NC Dignity Club part 7: always wear your invisible crown

[Belonger]

A thread for anyone wanting support with going or staying in No Contact. No judgement, just lots of support. Warning: this thread can seriously increase your willpower and self esteem!

Recommend also visiting website from Natalie Lue, Baggage Reclaim, or reading her book The No Contact Rule.

I got in touch. Not opened. No real surprise.

Evening all, for those really wanting to message, can you hold on until Friday? Some of us are agreeing on Friday.

Not looking at whatsapp as much is massive!

NK We are here if you want to talk about it.

Oldbrook. Yes an addicts hit. Whether it be contacting him or vice versa or ignoring etc. It gives a high then wears off sadly. Well done on day 12.

I am ok today. Annoyed at 'them' them being all men in my life over the age of 20.

Hi @anxiousnow Can I hate them too?

I'm keen to reach Friday, although my NC plan is forever (but in manageable chunks obviously otherwise it's too daunting). 😕

Hey all, well I think I have turned a corner from yesterday! I'm feeling pretty damn happy and confident, caught myself walking out of work with a slight sway in my step and smile on my face.

I can't believe the needy, insecure person I have been lately. I've never needed anyone to validate my worth but for some reason I let myself go down that route and ended up at the mercy at what I believed someone else thought of me.

I've haven't worn my heart on my sleeve for a long time so yeah that sucked but it's surprised me and some close to me that I can be such a softie. Maybe I'm finally ready to let a partner in and I can count this as my trial run. Never really got off the starting block but ho hum

Some part of me does want to message him and let him know its all cool but fuck it, why? Best thing I can do is get on with being happy and comfortable with myself. We'll pick up our friendship at some stage.

zoo absolutely! Hate away yes Friday is just a step.

little glad to hear about the sway maybe he just came as a lesson to show you can.

OK I have looked at WhatsApp twice more so a total of 4 but that is a massive improvement and no more tonight ! There are so many of these posts I could have written myself - it's almost spooky .

I don't know anxious. I had some conversations with various friends over the weekend when I was drunk and very upset, got a few home truths. I'm guilty of being very closed and sending mixed messages myself because I've been so commitmentphobic throughout the years. Perhaps I brought some of it on myself, we could have had something but I blew it. Perhaps as one said the reason I've lost it so much is because I know he's unavailable now? I'm a competitive lassie too, I hate to lose

The human psyche and our motivations eh, can we ever truly figure them out? I do love him, that hasn't changed but maybe with a bit of time it can go back to love of one of my closest friends. NC will be the way ahead for a little while but more until I know I'm strong enough to deal with our current situation.

bloody for you for the reduction in stalking

But little it sounds like you have learnt a lot. Have you ever read about attachment styles? You may find it interesting. It has a lot to do with our childhood but in my case it is more to do with H cheating. That changed my attachment style.

@teensandfuture hope you are ok

I have also decided to stop looking at Online Dating for now and that I have to grieve properly my NC - Bloody you're right of course. I signed up for POF thinking a bit of flirtation would give me a boost, but none of them are him and even the nice ones, I can't imagine wanting to kiss them let alone sleep with them. It's a band aid for a broken heart, but what we all need is to love ourselves enough without needing one of these arseholes to give us a boost.

It feels like a bereavement so I guess there's no reason why any of us should be moving on and getting over it. It will take time to grieve for the relationship we had, the one we wished it was and the future we'll never have.

MyGast, a new start might be just the thing. I've considered moving too, but am stuck local for schools, so in the meantime I'm doing DIY, trying to make everything nice where I am.

Zoo I remember reading the Vegas post and thinking you were strong not to be swept up in the romance of that. When you love someone and they offer you that, nobody else sticking their oar in, just you two, it is so tempting. You're far along enough to see it for what it was and that's brilliant.

Little that's amazing, you are the goal!

Wowee was I tempted though! We were on the phone at the time - I even checked to see if I had my passport before I realised just how insane and utterly terrible that idea was. I had to block

Oops, posted too soon.

I had to block him at work after that as he kept bombarding me with emails saying how it would solve all our problems. He doesn't get it. He probably never will. There's no way he can change if he doesn't understand.

I love it! Vegas weddings are notoriously a bad idea, but never more so than in this case. Bullet dodged.

I may have considered the exact same idea not that long ago

Evening all.

Well done bloody with the reduced checking. I have managed to reduce mine a bit but not to your level.

anxious glad to hear you sounding a bit stronger and same for oldbrook

For the newbies, welcome. This thread has been invaluable to me, especially in the early days. It is great to hear the wisdom and also the dips as it means we are normal and treading a normal path. It is sometimes hard to talk in real life I find, even good friends get bored of hearing about it and don't really understand. Everyone on here does and that has been such a comfort.

No, and I think that's the freeing part, when you realise that no matter how many times you explain how you feel, what you need etc that actually they will never get it. Then you can let it go. Just have to keep remembering that part. How about a group tattoo session - we could all get a big "NC - DON'T REPLY!!" tattooed on our forearms

I haven't read into it anxious but have heard of it along the way, will have to google. I know I reacted badly to my parents tumultuous realtionship when I was a teenager. They went through a very bad patch and one cheated, I acted out by sleeping with everyone who came my way. Exh left me with a lot of issues too, how cold he turned in the last few years together and it took a long time to get over that worthless and unwanted feeling. Again I went off the rails and then later closed myself down to putting myself into a situation of ever feeling like that again. It's hit me hard feeling unwanted again but that's more my issues now I believe.

Hi itsalottery . Indeed, even the ones who text every now again saying "how are you doing" don't actually want to hear the ins and outs of what you have/haven't said to him and how much you've cried today. I've resorted to a generic "been better, but soldiering on, you?" but I don't want them to stop asking, as it really helps to know people are thinking of you.

Can't remember if I've mentioned it on this thread, but I've been reading into codependency and found a local meeting for CoDA (codependents anonymous - a bit like AA for your heart instead of your liver!) Worth having a read around it for all of us I imagine. I certainly recognise myself in it.

Hiiii itsa how are you doing?

myrelationship I was honestly thinking of a new tattoo... guys group NC tat but would have to have a crown of course

little sorry to hear that. Your parents bad patch and your marriage. Definitely have a read if you can. It doesn't fix anything bit may help you understand more.

myrelationship sounds interesting. Are you going to go to a meeting? I would probably end up thinking I could 'fix' all the men and end up with a room of NC's

Yes I did wonder if it's a bit like those sex addict groups in movies where everyone ends up shagging each other, we'd all just end up in dysfunctional relationships with each other!

I'd like to go, the woman I texted didn't give much away but then I worried I was being too needy as she wasn't as friendly as I wanted her to be. I really need to go don't I?!

Hi amxious that is so funny (although obviously not at the same time). I am doing good, still checking the sm a bit but much less and getting to care much less. How are you doing? You seem to have perked up a bit from your down period. I really hope so.

myrelationship it does not make you needy to wish she was more friendly. You have been having a hard time so quite normal to be more sensitive than normal. And the fact that you were brave enough to contact them and they know you are doing so for reasons of feeling hurt then one would expect compassion on the other end of the phone.