How can I have been so stupid

[Fuzzywig1]

I am in a terrible terrible mess and it is all my own fault.

This is long sorry.

Before I post please can I say that anything nasty or mean you say to me I have said to myself and it is not why I am here

I have been married for 21 years to a kind and gentle but emotionally distant man. I know he loves me but he does not find it easy to be vulnerable and show it in some ways. I am very warm and physically affectionate and he is not or not consistently meaning I often would feel lonely. Sex was also always on his terms and less than I wanted.

30 years ago I had an 18 month relationship with who I thought was ‘the one’ . Yes I was very young 22 and he was even younger (19). Anyway after a very very passionate relationship he went off to drama school and decided to leave me. I was heartbroken and never forgot him and never trusted that sort of passion again.

2 years ago and out of the blue an email arrived saying he had seen me at my sons football training. We started emailing agreed to meet ( I told my husband about this first meeting) blah blah yes we started an affair.

From the beginning he told me he always loved me but buried the feelings deep he wants us to be together we are twin souls. He left his wife and now lives on his own.

I did not ask him to do this by the way

I feel somehow enchanted by him and that I lose my reason ....

I have told my husband I want to get divorced but he cannot believe it and says we have always had a lovely and sweet relationship

Eventually he found out and now I am in an awful impasse.

The om said he does not want to put pressure on me but his moving out made its own guilt and pressure. His constant emailing showering of love and gifts etc have made me stupid.

My husband seems to just want to carry on as if nothing has happened and that I’m the end I will ‘cone Back to him’.

Over and over every day I change my mind about what to do. What will cause the least harm.

I have two lovely children aged 13 and 9 and I cannot bear the thought of hurting them. I have already hurt them by being distant from their father and sleeping separately from him.

I think I have now got to the point of knowing that I cannot do this. It is wrong, I have been deluded Abd stupid.

But I am now scared to tell the om who has changed his life for me and will be devastated

This email sounds so stupid.

I don’t think people would believe this of me.

notangelinajolie (great name, are you her really?!), the OP says she's no intention of rekindling it and she's not leaving her DH. Quite the opposite, in fact.

I wouldn't contact the police right now, but warn OM that if he contacts you again you may be forced to.

You need to read more than the opening post......

I’ve ripped it all up and deleted it so I can’t show it to the police.

Do you really think I should tell them? Why? If he showed up I could call them?

I don’t want to be in any more contact with him.

At all

I read your update from yesterday not simply the OP.

It depends if it persists - a warning to him that you may be forced to contact the police might be sufficient.

But if continues to pester you it becomes a harassment issue.

Sorry i wasn't talking to you i was talking to notangelinajolie. As she seems to think i am still vacillating.

Which i am not.

I have been reading this site called marriagebuilders and a lot of what he says makes a lot of sense.

I can totally see how this happened.

And before somebody mean says that's me playing the victim it isnt. I am just understanding HOW it happened not saying that i made a good choice to resolve the issues we had in our marriage.

Hi OP

I’ve just read the whole thread and want to share my support. I admire the way you have taken on board the constructive advice and ignored the nasty comments. I think you have already come and very long way and I hope you can continue to heal yourself and your marriage.

Regarding your ex-lover. I was appalled to read about everything he sent to you at work. Talk about overstepping boundaries! I suggest that you send him one final message informing him that you will report him to the police for harassment if he contacts you again. Keep the message as evidence if you do need to go the police. And follow through if he does contact you.

Unfortunately he is clearly not taking no for an answer so although this seems an extreme step I think it’s essential to ensure he doesn’t get into harrassment/stalking territory. I think the fact that you refer to a stab of fear and you worry about him turning up at your home or work is very telling indeed.

Stay strong.

He doesnt really have bouhndaries in some ways. I am apalled at the things i did at his behest when in the heat of it. He came to pick me up from dinner with my best friend once and then insisted on giving her a lift. Then diverted us to a fancy late night bar. This put both her and me in a very awkward position. But at the time i didnt question it

He did say in his letter 'dont worry i will leave you alone i wont turn into a weird stalker'.

But then i think that him even mentioning it seems odd.

Well done for getting through the 'novel' this has turned into.

I wish i had had the sense to listen to my friend who ended her marriage due to a very similar affair.

But Fuzzy, you're feeling that you've made the right decision though yes?

Hi Fizzy, how you doing? Are you still staying strong? Well done by the way for making the right decision

Hi everybody

Thanks for your support. I’m doing ok/ well most of the time.

I sometimes get very depressed and anxious. Some of that is withdrawal symptoms and some of it is anxiety about the future/ will my dh be ok will we be ok.

I hate what I did to him and the awful person I became. I did feel like I was almost possessed which I put down to ‘love’. Oh dear.

I know I’ve made the right decision most of the time. I have occasional doubts. OM was / could be very funny and make things seem exciting ( though most of that was at the beginning and had started to wane as I was not doing what he wanted).

Yesterday I was playing crazy golf with my daughter and an exchange student ( very silent) and it was rather boring and I thought oh if OM were here this would be fun. But actually if h and my son were here it would be fun.

But yes I do get these doubts every now and again.

It is funny how some people say you are over thinking and rationalising but actually I don’t need to rationalise why I’m staying with h. I do love him properly and deeply but confused myself into thinking crazy limmerance was love or necessary.

But it is actually very important to use rational thought to manage emotions especially ones you don’t fully believe. All the time with OM my gut was telling me it was off. But I was enchanted really (and shamefully) by the picture of myself he painted.

One of the things that saved me was thinking that I had not had those crazy feelings in the first stage. I did actually properly love him or who he presented himself as then but it grew . I didn’t declare undying love our first weekend together or say I wanted to marry him within 2 weeks. Which he did.

I can’t believe what an idiot I was. Or how close I came to ruining my life and my kids.

He told me he didn’t idealise me . But on one occasion declared it was ‘like being in bed with a goddess’.

I did at least make a face when he said that.

So many things I should have seen in him and myself but didn’t.

I know I am partly demonising him but it is helpful.

My husband is being so kind to me. I am worried about him though.

However he thinks he has been through the angry stage when he first found out. I hope he isn’t repressing it.

I asked him if it would help him to talk about it to somebody other than me and he said that I am best at helping him and that I’m smarter than most people.

I do think it might help him though

That therapist did a lot of damage and he doesn’t trust them anyway.

When I say ruining my life I am including h in that before someone says something about that.

Mothers Day has been bittersweet today. Lovely but also sad as I think how different it could have been. And how I’ve mucked up.

Hi Fizz, I take it that he hasn’t tried to contact you again?

Not yet I think. I wouldn’t know if he had unless I searched for his emails.

The letter I sent him was very categorical it didn’t have longing or anything in it.

I don’t think in a way he will contact me as it won’t fit with his self image ie it would be too undignified once he has had that sort of letter.

I hope

Do you think ignoring him helps? I only say that because personally I think considering the relationship you had deserves a quick chat to end it all. It’s the courteous thing to do and finalised the end. Just a thought

No!! They had the talk.

Fgs this is like an addiction, don't be tempting the op to dip in again.

Why? There grown adults and have made grown up decisions so a grown up discussion isn’t going to hurt. He doesn’t sound dangerous unless I’ve missed something? I just think one conversation to ensure he’s clear that they are parting company is the sensible thing to do. I’m not saying that OP should meet him just a phone call or even a text won’t hurt or change anything

Isn't that like suggesting someone has one last bit of heroin for closure when they are trying to not take it again?

Hit

Hi, I take your point but my personal belief is that it’s always good to talk/communicate. I don’t see what harm it can do. Not quite heroin....

No. It would not do me any good at all. I wrote him a clear letter after I got the package at my work. Asking him not to contact me and explaining.

I know he will think I stayed with h out of guilt and that he is ‘the one’ but that is up to him.

I can’t be giving him my mental space. If that sounds selfish it is but my priority is now my family as it should have been all along and if that means being selfish it has to be.

Actually I do feel if I saw him or he contacted me I don’t have the craving and would tell him to go and he has caused enough damage.. But all addicts think that.

When he’s contacted me recently I have felt only fear. I think he is a damaging person.

In my letter I told him I was not ignoring him out of cruelty but out of necessity.

And that I knew I had made the right decision