NC Dignity Club part 7: always wear your invisible crown

[Belonger]

A thread for anyone wanting support with going or staying in No Contact. No judgement, just lots of support. Warning: this thread can seriously increase your willpower and self esteem!

Recommend also visiting website from Natalie Lue, Baggage Reclaim, or reading her book The No Contact Rule.

I know this sounds weak... and I know I said to never let me message lookalike again but I keep thinking of messaging. Things that would prompt him to reply. Desperate... Yes maybe. Back to Bloody's comment about people coming and going. But I feel I have forced him.into a corner of not being able to contact me due to my insults in my last message. Would it be so terribly bad if I messaged and just briefly apologised for name calling and it was just because I was hurt?

I know it is desperate... But I feel like I have nothing to lose. If he still ignores me then at least I haven't left it as me being a bitvh and if he responds then good. Unless he responds calling me unhinged...

He said it was fete me coming into his life so why would he let that go without giving it a chance?

@Bloody I have ran today and spent the entire run thinking of him... Just watched football as well knowing he would be watching the same match... I am getting worse... Don't know why.... I am allowing myself to think that if I feel the same way next week I may reach out...

I've done that too anxious. Usually telling him what a bastard he is, or telling him I will tell his wife even though I know I won't. I'm really trying not to anymore because I know he would only be replying to mollify me and save his own slimy skin. He still wants to make things work between us, said he loves me and is genuine. But if that was the case he would have acted on it by now and how on earth can we work on something while he is still actively in a relationship with someone else. I can't get my head round the man.
He doesn't deserve any messages.
At the moment it feels like the pain will never end

For me - I want my NC back - desperately. So my NC is part of a tactic where I hope he will miss me. And if he doesn’t it’s the right way to go anyway. It I’ve decided I will, after some time, contact him. Question is how long. I’m promising myself at least a week but it should really be 4. So will try to stay strong on this thread. I just feel rubbish right now and sad he’s not in my life anymore

@ravens I am hoping if I can go four weeks he will miss me... Imo a week isn't long enough.... I am hoping that at end of the NC I will feel better anyway and won't care... Although the way I feel at the moment I can't see that happening

I think you are right - 1 week is just crumbling! Let’s see what we can do. This thread is great. I’m on day 3. I get my kids back from my exH on Tues and have a friend staying Monday so it will get easier this week.

Solly, crikey, I hope our married biologists aren't one and the same: please don't tell me you live in France too?

Apart from being weak (like so many men, sorry but it's true) I cannot criticise mine as a human being mostly because nothing sordid happened between us and I saved us just in time from disaster. I still really like him as a human being. I'll admit though during a rare calm moment post swim I was imagining the private lessons with him starting up mid March and I suddenly thought 'How on earth are we going to handle being sat next to each other, alone in a classroom, alone in a building for two or more hours once a fortnight???'

Basseting you're brilliant! Sadly, your taste in men, in this particular instance, not so much

NK, hate to sound smug but I told you he'd be in touch!

I'm feeling SO good after my swim. Length after length. I'm all spaced out now. Who needs drugs? Plus I've had a few fits of giggles with my children and, one thing I love doing, is singing with my son because he's got the most amazing voice.

My crown smells of chlorine but it's firmly on my head this afternoon.

Ravens Seshi you both are right. A week isn't long enough. I am going with you and not going to message. I may convince myself otherwise later lol.

Getting your biologist is different. He doesn't do the usual cheating man script of no sex, the marriage over for years etc etc. The thought he puts into your messages. He is a strangely very emotionally intelligent man. Willing to share that with you. So hard to resist. You are being brilliantly strong. Your crown is very much in tact.

@getting you sound like you are getting way stronger!! Go girl 👧

Sorry, should I apologise for name calling though first then leave him alone?

Getting- no we are in the UK phew!

Will you be seeing him for the lessons? That will be tough.

Thankfully I don't see mine in day to day life. We don't move in the same circles. We only met due to a shared interest in nature and spirituality. We met at a stone circle. He was great at compartmentalising his life so no shared circles now. We live and work miles apart thankfully. If I can stay strong then we need never bump into each other again. Unfortunately sordid things did happen but mainly before I found out his true marital status. Of course, he says it wasn't sordid but to me it was .

Oh THANK YOU anxiousnow! Absolutely true. He's been married for 30 years and I completely believe this is out of character. He's as steady as they come. And now, out of fear of losing me, he's doing his best to revert to friendship (only possible in theory). I'm not pitying him at all I'm just aware that this isn't any easier for him as it is for me.

And I return to the same point as before. Expecting a Frenchman in his fifties with a certain frame of mind and certain social standing to divorce is almost impossible.

Anxious - you could apologise for the name calling. Likely it will have pissed him off so he may not reply. If you are really sorry and just want to apologise for being mean then do so.

@anxious apologise but make it clear that you are going... Moving forward...and that you wish him well but you are putting your self first

Solly I taught him every Saturday morning for months and that's how we got to know each other. And now, months after the business course finished he's asked for one and a half year's worth of private classes from me. So, here we go again! Except now we've slipped into the very early (and very passionate) phase of an EA which I stopped 5 days after it had started.

We're both intelligent and good human beings which doesn't protect us from being hugely tempted to go further but if anyone can get through this untainted I think we can. As anxiousnow kindly mentioned he's different in the sense that he never once criticised his wife, played the card of the unhappy husband, or made any lewd suggestions to me. Things just got very intense between us.

Wishful thinking. Here we go again.

I'm not wavering. I'm just as resolute. But it's more honest to admit to weakness than pretend everything is under control.

Thank you seshi! How are you feeling this afternoon, then?

He does sound very different and decent Getting. You will need to be very strong. Do you want to teach him privately? Why does he want private lessons? Could he get them elsewhere so that you are both not tempted?

My NC has never criticised his wife as such, he says he loves her but only like a sister. He has said the marriage is sexless but not just because of her. He said their relationship was always based on friendship and not physical things. He said that neither of them have really ever felt physically attracted to each other. But they share a bed. It seems most strange. I don't know what to believe

Even if what he says is true, I still cannot have a relationship with him as he is not separated

@getting struggling tbh... But off to London tomorrow for work for a few days so I am hoping it will be restriction

Sorry distraction!!

I'm certain being in London will do you so much good seshi. I'm so sorry you're struggling. Better days will come, I promise.

Solly he asked for all those hours and hours of classes because he wanted to be with me. He doesn't want anybody else.

I understand that you won't embark on a relationship with a married man. It's so tricky in France to remain steadfast as it's almost a normality here for married people to have affairs. Some married people aren't particularly close physically so there's no reason to disbelieve your NC about that.

Has it been really hard for you to resist him?

Really love that poem Basseting. I've no doubt one day you will walk down the other street. Until then we are there for you

Bloody and Solly. I've no idea why some men do that but it is a reflection on them and not you.

Anxious how so can your NC lookalike not reply back to you? How are things with your H? Hope you're having a peaceful weekend.

What day are you on now Ravens? I had to wait 30 days for my NC to contact me. O never would have contacted him. I was prepared to walk.

Yes Getting you were right. Lol. I think I'll be right about your guy too. I'm so glad the swim helped.

Anxious I'd say absolutley apologise if it will make you feel better. But prepare he might not respond.

Getting, yes I thought that was the case as he clearly wants to spend one to one time with you.

Yes it's really difficult to resist because I do love him. He's not letchy or anything, he never tries anything sexual. In fairness, back in the day it was always me who initiated it, he was always very responsive though if you know what I mean. I think he's telling the truth about the lack of physical relationship with his wife.

Been all set off again as he's messaged me to tell me he's been kept in hospital last night. Suspected heart attack though thankfully it wasn't. He's under a lot of stress as his mum is very ill with a life limiting illness. He is very close to her. Looks like it was a panic attack. I have replied. The thought of him potentially having a heart attack terrifies me. I don't think he's saying this for sympathy. He is desperate to show he is 'genuine' about how he feels . I don't know what to do, I just don't know