I am so scared

[Mummyanne]

Some background: Me and my partner have been together over two years. We have an 18month old baby and we used to live together but we broke up. Upon getting back together he said he didn't want to live with me yet.

It's been a while now and he's set a date to move to Spain in April. He wants to ty it for himself for a month and then me and his daughter will join him and if he doesn't like it with us there, he will tell us to come home to England.

We argue a bit about the minimal effort he makes as I suffer with depression and anxiety and other issues and he doesn't like how much I need him and the fact that I've put on weight, he says he wants the old me back. But he doesn't seem to care anymore and I'm so so scared of losing him what should I do.

His mother just replied, she agreed he should stay with me but she said to leave it for now as he might take a while to find work anyways and he's doing that before He goes out there

You don’t need his mum to be involved in this.

Why are you trying to force him into living with you by recruiting his mother?

How do you think that will help?

If he doesn’t actually care about you and want to live with you then living with him will be awful. If he actually wanted to be living with you then he would be. He doesn’t and so he isn’t. He has even actually told you this in explicit words.

Put your effort and energy into your daughter. One day she'll thank you for putting her first.

And where is your DD in all this?

You don’t seem to be thinking about her at all, just about trapping him into being with you, which is very likely to back fire in that it will be you that is trapped.

But he just makes me feel like I'm the one to blame and that we're so in love!!

Talk about a contradictory statement.

He doesn't love you and you are going to be in deep trouble if you try and go out to Gibraltar with him.

You need to learn to live on your own with your daughter. Talk to your Health Visitor, she can point you in the direction to get help.

we tried it here and it didn't work and he's refusing to stay with me

It didn't work. How much more clingy will you be in Gib? A place you have no support, no network and no home? Your mental health will suffer. Where does that leave your child?

You remind me of me when I was in my twenties: terrified of being alone, bouncing from one short and v unequal relationship to another, panic attacks and severe anxiety. I was very very unhappy.

I ended up having a breakdown and got a counsellor. I had to relearn all my patterns of dependent behaviour, and learn to trust that I could look after myself.

You don’t need this arsehole in our life. You are enough.

Call Women’s Aid. Find a therapist. Think about what you want your life to look like without him in it.

What do you need to feel happy? And I don’t mean ‘him’ - I mean specific things like coming home at night to a warm house, cooking dinner, playing with your daughter - things that aren’t dependent on any one person.

Not one person had said anything other than this guy is bad news. You won't be different people in Spain...if he can't live with you in the U.K. , changing the country won't matter.

He has said he can't live with you now, but he'll bring you to Spain at some point, but will send you back if it doesn't work out. That isn't love. I'm not sure what it is. But it definitely not love.

Love would be, consulting with you on moving to Spain, including you in the plans, making sure you feel comfortable and secure with the whole thing. Love would be wanting to live with you and be a family now. Not in some other country where you will know no one.

The former abuse is a huge red flag. I'd be on eggshells. And as someone who has moved countries six times, there is nothing more stressful than moving abroad.

I'm not sure what to advise as you seem so unable to think for yourself and take care of yourself. Calling women's aid would be a start, I guess. I wish there was something I could say to make you see that you are worth more than this. This is th absolute dregs of a relationship.

If you do this you will lose your home and your benefits. And that's the least of it. I've moved countries, its hard to settle even with a devoted partner, lots of cash, and speaking the language. If you can't even get on enough to live together in your own country you have zero chance in another! You need to grow up and think of your daughter, this is absolute madness! But I don't think you're listening. If it was just you I'd say get on with it, but you should be considering how this might effect your daughter, but I expect you will put yourself first.

Don't do this.
DONT DO THIS DONT DO THIS DONT DO THIS DONT FUCKING DO IT!!!
Please.
Just don't! Even more scary than being sent home is being stuck there dependant on him if you hate it. He could try to block you and DD leaving once you get there. Or try to take custody of your dd.
I did what you've done albeit in slightly different circumstances and it's taken months, thousands of pounds (siphoned from an account of his and I know he'll probably try to kill me if he finds out but I'm lucky to even have the option) countless calls to women's aid social services, uk agencies 3 British solicitors and the British consulate to find a way to get home and even then I know I could be facing an expensive court battle once I've done it because he can try to "recall" my children. My only positive is the evidence of abuse that I can produce.

I don't live in Spain but nobody in any circumstances should ever move abroad with an abusive or uncaring man. Don't put yourself in this position. Please OP. There are so many ways he can fuck you over and he's already as good as telling you this!

What's more, if you live outside of the UK for more than a few months you'll be subject to the "habitual residence test" when you return if you wish to claim benefits and you may be expected to wait 3 months anyway.
So you get back, pass the test, put in a claim, no money for 3 months that's if you even pass and don't have to appeal which will lengthen it all over again.
Council housing is the same depending on your individual councils rules.
It's time to stand on your own two and yes it's frightening and heart breaking but it's better to stand on your own two in your home with your income with a support network/state safety net than to
A- stand on your own in a foreign country with no income and no state benefits if he demands that you stay with DD. without some strong evidence and a few thousand behind you you're not getting home if he tries to put up those barriers. But he's also not legally bound to support you or pay your living costs either so you'd be stuck and on the streets just to appease him.

B- stand on your own fresh off the plane in London with £0 in your bank account no entitlement to help for 3+ months.

I know how scary it is but it's even scarier when you face uncertainty to what help you're even eligible for once you've lived outside of the uk for more than a few (2 or 3, I believe) months and you have to pay solicitors fees, secretly consult with them online or via a phone and then essentially do a midnight flit with your kids in tow. That's terrifying.
I wish I had someone to tell me this when I was moving abroad with my husband.
I'll reiterate in case you've forgotten.
DONT DO THIS!
You're already standing on your own financially. You can do this emotionally.

He doesn't have anyone's interest at heart other than his own. Doesn't matter how much you love him,that won't change a thing. You are not obliged to do what he says.

This is so hard to comprehend. I am taking in what everyone is saying and I can see the truth in it and I am so scared.

However I have the man that I'm in love with telling me he really wants us to give it a go and he will pay for my flights and he's so in love with me.

He only wants to me to stay 2 weeks at first to see if it will work out so as for anyone here to do with money and housing will just be told it's a holiday until that decision is made.

It's so scary either way but I can't picture my life without him and I don't want to make a mistake that I'll regret

Why do you think you will regret ending this relationship but not staying in it?

Why do you think you will regret staying here but not going there?

You have an anxiety disorder yes? So you know that your levels of anxiety are not something you should put faith in to guide you as to the best decision...

I also know that if we broke up I would blame myself and referee not trying it. I keep wondering why don't I just try it. It's only a couple of weeks and he'll be paying for my flights and if It's decided for me not to stay I'll still have everything to come back to

It wouldn’t be rational to blame yourself and you would blame yourself because he always manipulated you to think it is your fault.

What if he told you to leave after 6 months and refused to pay for your flights home/give you any money to get back/get a house?

What if he physically abused you again?

What if he refuses to provide you and your daughter with food etc?

What if your daughter gets ill?

How will you access therapy? Make friends? Work? Develop your training/education there?

What if he tells you to go but insists on keeping your daughter?

Etc etc etc

What if you and DD are really unhappy? How will you come back then?

What if you just followed the advice of your family nurse and just went for holidays?

If the family nurse felt it was a good idea to just go and try it then she wouldn’t have said don’t move there just visit.

If you were on your own without a baby then it would be more understandable to just go and try it (if not really risky and probably stupid) but there are a million ways dragging a baby into ‘just trying it’ with an abusive man could result in you losing care of your daughter.

You can’t tell if it will work out in a 2 wk holiday span.
Likely things will be all rosey and fine.Probably lots of fun.
He can likely put up with you and his daughter for 2 weeks... not too stressful,no shortage of money( yet).
As pp said what’s if he gets sick of you after a few months... too much hassle, financial drain and responsibility for him?And tells you to leave.
What then?
You will have given up your home and benefit entitlements in the uk.
What will you do then?
Where will you go?
What will happen to your daughter? Maybe he’ll apply for custody and get it on account of your mental health issues ?Could this even be a plan by him and his parents to take your daughter from you?
You say ‘if it’s decided I’ll stay’... do you really have no say in the running of your and your child’s life?The decision made for you?
Are you happy for that to continue? What if you decide YOU WANT to stay in Gibraltar? Does your opinion or what you want really not count?
Like I said before, the way he talks to you about you/ your life is a HUGE RED FLAG
Think about it.

I know you’re young, but it really is time to grow up.

You can’t go running to his mummy about this stuff.

It seems you’re adamant that you’re going. Just make sure that the flights are return ones, or that you can afford to get you and your child home without his help.

2 weeks is not long enough to see if living together will work out. You've already tried it, it didn't work out. 2 weeks is a holiday, try 5 months or so and then see how it works out.

Do you and him honestly think being in Gibraltar will make it any different?

You don't love him, you love the idea of him and you are dependant on him. Don't get love and dependency mixed up.

And where is your child in all of this? You are a mother now, you no longer come first - your child does.

I can tell you now (as everyone else has) it will not work out and you will be making a huge mistake by following him - that's if he even summons you to go over there.

if he doesn't like it with us there, he will tell us to come home to England.

You're seriously happy with this? Allowing him to set all of the rules and treat you as he pleases is no basis for a fresh start. Let him go and forget about him. He's self centred and thoughtless and sounds like a horrible person. Please stop wasting your life on men like this.

Everything is much easier said than done. It's my life and he's all I know

No, he’s not all you know. He’s one part of a whole life.

Your child is and should be a much, much bigger and more important part.