How can I have been so stupid

[Fuzzywig1]

I am in a terrible terrible mess and it is all my own fault.

This is long sorry.

Before I post please can I say that anything nasty or mean you say to me I have said to myself and it is not why I am here

I have been married for 21 years to a kind and gentle but emotionally distant man. I know he loves me but he does not find it easy to be vulnerable and show it in some ways. I am very warm and physically affectionate and he is not or not consistently meaning I often would feel lonely. Sex was also always on his terms and less than I wanted.

30 years ago I had an 18 month relationship with who I thought was ‘the one’ . Yes I was very young 22 and he was even younger (19). Anyway after a very very passionate relationship he went off to drama school and decided to leave me. I was heartbroken and never forgot him and never trusted that sort of passion again.

2 years ago and out of the blue an email arrived saying he had seen me at my sons football training. We started emailing agreed to meet ( I told my husband about this first meeting) blah blah yes we started an affair.

From the beginning he told me he always loved me but buried the feelings deep he wants us to be together we are twin souls. He left his wife and now lives on his own.

I did not ask him to do this by the way

I feel somehow enchanted by him and that I lose my reason ....

I have told my husband I want to get divorced but he cannot believe it and says we have always had a lovely and sweet relationship

Eventually he found out and now I am in an awful impasse.

The om said he does not want to put pressure on me but his moving out made its own guilt and pressure. His constant emailing showering of love and gifts etc have made me stupid.

My husband seems to just want to carry on as if nothing has happened and that I’m the end I will ‘cone Back to him’.

Over and over every day I change my mind about what to do. What will cause the least harm.

I have two lovely children aged 13 and 9 and I cannot bear the thought of hurting them. I have already hurt them by being distant from their father and sleeping separately from him.

I think I have now got to the point of knowing that I cannot do this. It is wrong, I have been deluded Abd stupid.

But I am now scared to tell the om who has changed his life for me and will be devastated

This email sounds so stupid.

I don’t think people would believe this of me.

Honestly, I don’t think you should be with either of these men.

You’ve already hurt DC and H that ship has sailed, what is the point in compounding the hurt by making a bad decision to stay in a marriage you are not happy in?

OM sounds creepy AF and I would run away very fast from him.

I left a crappy marriage with a cold fish and I am extremely happy now, sitting typing on MN alone...

I walked into an awful relationship with an awful man straight after when I was vulnerable and that was a mistake but leaving h was definitely not!

Fuzzywig I will preface this by saying that I am the child of a marriage marred by affairs, so what I have to say might not be helpful. My father had affairs for pretty much all my life,my mum had at least one, which she involved me in aged 8.

You don't sound like either of them. I had the typical mumsnet opinion of affairs until I matured and was able to understand that my dad wasn't an utter bastard for doing what he did. I understand his behaviour, without thinking it was right. As a couple they should have ended their relationship sooner rather than putting us through their shit for years.

It comes across to me that you are trying to do this, and asking how to. You sound like you know the OM is not the way to go. You sound like you think you could work things out with your husband,but it doesn't come across that he understands what it would take for him to make it work.

You aren't a bad person for having an affair. Words I never thought I would say to be honest,given the awful pain they cause. I think NC with the OM. Sort your marriage out one way or the other,then once you are settled think about a relationship. Your children must now come first.

OM called me again this afternoon to 'see if i was OK - more manipulation.

it was my son's first communion and he bought me a ring to wear on the day so he could 'be near me' on an important day - possessive much?

He sounds like he has the potential to be abusive. If you've decided to finish it with him then stop engaging with him. Don't answer his calls, or even better, block his number. Delete emails before you read them. He's playing with you, fucking with your head.

Is your H prepared to keep your marriage going?

OM sounds dramatic, manipulative, quite controlling, full of words and not always truthful. I think you have been taken in by flattery, are trying to justify the situation which you have both made by picking your OH's bad points.
But I can see a lot of good points in him, I think you are blocking these
out.

I had my head turned too. I made a wrong decision and lost my husband a long time ago because I was a complete and utter idiot but was at a loss as to what to do, in turmoil no one to talk to etc.

I too am now sitting here on my own, with no chance of ever having a partner again. We thought we were doing the right thing by going our separate ways, we were civil, tried all we could to make sure the children were ok. My world crashed after that [because I had believed someone like your OM]...that's another story, but I went through hell.

The agony of your situation is nothing to what you may face in the future. My pain never goes. My adult children still talk about their dad even now many, many, many years later.

And sorry to say, that you are right, from my own experience, your beauty will change. Please think very, very carefully. I think deep down you know what you should do.

He’s quite weird OP.

If my old flame from the same period of my life showed up telling me I’m beautiful etc, I would be well flattered. I’d still show him the door as my commitment at this point in my life is to my kids as well as my DH and anyway he’s a knob, much like your ex.

I have no doubt if you break up your marriage for this guy you will end up alone, when he finds a dramatic new passion. So the real choice is whether you’d rather be with your DH or single.

He's playing with you, fucking with your head

Yes.

His behaviour is predatory.

I tell you what: here is a man who in a very calculated way made a very serious bid for you and to split you from your marriage.

So far so cuntish but the thing about that marriage is that within it are two particularly vulnerable kids who are going to need rock solid stability throughout. It was this he took an axe to.

I wouldn't normally say 'make it work' with your husband but now I do. These circumstances are different re your adopted kids.

I happen to think you are also vulnerable, a wounded soul. You don't take precedence here, your children do, but in order to see to their needs you're going to have to see yours re deep excavation via therapy.

I wonder if this affair was an accident waiting to happen tbh. You've held the fort all this time and along comes Mr Smooth. Maybe you were a sitting duck.

Springdaffs has it exactly right. Predator was the word I was looking for.
I made my mistake due to a childhood which made me want more than others can give [needy/greedy]. I felt entitled to a happy ending, when I already had enough love to keep me upright and functioning well. And I attracted someone who wanted what I had...who took it and moved on. So beware.

I also think that you were bound to be tested at some point and have been blinded by nostalgia/past romance [however he dumped you!]. However OM seems ruthless whilst posing as a caring, considerate future partner when he is anything but.
Not too late to bring this marriage back and I think maybe this post is your wake up call.

Your relationship all those years ago, ending the way it did (him effectively withdrawing, in a dramatic way) has left the whole thing as unfinished business in your mind.
Be aware that at that time and at the age you were the intesity of it would probably meant that it would have fizzled out when all "passion" had run its course.
He went off to drama school!!!!!!
I expect his departure was very dramatic, it was for you anyway.
How do you know that he's not living out yet another drama, he sounds emotionally very immature, will he settle to a humdrum life with you once all the dramatic problems caused as a result of your possible split/divorce from your DH.
Will the ordinary be sufficient for him?
Think very carefully about the possible outcome of splitting up your family, against the possible worth of this relationship.

I can understand why you have ended up in this situation because you have craved affection, attention and physical contact with your H and have basically been starved of it.
You need to be totally frank with your H about how you have felt all these years....Write to him.
There is a really good chance that he will listen to you because he loves you. You need to have time for you as a couple not just being mum and dad to the children.

Forget the OM and stay away from him...he is a player/manipulator and is messing with your head. He has a thin veneer of charm but you have not known this man for 30years and he does not know you!

He knew you were married and had no respect for your relationship. He certainly has no boundaries. He seems to enjoy the drama of life and he's saying all the right things and coming across as reasonable.

If he talks about looks and appearance and not really caring about values or your opinions then he is telling you that any relationship will be on his terms and what you think does not really matter.

I think your gut instinct is telling you that this would be the biggest mistake you will ever make.

I hope you manage to sort things out with your H.

He reminds me of that Police song: every move you make, every breath you take, I've been watching you.

Thrilling? Or chilling

(Did he really see you those key times?? Watching you. Creepy)

Have you heard of this - idealise, devalue, discard.

Perhaps his wife is at the discard stage. She was probably idolised at the start, too.

Sounds to me as though he has been stalking you for years, then made his move when he thought you might be distractable......
Scary.

Hi Fuzywig1

I have a slightly different viewpoint to most on here, in that I strongly feel everyone has the right to be happy. A marriage requires commitment and effort from BOTH people. I completely understand how lonely one can feel in a marriage as you describe. I also feel that your husband deserves to be in a relationship with an equally committed person. At the moment, you feel lonely with dh and he’s going to feel hurt, not good enough, nervous, pressured.
Lots of people have mentioned your children on here. I disagree that staying with your husband is necessarily the best way forward. Lots of families divorce and fair very well. It’s far better to face it rather than ‘stay together for the sake of the kids’. Be strong as two parents NOT weak as husband and wife. I left my husband whilst my children were young and my children thrived. I’ve never once looked back.
I disagree with the ‘put yourself last’ advice. The reality is, in order to be the best parent/person you can be, you need to look after yourself emotionally and physically. My gp taught me that 13 years ago just before I left my husband. Best advice ever. It doesn’t mean make selfish choices or impulse decisions, it means don’t let things drag you down, and don’t lose your sparkle.

Does your husband really want to be with you if he knows your heart isn’t fully in it? I love my dh so much, but if I thought for one minute he had considered being elsewhere and had explained similar reasons to you, I’d let him go. I’d hate to have him stay with me out of guilt or duty. In a way, it could be seen that your husband is a little controlling. He just expects you to stay without making any effort to face anything or address anything. One session of counselling for you both isn’t adequate. The counselling can actually either help you work things through mutually with your dh to stay together or it could help you separate amicably.
You deserve to be happy.
Your dh deserves to be happy.
Your children are too young to carry or understand this fully. Most kids would want their patents to just be together. If it’s better for you all to live separately then go for it. I’m an adult and I’d hate to have found out my parents endured each other for the sake of my siblings and I.
Om maybe has helped you see the cracks in your marriage, or maybe he’s created them? Did you feel this way in your marriage BEFORE om came back into your life?
You are not a bad person or selfish. I think you need something more than you currently have. The answer maybe is to have neither men.
Finally your dh financial situation is his responsibility. His life is his responsibility. The choices he makes are down to him. It’s unreasonable to expect you to just bumble along as though nothings happened without making any effort to address anything. He knows you feel guilty and see him as vulnerable. He could be playing the martyr to manipulate you. X

It seems like you can't choose because you don't want to stay with either man.

If you wanted to stay with your husband you'd be making it work.

You speak of how manipulate om is and aren't relieved that you have found this great guy.

It just seems like a sad situation and I'm not judging.

What's happened has happened. It's what to do now that you need to focus on, not berating yourself.

I strongly disagree with women staying in a marriage for the children's sake. Kids aren't stupid and they won't thank you for modelling an unhappy marriage to them. Despite the horror stories an amicable divorce is not the end of the world. It's ok to divorce and a good enough reason is that you want to.

Your husband can either give you what you want or he can't. He does sound emotionally cold to you and feeling lonely is not nice. When you got married you probably envisioned him being affectionate and comforting. Instead he moves away from you and looks at you when you cry. Yes you've betrayed him. And he's betrayed you by not meeting your basic need for affection and emotional closeness. Marriages like this are prone to affairs because one person is lonely.

In your shoes I would seperate. It sounds to me that you are done with your marriage. You don't owe it to society or your husband to keep at it. I could not cope with being rejected as you describe.

He reminds you of a wonderful, loved, passionate time for you. You seem to be missing this with you DH. It would not be the same. Try sorting it with DH, one way or the other, before you time travel xx.

I have been in a similar situation to you OP, but I never considered a relationship with the ex. I got drawn into an emotional affair that took over my life for some time. It was incredibly destructive, and now many years later I look back and wonder what on earth I was thinking. It is easy to get carried away by the emotion of the whole thing. There is something very persuasive about someone you loved the you were young and life was fresh thinking you are wonderful. This man left you, he broke your heart. He has no doubt hurt and upset his wife. He has shown little consideration for your feelings in all this, or those of your family. I agree with everyone else, this will not go the distance and you will end up broken hearted again

Your OH sounds like he loves you very much, but is unable to show that for some reason, and realistically, that is not likely to change. I think you should show the OM the door, and sit down with your husband and really talk. Go away for the weekend if you can and make some time for yourselves. Tell him you love him , but you need to be shown that love as you feel very lonely. Try to persuade him to go to counselling with you. Think of ways you can really try to connect with each other. You have a nanny, you work very hard. I wonder how much time you spend as a family or just with your husband?

Throw everything you have into making your marriage better, and tell your husband he needs to do the same, or he will lose you. You need to let him know in no uncertain terms. Then see where you are in a year, or a year and a half. If things are no better, you need to decide then what your options are, but do it in a clear headed way, and not with this other man in your sights. He won't last the distance.

Unlike others on here I feel your pain, and don't judge. We are all fallible and we all make mistakes in life. You sound like you are genuinely trying to find a way out of this which isn't going to destroy everyone involved.

I jave read this thread through and the one from 2016.

My two cents are this: you don't love your husband. Your marriage sounds sad and lonely. It is OK to leave on those grounds alone.

Your OM sounds very dangerous. Falling back into a relationship would have been so enticing as it negated the heart ache from your teens. That your devastation was worth It as he had really loved you, it was just life timings etc. However, fundamentally, he may not be a good man for you ( very emotional manipulative behaviour).

People with traumatic childhoods/ attachment issues can often crave the one true love, at the expense of any rational thought. A need for the dramatic.

You don't have to be unhappily married, you can leave. You don't need the OM, you can be on your own.

Whilst I agree the OM does have possessive and romanticising tendencies he is not a pantomime villain....

He was with his wife a long time and I don’t think he ever really idolised her. Of course I do not know that though. A 20 year relationship is not a classic narcissist cycle. The relationship he had with me 30 years ago was more like one though.

He certainly did me and of course I was mistrustful of that. But after 2 years of him telling me he had only ever truly loved me, that he had spent several weeks unable to eat or hold food down when we first split up I believed him. I don’t think he was looking for a way out of his marriage: had he truly wanted that there are much easier targets than a 50 year old married woman.

I do think he genuinely thinks I am his ‘one true love’ . That doesn’t mean it is true but I do believe him.

I do also think he has narcissistic tendencies but not that he has a full on pathological disorder. If he had he would not have been married for so long himself.

Before OM I felt some loneliness yes and that I needed more affection and care for me.

We spend a lot of time together as a family and not enough as two people rather than parents.

My h has asked me if we can go back to counselling himself but whilst in the throes of this mad relationship I could not do it.

He has made some effort to address things but as I have been frankly rather horrible to him it has been hard for him. The way he has reacted to this has been strange in a way but also very honourable. He has said that he has felt that I have been deeply deeply unhappy and he has wanted to make me feel better. He has also said that he knows that I am truly a kind and good person and that this is not who I am.

I don’t think he is controlling but I do think he has problems showing his vulnerability

When I was in the counselling session with h and I was crying I did realise but didn’t really want to that all of this affection and telling me how great I was were what I wanted to hear from him not really OM.

I have not spoken to or emailed OM again. This was easier than I thought it would be given we were so constantly in touch.

OM does care for me and said that it has been very hard to see someone he lives torturing themselves. Of course if he really loved me he would not have put me in that position.

He did not stalk me, it was a strange coincidence from the fact he ended up living in the same London area as I.

He admitted he googled me a few times over the years.

and I have thought myself if we had allowed it to run its course last time then things would have been much better as it has been ‘unfinished business ‘ as somebody said.

I think I do love my husband,

And I know he loves me

But he does find it hard to show it though he is very very affectionate to the children

The OW has constantly told me things about my marriage and h that I have sort of believed or wanted to believe.

For example that in him finding out and not instantly wanting to end it or throw me out he is keeping me a prisoner. And that my life with him will be awful and full of bitter resentment for the rest of my life

And some of me is of course scared of that

But I do think that we can work on our marriage

We did used to be very close and happy

I feel sorry for you and I thibk the fact your childhood was abusive has had a big impact on this situation. You quite rightly need/want affection. Your H fails to give you this and refuses more than one therapy session (I bet he’s hugely regretting that now!) and your one true love swans in, and wants to whisk you off.

Youre realising the OM is not all you first thought he would be. To get out of this utter mess you need to start somewhere and I suggest you should stop all contact with this man.

If you tell him it’s over, and give yourself some time, what happens next with your relationship with your H will become clearer.
Your H sounds like he wants to give you another chance. For your own sake and for the sake of your DCc I think you’d be mad to turn that down.

My h does want to give it another chance. And has said he can change.

He didn’t refuse more therapy. He has in the past but this time he wanted to continue and I did not because I was chemically addicted to OM.

I have been re reading emails that I have kept and right back from the beginning I had doubts about OM and his possessiveness and wanting rather than loving. He worked very hard to get past those doubts and in the end I believed him but actually and really in my heart of hearts I knew it was not true.

I don’t think he is as calculated as people think and I do think he believes himself. But I also think he is ruthless

Right back when I got his very first email and I read it out to someone in my office they said it sounds like he wants to rekindle things. And I said no I don’t think he does .

And I am stupid

He has not been unconflicted himself either but quickly decided he wanted to be with me and then just made that happen

I never was able to do that because in my heart I didn’t want to

He has told me that when my h has said I know this is not what you truly want and you do not really love him that he is keeping me a prisoner but actually he was right . My friend says my h knows me better than I know myself

All he has said is that he wants me to come back to him

I have been so awful

I am astonished I could be like this

The internet is full of stories like mine

We do not want to think we are cliches we want to think we are special and unique

I know I need to cut off all contact with OM

I told him yesterday I needed a month of no contact but I do not

I have made my decision and whilst it was hard I feel I have been very lucky to have escaped

It will be hard to earn back the trust of my h and I am so sorry I have hurt him so very deeply

He is a good man

For example that in him finding out and not instantly wanting to end it or throw me out he is keeping me a prisoner. And that my life with him will be awful and full of bitter resentment for the rest of my life

Well he would say that wouldn’t he.

Fact is you could end up bitterly resenting the OM.

Xpost with OP.

have been re reading emails that I have kept and right back from the beginning I had doubts about OM and his possessiveness and wanting rather than loving. He worked very hard to get past those doubts and in the end I believed him but actually and really in my heart of hearts I knew it was not true.

I don’t think he is as calculated as people think and I do think he believes himself. But I also think he is ruthless

Good work OP. I think he may believe it now, but he could well believe something different in the future.