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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can I have been so stupid

568 replies

Fuzzywig1 · 16/02/2018 08:40

I am in a terrible terrible mess and it is all my own fault.

This is long sorry.

Before I post please can I say that anything nasty or mean you say to me I have said to myself and it is not why I am here

I have been married for 21 years to a kind and gentle but emotionally distant man. I know he loves me but he does not find it easy to be vulnerable and show it in some ways. I am very warm and physically affectionate and he is not or not consistently meaning I often would feel lonely. Sex was also always on his terms and less than I wanted.

30 years ago I had an 18 month relationship with who I thought was ‘the one’ . Yes I was very young 22 and he was even younger (19). Anyway after a very very passionate relationship he went off to drama school and decided to leave me. I was heartbroken and never forgot him and never trusted that sort of passion again.

2 years ago and out of the blue an email arrived saying he had seen me at my sons football training. We started emailing agreed to meet ( I told my husband about this first meeting) blah blah yes we started an affair.

From the beginning he told me he always loved me but buried the feelings deep he wants us to be together we are twin souls. He left his wife and now lives on his own.

I did not ask him to do this by the way

I feel somehow enchanted by him and that I lose my reason ....

I have told my husband I want to get divorced but he cannot believe it and says we have always had a lovely and sweet relationship

Eventually he found out and now I am in an awful impasse.

The om said he does not want to put pressure on me but his moving out made its own guilt and pressure. His constant emailing showering of love and gifts etc have made me stupid.

My husband seems to just want to carry on as if nothing has happened and that I’m the end I will ‘cone Back to him’.

Over and over every day I change my mind about what to do. What will cause the least harm.

I have two lovely children aged 13 and 9 and I cannot bear the thought of hurting them. I have already hurt them by being distant from their father and sleeping separately from him.

I think I have now got to the point of knowing that I cannot do this. It is wrong, I have been deluded Abd stupid.

But I am now scared to tell the om who has changed his life for me and will be devastated

This email sounds so stupid.

I don’t think people would believe this of me.

OP posts:
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 16/02/2018 15:57

Not sure if I'm one of the mean or unpleasant people you are talking about. You sound quite childlike. This isn't chastisement for not doing your homework. It's called being honest and saying own up for your own mistakes. You are at fault. I can own up and say I've not acted the most appropriately. But it's on me. Why can't you admit it

Original poster
Fuzzywig1 · 16/02/2018 15:58

I didnt plan to stop sleeping with my husband. Once i developed 'feelings' for the OM i did not want my h to touch me partly out of guilt. I did not think 'oh i will stop having sex with h so i can with the other person'.

OP posts:
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 16/02/2018 15:59

You sound completely detached from the whole situation. I don't think any kind of counselling would help until you connect to what you've done and 100% òwn it

Original poster
Fuzzywig1 · 16/02/2018 16:00

I have admitted it.

I have said i made the mistake right at the beginning. I made choices that seemed small and then got bigger and found myself deeper and deeper in.

I was actually referring to the sarcastic remark about the novel only.

OP posts:
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 16/02/2018 16:04

I don't think you have admitted it. I think you're attitude is very much 'Oh silly me'. But look we could argue til the cows come home.

The most important thing is: do you have a plan of action?

Guardsman18 · 16/02/2018 16:32

Op, I don't understand why you are getting a slating on here. I really don't.

You have asked a question about something that is causing you extreme pain and anguish. I don't think I can give you any advice but please, please don't be hurt or not try and come to a decision about something that is so important for your life and your childrens'.

It seems to me that pp who think what you're going through is easy, have never been through it. I have and it was hell.

I don't want to post anymore as I really don't like the way people are speaking to you. I wish you luck and pm me if you want xx

VladmirsPoutine · 16/02/2018 16:40

Right, so what do you want to the end result to be? In your ideal world how could could you resolve and reconcile all of this? You've spent 6-pages feeling sorry for yourself and taking a battering, from me yes - twas I with the 'novel' remark; but now what are you going to do? What is the plan?

SandyY2K · 16/02/2018 16:42

I do wonder why people enjoy being mean and umpleasant to strangers.

I agree with you. Just ignore them. I think you're realising this OM isn't that great.

At the moment you're on a high from the affair.

Pull back...I'm glad you've cancelled seeing him for your sake.

Take your marriage seriously and work on it. There are other things besides counselling you can do as a couple.

I work/volunteer with an organisation who promote healthy relationships.

If you want more info or one to one support ..feel free to PM me.

SandyY2K · 16/02/2018 16:44

There's a lot of judgement here, which isn't particularly supportive.

Support doesnt mean you agree with what someone is doing...but you can be constructive with responses.

mummmy2017 · 16/02/2018 16:49

I know the feeling of someone being like a drug, you seem too lose a part of yourself, and then they start to withdraw things from you, and so you work harder to KEEP their love.
It's not real, it chemical and you need to go cold turkey, any time you feel yourself slipping call your Husband and get him to be with you, your OM will move on faster than you think, he doesn't want to be alone, hence why he didn't leave the WIFE till he had you as a replacement, he hunted you wethere you realise it or not, your still not his, so your still FUN to chase, Please don't destroy your life for this man, it will end with him leaving you for the next one, as once he does it once he will find it easier to do when the excitement has gone.

Guardsman18 · 16/02/2018 16:55

@mummy2017 where were you when I needed you all those years ago?

Original poster
Fuzzywig1 · 16/02/2018 17:14

Thank you for the supportive messages.

In my head i know this OM isnt that great. He isnt an 'admirable' person - he is very very attractive in terms of being charming and funny etc

Near the beginning i said to him that he had always been more interested in the surface of things than I and that i was worried we did not have shared values and he said 'why does that matter'. Which should have been a red flag.

It is very strange how we can have doubts and yet not look them full in the face because we are driven on by 'heart' (which i do have before somebody says i seem heartless). The most weird thing and not good thing that i have learnt about myself is that i would have said i was a very dutiful and moral person before this. I have felt that i have become a different person.

I have been avoiding seeing some of my friends etc too.

OM called me again this afternoon to 'see if i was OK.'

I said i was not ok but that i also was.

I feel enormous guilt over what i have done and am astonished at myself. In examining reasons and how i have gone down this path i am not saying it is not my fault. I made my choices which were wrong choices. They are not excuses but rather trying to understand why i would have done this after a long and faithul marriage.

the expression hunted rings true. My friend was caught in a similar thing years ago and at the beginning of this she told me that he was waging a 'campaign' and that it was cruel and not fair. I should have had the brains to listen to her...Unfortunately she split up with her husband. They both now have new partners and the children were 'OK' but she does regret what she did.

People are being mean to me because i have done a very 'bad' thing. I dont approve of myself and dont expect other people to.

But my behaviour is aberrant. I am/was a nice person

OP posts:
Original poster
Fuzzywig1 · 16/02/2018 17:19

Hi Sandy

I tried to PM you but apparently you dont accept PMs.

I am interested in the organisation you are talking about

OP posts:
Thymeout · 16/02/2018 17:19

I agree with mummy.

This feels much more like a transitional affair for the OM. I doubt if it would last. The sad fact is that a 50-ish high-earning man, charming and witty and all the rest, has a lot more options than a woman of the same age. He has hyped up his feelings for you to give him the impetus to end his marriage, coupled with all the revisiting of the past, 'we were meant to be together' stuff. But he dumped you once and I'm afraid he will do it again when someone younger, without children, comes along. 20, even 10 years ago, it might have been possible, but not now. We think we're holding up well for our age, but there's no way we can compete with the appeal of a love-struck 35 yr old.

I think you know that, too. Deep down. Which is why you are hesitating. I don't know what will happen next with your husband. But I think you will find it easier to live with yourself. Good luck!

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 16/02/2018 17:19

It seems to me that pp who think what you're going through is easy, have never been through it. I have and it was hell.

People on here have been cheated on, had to deal with the heartache, pain, lies etc.

The hell the OP and those that have affairs go through is of their own making.

The cheated on partners don't chose the path.

Guardsman18 · 16/02/2018 17:30

But Piglet. It isn't about that is it? Op knows that she's off kilter and is asking for help

Original poster
Fuzzywig1 · 16/02/2018 17:59

Yes Guardsman that is exactly right.

I know i am wrong, i am not being my true or best self but i have not had the strength to end this addictive relationship.

But i also have doubts in my head and i was looking to get those doubts down on paper/out in public partly just in themselves, hence the 'novel' comment but also partly to find some strength from support of other people pointing out things or reinforcing what i know in my heart.

The issue i have with my friends is that they are very kind but deliberately non judgemental so would never say anything bad about my behaviour or making a mistake

I do believe the OM that he thinks he made a mistake in leaving me in the first place - but having said that about 5 months after he did he was in Oxford (where i was at uni) and i was very very upset one night and a mutual friend called him to come and see me and he chose not to.

he says now he was a child and the decisions of a child have reverberated all through his life.

He has seen me (not spoken to me) several times over the years - each time at a different life stage. Most weirdly he saw me on the way to my wedding (in London).

I do have fears it won't last etc - he talks a lot about my physical appearance /beauty. My h does not. I will not always be beautiful. I have probably got a few decent years left if that.

Some of his gifts etc have made me feel a bit uncomfortable e.g near the beginning it was my son's first communion and he bought me a ring to wear on the day so he could 'be near me' on an important day.

It felt like an ownership thing in a way.

OP posts:
BishBoshBashBop · 16/02/2018 18:02

Some of his gifts etc have made me feel a bit uncomfortable e.g near the beginning it was my son's first communion and he bought me a ring to wear on the day so he could 'be near me' on an important day.

I seriously hope you didn't and gave it back. How disrespectful can you get!

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 16/02/2018 18:05

God that's really creepy.

Original poster
Fuzzywig1 · 16/02/2018 18:07

it isnt the only reason i am hesitating either.

I am hesitating because:

I love my husband though perhaps i have let it get too much like mother love not wife love - he does not deserve this
I love my children and they adore their dad (and me) - they are innocent bystanders and they want us to be together. They have already had more than enough to deal with in their little lives.

I feel that love built on other people's unhappiness is not right.

I think i would feel guilt and regret for ever ( i will anyway whatever i do but it would be worse)

OP posts:
Guardsman18 · 16/02/2018 18:12

Having thought about things, I'm going to say, don't break up your family for him. Please.

I've done it and I'm now sitting alone on mumsnet. Speaks volumes I think. I hope you can have a good natter with your friend tonightx

Guardsman18 · 16/02/2018 18:14

Sorry Fuzzy, posted too soon xx

Original poster
Fuzzywig1 · 16/02/2018 18:14

thank you Guardsman and I am sorry that things did not work out for you

I know a healthy relationship is not about obsession

OP posts:
bluepears · 16/02/2018 18:21

if he saw you at football training where did he get your email?

AcrossthePond55 · 16/02/2018 18:21

I think you need to give serious thought to the fact that this OM sounds a bit 'forbidden fruit' with a portion of 'i only want what I can't have' thrown in.

In all your thinking about DH vs OM, you may want to think about the fact that you may very well end up without either of them. Frankly, I think that's what you deserve.

You need to get to a counselor and figure out what you really want.