How can I have been so stupid

[Fuzzywig1]

I am in a terrible terrible mess and it is all my own fault.

This is long sorry.

Before I post please can I say that anything nasty or mean you say to me I have said to myself and it is not why I am here

I have been married for 21 years to a kind and gentle but emotionally distant man. I know he loves me but he does not find it easy to be vulnerable and show it in some ways. I am very warm and physically affectionate and he is not or not consistently meaning I often would feel lonely. Sex was also always on his terms and less than I wanted.

30 years ago I had an 18 month relationship with who I thought was ‘the one’ . Yes I was very young 22 and he was even younger (19). Anyway after a very very passionate relationship he went off to drama school and decided to leave me. I was heartbroken and never forgot him and never trusted that sort of passion again.

2 years ago and out of the blue an email arrived saying he had seen me at my sons football training. We started emailing agreed to meet ( I told my husband about this first meeting) blah blah yes we started an affair.

From the beginning he told me he always loved me but buried the feelings deep he wants us to be together we are twin souls. He left his wife and now lives on his own.

I did not ask him to do this by the way

I feel somehow enchanted by him and that I lose my reason ....

I have told my husband I want to get divorced but he cannot believe it and says we have always had a lovely and sweet relationship

Eventually he found out and now I am in an awful impasse.

The om said he does not want to put pressure on me but his moving out made its own guilt and pressure. His constant emailing showering of love and gifts etc have made me stupid.

My husband seems to just want to carry on as if nothing has happened and that I’m the end I will ‘cone Back to him’.

Over and over every day I change my mind about what to do. What will cause the least harm.

I have two lovely children aged 13 and 9 and I cannot bear the thought of hurting them. I have already hurt them by being distant from their father and sleeping separately from him.

I think I have now got to the point of knowing that I cannot do this. It is wrong, I have been deluded Abd stupid.

But I am now scared to tell the om who has changed his life for me and will be devastated

This email sounds so stupid.

I don’t think people would believe this of me.

There are two issues - the essential problems in your marriage which would exist now whether OM was around or not - your DH is apparently happy with the status quo, you aren’t; and OM - whom I have to say I don’t trust as far as I could throw and I think if you get involved with him you will potentially get very hurt and so will your kids.

So you need to figure out whether your marriage can be saved with work and time, and get rid of OM, whom despite great chemistry and compliments is not trustworthy enough a character to leave a marriage for.

Your husband sounds like he has no clue that you are/were unhappy. When he moves to another chair as you try to cuddle up, do you say "Stay here, I want a cuddle"? Or "Why do you always move away when I try to get close?"

You have more choices than 1) leave for this man or 2) stay with your husband.

Sorry, you agreed to sexually reject your spouses before you slept with each other? That's not being swept away, that is cold-hearted cruelty.

You have more choices than 1) leave for this man or 2) stay with your husband

Exactly. If things can’t be fixed with your husband, this man is not a good alternative.

Your OM sounds like a manipulative piece of work. I doubt very much he earns what you do, nor would I believe the story of his departure from his marital home is as he says.

He dumped you once before. Now he's either dumped his wife, or she's kicked him out.

Don't make the biggest mistake of your life.

Tell him you've changed your mind, and that your family comes first. That's all you need to do. Then block him and his dramas. And start to pick up the pieces around you, slowly but surely. Be in charge again.

yes i do pick and choose what i am prioritising.

as everything is an awful choice in a way.

My dh has taken the kids away to his brothers for the weekend so i will have some space.

I know that whilst i was not happy 100% before i was proud of myself what i had achieved with my life and my kids. and now i am ashamed.

I also by the way had a very very abusive childhood.

I really feel for you but you should take a step back, The other man has told you that he has left his wife for you.......but is it true, she might be glad to see the back of him. How do you know his wife has not told him to go and he is looking for you because he is alone. Does he have children that depend on him? In my experience men rarely leave home on their own volition unless they have someone to go to. Sometimes its better the devil you know, and while your husband sounds a bit boring you may find after the gifts and flowers stop with the new man that he is boring too, Most men are.

he was with his wife when i met him.

he stayed with his wife for c 1 year or a bit less but then left her and his 2 kids to live on his own. he has his kids twice a week.

He said at the time that he was not exactly leaving for me but that he had realised he was not happy with his wife but that was only partly true. He had after all been with her a long time too.

He lived with her, had sex with her but they did not usually sleep in the same bed but it was not 'formal' it sort of gradually happened.

He left she did not kick him out.

But nor did she seem devastated he left. Unhappy yes but not devastated.

Presumably he hasn't told her the truth, just some variant of needing space etc as he hedges his bets with you. She may think he's coming back.

I am sorry about your childhood but in what way is that relevant to your situation?

"My dh has taken the kids away to his brothers for the weekend so i will have some space."

You sound very selfish OP, many of your posts are all "I", "Me".

You say you feel ashamed. You have the power to turn that around.

Tell OM to sod off and work on your marriage

I think lust is a form of madness actually. When you’re in the middle of it you actually just don’t think straight at all. It’s the closest to absolutely crazy I’ve ever been in my life (I’m talking about times when I’ve been single and “into” someone).

I think people are really harsh on here - and as someone who has been through being cheated on and subsequently left for another woman (his ex before me actually!) I can see why, but I do think very long term marriages are extremely complex. They become more like business arrangements and family ties rather than romance and romantic relationships. I do think it’s possible and hopeful to have both at the same time but I also think that to throw away (from either side) a 20 years plus marriage based on someone being horribly daft for an old flame is a bit silly really. People do all kinds of stupid things in life. A long marriage is worth more than that if you’re both willing to work on it.

I know his wife did not tell him to leave

Recently she asked him to reconsider the divorce

they are doing mediation

What Springy Daff has said previously, and also it sounds like you need to get some real life councilling to help you work this one out. Also the OM has form for leaving you high and dry. He pursued you. Of course Mr Drama and excitment will be temporarily a greater attraction that 21 year relationship. He is playing on your doubts by bombarding you with emails and gifts, you've probably confided that you felt a bit neglected. How lovely, in a way, but these are meaningless in reality. But realistically - how long will the whirlwind last. Would he stand by you for thick and thin as your OH has? and what about how he's treating his own wife? He's now got form for treating you badly in the past and her in the present.
Also children come first.
How could it possibily have worked to keep everyone on ice for two years until the time feels right? Was that your plan or his plan. If it was his, it would make me doubt him even more. Sorry. This must be a very difficult time for you. There's probably no right answer, just one you feel you can live with that causes the least damage.

TBH OP i think you have to leave your dh and give it a go with om because if you don't i think you will always wonder what would of been and you'll resent your dh. I can't imagine how your marriage could go back to the way it was now anyway.

I mean this in the kindest way but to me the fact you met om in the 1st place tells me you were half looking for something else. I would never contemplate meeting with an ex from years ago, what did you really expect from that meeting?!

But just remember most new relationships are very exciting and fun and seem like the best thing in the world. Try to picture what life will be like in 5/10 years down the line when you're living with om, the initial excitement has worn off and dc are involved

I didnt want him to take them away but it is half term and they will not let us bring the dog so i have to look after the dog and cats.

I miss them aleady.

I think my childhood is relevant because it makes me 'put up' with things because my counsellor says much much worse things have happened to me.

Yes i would tell my husband that i wanted a cuddle but he would say he was more comfortable.

If it sat on his lap he would tell me to get off. If i cried he would just look at me really.

But if i went to hug him he would always hug me back.

I do think he has his own issues with vulnerability etc

Mediation or counselling? Does she think he's trying to save the marriage while he continues to cheat and lie? Does the fact that he treats the women he supposedly loves so badly - you were disposable, his wife is disposable - not a screaming alarm bell?

I know it sounds stupid and naive- but when i met him i honestly thought it would be sweet - i wanted him to be happy but underneath it and in truth i wanted him to say he had realy loved me and regretted our parting. And for that to be it.

Which is extremely stupid.

And maybe you are right that iw as partly looking as i felt lonely.

My husband wrote me a letter in which he said 'i may act for myself but i dont think for myself i always think of you'.

And i think that is true but peoples actions are what touch us.

Mediation - they had counselling whilst he was wanting to leave and she didnt want him to really.

Yes it does rring alarm bells.

I feel a bit like the scales have fallen from my eyes. My marriage needed work and i should have insisited on it.

This is not the way forward.

and yes he is not trustworthy and i cannot leave my marriage for him because he left his.

You have to separate OM's chaos from your own chaos. His problems are his problems. Not yours and not your childrens.
First and foremost your own husband, sounds really nice BTW and he sounds like he still wants you, and what is best for your own dear children.
You also have to consider what you yourself really want and the price you are willing to pay for that and whether this OM really the answer in the long term.

He wasn't being sincere in counselling though if he didn't come clean about the affair. Cynical and disrespectful to the last. I doubt you will, but you should tell her. She has a right to know what's been happening in her life.

Your marriage does need work and your DH needs to accept that if you stay the status quo cannot hold. It sounds very much as though he has his own issues around intimacy to work through and perhaps you should insist you each have individual counselling before any marriage counselling.

OP, if you want to try to stay in your marriage, then I would suggest commit to marriage counseling for a bit and see if it helps.

But if you decided to leave the marriage and your husband -- that's okay as well. You need to figure out for yourself if you already checked out of the marriage.

Don't stay in the marriage just for the kids. Two unhappy people/parents in an unhappy marriage will not raise happy kids. The kids will just learn that is's okay to be unhappy in an unhappy marriage.

You mention leaving the OM and it sounds like this is the right thing to do. Cut him out of your life and never contact him again and try not to think of him.

You said you didn't know how you would get any space to yourself and your H has taken the kids away to give you some - he sounds great. I think you should see if you guys can make this work but insist on counselling together as you obviously weren't happy before - see if you can work on it so you are both happier in the future.

Would you consider just giving your husband the house outright, so that the dc's keep that continuity when they are with him?

I think (skimmed some posts because I have a migraine so apologies I'm probably retreading covered ground) you owe it to your family to try and make it work with your DH. Put your cards on the table and tell him what you need from him and what is missing for you? Give him a chance to try and provide that. Imagine if you left, and the new relationship doesn't work out, and then you see your ex in a warm loving relationship with another woman. Explore that.

In the meantime tell OM you can't make him any promises, and that you owe it to your family to try and make things work. Don't let his choices influence how you act. Could you tell your DCs "I would have tried to make it work at home but OM left his wife, so..." But if you truly believe you will be happier with him, you may as well go for it. Just be aware that you will have two devastated children to navigate through this mess.

A third option is to leave things as they are? If all three of you agree that is.

And i think that is true but peoples actions are what touch us.

You are saying this about your DH but this applies to you too.

It's coming across a bit as if he can't do right for wrong.

You will have hurt him beyond belief with what you have done. It's not just the sex, but the lying, cheating, taking from family time.

Your posts are all about how you want him to change. What are you going to do too?

@Fuzzywig1 It was brave of you to ask for help and advice.

Firstly, I dont think this relationship will last. I think, from things you have written, he is a manipulator. HOWEVER I dont think thats even the issue here.

I think you should put the OM to one side and leave your husband. He deserves better and so do your children. You would never have done this (and certainly not for so long) if you wanted to be with your husband. Also children pick up on things and vibes - you will do more damage to them by lying and "putting up" with your situation out of misplaced loyalty.

I would move out, take some space and have 3 months without either man. Just be you and your children. Then see how you feel. If you have been alone in that time then hopefully it wont be too late to go back to your husband and work on things. Or if you havnt managed to stay away from the OM in that time then clearly he is the right option.

Sending you luck xx