NC Dignity Club part 7: always wear your invisible crown

[Belonger]

A thread for anyone wanting support with going or staying in No Contact. No judgement, just lots of support. Warning: this thread can seriously increase your willpower and self esteem!

Recommend also visiting website from Natalie Lue, Baggage Reclaim, or reading her book The No Contact Rule.

I haven't sent a photo. Very tempted as I said I would message tonight or tomorrow. Will try not to message tonight

Yeah the WhatsApp thing - and what does it really tell us ? B8gger all and yet I/We do it .....

Nice one NK, contemplate it tomorrow sober.

Interesting point Oldbrook as I manage about a week then cave. Weirdly we were never the type of friends to live in each other's pockets before and would go weeks without messaging sometimes. Since Christmas however we seem to be in contact loads in comparison, not just initiated by me.

I do need to take a step back, to let him start his relationship on a good footing without me there in the background. I know though he loves her more, he does have some feelings for me too. I can't really regret messaging him the other night as it's eventually made me feel a bit better knowing that it wasn't that I didn't stack up in some way or that I'd done something wrong. It simply is what it is.

Maybe in some way it hasn't been a bad thing to happen to me. I am quite friendly with some exs and more than one has told me over the years 'you've always been the one that got away'. I have been a total commitment phobe, too scared of being hurt again that I've hurt others by running suddenly. I can either become more jaded or take this a lesson on how it feels, to be a bit more careful of other peoples' hearts. The latter has more growth involved.

Rambling over, sleep well everyone..

Totally makes sense Oldbrook, the finality of it can feel like a huge loss.

Hi all

Had a great night out. Messaged him a light hearted message but not a photo.

Got a half hearted reply back he was obviously with gf. It didn't ruin my night but it was a wake up call. Fuck him

NK Great you had a good night out - should post a photo here haha bet you looked fab! boo about his msg back . ..

Super night User. In fairness he replied pretty much straight away but I knew he was with gf. Am glad I never sent the photo to him

Oldbrook, the not knowing what they're up to makes total sense. It feels so long since contact and in my mind he's out doing all the things with his new interest that he never did with me. I hate things hanging over me answers wise, he promised to explain and yet he's ignored me. I am thinking of getting in touch a second time asking for answers, if he ignored again then I know he isn't genuine about being friends or telling me the truth and I can hopefully start thinking of him negatively.

Nk that must have been tough. I'd like to think I've been ignored because he's confused but reality is it's probably because he's too busy romancing his new woman.

Day 17 and yes , while I am still thinking about him for large periods of time at times I feel the attachment to him lessening ( although I am always strongest in the morning. That was always the case when I was seeing him and struggling with the "I can't do this any more " days ) Not going to beat myself up about still thinking about him . Here's that article again !

"Missing someone that you were close to and intimate with is totally normal, it means that you’re human and that you have blood pumping through your veins."

Last night I read through some of our messages from all those months. It served to remind me of how much he pulled me in with his words when he was in no position to. I read his words now and see different intent with him however and I HATE unfairness.

oldbrook and NK and all of us we all deserve better ! Here's a reminder again from that wonderful article :

" If he REALLY misses you in the kind of way that you deserve to be missed, you will know and not have any doubt about it. If he’s going to miss you, he’ll ACT like it. He won’t send a text, email or passively “like” one of your photos so you can spend the next week analyzing the why’s. He will ACT upon it. It won’t matter if you’ve cut him off or if you’ve blocked him on everything. If he misses you the way that you need and deserve to be missed, he will find a way to get in touch."

My NC will never get in touch without me doing so first and TBH now I am not sure that he would reply if I did although he maintained that he still wants to be "friends".

friends I totally understand your need for answers ( I am exactly that person too ) but you are never going to get an answer that satisfies . If he says he is confused then that leaves you still wanting something you can't have . If he says I want this other woman and not you then that is going to sting .They say these things - promise to explain - but it is just a fob to get out of an awkward spot.

You don't need a confused man. Ask yourself if this is just a desire for contact - any kind of contact is better than none, right ? No, it's not - it is toxic contact and it draws it all out . I was there 18 days ago . He wanted to explain to me but he was never going to say what I wanted to hear and he was going to minimise his role in it all - in fact he was going to turn it all onto me . " I did this for you " "You need to move on and you won't while I am in your life " blah blah ... sending you strength but as you say IF you do message him then perhaps that will set you on the path to recovery !

Thought for the day!

Would I (in my best friends words) be making a complete tit of myself getting in touch four days after being ignored? I want answers. Am I more likely to get these leaving it longer? Or am I just more forgotten the longer I leave it? I want to have one last try at talking it through but I don't know what to say in a text

Bloody, I missed your reply, sorry. You're right about him shifting the reasons for his behaviour onto me. I find myself doubting if he genuinely wants friendship or not, I think one last attempt at contact to get answers and like you say, if he reads and ignores or doesn't open then I know it's all a lie. That will hopefully give me the kick up the bum to start moving on in that I can start seeing him as a cheating manipulative man rather than the image I have of him (false). Any advice on how to word my text to would be good, I want it to be clear that I want answers not an argument and that I will take silence as him not wanting friendship. I struggle to know what to put.

Hi friends I would encourage you to let go of the desire for answers. I'm with bloody on this one, he won't say anything that will help. Closure is a bit of a myth I'm afraid. You need to decide for yourself how to make sense of what has happened, not ask him to explain. If he was the type of bloke to offer a kind and compassionate explanation, you wouldn't be in this situation.

But I know how hard it is when you really want more contact from someone. It hurts but if you resist the urge it dies fade, I promise you.

friends to add to my post the quotes I gave you were what was said to me when he finished it after I said that he had led me on etc . He took NO responsibility for his actions and pushed it all onto me . I had gone "haywire " etc - what ? because I had said something he didn't like to hear ? The explanation he wanted to give me was after we had finished and I had found out that he was actually married . At that point he was shitting his pants wondering what was going to happen . He has to be in control and this time he wasn't/isn't.

Even if he gave you a kind and compassionate reply ( unlikely) you will question it .

I think its more that I need to remove any hope that he will change his mind and offer what I wanted all along. Being ignored will prove that he lied all along and doesn't care enough to leave things on a good note. An explanation will allow me to say my piece and feel heard. It's all linked to wanting that contact though. I've told myself one last attempt then walk away knowing I tried my best.

It won’t matter if you’ve cut him off or if you’ve blocked him on everything. If he misses you the way that you need and deserve to be missed, he will find a way to get in touch.

Bloodyuseless, even this isn't proof of any true feelings. I pushed my NC (the original one not the biologist) away with verbal vehemence (after months of gentle patience and kindness on my part, I hasten to add), and he came back, I gave him some hard home truths (about how he'd remain stuck in his loneliness until he started questioning himself rather than blaming everybody else for his misery) and still he returned. Again and again. And yet he's not in a healthy place to have a serious relationship with a woman and I'm certainly not going to be the one who tries to change that.

If there's one conclusion I've drawn it's that men crave intimacy from us, not just sexual but they want us to open up, show our vulnerability (both NC man and biologist have expressed this) but what really keeps them coming back is when we are strong, independent and resolute.

Morning ladies...Just catching up with you all...