How can I have been so stupid

[Fuzzywig1]

I am in a terrible terrible mess and it is all my own fault.

This is long sorry.

Before I post please can I say that anything nasty or mean you say to me I have said to myself and it is not why I am here

I have been married for 21 years to a kind and gentle but emotionally distant man. I know he loves me but he does not find it easy to be vulnerable and show it in some ways. I am very warm and physically affectionate and he is not or not consistently meaning I often would feel lonely. Sex was also always on his terms and less than I wanted.

30 years ago I had an 18 month relationship with who I thought was ‘the one’ . Yes I was very young 22 and he was even younger (19). Anyway after a very very passionate relationship he went off to drama school and decided to leave me. I was heartbroken and never forgot him and never trusted that sort of passion again.

2 years ago and out of the blue an email arrived saying he had seen me at my sons football training. We started emailing agreed to meet ( I told my husband about this first meeting) blah blah yes we started an affair.

From the beginning he told me he always loved me but buried the feelings deep he wants us to be together we are twin souls. He left his wife and now lives on his own.

I did not ask him to do this by the way

I feel somehow enchanted by him and that I lose my reason ....

I have told my husband I want to get divorced but he cannot believe it and says we have always had a lovely and sweet relationship

Eventually he found out and now I am in an awful impasse.

The om said he does not want to put pressure on me but his moving out made its own guilt and pressure. His constant emailing showering of love and gifts etc have made me stupid.

My husband seems to just want to carry on as if nothing has happened and that I’m the end I will ‘cone Back to him’.

Over and over every day I change my mind about what to do. What will cause the least harm.

I have two lovely children aged 13 and 9 and I cannot bear the thought of hurting them. I have already hurt them by being distant from their father and sleeping separately from him.

I think I have now got to the point of knowing that I cannot do this. It is wrong, I have been deluded Abd stupid.

But I am now scared to tell the om who has changed his life for me and will be devastated

This email sounds so stupid.

I don’t think people would believe this of me.

Yes Springydaff I was sold this glamorous life with us as this power couple doing marvellous things with a lovely big house in London and in the country and all the kids happy together and friends blah blah. And no dirty socks to deal with.

My kids would not have been happy they would have been full of resentment and miserable and angry.

I already have a lovely big house. And friends . And I can wear socks in bed if my feet are cold... (OM told me off for this and said ‘that’s where it starts’)

And actually OM barely has any friends. He has one close friend. He has numerous acquaintances and a lot of ex friends and enemies as he has been through the cycle with them too.

I do still have feelings for him but they are for the fantasy version of him not the reality.

The thing about feelings is that they change. They are evanescent. And when they go /change you are left with the real person.

I had idealised our time together in the first place too. I read some of his letters yesterday from that time and what is striking now is how much they are about him and his feelings and so over the top and then obviously the reality did not match the words. And there is a note from dh which is very different and very sweet and it is about me.....

And there is one from the beginning of November all about how much he loved me. A week later I got roses at work. 2 weeks later I was dumped.

I’m so miserable

I have been away to Istanbul for work

I came home and was delighted to see my kids.

Apprehensive about my husband

It wasn’t good

He was again too clingy and s bit sexual and I said take it easy please

And he sulked and turned away and repeated ‘take it easy’ in an aggressive questioning way.! I get it but he knows I have said I can’t handle it right now and it is bringing up my incestual abuse and that I need to be in charge of myself

And he just said I’m not doing anything illegal

I can’t bear it

Yes know I had an affair

Yes I know I should have fixed my marriage or left

But leaving never was an option in my head due to my Catholicism

And witholding love and sex in a power play for 15 years because you have ‘overpulled’ is quite shit too

I can handle any of his feelings and mine

But I don’t think I need to handle all his needs

I think I know that this affair which started out as self medication is perhaps an exit

I’m sad

I gave all my love to him. He didn’t to me

Then I didn’t to him

And he just said I’m not doing anything illegal

Well, if he was touching you and didn't stop when you said 'no' I think he'd find out that that it IS illegal. It's called sexual assault. Just because you are married to someone, it doesn't mean that you own their body. Regardless of what you may have done, that doesn't give him the right to force his 'attentions' on you, period.

I get that you want to heal your marriage. That's your choice. But it seems to me that he is not acknowledging that he may need to change, too. And you can't do this all alone.

Not read all the thread but most of your posts OP.

Leave your husband.

Leave the OM.

You are financially secure.

Focus on yourself and your children then, when ready embark on a new relationship.

OP - of course it it sad. No way around it.
And no way to resurrect feelings that are gone.

No matter how hard you try. And your posts are quite clear on how hard you have been logic yourself into feeling the ‘right’ way.

There isn’t a right way. OM didn’t make you fall out of love with your H. It happened because it happened.
OM happened to be around at the right time and right place.
But he isn’t the cause.

Your relationship started breaking way before the affair. You just didn’t want to see it.

Sorry

Get a counselor for yourself. You have too much going on to work it all out naturally - you need some help.

Perhaps someone through the church? Years ago I went to a Catholic org for marriage counselling - iirc they're up on offering support. The counselling was balanced and intelligent.

I'm sorry you're miserable

He does stop when I ask him but then he sulks / withdraws ( he is quite passive aggressive).

I’ve talked to him about it this morning and he said it makes him feel very rejected and reminds him that I was doing all these sorts of things with OM.

I feel awful.

I have to go and drive up to my head office now and be all inspiring.

I do have a counsellor but I don’t find him all that insightful. I also often miss appointments because of where he is and my job.

I think I need one nearer to home.

I did love dh before this but I was angry about the controlling way he was about sex and intimacy.

I also feel like I have demonised OM and am now remembering all the good things about him like how he would understand me emotionally and see behind the surface of what I was saying, sometimes in an uncomfortable way. We used to laugh about it and call it the mirror of truth...

I don’t think dh has very much insight into himself or me really.

The thing is I think the affair was initially ‘ well you don’t want me so somebody else foes’ But really it became my primary relationship.

Oh what a mess.

I don’t want to leave before trying to work on it. If I do and it doesn’t work then at least I will be able to feel I have tried my best.

Love isn’t one thing. There is passuonate/ romantic companionate and intimate love. We once had all three. But the romantic part started to go first and then in the last two years the intimate part did too.

I do feel like he has been selfish and put his needs before mine .

And I tried so hard to be perfect Mum and wife and then just felt sick of all the giving.

I think I will try to find a psychotherapist rather than a counsellor and one nearer home.

Actually Josuk there is lots of work available that shows that love can return but only if both of you are willing and able to do it.

I’m not sure he is.

Springydaff I’m not Catholic any more. Well not practising. But the Catholic guilt is alive and kicking....

My Mum was a great believer in guilt and shaming.

Been watching this saga for a while...

Short Advice

Get a Grip

Long Advice

Pick a path and stick to it. Drop the self-absorbed guilt, hand-wringing and vacilation.

Forget sticking to Church dogma or some image of "who you are", instead, try being kind and looking after the hearts of the people you profess to love.

If you decide to give your marriage a go - really give it a go, and, sorry to say, at some time you will have to consider getting back on the bike and have sex with your husband. Sex with your husband will never compete with the "affair fog/Miles and Boon" sex you have been having with OM. If that is where you have set the bar - forget it (and see below).

Otherwise, grow and pair and divorce your husband. Make it quick, and be fair. Look after your (ex-)husband's heart - which means keeping the OM at arm's length.

Show some character and strength.

I’ve talked to him about it this morning and he said it makes him feel very rejected and reminds him that I was doing all these sorts of things with OM

This is emotional blackmail, plain and simple. And it's no different than if he physically pins you down to 'get what he wants'. Both are behaviours intended to control you and they are wrong, wrong, wrong!

I get that you want to work things out. But what you're doing isn't working. You know, you don't have have to be living together to work on your marriage. There's absolutely no reason why you and DH can't live separately and still try to work things out. In fact, it might be easier if you aren't living together.

You may not realize it, but you desperately need to get away from both OM and your DH and be on your own. You need to work on yourself before you can even being to work on your marriage. And you can't do that with DH breathing down your neck demanding attention and this and that to 'prove' yourself to him.

And if your counselor isn't working for you, get a new one. DH and I went through a couple before we found the one who was the right fit. Counselors aren't 'one size fits all'.

How would you feel if your DH did things with or for an OW that he refused to do with/for you?

In my experience I've found that men take it very hard when their wife has an A ...she is happy to swing from the chandeliers and nothing us off limits with the OM Z...but he gets none of it.

Sometimes you do need to be empathetic.

It doesn't sound like you're sexually attracted to your DH ... I think you want to be attracted to him...but its just not there for you.

Would you consider marriage counselling?

I don't necessarily think you need a psychotherapist...a good counsellor would be fine. Having one near to where you live is better. One with experience in relationship issues would be good.

There's also a programme called retraouville that may be of interest to you.

www.retrouvaille.org.uk

I was sexually attracted to my husband before this and actually being honest the actual sex with him is better when it is good as I actually properly love him. Sex with OM is like a performance sport, which i started to mind once the initial lust was off limits.

Sandy i agree with you.

He wasn't emotionally blackmailing me he was telling me how he felt which i had said he needed to do as we have in the past been too 'polite' with each other.

I know i will have to get back on the bike....

I dont mean off limits, typing too quickly i mean once it began to wear off.

OP - you don’t need to force yourself to be the test case for resurrection of love.
Which - I think - where you keep finding yourself failing and being unhappy.
Rather than doing that - just work on your marriage. If that is what you want.

As to the actual ‘resurrection’ - I very much doubt that research. It’s not something anyone can objectively test, measure and experiment with. We aren’t androids.

Are there programs and approaches that make it easier to convince yourself to do something you think is a right thing - sure. That I believe.
(But for some reason it reminded me of programs, often religious, that cured homosexuality)

But none of this matters. Really.
You keep oscillating between demonising OM and missing him.
Between singing praises to H and remembering his controlling ways.

It’s like you are paralysed and can’t make a decision.
I am sorry - it’s a hard place to be.

What I am experiencing is very typical of people who have been in Limerent affairs.

It’s withdrawal symptoms.

I have made a decision. Every choice involves a loss. It is normal to grieve a loss.

Had I left I would also be grieving for my family and would miss my dh.

It doesn’t mean I have made the wrong decision.

OM gave me things DH does not (can’t really after 30 years). They made me feel fantastic for a while and when I wasn’t overwhelmed with guilt or talking about leaving or being shouted at for not making the leaving happen.

So yes I miss that feeling.

But it doesn’t mean I don’t love DH or have made the wrong choice.

It does make jumping back into the relationship difficult.

And I can’t say to dh really ‘I find it hard to have sex with you because that was transferred to OM for last two years’.

I could but it would be very hurtful.

I have got him to read about Limerence but it doesn’t mean his feelings are not hurt.

Putting myself in his shoes it would kill me if he said that to me.

My friend who had an affair (similar) several years ago said it took her a year for the feelings to go.

But she has no regrets now.

What is different about affair love is that really there is very little care in it. It is all about us.

I can't give you any words of wisdom Fuzzy. PP's have said so much and I wouldn't know where to begin. One in particular. My heart goes out to you lovely xx

I will say though that without a doubt, if you want Psychotherapy as opposed to a counsellor, then do that. Please? They are trained in a different way. You said you'd had 'family issues in the past '. A good psych will be able to help you with that.

I only hope that today is a good day for you x

Thanks Guardsman. It is up and down. I feel like that sexual part of me is just not there for DH. Maybe it can come back, maybe not. It was there until OM appeared so I feel it is a reaction to that rather than intrinsic....

I’ve contacted a psychotherapist.

OP - therapy takes time and it’s really hard. It makes you look and question and really try to understand yourself.
And it strips away the notion of you you want to believe and makes you see the real you.

So - if you want to actually understand yourself and what you need to be happy - yes, therapy is the best way.

And maybe one day that will be you.
At this point, however - from your posts it seems that you are CBTing yourself into a particular path you believe/want to be right.

If you do go into therapy - it needs to be with an open mind.
You can’t go to an analyst and ask/expect them to make you achieve a particular goal - the way it is in your head currently.

And lastly - just reacting to your last post. For a moment - imagine flipping sides with your H. And him feeling he doesn’t have the sexual attraction to you. But wanting to somehow get it back.
Would you want to be with someone who feels like that?
Kids grow up and leave. And neither of the adults would get another life to be happy with someone they feel right with, in a proper way, without forcing themselves to feel it.
Just saying.

You've 'just said' quite a few times and you've made it clear what your opinion is Josuk. Give it a rest eh - heard you the first time.

Springy - so you do want to be with a partner who has lost attraction to you but wants to stay for the kids.
Really.

Or maybe you have been through therapy and have insights....
I have - and what I said is true.
Share yours.

If OP was a man - he’d get a thorough beating on here for torturing and stringing alone his poor wife. And everyone would be saying that staying for the kids isn’t worth it. And that his W deserves better.

Yet - because OP is a woman - her oscillations are taken as OK. As something she needs until she gets to the point of knowing for sure it won’t work.

I feel sorry for her H. He deserves someone who knows they want him.

I feel sorry for her H. He deserves someone who knows they want him.

And herein is the rub. what’s in it for hubby apart from more rejection? Physical rejection can be the most hurtful, particularly for men.

Yes, acres of therapy actually. Acres and acres. I don't share your mystical view of it however. It's pretty bog standard when it comes down to it. It certainly doesn't give me the right to talk down to people who are struggling.

You made a measured point upthread that you felt op was trying to convince herself of something. Good point, duly noted. Now you're flogging the point, intimating you have special powers of deduction bcs you've had therapy.

All rather tiresome tbf.

Springy - I don’t know what sort of therapy you had or have in mind.
But proper analysis - if you go through it - does get really deep and gets into issues and what drives you, really.
And unless you are willing to do that - you’ll find it unhelpful and it won’t get you anywhere. And - going on with an agenda - won’t work.
I wonder what you find mystical about that.

And what specifically you disagree about?

As to the dead horse - like everyone else on here - it’s just the reaction to the periodic bad/good OM; bad/good H....

This is what this forum is for. People exachange their opinions. Normally with the OP.
Some choose to judge other posters. Which surprises me.
But then again, people are different.

And some are insufferable. But there we go.