Attila, I wonder if our mum deliberately almost groomed us to be extensions of her, or if she is just so incapable of normal, healthy relationships that this was her 'normal'?
Yes to both. It is also not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist. Their lack of empathy (and I cannot overemphasise a narcissist's lack of empathy) holds no bounds. They are also past masters of the idolise, devalue, discard cycle. Remember too that it is not your fault she is the ways she is; you did not make her that way.
"My colleague wondered if it was her way of making herself feel loved, because we became enmeshed and needed her, and her being needed, even if it was unhealthy, made her feel better about herself?"
Ver possibly. As a child, you don’t immediately realize your mother’s confidence is brittle. She’s always right because she needs to be right. Everything she says goes without question—that’s the way it is with parents when you’re a child.
You please because you are trained to do so. As a nine year old, you don’t take your mother on because, like most school age kids, you want whatever nurturance you can get. Still, she may get mad at you for forgetting your homework, making a mess or annoying her in some random way. You think it’s you and find yourself anxious in her presence.
Then you get a little older, your consciousness continues to evolve, and you realize your mother’s actions and behavior lacks normal maternal nurturing. You see other kids and their parents.
Your mum comes home and demands attention. If you hold back, she takes offense and attacks. She’s tired. She’s irritated. She just wants it her way, and your feelings better align with hers. If you have to hear the word “ungrateful” one more time you’ll scream. But, most times you don’t.
It pays to wait for the rage to abate. If you fight, she fights to win. Many normal parents get into power struggles with their kids, but a narcissistic parent truly needs to win. It is both desperate and scary.
So, you grow up with everyone tiptoeing around mom, hoping that she’s in a good mood, and anxious not to trigger a rage attack.
All it takes is a little frustration, so you better be good.
Narcissistic Mother + Children = Instability
Children experience continued psychological whiplash being raised by a narcissistic mother. You realize she controls with the threat of withdrawal or rage with you and your siblings. Your father goes along to get along. Women like your mother as well cannot do relationships so need a willing enabler to help them, that person here is your dad.
That is why I will not let him off the hook here; he is equally culpable here in your dysfunctional family of origin. And that is also why I would not send him a father's day card.