tell her about but also things she doesnt want me to tell you. trying to honour both relationships whilst being honest in both. i never forgot why i liked you so much. sorry again.'

Thank you ladies... I am just focusing on 30 days... If I can get to that it has to be a positive... But the thought of never contacting him again is too much at the moment....
I know we all say this all the time but I literally could not have got through the past few weeks without this support... X I really value all your opinions and strength...

Bless him basseting, he sounds like he's trying his best, decent guy. But more hassle than it's worth

Yes, Belonger it does. I hope that means he wont speak to his wife about the stuff i've told him (childhood but v personal).

My first thought was: 'NC works' - if only i'd done that with DOM (a classic case of NC working if Id done at the right time, now its too late!)

seshi we are all bloody awesome, no question!

You're doing brilliantly, just keep taking it one day at a time. When I first joined this gang at Christmas, I was literally having to take it an hour at a time, I was finding it so hard. Managed two weeks then. Even managed to ignore him for a few more days when he started contacting me again.

Then we got friendly and chatty again but he was just trying to get me back into bed, and I realised for the gazillionth time that I can't be just friends with him. Hence starting again!

And now I'm feeling good about NC, proud of myself and how much I've learned about my strength along the way. Still have wobbles, and am nervous about him possibly renewing his contact, but am in such a stronger headspace now.

If you'd done it with the other guy you'd be with him now and he'd be treating you like crap - we'd be sending in the troops to get you out of his clutches!

Belonger do you mean me? 'sending in the MN Dignity Club Troops'?

I LIKEthat thought!

emotional 'search and rescue' to prevent 'self friendly fire' etc.

We're on our way basseting

@belonger lol 😂

Ah bless him Basseting he has fallen hard for you. He sounds thoroughly decent

Belonger that pic is scarily accurate. snow encroaching up windowsills. am about to traipse out for food and fuel with kids in car. eeek.....

NK I sent a reply to MF, saying: 'No worries, dont apologise. We always got on well, we still do and 'catch ups' can be intense, BUT you are married and I'm all strung out over someone else so neither of us is avail and that is fine. Happy to have occasional emails if you like. Hope all well with you and S (wife).'

I’ve realised in a way that this NC thing isn’t helping me get over him. If anything it’s just helping me delude myself he didn’t dump me we’re just ‘in a break’ and he’ll welcome me back when I do get in touch. The thought of that not working has made me very sad. I want him back too :(

Basseting that was a really lovely response to MF.

Ravens what day are you on? I'm on NC 3 (as in the 3rd time going NC) and it's much easier than NC 1 and 2. I'm actually okay about it. I can't make him feel some thing if he doesn't feel it. I have very strong feelings for him but he needs to feel the same. I've no idea if he's holding out until I'm available. If he isn't I'll have to accept it and move on. I know he finds me attractive and deeply regrets messing things up 17yrs ago. I don't know what his current feelings are beyond physical attraction. It may never be enough