NC Dignity Club part 7: always wear your invisible crown

[Belonger]

A thread for anyone wanting support with going or staying in No Contact. No judgement, just lots of support. Warning: this thread can seriously increase your willpower and self esteem!

Recommend also visiting website from Natalie Lue, Baggage Reclaim, or reading her book The No Contact Rule.

Good on you Oldbrook. I'd say he knows you mean business now

Hi Oldbrook well done ignoring the message

Let us know what he says NK

I am not messaging either men. I have decided. I will reevaluate on Friday. I am not apologising either.

Hi, I’ve been reading baggage reclaim and browsing the NC threads on here. Hope it’s not too late to join you all. I’ve been reading your posts and wishing you well.

I was advised to go NC by my counsellor as I’m dealing with the end of my 5 year relationship. I was 90% deliriously happy, but that was based on me being a Stepford Wife, being everything he wanted me to be, which I was happy to do in order to be cherished, it was a mutually devoted relationship.

But the minute I stepped outside of what he wanted me to be, expressing any opinions or needs of my own, requesting anything from him, it was toxic and according to my counsellor, verbally abusive. If get called a cunt, told that he would talk to me however he chose, that I was mental etc that if I wanted him out of my house I would have to call the police. But then afterwards he would apologise, say I was just as bad because I sometimes call him a dick. Say me telling him to go was hurtful and made him feel unwanted (which he was, as generally I don’t have house guests who call me a cunt!) and make me feel guilty for being ‘over-sensitive’.

I knew it wasn’t right but I cling on to the happy times, how loving he was, how kind and thoughtful. But when my counsellor handed me print outs about abuse and toxic relationships I just crumbled.

I returned all his stuff and blocked him on SM/mobile straight away so that I wasn’t tempted to contact him or to be watching out for messages/calls. Had a hiccup about day 5 when he asked me to meet him “just to end things on a nicer note” and I ended up kissing him and holding hands. Totally confusing us both. He then told me he knew all he had to do was get me there and I’d be all over him

Another week or two of NC then he contacted me by email on my birthday. I responded,
as I don’t want him to hate me or think I’m cold. I at least got the chance to tell him how hard it is (for us both, I know) and end it on a better note.

He then called my home phone on Friday to see if he’d left his passport here that he needed urgently, but then found it at his house. Unnecessary drama, as usual.

I was out shopping yesterday and I drove past him, locking eyes for a split second as he drove past in slow mo. Then burst into tears in the car park.

I’m not sure what I want from NC, other than to let my heart catch up with head because I keep falling in that same bloody hole in the sidewalk!

Sorry that was so long. Should have just said hi first!

I want him to wonder what I’ve been up to. We used to WhatsApp frequently. I’m hope the silence is a big change.
Well done to all those not messaging!

Welcome My. NC is very helpful for clarity. You're at the right place

Hi myrelationship

Anxious he responded positively to the photo. In fairness I know he is physically attracted to me. Sometimes with him I worry it's all physical attraction

Hush that inner critic NK no way after all these years it is just physical.

Hi myrelationship hope we can help you stick to NC. I have set myself a timeline of Friday then to reassess. Do you think you are ready to do that with me? He does sound abusive. Sorry he has treated you like that.

You are a strong woman NK. What touches me is the few times you've admitted to wondering or worrying about your man such as in your previous post just now. The anxiety about this is different to how you seem generally and is indicative of your strong feelings for him.

I think I knew we were heading for trouble when the biologist suddenly showed signs of intense worrying about the way he'd written a message or the way I'd expressed myself in one of mine. It's generally a sign of caring a lot/too much when that happens.

ravens he probably has noticed but hopefully rather than going NC just to get him back, in time, you will no longer care.

Thank you OldBrook! But I think it's anxiousnow who's aiming to hold out until Friday. As far as I'm concerned I'm not making contact first. Simple as that.

Was it hard resisting to his message OldBrook?

Anxious good idea to set Friday as a timeline. I can't join you this time as I wont be initiating again at the moment.

Getting yes I do have very strong feelings. I hate not knowing his intentions.

Oldbrook good idea about writing every thing down. I'll chuck it in my fire.then

It's so great we have such a safe refuge on here

Another one of those weird things that we can attach too much importance to when emotionally invested: on Friday evening I had a strong inkling that the biologist's birthday was during the tail end of the year (don't ask me why). Yes!, he replies. I said December or November? He replied November. Me too, I say. Transpires his birthday is just 2 days before mine.

I'm sure he'll notice OldBrook but maybe not with the same intensity we'd be guilty of, I don't think?

Does your counselling advise how your nc should be ie tell him you want to go nc or just not contacting him yourself? She said it's basically an addiction and that every time I go back for a hit, I have to go through withdrawal again, regardless of who instigates it. Texting, looking at old photos etc is like Nicorette or Methodone, it's a substitute for him and it's keeping the addiction alive.

I said I had to reply if he contacted me or he would think I was mean and cold. Her response "so? Are you?" well no, so then why does it matter what he thinks. That's been hard, as we spent 5 years totally entwined, so I don't want his memories of our time tainted by the idea that I'm an awful person, just ghosting him. That's why I'm glad I got the chance to show him, both with the false start/kissing etc and the reply to his email, that I do love him, but I still think it's best (in my higher brain, not my heart or indeed pants!!) to split up.

Like an addict I have a choice I suppose between saying I will never touch him again in any way (which feels huge and daunting), or I'm taking one day at a time and making a choice today not to have him in my life. It's more manageable that way.

That’s really helpful My. I’m not sure how long I’m going to leave it but will aim for Friday too!

My relationship try to think if his smug reaction knowing he could get you back. He knows you are not a bad person. The only time I actually advocate ghosting is in an abusive relationship.

I failed anyway but thanks. I just messaged 10 minutes ago. No reply. He replies within minutes if he is going to. He then again went online to probably tell whoever that the crazy lady has been in touch again. I really need to just stop. He has made it clear, whether he thinks i was sent by fete or not, or however messed up or unfair it is, that he no longer wants any form of communication. Please please whatever way I present it to you guys please tell me no more messaging. I have apologised. He doesn't care. Done.

NK oo let's all have an online meet up by your fire. I am freezing. Hope H is being ok.

getting That is another spooky thing isn't it.

My he's the awful person not you. He sounds like he deserves no more than complete ghosting and it would be a product of his own behaviour.