NC Dignity Club part 7: always wear your invisible crown

[Belonger]

A thread for anyone wanting support with going or staying in No Contact. No judgement, just lots of support. Warning: this thread can seriously increase your willpower and self esteem!

Recommend also visiting website from Natalie Lue, Baggage Reclaim, or reading her book The No Contact Rule.

NK
It is hard when you are waiting for the mask to slip I think?
You'd like to be incorrect about the inevitability of it, but somehow you know, deep in the pit of your stomach, that it will.
My exH has been around a bit lately to 'look after the kids' whilst my minor surgery heals. He 'wants to help' - that = him shouting in my face how 'much he wants to help' through gritted teeth.I want him to parent his kids (fails to feed them, check they have coats, brushed teeth, done homework etc but goes for a lovely walk and brings them home 1 hour late for Sunday dinner covered in mud etc. they are 10 and 13 but asd so still need more input than most kids their age). I left him 18m ago and it has been such a relief not to feel frightened any more. I felt frightened again on Sunday but later I felt so angry too.
I used to joke with NC: 'you'll never keep this up you know!' but he didnt like me referencing the fact that we both knew he was doing his 'rescue the princess white knight' stuff when actually he is incapable of making me so much as a cup of coffee. H too. And so aggressive (H not NC, his only 'good point'? but then the bar is pretty low)

I’m really missing him today :(
For me this NC is a hope to get him back. He isn’t contacting me or wanting to
I’m getting angry about the break-up, he wasn’t very fair to me. But I love him and would have loved a chance to work things out. The two of us were fine - he loved me, fancied me, liked spending tine with me. But the pressures of life made it hard for us to make it work. I’m hoping that stepping back for a bit and taking a break will make him realise we had something worth saving.
We were so well suited and both agreed we’d been lucky to find each other.

Sorry for this drivel - but it helps me writing it down today Thank you

For me NC is to get my head and my heart to line up. My heart says I still love him and that he can give me everything I want (marriage, a baby). My head says I need to fall out of love with him and that I don't deserve to be emotionally abused. Being in touch with him means I can't get that mental distance and so will end up being convinced by him that we should be together and that I'm wrong.

Day 5. What would I change?
I’m actually really proud of myself. I’m doing everything right! NC, getting on with my life.
When my marriage broke down I begged and pleaded and cried which was exactly what not to do. Didn’t work either (later found out he lied about the OW). So I am being the best version of me that I can right now.
But it’s hard not to miss him

Rather tragic but there are sites on web like ‘get you ex back’. Have to admit looking at them. They all say go NC...

My motivation is to move on and get him out of my system, always has been. And to get my dignity back. And to learn what I was avoiding by obsessing about him.

Have achieved a fair bit of that, but I know I have to keep it up. I can't be 'just friends' with him because a) he triggers too much desire in me, and b) he's actually pretty dull, without the sex

That’s the handy thing though (and maybe why those sites recommend NC) because either they will realise what a massive mistake they made when you’re not in their life, or you will be so busy filling your life with other things and people that you won’t care if they don’t. Hopefully win win, but you have to be open to either outcome.

The old saying “what’s meant for you won’t pass by you” springs to mind. I’m not a great believer in fate but the way things worked out, it was pure chance that I met NC in the first place (I mean I clicked on him on POF, but then I did that for hundreds of men!). If he was really supposed to change his narcissistic ways and have an epiphany that I’m his soul mate then he would. never gonna happen I know but its more likely that someone more suitable comes along and all the confidence and sexual awakening I got with NC will help me in a new relationship. Not everyone is meant to be in your life forever: Reason, season, lifetime.

Belonger, that’s got to help!

@Belonger That last bit made me smile.

It doesn’t change the outcome but makes me feel less bad about getting as sucked in as I did. I don’t feel embarrassed and pathetic anymore. None of us are pathetic or have any need to be embarrassed - there’s no shame in feeling deeply. unless you’re the woman on the art gallery thread

NK it does help when you can see them for who they really are doesn’t it. You start to doubt yourself, maybe he’s not so bad. Then his mask slips as you say. Let’s all be thankful for poorly fitting masks!

oh the Art Gallery thread is FAB....
I am having THE most crap morning after a night of no sleep.
Feeling massively angry at the world.
But the Art Gallery Thread is cheering me right up

What’s the art gallery thread - can someone link?

It is in AIBU: 'Dh embarrassed by my sensitivity'

There was some debate whether it was hairy handed but MNHQ have let it stand. It seems the OP has extremely emotional reactions to Art etc but it is very funny and not unkind :) enjoy!

Hello all

NK sorry your husbands being an arse, but good that you absolutely know for sure that separation from him is the right way forward, whether anything happens with NC or not.

oldbrook totally with you on your motivation for going nc - to forget him. Same here. Not to try to win him back.

Ravenscloak sorry you're missing him so much today. It's so wierd how it ebbs and flows doesn't it? The last time I posted, which was only 3 days ago I felt at rock bottom. But the last couple of days I've felt much better, I haven't cried at all, strangely I suddenly feel more detached. But I'm aware that sometimes it's one step forward two steps back, and something could happen tomorrow to plunge me backwards.

Belonger love todays mission and your steadfastness and dignity. You are an inspiration.

Bloody great that on day 19 you're feeling acceptance. I feel a bit like that too ... I feel like I've grieved that we'll never have sex again, never kiss, never hug, never have emotional intimacy etc, and have suddenly come out the other side. Yay!

Hello to everyone else

Bassetting I was reading that thread too, hilarious!!
Hope you're having a better afternoon, after your crap morning.

belonger YES!!!! to this " A few people have mentioned their NC guy awoke something in them or gave them something they never had with anyone else. I had that too. And it's easy to believe that they are our only chance if ever getting that thing whether it's passion or deep connection or feeling heard. But I wonder if our job is to take that awakening, that new experience, and make it our own - really believe that we deserve it and can find it in lots of things and people and in ourselves. Like take the spark that the NC guy brought and fan it ourselves, to a fire that we control. Not assume that they are the only source."

oldbrook My NC is so that I do not want this guy anymore , so that I lessen the "hold" he has over my mind ( and body )

Struggling a bit today as snow has cancelled lunch plans so am at a bit of a loose end .

thepartinglass oops ....have been on WhatsApp too much today ....but I won't contact .

tardis you can either opt out of your situation now ( VERY difficult I know) OR you can hang on in the hope that he changes his mind . Have you actually had a discussion with him about this ? If you do , you may well find that it leads to the end of this relationship - if he becomes aware of your feelings then he may want to stop if he is any kind of friend to you at all.

You need to work out if the pain you are experiencing is worth the joy . The feelings are natural with all the emotion and sex - chemicals . They usually kick in within 48 hours and that's when you get the "I can't do this anymore " days. I grew to accept it as "normal" although one day I burst into tears in the supermarket after leaving him .

My NC started out in a similar situation ( as in about sex but I did know him prior to that ) but it went off the rails when he started having feelings and telling me about them . This then encouraged reciprocation by me however when it was discussed he started to back off . He wanted the boyfriend experience without the commitment . He wanted the emotional intimacy with the sex but when push came to shove he pulled away and basically dumped me. I subsequently found out that he was actually married . How stupid am I ? You need to talk about it and if he is adamant that he does not want more then you have to make a decision . Best of luck !

Can I ask for opinions on this pls?

After I left my H 18m ago I made contact with a number of old school / Uni friends, online. One was my old 6th form boyfriend (like 30 yrs ago...) I'd lived in a very unhappy home, he lived a very unhappy home and we'd been very close.. He went to Uni a year before me. I went off to the Big City, then Uni a couple of years later. We lost touch. He was delighted to hear from me and we quickly 'caught up' online. He has done very well. He married a woman a fair bit older and had two kids, both 10 yrs older than mine, We live a long distance apart but agreed to meet at a Museum for Lunch and wandered around until teatime when he got his train. It was great to see him again. We got on famously after all these years, talked politics, kids, spouses etc. No flirting or any physical contact not even a peck hello/goodbye. He said that we 'might not be able to meet again as his wife wasnt very happy' and I said: 'fine, too far for regular meets anyway, but pls emphasize to her that I have only thought of you as a friend since about 1988..! :)
After I get back we continue to msg every so often. I am writing a book about my childhood and he offers to read the relevant parts (he had made some helpful comments at the Lunch). I send him a bit and he says how much it has upset him (fair comment re content). He sends flowers, wine & a postcard saying 'how lovely' I am. I tell hi about DOM and how destroyed I've been by it. He listens.
Last week he was talking about a ring of mine i'd lent him to wear when we were 16 but asked him to return when we split ( it was unusual/valuable and had been a present from my mother). he has been searching for a replica online and he talked about it quite a bit. sent me some music etc about 20 msgs last week, contact most days

Then Sat am I get an email entitled:
'I am a Bad Man': he says he needs to stop msg so much - wants to be my friend but getting too much/thinking about you too much, feeling conflicted, cant spk to my wife about it..dont want to keep it secret, got to stop myself speaking to you so much, not suggesting we stop all contact but must be less, etc.
He said: 'I am in the wrong, it is not anything you've done it is what I am doing that troubles me.. sorry if you feel I am mucking you about I just thought it best to be honest'.

Hmmm.
I dont feel upset like re DOM but I do feel annoyed. He wanted me to share this v private info and then, not long after I get this 'I am a Bad Man' stuff. I am now worried he will share the info (with his wife?) so I am tempted to msg back saying: 'delete, delete, delete'.
Ignored so far. What do you all think?

crap that was long - sorry

Thanks so much all of you I think you are all wonderful too.

I'm quite possibly having the worst day in a long time. H went ballistic at me this morning and I'm fairness has apologised but not without blaming me for loads of things. I had a meeting first thing with my boss who said some things that have made it impossible for me to stay. Another person walked out last week so not just me having issues in work. Then NC ignored the message I sent yesterday (which didn't need a response but messaging ended abruptly). He's the least of my worries but another slap across the face today.

I'm so sorry I can't even concentrate on what other people are saying about themselves today. My apologies

Basetting id just leave it tbh. Sounds like his experience of your meet up was very much old flames seeing if the spark is still there rather than old friends catching up. If he’s worried what his wife thinks (& knows she’s not happy about it) his intentions were all wrong from the start.

Personally I’d make him a new NC! You’ve lived without him all these years, do it again and be sure to only make space for good men in your life x

Oh no NK sorry you’re having such a shit day. Not what you need on top of everything else. How urgently do you need to find something else? Do you have options?

If there’s no way you can stay then try to see it as a chance to break away from all the old patterns and habits. Moving on big style. You’ll be ok. If there’s one thing that’s constant it’s change.