How can I have been so stupid

[Fuzzywig1]

I am in a terrible terrible mess and it is all my own fault.

This is long sorry.

Before I post please can I say that anything nasty or mean you say to me I have said to myself and it is not why I am here

I have been married for 21 years to a kind and gentle but emotionally distant man. I know he loves me but he does not find it easy to be vulnerable and show it in some ways. I am very warm and physically affectionate and he is not or not consistently meaning I often would feel lonely. Sex was also always on his terms and less than I wanted.

30 years ago I had an 18 month relationship with who I thought was ‘the one’ . Yes I was very young 22 and he was even younger (19). Anyway after a very very passionate relationship he went off to drama school and decided to leave me. I was heartbroken and never forgot him and never trusted that sort of passion again.

2 years ago and out of the blue an email arrived saying he had seen me at my sons football training. We started emailing agreed to meet ( I told my husband about this first meeting) blah blah yes we started an affair.

From the beginning he told me he always loved me but buried the feelings deep he wants us to be together we are twin souls. He left his wife and now lives on his own.

I did not ask him to do this by the way

I feel somehow enchanted by him and that I lose my reason ....

I have told my husband I want to get divorced but he cannot believe it and says we have always had a lovely and sweet relationship

Eventually he found out and now I am in an awful impasse.

The om said he does not want to put pressure on me but his moving out made its own guilt and pressure. His constant emailing showering of love and gifts etc have made me stupid.

My husband seems to just want to carry on as if nothing has happened and that I’m the end I will ‘cone Back to him’.

Over and over every day I change my mind about what to do. What will cause the least harm.

I have two lovely children aged 13 and 9 and I cannot bear the thought of hurting them. I have already hurt them by being distant from their father and sleeping separately from him.

I think I have now got to the point of knowing that I cannot do this. It is wrong, I have been deluded Abd stupid.

But I am now scared to tell the om who has changed his life for me and will be devastated

This email sounds so stupid.

I don’t think people would believe this of me.

If your last post means you have ended your relationship with the om, I think you have done the right thing and when you look back in 10-20 years you will feel that you did what was best for your family, especially your adopted children.

If you feel any kind of relief that it's over with om, then you've made the right decision I think.

Maybe you and your h won't be together forever but you won't have that awful guilt hanging over you.

I wish you well op. Try and look after yourself this weekend xx

It sounds like you’ve come to a decision and I think you’re doing the right thing.

I really hope things work out well for you.

Perhaps those of us who have had the misfortune of becoming involved with a narcissist can be a bit shrill. About narcissists and narcissism.

Because narcissists look so plausible, it's hard not to panic and warn. Of course a narcissist can have a 20 year relationship /marriage! Perhaps it's you who is caricaturing narcissism op.

It's not for any of us to diagnose a narcissist. But we can learn a lot by looking at the traits.

I think you've made the right decision (well done). I hope you can make a go of your marriage, if not mostly for your vulnerable kids. Your husband truly does sound like a good man. From here anyway.

Of course you don't slog away at a marriage that simply isn't going to work. But do see if you can retrace your steps and both dig deep to see what you can build together.

I do wish you the very best.

I am relieved that you have this chance to mend your marriage and that you have taken it. I hope you can rebuild your relationship. It has been a major blip, but valuable lessons learnt no doubt. Look for the rainbow after the hurricane.

If it doesn't work out there are ways to separate in a civil way and to co parent well.

Finally your dh financial situation is his responsibility

Would you say that to a woman who is divorcing as the lower earner whose husband earns over 5 times the amount they do and does the majority child care?

I am sorry about your childhood but in what way is that relevant to your situation?

I think actually that it is relevant. When you have been hurt by people, you crave them being sorry, you want them to make things better and heal the hurt they've caused you. The OM HURT you all those years ago. Then he came back into your life, taking advantage really of your vulnerability from not getting as much love as you needed and wanted from your DH, but also with the perceived (on your part) prospect of him healing the pain he caused all that time ago. Or making up for it at least. And he has told you wonderful things you wanted to hear, and showered you with the adoration you've craved...so of course you've been 'enchanted'.

It doesn't actually take away what he did to you though, or the lurking fear he may do it again in another way at another time. And if your childhood abusers were truly sorry, and wanted to make things better, it might feel good for a while, but there'd always be an underlying fear and a feeling they were people to stay away from.

But you sound as though you still love your DH, and he loves you, and you both want things to be better. Can you both decide to give yourselves 6 months or a year to actively work on getting closer again? So counselling maybe, but also some time together away from the dcs and a commitment from you to stay away from OM for the duration. And some very clear explanation of what you need from DH, and what he needs from you.

I think any communication with the OM will be a massive and very unhelpful distraction from what you are saying you want to do.

You want to feel proud of what you're doing and how you're living, not ashamed. You love your DH but need more from him, and this episode seems to have prompted him to want to make things better for you.

It seems important for you that you have a close relationship, like you've had before with your DH, so perhaps if you both put everything you have into re cultivating that, it might improve things.

In the end you need to be able to feel happy with yourself about your choices, and you need to feel safe and loved and cherished. I think the OM route will make you feel more of what you've already been feeling - wretched, guilty, nervous, ashamed.

Best of luck

For what it’s worth you in my opinion have made the right decision in walking away from OM, he has shown you what he is capable of in regards to his wife after 20 years....it’s shocking.

Your husband has shown you true love and respect he clearly doesn’t want to lose you... he doesn’t see you as a disposable option that doesn’t quite fit his life at this time...unlike OM.

I have been on the receiving end of this scenario by my exh and it is truly devastating and a massive waste of 20+ years.

I feel from reading your posts you have been very confused and manipulated but you come across as a kind caring person and this has thrown you into a nightmare of your own making.

I’m now in my early 50’s and on my own by choice my life is good but I would rather have my family back together with all the history and security of being with someone who loves me...my ex destroyed everything we had and is now stuck in a very controlling relationship that he can’t easily escape, he is very cowardly and lives every day with huge regrets.

Do the right thing and your husband clearly loves you and is prepared to try and make the part you lost each other right. That’s not manipulative that’s love the right kind.

I wish you well x

I have not communicated with OM and I do not intend to.

I have my good friend on stand by if I am tempted I am going to call her or email her.

I have called my h and told him I have ended it. We had a long chat and he said he thinks we can rebuild things. And that he has all the way through felt I was not myself and that is what he has clung onto

We talked about how we have both been so focussed on the children and their problems ( younger was very traumatised/ had attachment issues) that we had not allowed enough time for us.

I do have keys to OM house. My friend said I should go and post them through letterbox when I know he is at work

And yes I am sure he would have stopped thinking all this and at the very least he would have been serially unfaithful

He does not think he would have but he would

It will be hard but perhaps we can make our marriage stronger

I feel huge relief to be free of sneaking and lying and daily shame

But I also have withdrawal symptoms and a bit of my head saying ‘what if he’s right what if he really was the one’. But I know that I just need to squash that out of my head

Thank you for all your support

It has really helped me to do what I knew was right

It is very hard to do when you are in turmoil and on your own and you have somebody telling you you are making the biggest mistake of your life

H has said he will go to counselling though he seems to fear it will ‘take us down a wrong path’ . He is very mistrustful of it. But we cannot sweep this all under the carpet

WitchesHatRim

"Finally your dh financial situation is his responsibility"

Would you say that to a woman who is divorcing as the lower earner whose husband earns over 5 times the amount they do and does the majority child care?

100% agree WitchesHatRim
The wonderful world of MN...

Unfortunately it rarely seems to bode well for marriages where the woman is substantially the higher earner (far higher likelihood of divorce instigated by the woman).

You don't have to go with the first counselor. Though of course you hope to find a good one straight away.

Do your research to find a good, the best, counselor. Lucky you, money isn't a problem, so use it to get what you want.

Counselling can be an extremely positive experience so keep looking until you find it.

Eg there's a reason he is physically cold with you and very warm with the children. He needs to be brave and work that out

What does he mean when he says ' down the wrong path '?

Perhaps he's afraid that counselling will lead to OP deciding he DH is not right for her. Ie the wrong path as far as he is concerned.

I think he has a fear of confronting issues and feels things are better left unsaid.

I do find this attitude to my salary odd. I don’t actually particularly want that level of disparity as it is a big responsibility and removes some of my choices.

But it’s not a crime!

We share childcare very equally other than in school holidays when he does most of it.
In term I do more

He is bored of his job and my salary has enabled him to work less

Anyway we are not talking about separation now

I don’t think I ever truly was but OM held such sway over me I did what HE wanted not what I truly did .

He has not actually contacted me until just now when he sent me a song . Luckily I am at the hairdressers

I hope I can delete it without listening to it

Yes you can!

Yes I can

I just read an article about narcissistic behaviour patterns and the romantic narcissist is so accurate.

I feel like an idiot...

I did worry about this. I remember googling this on holiday but didn’t want to believe it

If your marriage was that bad you wouldn't of put up with it for 21 years..he was fine and ok till this other man came along..you've had your head turned honey.marriage can be boring and go throu bad patches..I think the other man is using you to help him leave his relationship,and I think when he's got his breath back from ending the marriage ,he will end it with you again,just like when you were younger..this other man showed you who he was when you were younger..why are you allowing him to mess with your head ...again

In term I do more

But you have said he does school drop it's and pick ups a few times a week so the nanny doesn't have to. So unless you are doing the same then how do you more during term time?

Not relevant if you aren't splitting.

I do find this attitude to my salary odd. I don’t actually particularly want that level of disparity as it is a big responsibility and removes some of my choices.

Your salary would mean that if you were to split he would walk with a very large proportion of the assets and very probably spousal maintenance.

He has not actually contacted me until just now when he sent me a song You told him yesterday that you needed a month of no contact and he's decided he knows better already. He doesn't love or respect you, OP, he doesn't care about your marriage and children, what you want isn't important - this is all about him. Be angry.

You have come a long way already since you first posted and you seem to have had a bit of an eye opener as to OM’s love bombing and yes it’s controlling and narcissistic.

Don’t engage anymore and stick firm to your decision you already are coming across less confused.

Peace of mind is priceless

Your doing well....carry on

As he's ignoring your wishes (sending you a song) what are you planning to do to stop him having enough access to do such things?

You hope you'll manage to not listen to it? You know, hoping is not really going to help you. You need to take charge of yourself.

Do you want to try with DH? You've just told him you've broken things off with OM. So now you need to delete the song (don't listen to it, why torture yourself?) and get his emails diverted to junk. That song is designed by him to keep him in your mind, is that what you want?

There’s no such thing as ‘the one’ and he definitely isn’t. His ex may have thought so of course, and look how that ended.

There is such a thing as real life and the choices you have already committed to. I think you’re absolutely right to stand by those choices.

Even if he is ‘the one’ (he’s not) you have still done the right thing.

But nor did she seem devastated he left. Unhappy yes but not devastated.

But then you said:

Recently she asked him to reconsider the divorce

uh I think she was probably devastated because why else would she be reconsidering the divorce!