How can I have been so stupid

[Fuzzywig1]

I am in a terrible terrible mess and it is all my own fault.

This is long sorry.

Before I post please can I say that anything nasty or mean you say to me I have said to myself and it is not why I am here

I have been married for 21 years to a kind and gentle but emotionally distant man. I know he loves me but he does not find it easy to be vulnerable and show it in some ways. I am very warm and physically affectionate and he is not or not consistently meaning I often would feel lonely. Sex was also always on his terms and less than I wanted.

30 years ago I had an 18 month relationship with who I thought was ‘the one’ . Yes I was very young 22 and he was even younger (19). Anyway after a very very passionate relationship he went off to drama school and decided to leave me. I was heartbroken and never forgot him and never trusted that sort of passion again.

2 years ago and out of the blue an email arrived saying he had seen me at my sons football training. We started emailing agreed to meet ( I told my husband about this first meeting) blah blah yes we started an affair.

From the beginning he told me he always loved me but buried the feelings deep he wants us to be together we are twin souls. He left his wife and now lives on his own.

I did not ask him to do this by the way

I feel somehow enchanted by him and that I lose my reason ....

I have told my husband I want to get divorced but he cannot believe it and says we have always had a lovely and sweet relationship

Eventually he found out and now I am in an awful impasse.

The om said he does not want to put pressure on me but his moving out made its own guilt and pressure. His constant emailing showering of love and gifts etc have made me stupid.

My husband seems to just want to carry on as if nothing has happened and that I’m the end I will ‘cone Back to him’.

Over and over every day I change my mind about what to do. What will cause the least harm.

I have two lovely children aged 13 and 9 and I cannot bear the thought of hurting them. I have already hurt them by being distant from their father and sleeping separately from him.

I think I have now got to the point of knowing that I cannot do this. It is wrong, I have been deluded Abd stupid.

But I am now scared to tell the om who has changed his life for me and will be devastated

This email sounds so stupid.

I don’t think people would believe this of me.

@Springydaff - should I apologise for making your MN reading experience unpleasant?
Or - maybe run all my posts by you beforehand?

I love it how any voice that disagrees with the party line so easily makes people become judgy and personal. And also illicits unsolicited advice too.

And actual discussion about actual points would have been more intersting. But - alas.

I really hope this thread doesn't go pear shaped as I think fuzzy has gained so much from it and I hope it continues.

You Josuk, were the pp I was referring to - I feel you 'stuck your neck out' when nobody else did. You said so much that hopefully/could be so helpful to the op. I remember it wasn't what she wanted to hear at the time, but it was so wise.

Therapy takes time and I think she needs time. I hope I'm making sense. I really want her to be ok and your posts are so helpful

I don’t think they are ‘so gelpful’. What I have realised is that talking to other people generally means they want to justify their own life choices or relate their own experiences to yours.

So I talk to a friend who has had an affair and is now with himn’no regrets’. That’s not true....talk to her about her kids

Another who left her h and is now with ap. ‘110% happy’. With tears in her eyes

Another friend who stayed with h talks about her broken heart

One thing that is true is that affairs are a pile of shit for everybody, I went into mine thinking it might prop up my relationship and ‘I deserved nore’,

Well now nobody is happy.

And I still don’t know what to do ..,,

So what I am saying is that I think Josuk may have had a similar choice to make. Or justify

Also one thing: if anything has a religious foundation it is not helpful to me.

My Catholic upbringing f d my Mum and my Dad and all my siblings . And me . Royally

So no thank you

OP - I think you approach things analytically, but - somewhere you get lost in overanalysing. And your belief in your ability to direct your emotions with the power of your brain - is perplexing.

No - I have not had similar choices to make. Many friends around me do, though.

Look - you don’t really want to hear anything that contradicts your conviction at the moment. And that’s fine - it’s easier this way.

I do get it that you are in a tough place and whichever way you’ll turn is difficult.
But this is life. And in the end - it’ll work out. Whichever way it turns out. There isnt just one and only way. Really.

If you stay with your H - you’ll get used to the family routine again, and eventually H will calm down and not demand you to prove your love on a daily basis. And some of that ‘proving’ will become automatic. Some senses would numb. Life will go on.

If you leave and start a new life on your own - it’ll be hard in the short term - but everyone would get over, eventually. Your H would potentially meet someone who’d not be unsure about him. You might meet someone as well. And kids will eventually adapt too. Life will also go on.

And if you go for the OM. It may or may not work out. No one knows.

You are unhappy because you are at cross roads and don’t know which way to turn. It’ll get better, eventually it’ll come to you, or something would push you to a particular choice.

Haven't read the whole thread but I would leave OP. I was in a similar place with my husband, desperately unhappy. He is totally emotionally distant but a great dad. He was my other child and I felt like his mum. It took me a year of yo-yo thinking of ending it or not, but it was the right thing to do. There was no one else in the picture, but the thing that got me through is that their could be. That I could be in a proper loving relationship. So here I am newly single with kids and I have my off days but still hopeful. Life is short. You only get one.

My h isn’t totally emotionally distant. He used to be very loving and close. Then we had our kids placed especially my ds. It was frankly awful as he was so traumatised and rejecting it required reserves of strength I never knew I had.

And we became so totally focussed on kids that we forgot one another.

What I do know is that I am having a huge physical and mental response to leaving OM. Which is gradually going but can still overwhelm me. Headaches, nausea, heart palpitations. So whilst undergoing this, it is very hard to know what I want.

I do know I am not in a fit state to make any decisions right now.

I also know I have loved my husband for 30 years. I believe and I maybe wrong about this that that love is still there. I feel it sometimes in waves and other times I feel numb.

I can’t analyse myself back into love. I am aware of that.

I also know that my kids wouldn’t necessarily ‘adjust’. They aren’t normal kids with normal attachments. They have both undergone huge loss at an early age and it has taken a huge amount of love and specific parenting to get them to where they are. Another loss now may be unbearable for them.

So what I am saying is I owe it to myself, my h and my kids to at least wait until the turmoil has subsided and make choices then.

I had similar 'withdrawals' when I left an abusive marriage - it felt literally like I was withdrawing from a physical drug. I couldnt understand it - I was the one who very gladly left. What was going on?

You'll be glad to hear it passed - quite quickly. At the time I wondered if it was possible to be addicted to a person - as a result I went to CODA for a while.

Re religion - I have worked with people who have been appallingly fucked up by catholicism and I also had a Christian fundamentalist childhood, so I do know what you mean. However I found it helpful in therapy to sometimes talk to people who understood the themes I was grappling with - you mentioned eg Catholic guilt re divorce - tho of course those who had no personal experience of it are valuable too. It's a powerful influence and you can't ignore it altogether.

All in good time though.

That is true re the religious thing - all I meant was a lot of the 'save your marrie' things have a religious thing underlying them and God references so dont resonate with me.

I suppose what i am trying to say is that i know that my physical reaction to the withdrawal is very strong and that it is muddling my thinking AND my emotions.

It is like being an addict. It feels like a very extreme version of giving up smoking in many ways.

So if somebody says to me 'you dont love your husband' to my brain that is an immediate appeal to suggest that i go back to OM.

Whilst i also know that i dont really want to - otherwise i would not have ended it. I know he is bad for me, that he lacks empathy and I also know that he is a total fantasist. And i had started to realise that there was no intimate connection there, not true knowing of a person. Every time he would hug me it did'nt feel right, not like with my h. BUT he made me feel amazing (for a while) like i was this amazing glamorous person.

It is that that i am missing and it is that that makes normal life (including a DH i have been with for a very long time) seem dull and boring.

Its making everything seem dull and boring. My job for example which i loved - i keep thinking oh what's the point i dont like it anyway.

But i know i didn't think that until i was in this awful withdrawal phase.

All the things i have said about my DH are typical of people in affairs - there is some truth in them but there is in any marriage.

It may be that i cant get my marriage back....

But now is not the time to decide that.

I would not have called myself unhappily married before this. We did have some issues and i should have worked harder to get DH to come to counselling with me (but he refused several times and i didnt push it).

Now of course we have a massive issue.

Josuk - it does not make it easier in any way. It is not easy to make this decision. Ending it with OM and cutting off contact was one of the hardest things i have ever done. I know that sounds dramatic but it really was. The easiest thing would have been to have gone off with him

Of course i will have vaccillations. Same way as alcoholics do - hence why they have a sponsor.

The times i have bad times or feelings about DH are when the OM becomes tempting once more for whatever reason (which frankly is usually because i am bored) or there is a trigger of some sort.

Only thing is that i have to remember this and remind myself of it..

Its not like i am logicing myself into love. It is that i am logicing myself off the OM in my head and remembering about my fear/lack of trust of him.

I read a thread from somebody else who had done the same thing - saying it was the worst pain she had ever gone through.

Sringy i hope it does go quickly. It is certainly better than it was in the first few days afterwards. Fewer chest pains. fewer headaches.

A tiny bit more sleep.

I am not trying to, well, be anything really. I am very concerned about you.

A pp mentioned that your dh was emotionally distant and you have disagreed saying that for 30 years he has been loving.

Yet in your first post, they were your exact words - emotionally distant man.

I hope that you find peace. I really do. Have you started the Psychotherapy yet?

Please don't think that I'm trying to be a smart Alec or anything. Your post has struck a chord with me from the beginning.

You don't owe mnetters anything, but you do owe yourself x

Hi Guardsman

My h is a funny mixture. He can be very loving but when he is hurt or angry he withdraws. He has an avoidant attachment style. I have an insecure needy attachment style.

Bear in mind that in my first post I was still fully in my affair... and in the self justifying phase of it.

So yes there is some truth in his distance but it is not the whole truth.

And actually right now the roles are reversed ie he is needy and I am avoidant.

I’m very aware of the chemical nature of the affair addiction and the need to wait it out.

I’m also very aware that I was very happy with my h for many years. And that in the affair a lot of what I did was trying to recreate that happiness .

I am not sure if I can get over this mess but I have read a lot of stuff from people who have been in the same place as I and who have recovered and made their marriage stronger. Those who haven’t have tended not to have ended their affairs properly.

At the beginning of this thread I was in turmoil thinking I could not live without OM.

I felt physically sick. Had panic attacks. Couldn’t eat or sleep

Now it is so much better and easier though I still get pangs and physical symptoms

So it is hard to be with h while I feel like this. And very very hard for him with my mood swings.

I think nobody would tell an alcoholic in early days of sobriety that it was a good time to make life changing decisions.

That is how I think of myself.

Yesterday I had a nice day with my kids and brother and SIL. 2 months ago I would have spent the whole day very depressed and thinking what’s the point is this what my life is now.

I know I’m in a very weird place emotionally and am waiting it out

I don’t think you are trying to be a smart Alec at all

You have always been very kind

But a lot of the people advising on here have not experienced affairs and the impact they have on the brain

If you google ‘can’t get over affair partner’ You will find a million stories just like mine and people experiencing the same vacillating mood swings

Hi fuzzywig, sorry you are still in this tangle of emotions , I myself still am too. I'm still seeing my AP and I'm still so confused like you. I was also waking up in the night to banging heart and panic attacks thinking about it all, the Dr has given me medication for that and it's deff calmed me down. I still don't know where I will end up, only time will tell.
Be kind to yourself , each day at a time x

Forgive me, I haven't had time to read the entire post OP.
I was in a very similar situation 10 years ago and walked out on my husband (together 18 years) into the arms of a 'soul mate'. My husband was devastated, my SM was a complete narcissist and after the love bombing & praise phase ended, started on the EA. During those six years, my life was absolutely shit. I felt worthless, crazy, guilty, desperate, scared, depressed and lived with a hard knot of fear in my chest.
I regret wholeheartedly not giving my husband & myself a second chance and having professional help.

Roll forward and after a couple of years on my own, which after a while I lthoroughly began to enjoy and I appreciate my total freedom and lovely friends, I met my DP.

What I am trying to say is, for the sake of your future peace of mind, please explore thoroughly some good councilling and if you need to part, then do so. But do not leave him for a past love - that bird has flown - and he showed his true colours before. He may have been thrown out by his wife for past affairs which is why he is on his own.

Look to your own heart and if you must leave, then leave. But please don't rush into the arms of a man who may be an expert at targeting women who are dissatisfied slightly with their status quo.

I'm catching up on the thread and I can see I have cross posted.

I think what would have helped my relationship would have been doing some things together that we had never done before. Then I would have seen again those things I loved about him in the first place - rather than the minutiae of day to day living!

Nice day? Drag them all out for a picnic. Raining? Go swimming together. Free weekend? Try sailing or something else new.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

Thank you Chickenagain. His wife didnt throw him out i know that...and she seemed sad to lose him but not THAT sad. She was also on anxiety pills...I wonder if he contributed to that. He wasnt a horrible narcisstic abuser i dont think or not at the extreme end of it but there were a lot of red flags e.g. pictures of James Bond and Steve Mc Queen in his bedoom, shouting at me when i suggested that he was making a wrong decision, being really really angry when contradicted at work and then shouting at me about it, making really insensitive remarks (once about my infertility), shouting at a woman in a cafe when she asked him to stop wobbling the table....

He also manipulated me into doing things that i would not normally do....

I also know he was unfaithful to his wife both before and shortly after they were married...

ROSE84...... what you dont realise is that your feelings are created by your affair - the inability to be with the other person and all the barriers that surround it make it enticing - as we want what we have not got..... do you have any moments of clarity when you can see your AP for who he is? Perhaps you are in a bad marriage ....that is different.

My marriage had vulnerabilities, some of which i am only now seeing (like the fact there has been an underlying power struggle for years....) and especially sexual ones (which i think are related to the power struggle) but i should have worked harder to fix them rather than trying to ignore them..

Rose I was concerned when I read your post. Something that is making you so anxious and unhappy.....im not sure is good for you.

I found it so hard to break off contact and in the immediate aftermath I was not prepared for the physical reaction I had ( although I had read loads about it on the internet) but as time goes by I am so glad I did this apart from occasional wobbles.

Affairs have an addictive quality to then: which is why you don’t recognise yourself in some ways and feel you are two different people.

Are you able to try to separate the person from your feelings?

With regard to your comment only time will tell I was waiting for a moment of clarity where I would be totally sure. I don’t think that happens really or if it does it happens very quickly and the person was looking for an exit. In many cases if a person leaves then they may well yo yo back again (assuming their poor partner puts up with it) .

There are a few cases where it works out but far more often it does not ....

Just thinking about you and hoping all is ok x

Hello Guardsman, yes I am OK...it is very sweet of you to be thinking about me..

I stopped posting on here as it was getting a bit shrill between people sometimes. And also when you are coming out of limerence (which squashes out absolutely everything else) and people say stuff like - why dont you contact him or you dont love your husband anyway, it is not good for you.

I am much much happier. I have even started sleeping through the night again instead of waking at 4 am every night.

I do still have occasional bad moments where i think maybe he was the one. But I just read the beginning of the thread again and it is amazing the difference i feel now.

I also noticed in one thread where somebody says you can't fix something that is broken. Well actually - you can. At least if it was once (and for a long time) whole and good.

H and I have had some lovely times and some normal times and some sad times and some anger.

We are supposed to be going to see a marriage coach but our appointment has been messed up....

Think we are going next week now.

I think h needs therapy himself but he probably won't go....he really doesnt like talking about 'stuff' with anybody except me.

He lost both his parents about 4 years ago and i think he got really sad but tried to squash it out..and that made him more depressed and then he withdrew (that is how he deals with stuff a bit, though interestingly not our IVF or adoption process, he was very close and open then, maybe because we were sharing in it together).