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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am so scared

344 replies

Mummyanne · 17/02/2018 20:23

Some background: Me and my partner have been together over two years. We have an 18month old baby and we used to live together but we broke up. Upon getting back together he said he didn't want to live with me yet.

It's been a while now and he's set a date to move to Spain in April. He wants to ty it for himself for a month and then me and his daughter will join him and if he doesn't like it with us there, he will tell us to come home to England.

We argue a bit about the minimal effort he makes as I suffer with depression and anxiety and other issues and he doesn't like how much I need him and the fact that I've put on weight, he says he wants the old me back. But he doesn't seem to care anymore and I'm so so scared of losing him what should I do.

OP posts:
Granville72 · 19/02/2018 12:47

It's not just your life you are potentially screwing with though is it? You have a baby and not once have you seemed to have put that child first in any of this.

You are blinkered and brainwashed by this person and just want to follow him around like an orphan lamb wanting a bottle.

If he really loved you, or even loved you a tiny bit for that matter, he would not WOULD NOT even contemplate saying 'I'll send you back if it doesn't work'. That IS NOT the words or commitment of someone who is evidently in love with you and wanting to give it a go.

Time to be an adult and stand on your own two feet. He IS NOT all you know, it's all you currently want to know as you are too co-dependant on him to know any better.

eggncress · 19/02/2018 12:48

Of course it’s easier said than done but it’s not just your life but your young daughter’s too.
You need to put her first.Which you don’t seem to be doing.
You will be in a pickle if you uproot her and yourself from comparative security here to go to the unknown with him.
Getting out of that pickle will definately not be easy.
We are all just trying to help you.
If you did leave him there would also be lots of support for you here regarding that.

Offred · 19/02/2018 14:16

IMO it isn’t that it is difficult exactly, moving in these circumstances would be infinitely more difficult than staying especially given he doesn’t even want you there, it’s that you don’t want to give up on the possibility that if you ‘just’ follow him around, destroy all your self worth, risk yours and your daughter’s welfare to please him and allow him to completely dominate you then you might not lose him from your life.

If there is any chance that you might be able to keep him in your life in any way even if he is being horrible to you, then you want to take it because your self worth is dependent on his approval and your daughter doesn’t feature anywhere near as high in your drives.

Original poster
Mummyanne · 19/02/2018 17:35

I am thinking about my daughter aswell but if there's a chance of us being a family I feel like I should take it

OP posts:
mamahanji · 19/02/2018 17:47

Sadly I don't think the op is going to see anything other than the chance for her fairytale family, despite the dire attitude of him and his family for enabling his lazy, selfish, disrespectful behaviour.

But we can be here when she is inevitably sent home as she and her daughter are no longer convenient for him.

Op I was a mum at 19 too. I really can relate to how hard it is. But you really need to grow up. 19 is an adult. Stop being a child chasing an impossible fairytale and have some backbone and self respect.

You'd feel sick if your daughter grew up and let a man treat her like a doormat. That's how he is treating you.

Show her how not to be a doormat. It's a good feeling I promise.

Offred · 20/02/2018 07:24

Ok but be aware that if you tell everyone that you are just going for a two week holiday and then don’t return, given you are 19 and he is known to be abusive, they may initiate safeguarding procedures in the U.K. to bring you back here and remove your daughter from your care.

If you are going to do it you need to be properly upfront with FNP.

Offred · 20/02/2018 07:28

(If he doesn’t want to be a family in the U.K., why do you think he will want to be a family in Gibraltar? Clue; it’s because the reason he feels it didn’t work here is you weren’t dominated enough, in Gibraltar he is expecting you to be totally subjugated and if you aren’t after 2 weeks he is going to through you out)

Offred · 20/02/2018 07:28

*throw

Original poster
Mummyanne · 20/02/2018 11:58

How on earth am I meant to figure out what I want and what's right for me. I appreciate you telling me all this advice and stuff but I just can't seem to take it in. I suffer with depersonalisation so I'm constantly in my own head and I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm stuck in a rut and have nothing in life but my daughter and him literally NOTHING else. I'm so scared and I need to find a way to get out of this rut to decide what I want with him and alot of people are saying it's him putting me in the rut but I can't see that until I get out of it so it's like a never ending circle

OP posts:
Offred · 20/02/2018 12:25

There is no getting away from it, you cannot avoid making a choice here. You can choose to go along with this move or you can choose to take steps towards seeking help from women’s aid and the NHS.

Granville72 · 20/02/2018 13:13

I would heed what everyone on here and in real life are advising you and do not go. He is the one putting you in the rut and never ending cycle, it's time to break free and make your own way in life.

If he honestly wanted to make a go of things and be a family he would already be doing it, living with you and supporting you.

And where is he?

Original poster
Mummyanne · 20/02/2018 15:35

He didn't want to stay with me here but after a while agreed to staying 3 nights and that's it. Do you not think or have any advice for making it work between us

OP posts:
mamahanji · 20/02/2018 15:41

The advice to make it work, and this is the only way it will work...

Don't ask him for anything
Don't expect him to spend any time with you
Don't ask him to be a parent to his child
Don't expect him to make you feel good or care if you do
Don't value yourself and your daughters needs

Do put up and shut up
Do let him do whatever he wants
Do refuse to grow up and do the right thing for yourself and your daughter
Do continue to allow him to do pretty much what he wants and tell you what to do.
Do let him move countries and beckon and dismiss you at his whim

This is how it will 'work'. And only until you hate yourself so much and can't keep up the pretence of happiness anymore and he will leave you because 'ugh effort'.

Sounds harsh but you are blatantly refusing to see the ridiculousness of expecting things to be ok when he is scum and you are fine with him treating you and your daughter like scum.

GrockleBocs · 20/02/2018 15:59

Nobody can offer advice on how you can make it work. He has to want it to work. And he doesn't really want to going by his actions.

LondonHereICome · 20/02/2018 18:52

Does he help you with food? Bills etc?

Original poster
Mummyanne · 20/02/2018 19:49

@LondonHereICome

He gives me a little bit weekly for our daughter

OP posts:
LondonHereICome · 20/02/2018 19:53

Little bit?

He lives with you 3 days and provides 'a little bit'

Offred · 20/02/2018 19:55

Does he pay the CMS minimum?

Irishtwinmumma · 20/02/2018 20:04

The only way you will ever be happy and maybe even have a chance to be a family.... is if you sort yourself out, work on your mental health, do some exercise, read a few books on it if you have 2. You have to get your confidence back, get stronger. Show him that your not a desperate, needy woman, because trust me that’s a repellent on any guy. Once you focus on yourself and feel better, he might want to get closer to you again. But from what you said, he’s never really been the most committed guy....

Irishtwinmumma · 20/02/2018 20:05

Oh and he should definitely start paying you some money not just peanuts!!!

Original poster
Mummyanne · 20/02/2018 20:11

He doesn't live with me three days a week!@LondonHereICome, He doesn't live with me at all. He was going to try and stay three nights at me week to see how we get on. He pays £36 a week which is what is recommended by child maintenance. And we used too be ok right at the beginning of the relationship but I don't think we knew each other well but sometimes I feel we can work it but we've tried everything I was going therapy and we were doing stuff together and living together but it didn't work out and we thought we would be better living a part but nope that hasn't worked either but I miss him and get so lonely. It's always me that begs him back after we break up I just don't wanna lose him @Irishtwinmumma @Offred

OP posts:
LondonHereICome · 20/02/2018 20:15

So he stays 3 nights. Where is he rest of the time? Sounds like having his cake and eating it

Convenient he wants a single life most of the time and then play at hero Daddy 3 'nights' a week.... does he actually see your daughter on those 3 nights? Or is he straight into your bed with no interest in her?

Irishtwinmumma · 20/02/2018 20:34

Seems like you don’t really want advice, Thera no point posting on here if you don’t want to defend his behaviour.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life being scared that he will leave you? Or so you want to be happy in yourself and not need any man.
Especially man that gives you leftovers.
You deserve the full package! Man that Wants to live with you, take care of you,
love you and commit to you 100%
Even the fact he gives you £36 a week? Seriously! Are you really settle for 3 days and £36??? For the rest of your life?

gingergenius · 20/02/2018 20:36

He's giving you crumbs. You can't live together here and you certainly won't fare well in Gibraltar by the sounds of it.

You're young and have your whole life ahead of you. Don't waste it a man who offers crumbs.

Irishtwinmumma · 20/02/2018 20:36

Sorry for the mistakes I’m trying to type while breastfeeding 😂

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