How can I have been so stupid

[Fuzzywig1]

I am in a terrible terrible mess and it is all my own fault.

This is long sorry.

Before I post please can I say that anything nasty or mean you say to me I have said to myself and it is not why I am here

I have been married for 21 years to a kind and gentle but emotionally distant man. I know he loves me but he does not find it easy to be vulnerable and show it in some ways. I am very warm and physically affectionate and he is not or not consistently meaning I often would feel lonely. Sex was also always on his terms and less than I wanted.

30 years ago I had an 18 month relationship with who I thought was ‘the one’ . Yes I was very young 22 and he was even younger (19). Anyway after a very very passionate relationship he went off to drama school and decided to leave me. I was heartbroken and never forgot him and never trusted that sort of passion again.

2 years ago and out of the blue an email arrived saying he had seen me at my sons football training. We started emailing agreed to meet ( I told my husband about this first meeting) blah blah yes we started an affair.

From the beginning he told me he always loved me but buried the feelings deep he wants us to be together we are twin souls. He left his wife and now lives on his own.

I did not ask him to do this by the way

I feel somehow enchanted by him and that I lose my reason ....

I have told my husband I want to get divorced but he cannot believe it and says we have always had a lovely and sweet relationship

Eventually he found out and now I am in an awful impasse.

The om said he does not want to put pressure on me but his moving out made its own guilt and pressure. His constant emailing showering of love and gifts etc have made me stupid.

My husband seems to just want to carry on as if nothing has happened and that I’m the end I will ‘cone Back to him’.

Over and over every day I change my mind about what to do. What will cause the least harm.

I have two lovely children aged 13 and 9 and I cannot bear the thought of hurting them. I have already hurt them by being distant from their father and sleeping separately from him.

I think I have now got to the point of knowing that I cannot do this. It is wrong, I have been deluded Abd stupid.

But I am now scared to tell the om who has changed his life for me and will be devastated

This email sounds so stupid.

I don’t think people would believe this of me.

Even if the OM now disappeared do you think you could sort things out with your husband, be physical with him again or do you think the relationship has run its course and you would be better as friendly co-parents? When I was a teenager my mum left my dad and moved us straight in with the other man, and my husband had an affair so I can sort of see this from many sides.
If you can't see your marriage working, and/or don't want it to then I suggest you sort that first. Tell the OM you need a while no contact to sort things out for your kids. Sort through everything without the OM being able to sway anything. If you still feel the same after ending your marriage then see him but DO NOT involve the kids for at least a few months, and do not move them in with him for a long time. It killed my relationship with my mum and I still have no respect for her.

I have spoken to a solicitor about the situation and either I would need to buy my husband out or we would sell the house and give him half or more so he could buy somewhere. But he earns c 35k and I earn about 150k so my mortgage potential is much much better than his.

It would be way worse for the children for me to move out. It would bring back mother abandonment issues. If I moved out I would take them with me.

We share childcare pretty equally

Before om yes I was happy ‘enough happy’. I was not delirious but I never thought I would split up with my husband

We have been through a lot together and had a very caring relationship but I think the children took their toll

They are both adopted (as babies) and I think we focussed so much on being perfect parents that we forgot about each other, but especially my dh.

I think he felt so secure with me he didn’t need to put in much effort

This is going to sound odd, but forget the sex which man do you LIKE the most, who when your out doing things with makes you feel happier.
I ask because I split up with my ex and realised he was a far better friend than husband, you need to look long term about where you want to be and what you want for the rest of your life, a bit of pain now is sometimes Necessary.

I do not know Re sex

I do know there is a part of me that just wants to hold his hand and put my head on his chest and feel peace like I used to but I do not know if it is now possible

There's a big jump between "agreeing to meet" and having a full-blown affair. You made a sequence of choices, repeatedly, that you don't seem to be owning - in your telling, it's all OM's fault. And did you tell your H when you moved out of the bedroom that you were getting your sexual needs met elsewhere, or was that a courtesy too far? What was his response?

OM sounds like a fantasist tbh - "twin souls"? Perhaps you should speak to his wife.

Omg this could be me writing this post except I didn't sleep with the OM he too in my case was my first love from thirty years ago. I told my partner everything and he left. Can't forgive the lies or deceit. ( I don't blame him either my behaviour was appalling). It's a mess of my own making and I'm so sorry i didn't send the OM packing. I've been left an emotional wreck and I'm struggling to get past it all atm. Please decide if you do want to save your marriage to work on it. Go no contact with the OM and let him be. Good luck I truly do know how you can get swept up in something like this but the pain and hurt to all evolved is NOT worth it!!!

OM is vey very charming and funny and intelligent. I enjoy his company and laugh so much and like to read the same books and go to the theatre and films with him

Dh is kind and gentle and I like doing things with him too but I feel the connection is the children and our history

But he earns c 35k and I earn about 150k so my mortgage potential is much much better than his.

Well on that you could be paying spousal maintenance too.

It would be way worse for the children for me to move out. It would bring back mother abandonment issues. If I moved out I would take them with me.

You are projecting. It's what's best for the DC not you. So according you it's ok for their DF to leave when he hasn't caused the break up?

You seem to want your cake and eat it.

Why was OM already sleeping separately from his wife? Previous for cheating? And how much does he earn - not much if he's an actor, presumably? Are you sure you're not his meal ticket?

I know I made those choices

I know it is my fault

I said that in my first line

I have said to OM who says ‘you cannot help how you feel’ yes but you can help what you do about it..

And swept up is exactly what I have been

By an almost chemical high

I do not think it is all his fault

But I do think he did a bit of a ‘campaign’

Very near the beginning before anything had happened beyond meeting I told him I was not going to meet him that night as arranged for a drink

And he said I may be there or I may be not and if you don’t come you will never know

If you feel that you are largely taken for granted and you have somebody pouring into your ears that you are the most beautiful funny clever and charming person in the world it is hard to resist.

But I should have

I think we focussed so much on being perfect parents that we forgot about each other, but especially my dh.

I think he felt so secure with me he didn’t need to put in much effort

Stop blaming him! You are the one that fucked someone else, lied and cheated. You are making it sound like he and OM forced you into it.

You made your own choices. Now you have to deal with the consequences.

He’s not an actor now he’s a very successful businessman and earns similar (more) than I

I am not projecting it is a known issue in adoption

I don’t know what having my cake and eating it means

I do not want to lose my kids I do not want them to lose their father either

His wife gradually moved out because he snores.

Seriously

No not for cheating

I am not projecting it is a known issue in adoption

I know all about it too thank you.

I don’t know what having my cake and eating it means

It means you want everything your own way.

I don’t really understand the issue. You’ve told him you want a divorce and that’s the end of it. He doesn’t get to just ignore that. Yes it’ll take 5 years if he refuses to consent but he cannot force you to stay married to him. Start the divorce proceedings and get it over with. Your kids will be fine as will he (also at the suggestionntgat you’ve hurt the kids by sleeping separately from their dad, kids really don’t have a say in that stuff)

I can't see why your H is complaining when he has known throughout the years that he is not fulfilling his side of the deal. It would kill me if DH stops showing me affection. I am made this way.
I think you should think long and hard. This is a very difficult place to be and I hope that your gut feeling about this guy is spot on and he genuinely loves you a lot.

Clearly you weren't worried about your children's abandonment issues when you decided to devote your time and attention outside the household. And the more you say about the OM the more he sounds like a complete psycho.

This place has stopped looking at human beings as just that.
Some posters here are genuinely vipers and I hope I never come across venom like this in real life.
People make mistakes and learn from them. Don't be so bitter and angry and unsupportive. People make all sorts of mistakes. That's wheh they want to post on Mumsnet and ask for guidance. Come off your high horses, will you?

Witcheshat what a load of crap. How on earth is the OP "projecting" by considering what's best for her children post-separation? She has rightly pointed out that they've already suffered the loss of their mother pre-adoption and she doesn't wish to exacerbate that trauma.

Witcheshat what a load of crap

No it isn't. I'm entitled to my opinion.

by considering what's best for her children post-separation?

Which could be 50/50 care. Especially if OP isn't the main carer which could very well be the case given those wages.

"And he said I may be there or I may be not and if you don’t come you will never know"

Who was it who said this? Because this sounds like game-playing of the highest order.

I think the idea of separation from your DH and living an independant life (without rushing straight to the OM, just maybe dating him in an offhand way) would be best. Your DH may want you back, but would he punish you for your transgressions if you tried to? Or would he sweep everything under the carpet and ignore the fact that you've felt emotionally ignored for years?

It is horrible to feel lonely in a marriage to someone who treats you almost as a domestic appliance. However, I don't think that the OM is the man for you. He is glamorous and seems very full on in his adoration, but he doesn't really know you, only the you that you pretend to be during dates, and even that isn't the real you.

Find yourself first, before you settle for a man. Give yourself time alone (with your children), and work from there.

I’ve been in a similar situation and couldn’t have more sympathy for you, your post has brought it all flooding back.

What the OM chooses to do is up to him, don’t feel any guilt or obligation over his decisions. I’m very suspicious of his sincerity: him suddenly getting in touch - was his life already going down the pan at that point and suddenly there you and your good salary are as a possible solution? It does sound like he studied hard at drama school!

You haven’t mentioned what he feels re your children (and his own?).
What are his finances like? His job prospects?

Being in a cold marriage is draining, but you leaving your husband is one decision, and then you choosing to be with failed actor/drama queen is another.

The physical comfort and warmth offered by the OM is overwhelming, I know. If your husband just wants the (convenient for him) marriage to continue, is he ok with you continuing to see OM? He may think you just need to get OM out of your system. If you could do this until childcare is no longer an issue then you’d be in a very good place. Free to get shot of the cold fish, keep the kids with you, stay financially independent (as childcare is not impacting on your career) and make an informed choice re OM - none of us are the people we were 30 years ago and your decision has to be based on the man you met two years ago.

I wish you all the very best, you have some very tough times ahead.

Oh, and for the record, I did choose the OM and we have a very happy marriage, he was always an excellent stepfather and we had more children. Thirty years down the line we are still judged and shunned by some, our happiness still seems to grate in certain quarters!

You poor husband deserves better.

Your children also deserved you to do better by them, frankly. You are in the process of upending their lives with absolutely NO thought for them, so pretending you care about how this might affect them now is a bit rich.

You sound sad that your marriage wasn't all you thought it would be.
but you have lived this life a long time,
Why don't you ask your H if he is willing to give you this summer to think about things and maybe ask the OM to back off and give you time.
Some men don't like to be single and this way you can see if OM is really into you or if he has just used you as an easy female to move on to as his next partner.