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Original poster

How can I have been so stupid

568 replies

Fuzzywig1 · 16/02/2018 08:40

I am in a terrible terrible mess and it is all my own fault.

This is long sorry.

Before I post please can I say that anything nasty or mean you say to me I have said to myself and it is not why I am here

I have been married for 21 years to a kind and gentle but emotionally distant man. I know he loves me but he does not find it easy to be vulnerable and show it in some ways. I am very warm and physically affectionate and he is not or not consistently meaning I often would feel lonely. Sex was also always on his terms and less than I wanted.

30 years ago I had an 18 month relationship with who I thought was ‘the one’ . Yes I was very young 22 and he was even younger (19). Anyway after a very very passionate relationship he went off to drama school and decided to leave me. I was heartbroken and never forgot him and never trusted that sort of passion again.

2 years ago and out of the blue an email arrived saying he had seen me at my sons football training. We started emailing agreed to meet ( I told my husband about this first meeting) blah blah yes we started an affair.

From the beginning he told me he always loved me but buried the feelings deep he wants us to be together we are twin souls. He left his wife and now lives on his own.

I did not ask him to do this by the way

I feel somehow enchanted by him and that I lose my reason ....

I have told my husband I want to get divorced but he cannot believe it and says we have always had a lovely and sweet relationship

Eventually he found out and now I am in an awful impasse.

The om said he does not want to put pressure on me but his moving out made its own guilt and pressure. His constant emailing showering of love and gifts etc have made me stupid.

My husband seems to just want to carry on as if nothing has happened and that I’m the end I will ‘cone Back to him’.

Over and over every day I change my mind about what to do. What will cause the least harm.

I have two lovely children aged 13 and 9 and I cannot bear the thought of hurting them. I have already hurt them by being distant from their father and sleeping separately from him.

I think I have now got to the point of knowing that I cannot do this. It is wrong, I have been deluded Abd stupid.

But I am now scared to tell the om who has changed his life for me and will be devastated

This email sounds so stupid.

I don’t think people would believe this of me.

OP posts:
DancesWithOtters · 16/02/2018 10:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgathaF · 16/02/2018 10:20

I think you have two issues here.

The OM - Anyway after a very very passionate relationship he went off to drama school and decided to leave me - the drama school thing says it all really. High drama, hand wringing, declarations of love, gifts, no care for how all of that might rip your life, your husband's life, and your DC's lives apart. He sounds selfish and manipulative. But if that's what you want then that's your choice. Would he be a good step-parent to your children? Can you trust him?

Your DH. He sounds like a good man in many ways, but a man that has let things slide in your relationship with no effort really to improve it. You say that you hadn't thought of leaving him before OM came on the scene. Can you see yourself with your H in 10 years time, or being together and enjoying your relationship once your children have grown and left home?

You might chose to leave your H because your relationship isn't making you happy and you can't see a future in it, but I think it would be a mistake to do so just for the OM.

ShatnersWig · 16/02/2018 10:23

MiddleAgedMe Why is giving an opinion trolling? And compared to other posters on other threads (and later ones on this), I was pretty mild. And another poster agreed with me that the OP seems to be thinking almost exclusively of the other man and how devastated HE is going to be. What about her husband and his devastation?

Nickypollard · 16/02/2018 10:23

Sorry, x-posted in parts.

QuiteLikely5 · 16/02/2018 10:23

Op

What you should do in the first instance is take a break from the OM.

Of course it’s wonderful and exciting with him it always is in the beginning of a relationship but this never lasts.

Your husband or marriage is not perfect but I don’t believe any marriage is especially after that length of time.

When a marriage is very bad I do understand why affairs happen but in your case there was no justification.

Step back from OM. Focus upon your kids and try to give your marriage one last shot.

Why not?

WizardOfToss · 16/02/2018 10:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Knittedfairies · 16/02/2018 10:31

You will never recapture what you had with this man 30 years ago. You seem more worried about his reaction than that of your 'kind and gentle husband' of 21 years. What would you have done if your former love had no re-appeared? Perhaps you could think about that.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 16/02/2018 10:42

He feels I am vulnerable to the OM because he broke my heart
I think your DH has it right. But it does read as though you are punishing your husband for being the man you married and rewarding the OM for treating you so badly all those years ago. If someone hurt me like that I wouldn't give them the chance to do it again.

MatildaTheCat · 16/02/2018 10:45

Until I saw that your children are adopted I had some sympathy with your situation. But you made a commitment to those children who were entrusted to you and your dh. That was to provide a safe and solid home with you both.

You are in a dull marriage and have been swept off your feet by your fantasy One True Love. Dothe right thing and break it off permanently with OTL and work on repairing the damage you have done. If, in the end, the marriage can’t be saved that’s a different scenario.

ravenmum · 16/02/2018 11:01

I also wonder what advice you want. Your post just states the facts, the only question is "How can I have been so stupid?", but I doubt you want answers to that, psychologically interesting though they might be.

His constant emailing showering of love and gifts etc
It's clearly too late for advice, but this doesn't sound good. I had this before, the man was all show and no substance.

ravenmum · 16/02/2018 11:02

Oh, and he may say that his wife moved out because he snored, but you know, when something sounds like bollocks, it very often is.

Original poster
Fuzzywig1 · 16/02/2018 11:04

If i left i would plan to have 50/50 care which is why i need to make sure DH has enough money to buy a big enough place.

It is OM who said that. And yes it was and i have taken him to task about it (but i still went)

We share childcare fairly equally.

I work FT but i do not travel abroad much /at all any more - i am at home with them in the mornings and at home from c 7.30 though i often have overnights at the second office of my co.

He didnt show me no affection. That is not the case. But for example i would want to sit next to him on the sofa in the evenings and he would go and sit on the other one. I even moved them around to make the 'best tv' sofa the big one so he would have to sit there but he sat on the other smaller one.

We didnt never have sex either - but it was about once a month when he instigated it. If i instigated it he wasnt interested.

I make him sound awful and he is not. But i did want more affection.

and for him to tell me nice things about me.

At Christmas he (DH) made me an advent calendar with a post it note in each door saying somehing nice like 'good mum' 'great wife' (though this in a way was baffling in the cirumstances) but these are all things he never would normally say. I suppose i had to assume he thought them.

OP posts:
Sugarpiehoneyeye · 16/02/2018 11:07

Fuzzy, I'm not about to flame you, but having read the full thread, I think you should put a stop to your affair. Until he came along and rocked the boat, you were okay, things weren't perfect, but you were far from unhappy. Lust is powerful, all consuming, but unrealistic. All this game playing and flattery, will wear you out in the end. This man doesn't want to be alone, he wants to jump straight in, with no thought for your family. He is out for himself.
How can you possibly know, that his wife left him, due to his snoring ?
Maybe it was for other reasons.
You cannot build anything strong, on weak foundations, bear this old saying in mind, for it's true.
I would choose the loyal, reliable kind man, with the lower wage, than the chancer, and his high earnings.
I think you know inside yourself that you would be jumping out of the frying pan, and straight into the fire.
Listen up Fuzzy, slow down.

Notonthestairs · 16/02/2018 11:07

Cliche I know but is there any chance you are having a midlife crisis? Trying to turn back the clock with a young love. You are enchanted, swept away, have no control etc etc. Its all a bit Mills and Boon isnt it?

You clearly have a good job and have worked hard at your family life up until now. Maybe you are wondering what is all about or whats in it for you?

I'm not convinced couples counselling is whats needed - I think you need a therapist to work out your feelings before you make any life changing decisions.

I dont think it is always best that parents stay together and I dont think people should settle but in this instance you seem hell bent on taking a massive risk.

The OM sounds like a knob by the way and you need to stop worrying about him.

Notonthestairs · 16/02/2018 11:09

Your DH was trying to reach you with that Advent Calendar - it might not have been in the way you wanted but that was a thoughtful attempt at revealing his feelings about you. I dont get why you didnt spot that straight away.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 16/02/2018 11:10

Also, wife sleeping in another room because snoring isn't the same as husband and wife no longer having sex. But he asked the OP to stop having sex with her DH and even to withdraw other physical affection from him by sleeping separately. So cruel. (Not that she had to agree of course.)

More red flags than a Communist party rally here.

SantaClauseMightWork · 16/02/2018 11:11

We didnt never have sex either - but it was about once a month when he instigated it. If i instigated it he wasnt interest

That's a deal breaker right there. Is he physically or emotionally unwell in some way?
If he starts, you do it. If you start and nothing happens, it is a deal breaker.

SantaClauseMightWork · 16/02/2018 11:14

At this stage, I neither like the OM nor your H.
Can your H agree to go to counselling? I don't think there is much hope there but it might help you both to clarify things. In the mean time, create some distance between you and OM. He may or may not be flashy. But this will save you from hurting yourself more while you are trying to clarify things on so many sides at the same time.

Original poster
Fuzzywig1 · 16/02/2018 11:15

I dont know if i am having a mid life crisis.

i think i am not as i was not 'looking' for this.

OM is on his own in a way - he left without any guarantee from me but with a realisation that i might leave.

The main reason i have not left i have thought was guilt and fear but i have always known there were tender feelings for my husband.

yesterday was my 21st wedding anniversary and my husband gave me a card that said 'truly deeply for 21 years' and sometimes things shock oyu out o where you are. If you see what i mean.

The reason you say there is no thought for my husband is because i am very on th ebrink of lea ving OM so that is what i am trying to deal with.

I am and have been seeing a counsellor for a few months. But i have found that even in counselling we can present things in certain lights and if we re wrtie history then we can continue to do so

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 16/02/2018 11:15

I suggest you get some space from DH and have a break from OM to figure out what you want.

Original poster
Fuzzywig1 · 16/02/2018 11:16

I suppose my question is

Am i doing the right thing going back to my husband and trying to work on my marriage

How can I leave this affair

xxxx

OP posts:
Original poster
Fuzzywig1 · 16/02/2018 11:18

i dont know how i can get space from my dh when i live with him and my kids.
I cant just leave my kids to say i am having a break.

welll i could but it would be enormously damaging to them

and i know the whole thing is

OP posts:
Original poster
Fuzzywig1 · 16/02/2018 11:21

He didnt exactly ask me to stop having sex with him.

and no he was still having sex with his wife but also stopped when this started with me (before we had had sex, we both did).

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 16/02/2018 11:21

I cant just leave my kids to say i am having a break.

welll i could but it would be enormously damaging to them

And this whole thing isn't? I know you've said you know it is, but I don't see the difference in giving your DH some space and permanently leaving him.

You seem to pick and choose what you are prioritising.

LEELULUMPKIN · 16/02/2018 11:22

The pain you felt when this Romeo dumped you 30 years ago will be nothing to that inflicted on your children through your selfish actions.

Are you seriously considering breaking your kid's hearts for someone who DUMPED you?!